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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas Sharing

130 replies

Morganj28 · 03/12/2018 09:09

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

I have an idea of what I think it should be like in my head and it’s what I did as a child. But I want to see what other people’s opinions are to see if it’s a sane request or unreasonable.

So, I’m a step mum and it’s my OH daughter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

timeisnotaline · 05/12/2018 14:13

I personally don't think it's right that Christmas (or other special times) are 'shared' evenly if childcare is not shared evenly. If one parent only see's their child 2 or 3 days out of 14 then why should they get equal priority at Christmas or any other time?
You’re assuming they are all deadbeat parents who can’t be arsed seeing their child!!! Their are plenty of them out there and I wouldn’t prioritise them at Christmas but remember all the parents who are dying to see their children more and this is all the scraps they get! Let them have some Christmas!

stokieginge · 05/12/2018 14:20

@ScottyDog7 we see my DSC as often as possible. If we could we'd have her full time, we would. Unfortunately that's not a choice we're given.

I'm unsure as to why, if you don't have Step children, you're on a forum regarding step parenting.

Thanks for your knowledgable input to the debate though

stokieginge · 05/12/2018 14:20

@timeisnotaline well said

RaspberryBeret34 · 05/12/2018 14:58

My DS (6) sees his Dad for a couple of hours Christmas eve then comes to me for Christmas day till 4pm and after that goes back to his Dad's to stay the night and usually all of boxing day. It works well as my family do a full on (20 people inc kids) Christmas lunch whereas my ex doesn't really do christmas. DS gets a busy day then a quiet evening with his Dad and is happy with it. My ex also likes to go out for a few drinks Christmas eve! It works because we live in the same village. I'd be equally happy to alternate though and would just do a "christmas day" on a different day when it wasn't my year.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 05/12/2018 15:28

@stokie there are many many on here who are not step parents. Mostly giving a hard time to SMs!

However you know I think that there is a kernel of truth in the comment about - why should a parent who isn’t that involved then have equal Christmas? My ex hasn’t seen our son for 3 months yet expects him this Christmas. He will go but I wonder what sort of message this gives our son, you can get all the fun times of parenting and not bother with being a day to day parent. I’m worried he will see this as fair and fine for when he has his own kids.

It’s very hard to be fair so alternate Christmases are generally a good yard stick. However it’s not always so clear cut.

stokieginge · 05/12/2018 15:46

@Bananasinpyjamas11 completely agree with you if your DS hasn't seen his Dad in 3 months.

We see my DSD EOW & a night during the week so we're very much there always.

I just think the previous comment was slightly more vague about parents not spending equal amounts of time with the DC - or that's how it came across to me. Which is what I didn't agree with.

Also maybe it's just me. But I don't think people that aren't even involved in a similar situation (she said she neither had DC or DSC) should be weighing in.

PoesyCherish · 05/12/2018 16:31

Totally agree with everything you've said @stokieginge

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I think it's totally different in your case. The fact he can't even be bothered to see her for 3 months speaks volumes and I agree with you that in your case it's probably not in the best interests of the child to have alternate Christmases.

Zampa · 05/12/2018 17:52

@stuffedpeppers Why's it not fair for a mother not to see her children from Christmas Day to NYD but ok for a Dad?

TwistedStitch · 05/12/2018 18:00

I thought the same as stuffedpeppers tbh. Every single year, Dad getting Christmas Day to NYD seems grossly unfair. I would say the same in reverse, both parents should get the opportunity for some of that relaxing Christmas week so it should be alternated or shared.

Zampa · 05/12/2018 18:24

DH's ex wouldn't share Christmas Day or indeed any other time ...

I agree that alternate is best but DH couldn't get that so this is what was agreed in court. FWIW she gets every Easter weekend and every Christmas Day until 4pm.

stuffedpeppers · 06/12/2018 21:20

Zampa - less defensive please.

As a Mum I would struggle not seeing my DCs for that long - is all I said- every year and the same for a father.

just unusual for a Mum to give up every Xmas - was more my point. However, for your DP to get it every year because it is his annual leave seems very harsh. That implies Mum does the majority of the child care.

Also Easter is not Xmas and to suggest they are equivalent misses the point - especially with small kids.

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 07:50

just unusual for a Mum to give up every Xmas - was more my point

@stuffedpeppers where does @Zampa say the ex gives up every Christmas? I'm pretty she she says FWIW she gets every Easter weekend and every Christmas Day until 4pm. Surely that means she get every Christmas without any compromises? Surely if the father has limited annual leave it's better for him to see his DCs then rather than not at all?

Clarksmummy · 07/12/2018 08:06

I'm my opinion a child should spend Xmas Eve with the main care giver in their actual home waking up to Santa having magically been, my DS father has him for a few hrs Xmas day to exchange presents etc occasionally with ds staying over until boxing day, I suppose it depends on wether care is equally shared , I don't see why a DD who spends a few hrs a week with their child should have this changed just because it's Christmas!

TooSassy · 07/12/2018 08:17

Some of the inherent entitlement in these posts is so disappointing

the children belong to no-one, including the mums.
children (where both parents with PR) have regular scheduled access, hopefully have two homes. My DC certainly do and my DP’s DC do.
a key flag in parental alienation is giving children open choice. Why? Because it is very easy for the primary carer especially to subtly (or overtly) manipulate the DC into saying what they want to hear. Even now, with older DC, if I wanted to I could completely guilt mine into saying they wanted to spend every Christmas with me. All it takes is a few tears. A few comments about being alone and boom, I would get ‘mummy it’s ok, we’ll stay with you.’ whilst arrangements should be child focussed, there Re also things children shouldn’t get too much say in. My DC have never been asked to choose where they would like to be for Christmas. It’s been clear from the beginning that they get a Christmas with their dad and then me the following year. What should it only be the primary carer that gets the magic of Xmas eve and Christmas morning excitement?

Stop being so entitled. Having a uterus really should not give a mother more rights. I cannot wait for the laws to shift in this country to more shared care orders. It’s like living in the dark ages and I wonder if everyone on this thread has even discovered fire yet.

TooSassy · 07/12/2018 08:18

Sorry not everyone. Most posts are very even. I should have said some posters. Apologies.

Clarksmummy · 07/12/2018 08:32

Personally I feel entitled as I'm the parent who ensures my children's well being 365 days a year ensuring they have their needs met having made plenty of sacrifices, why should a part time father step in and enjoy the most magical day of the year ? I'm not saying that this is the same for everyone as I am aware that some separated couples do manage to share responsibility for their children and both provide equally,

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 08:33

Well said @TooSassy

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 10:12

YASSSSSS @TooSassy Preach it! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 10:20

@Clarksmummy why would christmas be any less magical with Dad?

This year we've got my DSC on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. With drop off being Boxing Day.

We would have been happy with Christmas Eve until Christmas morning. I imagine the only reason we've been given until Boxing Day is so next year we can't moan when we don't see her until the NY.

On Christmas Eve my DSC will come to our house to find a Christmas Eve box, with a letter from Santa. We're then going to see Father Christmas at our local garden centre on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day she'll receive just as many presents as she does at home. She'll see 3 sets of grandparents all of whom she adores. We're then spending Christmas evening with her adopted uncle, whom she adores.

I struggle to see where we are lacking in magic. This will be the first time that my DP has woken up with his DD on Christmas Day since her mother told him to leave after having cheated on him 4 years ago.

Why should a father who has no choice but to be a secondary care giver be any less worthy of a mother for spending Christmas Day with a child that shares half their DNA.

We would have my DSC full time if we could and she would flourish. Just because someone provides the primary 'care' for a child, it doesn't necessarily mean that the care being provided is what's best for the child.

Zampa · 07/12/2018 10:27

Thanks @PoesyCherish and I totally agree with @toosassy.

Many posters forget that contact is for the benefit of the child(ren), not the parent. It's irrelevant who does the "most" and so which parent "deserves" Christmas. It's important for the children to forge a good relationship with both the RP and NRP and that includes sharing the fun times like Christmas and the dull/everyday moments like homework and hoovering.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 07/12/2018 12:29

why would christmas be any less magical with Dad?

Why should a father who has no choice but to be a secondary care giver

I'm sure it will be wonderful. But it grates. And it really grates when you're the one doing all the daily grind, taking the time out to deal with illness, fitting in medical appointments, working three jobs (as I do), paying for every haircut, school trip and new pair of shoes and not getting a penny from the ex. My ex doesn't choose to be secondary care giver, you're right. But our children choose to not challenge the status quo and are fully aware of who supports them and who doesn't. Their choice would be to spend Xmas with me but in the grand scheme of things, what their father wants is always more important. Not all father's are some kind of hard-done by saint. They make choices and frequently they are unfair choices.

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 12:36

Their choice would be to spend Xmas with me but in the grand scheme of things, what their father wants is always more important

It's not fair to ask them really. Maybe they do want to spend Christmas with you or maybe they feel it's what you want to hear, can you ever really truly know the difference? What's fair is for them growing up to feel that both of their parents loved them enough to want to spend time with them, especially at Christmas.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 07/12/2018 12:48

Yeah, must be me in the wrong. Obviously. I'm just the ex. What the hell would I know?

Never asked my children about Xmas ever. Never entered into a discussion about it. Always shut it down because it's too difficult for all of us.

What would be fair, as a child, is to have a parent who was big enough to put you first. And that includes not slagging off your mum and making sure they made a contribution to feeding and watering them. If you can't be bothered to do that, spending time with said parent is pretty crap, isn't it?

PoesyCherish · 07/12/2018 13:06

If you can't be bothered to do that, spending time with said parent is pretty crap, isn't it?

Well that depends whether he's feeding and watering them at his or not or if you're just referring to maintenance. If you mean he pays little to no maintenance then no I don't think spending time with him is crap. Not paying an adequate amount of maintenance doesn't mean the children won't have a whale of a time with him, especially when they're young. If you enable contact especially at special times, they will see their Mum doing everything in her power to enable them to have an equal relationship with the other person they share half their DNA with. If you mean he doesn't feed them at his well then yes I agree spending time with him would be crap.

stokieginge · 07/12/2018 13:24

@ohreallyohreallyoh honestly have no words for some of your replies but that's just me

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