Christmas Sharing

[Morganj28]

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

I have an idea of what I think it should be like in my head and it’s what I did as a child. But I want to see what other people’s opinions are to see if it’s a sane request or unreasonable.

So, I’m a step mum and it’s my OH daughter.

Oh and we do all the travelling too. DP's ex doesn't even want to know where we live ffs

@PoesyCherish can we be BFF's 😂😂

Maybe once I've graduated from the TTC thread I'll suddenly have a brain shift and no longer hold the same values as I do now as a mere step parent.

DSS spends Xmas with his mum and mum's family. DH will collect him boxing day. Who knows how long he'll stay. Could be a couple of days, could be the rest of the week. Mum refuses for DH to see DSS Xmas day and won't agree to anything until the last minute. Hopefully we'll get to see him for the week. I've suggested that DH go to court but he's too worried about upsetting mum who has previously denied contact and uses a lot of emotional blackmail with DSS. It's a shame. He's a fab kid.

stokie totally guilt tripped her, but we have always taken the line the she will realise what her mum was like as she grew up.

I don’t think there is any divorced / separated parent or stepparent living the dream.
Situations may be different but the harsh reality is this, most of us did not ask for this level of complexity in our lives. Of shuttling kids back and forth and (possibly) dealing with BS crazy exes who seem to think that they somehow have more ‘rights’ because they are mothers.

I get truely f’d off with my life. I didn’t have kids with my ex to end up getting divorced. I do most of the grunt work. My ex is the reason i got divorced. But you know who asked for this life even less? My kids. So now we are all in this mess, I have one job and that is to make it better for my kids. Because there is not one kid alive who doesn’t want to see mummy or see daddy. And create happy memories with both parents. It doesn’t matter how much that parent does or doesn’t do. End of. Anyone who thinks their DC is happier not seeing their dad on Christmas Day? That’s the story you tell yourself to justify your actions. Obviously if you have an ex not interested then that in itself is heartbreaking for the kids.

These kids will grow up wondering why they didn’t get to do this with their own dad. That wondering can very easily turn into pain when they have their own kids. How did my dad never do this with me? Because they will experience that magic with their children and wonder how on Earth their parents missed it for them.

The reality is that when these children grow up and look through the lens of an adult, what will they see? A mother who did everything for them and a mother who was deeply unselfish and put them first, so they got to have these moments with both parents? Or a mother who put their own needs and wants first and never thought, ‘hold on, my kids need this with their dad. For them.’

I think part of the problem here is that the mothers know that the dads (and stepmums if relevant) would happily become the primary carers for their DC and that scares the living bejeesus out of them. So the answer is to control access to the kids never say ‘I enjoy it at dads more, I want to live with dad’. Restrict contact, limit memories and minimises future risks of that happening. My DP is in that situation. He has had to fight tooth and nail for every additional bit of contact with his DC. Most men would have walked away by now.

I call these mothers weapons of mass destruction. And the most damage being done? Is to the DC. Threads like this make me realise just how bad this problem has become. I wish family judges spent more time on boards like these. They need to start making very different decisions.

posey unfortunately it wasn't bitching in our case, it was full blown tears!!!

@TooSassy YES! YES & YES again.

This has brought me to tears.

@TooSassy have you considered running for PM? I can't disagree with a word you've said, and i say that as a mother and SM. DSS regularly says he'd rather live with us but fears what his mother would do. She regularly talks to him about suicide and her depression, and apparently services really aren't that concerned about this.. . As he gets older he's working it all out though and seeing life through a different lens. He's already having his own romantic relationships and that's made him see that the way people talk about their ex is often clouded. These DCs grow up and as the adults around them we're all accountable for our actions.

Another thread that has descended in aggressive projection. Each situation is different and what is best for one idoesnt have to be best for the other.

As a child of divorcees, I did alternate Xmas with one or the other usually for a week. I accepted it and made the best of it, but there was always a part of me what wished I could have spend some time with the other parent too.

When my kids were little, we managed to remain amicable enough to tolerate each other enough to spend the day together. This clearly had to change when we met new partners. We agreed on one alternating. Xmas eve/Xmas day until 2-4pm. When the kids were older, 7-10yo, we asked them what they preferred and they said definitely this arrangement so that's what we stuck too. Asking my kids was the right thing to do because I wouldn't always put their wishes first especially on a day that is really about them rather than parents. I would have felt really bad imposing something to be told by them later that they'd wish for a different arrangement but didn't want to tell me so not to rock the boat.

@zampa not one person has said it is. Straw man argument right there. Previous posters said they would be aggrieved, not that they would prevent contact. Quite the converse actually. Don't extrapolate.

@PinkGinny No-one has stated in directly but I'm certainly not extrapolating. There are examples on this thread of RPs preventing contact and other posters have stated that they deserve Christmas more then the NRP. This is clearly wrong and not in a child's best interest.

@zampa examples provided by people other than the mother and thinking you 'deserve' it more is very different to preventing it. So yes, extrapolation.

When I was young we did alternate years, with the Christmas stint being Christmas Eve to 27. Worked for us. I would have hated to split the day as then you don’t get time to enjoy either place.

Do haven't got step dc .but I grew up in 2 step families...every year I had to choose who to spend Xmas day with ,then Boxing Day and new year.they were either incapable of sorting it out.or got a kick out of me choosing one over the other.tbh I'm surprised I still love Xmas..

@pinkginny So you're saying that the posters who've talked about RPs restricting and preventing contact are making it up?

@Zampa @PinkGinny pinky swear I'm telling the truth about of lack of contact last Christmas.

@Veganfortheanimals this comment just proves it shouldn't be a decision for the children, but instead the adults should be grown up enough to take everyone into consideration and alternate.

@toosassy I agree it would be so nice if everyone came from a place like yours, where it’s a bit of unselfishness on both sides. I think that creates the best separated scenario.

However it’s rarely like that. I guess that’s one of the most common reasons we’ve split up, one partner was more selfish. That seems to become even more extreme afterwards.

My ExH is now extremely selfish when it comes to me and our son. So I don’t think it’s always Dads who are the unselfish ones. I spent the first four years after we were separated letting him have our son every single Christmas. Because his mum was on her own, and I felt bad that he didn’t get his son as much as me as I was the main carer.

I spent one Christmas totally on my own! Well I did charity work and my job too.

I just thought this is how we’ve got to be. We’ve got to be kinder after separating.

Then I realised my mistake. My Ex was increasingly a pain. Being inconsistent with contact. Not parenting much when he did. Constantly complaining. Saying how awful it was for him that he didn’t see his son as much as he wanted. (Yet if I was ill / had more work he was nowhere to be seen!).

And I realized my son wanted some memories of Christmas with me too. So I pulled up the ‘nice’ bridge and just did alternate Christmases from then on, and insisted on regular consistent contact.

On the other hand, my DPs Ex was very selfish and had her kids every single year. We only had them once. We had some of them living with us but honestly because she wouldn’t let control of those mother reins it didn’t work well. You can’t have your cake and eat it as a parent without damaging the kids and the new step families. It causes so much stress.

OP and toosassy and others who have to deal with a selfish Ex, which is very evident over Christmas, be strong and insist on alternate years. Good luck!

I’m having both my kids this year with my family and cannot wait. It’s going to be fantastic.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with me. Boxing Day morning until evening with ex. This is what we agreed together, but my ex is planning to visit the house Christmas Day morning

I would have hated to split the day as then you don’t get time to enjoy either place
And my kids loved being able to celebrate twice in one day with both their parents so shows that different kids will want different things and surely the only thing that matters is what they want hence both mums and dad's needed to swallow their own selfish needs even on Xmas day and ask their kids with no pressure as to what their preference is and go with it!

People make such a big deal of this one day. It is is not the one day to make it about the kids and the kids only then ai don't what is.

My kids prefer to see both parents on the day too. Even though ex only sees them EOW I wouldn't want the kids to miss him on the day. He has drinks with his gf on Xmas Eve rather than Xmas Day so not being able to drink isn't a consideration.

It doesn't matter how "fucked off" one parent is with the other. Children aren't weapons and withdrawal/denial of contact is generally not in a child's best interest

I think you aimed that at me. My children have not been denied contact with their father in 10 years. They see him every week. He chooses not to have them half the holidays (would cost him in childcare), nor does he take them on holiday but he does have them every other Xmas (as do I, obviously). I have never suggested that withdrawl or denial of contact is an option. Nor have I ever practised withdrawl or denial of contact. However, as children grow older and more savvy and my ex gives them yet another new step mum, it has become pretty clear to our children who's priority they are. And it's not my exs. Hence, when latest stepmum told them to get the f**k out of her house (my ex's house in which she lived, entirely supported by him, despite the fact he can't manage to support his children), they decided to take her up on the offer. They have gone back this week but that's because ex finally got rid of her. It won't be long till the next one but at least Xmas this year will be peaceful.

This year is Mammy’s year (we have residence) we are dropping off after tea on Christmas Eve, dd will be with Mammy until at least Boxing Day. Agreement says she should have half the holiday but still waiting for her work shifts to be confirmed to arrange the rest of the break. We get New Year and dd’s birthday then next Christmas is ours. Realistically we will just celebrate our own Christmas at New Year.

The whole thing about non sms shouldn't be posting here is funny, one of the biggest posters here, a childless sm regularly lurks the lone parenting board to berate mothers.

It wasn't aimed at anyone in particular @ohreallyohreallyoh, I was commenting on something @pinkginny had said, based on how my DSC were treated by their mother.

I have interned my comments, overall, to be pretty generic, about parents (in an ideal world) sharing both the highs and the lows of family life and also being permitted to share both.