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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas Sharing

130 replies

Morganj28 · 03/12/2018 09:09

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

I have an idea of what I think it should be like in my head and it’s what I did as a child. But I want to see what other people’s opinions are to see if it’s a sane request or unreasonable.

So, I’m a step mum and it’s my OH daughter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

funinthesun18 · 03/12/2018 09:43

My partner and his ex alternate each year. This year his dc is with us Christmas Eve through to Christmas Day mid afternoon, and then his dc will be with mum from mid afternoon and all of Boxing Day. Then it will swap next year.

Is that similar to what you was thinking?

As a child it was a bit different for me.
I used to spend every Christmas Day with my dad and every Boxing Day with my mum. I liked it that way but I think every family is different- there is no right or wrong answer.

Original poster

Morganj28 · 03/12/2018 09:52

@funinthesun18 THIS! This is exactly my thoughts on what 'sharing' a child over Christmas is. And is exactly what I did when I was younger and or what you did. I think we mixed it.

So biological mums idea of sharing is last year we didn't see her at all until I think it was the 29th. And that was purely because it was our weekend.

This year, she's agreed we can have her Christmas Day. But then we're being stopped from having her on our weekend (the weekend after Christmas).

So between 17th December & 11th January the only day we will see her is Christmas Day.

Interesting to see outsiders thoughts.

OP posts:

T2705 · 03/12/2018 09:54

This is our third xmas since I split with exH. So far, I have had the DC every xmas eve and xmas morning and then they go to him for the rest of xmas day and come home boxing day morning. This is just how it works best for them at the moment because exH lives with his mum and all of the family go there on xmas day for dinner whereas on Boxing Day no-one is there so this is what my DC prefer to do, though not having them at all for xmas dinner, afternoon/evening can be a bit rubbish for me, for now it works althoug I imagine this may change in the future if exH gets into a serious relationship.

This year, DP also has a similar arrangement with his DC. Last year he just had them on boxing day so we did a second xmas day then.

What is it you are requesting/thinking of asking for? xx

Zampa · 03/12/2018 09:58

We have the DSC from late afternoon on Christmas Day to the same time on NYD every year. It's part of DH's 4 weeks holiday a year with the kids.

DH had to go through a lengthy court battle to get this. Previously he had only been allowed to see them for an hour on Christmas Day morning at his ex's house.

Your proposal seems perfectly fair.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:05

@T2705 @Zampa

So basically everyone is in agreement that both parents should see the DC on Christmas Day. Whether it's waking up with them or having them in the afternoon.

Which is what I think is a normal Christmas set up for children with two sets of parents.

Not the ridiculous 'sharing' that we have in place.

@Zampa how did the court thing work? And if you don't mind me asking what kind of money did it cost? I think that's the only way for us to have something realistic sorted.

Cobsob · 03/12/2018 10:06

I am struggling this is my daughters first Christmas and my partner has decided to spend Christmas Day with his four children 17,15,10 and 9 from his previous relationship with his X at her house that is four hours away .So he will miss all of her first Christmas.I feel like they should come to us or come Boxing Day we can't split the day as it's soo far away .
I have a very good relationship with them and they love the baby .I just don't know why he is choosing this option.He says it's the last time he will do it last year he had them Boxing Day .
I can't go because he X won't speak to me or the baby which is crazy because she is in a relationship with the person she left him for and try have been split for 3 years .
I know my LO won't know but it feels so hurtful and I am really struggling.I have never posted on here before but just don't know if this is normal .I feel like it's 100% not ...
Btw wrongly or right I feel devastated by it I am soo excited for her first Christmas but I am in effect left as a single mum whilst he is playing happy families with his X .
I would love to have all the kids here with the baby and have them here all the time .

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:07

@T2705 our current set up has been...

Last year we didn't see DSC until 29th December - that was our weekend anyway.

This year we see her Christmas Day but then not again until 11 Jan despite weekend of 28th being our weekend.

So between 17th December & 11th Jan we get one day - albeit Christmas Day.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:09

@Cobsob is your DP the father to your baby?! He's missing your DC first christmas?!

Is that what you're saying?!

AliciaSwayne · 03/12/2018 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zampa · 03/12/2018 10:15

It took about 18 months to conclude but an interim court order was put in place quite quickly, whilst CAFCASS carried out their reporting. It took so long because his ex was very unreasonable. It covered everything including names, holidays, schooling and weekly contact.

DH self represented with some soft touch legal advice but the bill was still thousands. Under £5K though, I think.

IMO it was the best thing for DH to do as it removed so much conflict from his relationship with his ex. He now wishes he'd done it earlier.

Cobsob · 03/12/2018 10:15

Yes my partner her Dad is missing all of her first Christmas plans to go Christmas Eve and come back Boxing Day .We live together have been together two years baby is 10 months

MadeForThis · 03/12/2018 10:21

That's awful cobsnob. Luckily your dd won't know. But you do.

Why can't his dc come down on Boxing Day? I can see why he wants to see them Christmas days as 2 are still quite young. But surely if it's his Christmas they come to you. If it's the ex's Christmas they stay there with the ex?

Why the shared Christmas this year?

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:22

@Cobsob I'm honestly speechless. I realise babies don't really understand what's going on at their first Christmas but still.

Surely your partners children are old enough to say that they'd like to spend Christmas Day with you & the baby this year?

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:24

@Zampa DP would love to go to court and get it all resolved, but we aren't in a position financially to do it. It's heart breaking that is so expensive to get something into place.

We have DSC every other week (we never change our weekends), pick her up on time, pay maintenance on time.

The only changes are because Mum makes plans our weekends - most recently her wedding and then tells us 2 days before that we can't have her.

Cobsob · 03/12/2018 10:35

He is a good Dad to all of them and feels torn but his youngest said he really wanted to see him and he doesn't agree with taking them away from there Mum Christmas Day ...
I honestly don't get it he says he wants to be a family with us and then does this .
I know the children need to be happy but we are just left for me to get over it .It makes me think I can't handle how he co parents with his X but I love him we are happy apart from issues like this and Scarlett won't grow up with her Dad at home .
I see it as pick the kids up take them out or bring them here yesterday they all went to Tesco and the dump together and he sorted out all the children's rooms .
Maybe I should get over it but it's bloody hard .
Actually it's all soo hard trying not to throw in the towel the children are lovely I am really easy going so think he just thought I would be ok about it .

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 10:40

@Cobsob he doesn't think it's fair to take them away from mum on Christmas Day?
Then surely he just doesn't see them on Christmas Day. I can't imagine it's very healthy for his children to see that he's left his partner and child home alone to spend the day with his ex.

I find that really peculiar.

LBOCS2 · 03/12/2018 11:24

We alternate Christmas/NY with DH's ex. It's too far for both parents to see DSS on Christmas Day; it's a 4 hour journey so it's not realistic. DSS is with us for either the week of the holidays Christmas falls in, or the week New Years' falls in. This year we have him from the 21st-29th. Last year DH collected him on the 28th and he was with us until the weekend before he went back to school. We've been doing it like this for 9 years and it works well for us all.

SarahLovezHerChildren2018 · 03/12/2018 12:14

I think this is a tricky matter and something that should be talked about. Maybe have the kids one year and the partner with them another. You also need to thing about the children and overall its their choice

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 12:34

@SarahLovezHerChildren2018 what do you each yeah with you SC then?

MonsieurBing · 03/12/2018 12:47

I alternate Christmas with my ex.

Whoever's year it is will have them from school pick up on the last day of term until 9am Boxing Day. (So six days this year.) the other has them for seven days from Boxing Day. We then return to our normal pattern of a night a week and every other weekend. This means that I will have them for about ten nights from Boxing Day this year.

We find this a lot less disruptive to the kids than trying to swap them over half way through Christmas Day. I'd find that really upsetting as would the kids. And when I don't have them on the 25th we just move Christmas to the weekend before so they still have all the excitement of waking up to stockings and presents in the morning. It works for us!

Halloweenallyearround · 03/12/2018 12:51

Christmas Day is a holiday and separate from
Contact.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 13:03

@Halloweenallyearround 100% agree with you on that.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 13:05

@MonsieurBing I think the general consensus is to alternate years. Whether that being a swap over on Christmas Day itself or Boxing Day. Which is what I think it should be.

We unfortunately don't have a BM as understanding as yourself

Cobsob · 03/12/2018 13:25

Well at least I am not crazy he made me feel like it's a normal occurrence..
So feel a little better about it that I am not a crazy jealous nutcase......
He said that it will never happen again but this year if we manage to stay together will be very tough ..

OhComeOnRon · 03/12/2018 15:20

We normally alternate xmas morning but my DH has changed it to us having him xmas afternoon every year (agreed with mum) as we find the morning rush too much and would prefer to then have him for the rest of Christmas day and dinner.

Otherwise he would wake up xmas morning at ours and then not have much time to play before we have to visit grandparents and then take him to mums.

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