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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas Sharing

130 replies

Morganj28 · 03/12/2018 09:09

For the step parents what is everyone’s routine for seeing kids over Christmas?

I have an idea of what I think it should be like in my head and it’s what I did as a child. But I want to see what other people’s opinions are to see if it’s a sane request or unreasonable.

So, I’m a step mum and it’s my OH daughter.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/12/2018 15:27

Cobsob that appalling. I'd kill do if he did that to.our baby.

If it's bothering you that much tell him and say no as it isn't fair. He's taking your child's first Christmas away!
We alternate and that's normal. On years we don't have them we have them boxing day and Skype Xmas day , ex does the same.

Cobsob · 03/12/2018 15:46

Thanks for the support guys I am gonna see how I feel on the day I don't want one Christmas to ruin out relationship but nice to know that others in similar situations agree .I am new to Mumsnet I was on BabyCentre and I am sure I would have been slated on there for being selfish ha ha ha
We will have a lovey day i have a big family who love her to pieces .
Forgiven well with time but not forgotten and never to happen again .
I also think to take it in turns in a better way to it ...

TooSassy · 03/12/2018 17:46

When my ex and I were newly separated and the DC’s were younger we each stayed out as we were told the DC’s may want to see both parents on Xmas day.

The reality (for my DC) is that it just didn’t work. They are in their Xmas pj’s. Playing with their toys. Chilling out and watching movies. Moving them midway through Xmas is just not what they want to do. Plus it’s very restrictive for the parent who has to go back to an empty house on Xmas day. Who wants that? So a few years ago we just decided that each parent gets them for a period of 4 to 5 days and we alternate between Xmas and new year.

So my DC get to go off and visit my exH’s family and have a good time. I get to jump on a plane and see family as opposed to sitting on my own at home. So far it works for everyone.

I’d hate doing the whole Xmas day switch. Completely stops you from being able to do anything (including travel).

stuffedpeppers · 03/12/2018 18:45

Zampa - I can not imagine as a mum not seeing my DCs frm Xmas Day afternoon to New Years day - because that was the fathers annual holiday.
It seems draconian and so unfair- but if that is what the court ordered then that is it.

As a mum I would fight that hard !

donkir · 03/12/2018 18:50

My son is now 16 and since he was 2 we've done every other Christmas. From Christmas Eve night to Christmas Day night.
This year ds is going on Friday 21st through to Christmas Day night as it's ex-p weekend to have him anyway.
It works for us.

BeekyChitch · 03/12/2018 19:06

DD5 wants to spend Christmas with me and my family as she has done every year since she was born. She sees ex and his family once every 6-8 weeks (their choice as they're all apparently too busy with work). She will go to theirs on Boxing Day, I imagine. Not ideal but it is what it is.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 19:34

@TooSassy what I liked in your reply was the 'we decided'. This is a privilege which we are not afforded. It's very much this is what's happening and that's touch.

So this year we're seeing her 2 days out of 27. Albeit that's Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. But our weekend with her has been cancelled and no alternative put into place.

MycatsaPirate · 03/12/2018 20:08

I don't have this issue thankfully. My ex doesn't even send the kids presents, never mind want to see them. But neither the girls or I are bothered. He would never make any effort at Christmas (in any part of it) when we were together so doubt he'd try and make it anything special now.

My partner's DD is coming to us for Xmas day this year, first time ever. She is now 23 though. The youngest is 15. Dp split with her mum in 2010 and has never had her for Xmas eve/ day. Not once. He was allowed to have an hour with her on Xmas afternoon and she was always late. He hasn't seen her at Xmas for 3 years now. DSD2 now lives with her mum's boyfriend an hour away.

TooSassy · 03/12/2018 20:16

I am lucky, you are right. We decided as a family because it’s what the kids wanted too. I just make sure on the Xmas’s I don’t have them that I fill my time with people I love. It’s hard not seeing them for 4 days but the reality is that they have an amazing time and as a Mum I put what they want first. I’d want nothing more than every Christmas with them, but their dad more than deserves being able to create special memories with them too. As they get older they’ll make their own decisions increasingly and I hope that they continue to mix and match with my ex and I (or even jet off on holiday) without feeling conflicted or guilty.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 21:41

@TooSassy just realised you've commented on my 'family court' post: this thread is another example of what we have to deal with

jinglebellsduvet · 03/12/2018 22:03

It does depend on the child, the state of the ex and the distance locations. DS has always been here on Christmas Day and then to his fathers on Boxing Day (if the @@@@@ hasn't made other plans, he has a habit of cancelling due to a party or he has decided to go to a Christmas at a random persons house at distance away - so won't be back until the New Year).

Main reason is DS wants to be at home on Christmas & I wouldn't alter our plans for a random last minute request (that could quite easily have led to a small child waiting & not being collected). DS is old enough now to decide, but has no interest in going to whatever random house/location his father is having lunch at.

stokieginge · 03/12/2018 22:14

@jinglebellsduvet from our front door to her front door takes us about 10 minutes. We see DSC eow without fail.

jinglebellsduvet · 03/12/2018 22:18

@stokieginge that's not good!!!

jinglebellsduvet · 03/12/2018 22:18

@stokieginge I meant that's not good that you get no proper time over Christmas in that situation.

SunnyintheSun · 04/12/2018 07:56

It depends on the children and what works for them. We have one who likes to do a half day at each house, another who doesn’t like the disruption of moving houses on Xmas day and so on. We just work round what they prefer - and fingers crossed we’re all together at some point but it’s not the end of the world if not. As long as they are happy.

PoesyCherish · 05/12/2018 10:12

Last year we were allowed to see DSD on Christmas Eve but had to drop her back by 4 pm (otherwise her Mum wouldn't have even allowed contact on CE). We then saw her again Boxing Day.

This year his ex has decided her plans are more important for the whole of December so we're allowed to see her this coming weekend and then again on the 30th December I absolutely hate it and it makes me feel desperately sad.

Honestly I wish we could alternate. I don't think it's fair that DSD is going to grow up thinking her Dad and I didn't want to see her at Christmas - which is probably how her Mum will spin it and it's what I would think if I never saw one parent over Christmas as a child.

Generally people do tend to alternate. Personally I wouldn't like to switch on Christmas Day because then I'd feel they don't really get to enjoy things at each house. I think CE and CD with one parent and then go to the others on BD morning. Mind you I think at this point we'd do anything if it meant seeing DSD on CD even if it was only for part of the day.

stokieginge · 05/12/2018 10:30

@PoesyCherish we had exactly what you're having this year last year.

My DP separated from DSC mum 4 years ago. This is our third Christmas together.

The first Christmas he was categorically told that she would always wake up with 'HER' daughter on Christmas Day. It was agreed to we could have DSC from 4pm on Christmas Day. We then got a call at 11ish on CD saying that DSC wanted to come earlier. She then turned up just as we were sitting down for Christmas lunch - with no warning. Cue rearranging the table and making extra sittings extra. DSC (3 at the time) then proceeded to play up all though lunch because she knew that there was presents in the next room.

Last year we had what you had. She took her away from the weekend before Christmas until the following weekend. She didn't ask before hand, we only found out because we asked what the plan was for Christmas. But we should be okay with it because we had her on Christmas Day the year before.

This year we do have her on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. But she then goes away with her first thing Boxing Day morning - we won't get her on the weekend (which is our contact weekend) so therefore we won't see DSC again until 12th Jan. And we were only meant to be having her from Christmas Eve evening until I said we'd made plans on Christmas Eve.

I 100% think that both parents should see their child each year on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I really don't think it's fair that they don't.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 05/12/2018 11:00

@cobsnobs that isn’t fair of your DP at all. The first Christmas that you’ve a child and he’s basically spending it with his Ex? No way!

Alternate Christmases. But that’s assuming everything works well and it often doesn’t. I’ve had one Christmas only with my step kids, and one of them opted not to come and then complained later she wasn’t included. When they were younger, their mother used to rant and then cry to get her way to have them each Christmas. Even though we had them 51 weekends of the year, suddenly she wanted the Christmas days.

Having said that, I always let my son have alternate with his Dad, with days to suit him. However my youngest is special needs and honestly I work so hard with him all year that I’d probably resist strongly my Ex having him on Christmas Day! He doesn’t really put in the work, and my son would be very upset without me. But that’s a exceptional circumstance and is only really a few years. When he’s older it might be better.

Winterishere2018 · 05/12/2018 12:41

We split the day so ds is here Christmas morning and ex collect ds at about 5 for a couple of days works as ex has a big family so does all the family visits during that time. I asked ds what he thought about waking up at his df Christmas and he was completely upset about the thought of not being at home with us so it’s depends on the child aswell as the other party’s.

ScottyDog7 · 05/12/2018 12:56

I don't have kids or step kids, but there are many in family.
I personally don't think it's right that Christmas (or other special times) are 'shared' evenly if childcare is not shared evenly. If one parent only see's their child 2 or 3 days out of 14 then why should they get equal priority at Christmas or any other time?
Drive me potty that I know a father and mother (no joint children) who don't want any of their children on a certain day of the week because it's their only day off, but moan they don't see enough of them! And bitch about how shit the other parents are. I've hard to start cutting them out because I can't keep the friendship going when all they do is bitch in front of the kids (when they are there).

ScottyDog7 · 05/12/2018 12:57

Of course, if childcare if more shared and both parents are equally involved and supportive, then makes perfect sense to do what works for both sides, be that the same each year or alternate the same schedule between both parents.

PoesyCherish · 05/12/2018 13:01

I personally don't think it's right that Christmas (or other special times) are 'shared' evenly if childcare is not shared evenly. If one parent only see's their child 2 or 3 days out of 14 then why should they get equal priority at Christmas or any other time?

Are you for real? So if you've got a shit of an ex who only lets you see your DC 2/3 nights out of 14, when you're doing everything in your power to see them more but the ex refuses, or when your ex moves away making it physically impossible to have the DC on a school night, you then want to stick the knife in even further and not allow Christmas contact??

Magda72 · 05/12/2018 13:14

@Cobsob - I too am speechless. I cannot believe that anyone would do that. If my dp chose to spend Xmas with an ex who would not speak to me I would honestly question the validity of my relationship. It is also setting his children a dreadful example as to how he prioritizes relationships. Fuming for you - I really am.

TeeBee · 05/12/2018 13:20

We just try to be reasonable with each other and base it around what is best for the kids, depending on what is happening. In the past, kids have been with me all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 3/4pm, then dad takes them over to his girlfriend's house for a fun night with her daughters, who they get on really well with. Then he has them most of Boxing Day. Then, as we're all off over Christmas, we just sort of balance it all out but if something exciting is happening, that we don't want the kids to miss out on, we make that happen. This year, ex-DH is worried about his mum's health and wanted them to have a special lunch with everyone together so we've accommodated that and the boys will be with me in the morning, him for lunch, and back to me for evening games. He's then taking them out to see a football game on Boxing Day. It's pretty easy come, easy go around here based on making the kids happy but ensuring they get time with all their extended family.

stokieginge · 05/12/2018 13:28

@PoesyCherish I thought I was funny that should who does have DSC is lurking on a SP forum and handing out advice. I was planning on just ignoring but as you've said something

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