A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

Swing of things- I have already said hindsight I got that part wrong. I wouldnt say it was odd behaviour. I saw it as let us two just meet - without my partner. And i am not sure you have even bothered to read my post. I am NOT throwing my toys out of the pram. I shared my feelings and asked for advice on whether I was being unreasonable. That was it. I find it sad that we all couldn’t have just enjoyed it- and parked the feelings aside for the little one that matters the most.

oh really - there are rules- there are time slots. There is a way. Are some people actually human on here? Do people even read what people are saying or simply react? You can see it now? Can you really? (maybe you should change your name to that) If this is how you would react - then God forbid how worse you would make the situation.

I mean depending on the situation I half get it—- to write it off altogether - not ok.

There are too many parents here who, from what I read, are extremely bitter, insecure and quite frankly - need to move on.

Chirst alive- A few years ago I sat with some old chap who crashed his car was so shaken up and not a mess. I stayed with him until his family got there - and they asked me to hang around. I'd never met him before in my life. Try being grateful.

Yes there are different views. Different feelings- but at times it's all a selfish view because of how WE feel.

If you are separated and your partner has met someone else, then you know what- I really feel for him. And what appears to be a control issue on your part. I don't see how this attitude will be good for children full stop.

I hope I never ever wind up with whatever you are feeling - it isn't pretty. This is the first time I have been visited this site – and I can’t believe some posters are actually human, let alone parents.

In my view.

giant I aren't sure what your ex has to do with it.

you were saying a step parent had no right to be there because a mother may have to leave for a few mins,

now youre saying you as a mother would allow it

so what point are you trying to make?

obviously we have all already worked out that you hate your ex..

User 1437 I have forgotten the rest.

Thank you. Very useful. I appreciate your reply. And I think I need to as well.

I know this will be an issue - but I’ll deal with it.

There’s a lot of this on here flamingo. I’m gonna set up step mums net. Where everyone can send us hate mail- stone is and do whatever else is in their heads.

Flamingo what I was saying was that I could understand that there could be a situation where a step parent insisted on a parent leaving to let them sit with a child, that's all. I never ever said I would do that - if the child wanted them there I would leave and let the step parent be there.

If the child wanted them there being the most important thing.

My ex has behaved appallingly towards my children and put his new relationship first and foremost and that, to me, is unforgivable.

flamingo, seriously, read what I wrote. i never said what you're saying I said you have invented words I did not write.

you were agreeing with a post that talked about mothers getting dragged away from their sick childs bed, saying you could well believe it would happen. a) it wouldn't happen because a hospital wouldn't let it and b) the child in question wanted the step parent there, rendering the post about mothers being dragged away entirely bollocks anyway!

I didn't go to avoid a scene, the only thing that mattered was dsd getting better. She knows she's loved and tbh I got her mom n dad wanted just them there - no issue. Just a bit hard to explain to a child that's all. I see it from both sides as I'm a mom too.

Read what I actually wrote Flamingo.

All I said was I could believe it might happen. That's all. All the rets is your projection.

All the rets is your projection

most of your posts on this thread have been projection!!

I’m certainly not bitter op yet I offered you an POV from a stepchild who utilmately didn’t feel happy with his SM being overbearing.

In terms of hospital scenario yes often or not it’s often limited to two per patient then yes the parents should be priority. I remember the thread from a step mother although she was a gf of about 2-3 years wanting to be in attendance with both parents whilst the SD underwent heart surgery. She couldn’t fathom why she should be excluded from such a thing even though the dm just wanted to be by her frightened girls side. In certain situations it’s just not appropriate it doesn’t mean people are bitter and haven’t moved on.

I remember that heart surgery thread. She hadn't even been with her boyfriend 2 years but was very put out that the parents travelled together with the child to her operation. What was even worse was some other posters agreeing it wasn't on, and that she should be the one by her boyfriend's side, staying over at the relative's house and Mum should stay alone in a hotel.

Snapped - that isn't how it came across. Your stepmum- was she the reason your mum and dad split up?
Re the hospital - that scenario - well that makes sense. I'd leave them to it and say call if you need me or if things change. Be supportive- but you are using one example. imagine it was tonsils being removed. And you know what- if my SS thought this of me or I got so much of an inkling about that - then fair enough.

In my situation it’s all amicable - no issues. It just started with me asking a question if I was being unreasonable with all I put in. That’s it.

I agree with Spangly. Your DP wants to have his cake and eat it!

my DHs priorities will always be his son, the ex, our DD, me

I know every situation is unique, but I can’t imagine a point in our marriage where my husband would prioritise his ex over me. Other than maybe the end point!!

There have been a number of situations I have felt "Hello- yoo hoo - I am here" but you know what - I just need to work through it. Not give so much and get that balance.

We will get there. Thanks Hecky peck

Justcallmestep I agree with PPs who say you need to stop doing the wifework. The reason why stepdads in general have an easier time of it than stepmums (I know there are exceptions) is that the couple dynamic that was in place before the parents separated tends to continue once new partners arrive. So in most cases it was mum who did the bulk of the housework, school runs, meal planning, cooking, laundry, homework etc. So if the mum splits up with the dad and a new partner eventually moves in with her chances are she'll continue with the housework, school runs etc and all step dad has to do is be nice to the kids, provide her with emotional support and pick up the odd school run maybe.

However when the dad's new partner moves in she invariably finds herself stepping into the "mum" role because the nurturing role is what society expects of women and if you don't then you're judged as being some cold-hearted bitch who hates her stepchildren. Also the tendency when you first move in is to help out your DP and "prove" you accept that he and his kids come as a package and you're not the wicked stepmum stereotype. Dad thinks he's pulling his weight because if you're lucky he's doing say 50% of the child related chores but is failing to realise that he actually owns 100% of them. Cue resentment when you realise you get all the shit bits of parenting without the benefits or unconditional love that parents have to see them through the challenging times. Of course children have interactions with people who care for them other than parents but they'll either be paid for it (teachers, nannies) or have fewer expectations placed upon them regarding their lives being dictated by someone else's arrangements.

That said I would agree that parent's evenings are for parents only and your expectations around that are unrealistic.

Enjoy being with your step son but step back from the crap bits in the way that most step dads do. You can withdraw from the domestic drudgery that comes with kids without withdrawing from your actual step son. Be the fun aunt! Your DP can't have it both ways.

Black cat I find it really sad that your daughter is 3rd. Surely both his children should come first?

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat - exactly that!

I agree you n your child should be equal to his kids! My dp sees kids Inc our joint child as equal and then me. His ex isn't on the list. He only interacts with her for the children and about them, beyond that he dosnt care

As a rule of thumb, I think that things a granny or aunt would go to, a SM should be able to go. So...
Assemblies
Birthdays
Events - weddings, christenings.

Things that are specifically for the main guardian/s or parents
Parents evening
Medical appointments
Choosing schools, Uni
Important life and school stuff e.g. decisions about safety, health, lifestyle etc.

It’s really tough though and your DP should have stuck up for you going to the assembly. Of course you should be there and it is good that you are caring and involved.

Also, the more you are in his life the more you should be able to influence and help - I’ve gone through my DSDs career choices for gcse and Uni with her, to give her my POV, it was natural that I did as she lived with us full time. I got thr nits out of DSDs hair, and set their bedtimes for 2 weeks as their mum decided to go on holiday over Easter without anyone asking me - and DP was at work. So I was in my eyes the main parent for that time, not just a childminder!

It’s tough though.

P.s. don’t get too hassled by posters labelling you as awful just because you asked the question. You are obviously wanting to explore it and your feelings of hey, don’t i matter too? Are valid. There’s little help for what is the line between SM and parent - and it’s a tricky tightrope at the best of times.

The Ex was out of order to make you feel bad for going to an assembly - neither the Ex or your DP can expect your care and consideration for their son and your step son without also sharing openly that you are an important figure in his life.

Thanks bananas- I get parents evening. Totally. Assemblies and the like - I won’t agree with. Well anyway- my evening went tits up. I tried to talk- he wasn’t interested. I’m this I’m that I’m involved when I want to be. I’ve asked him how I’m not involved and he’s said I’m not always at the Monday drop off. pretty sure he thinks the fact I might miss one drop of to school every fortnight or so now means I am not involved. I know he’s just annoyed that I’ve said I should take a step back now.

There’s a lot of inconsiderate narrow minded parents on here. You can deliver an opinion in a far better way especially when something can actually be sensitive to someone. Thank F I have thick skin because honestly - it’s disgusting some behaviours on here and what this could do to people.

I’d actually be ashamed if the were my parents.

All I read was I’ve over stepped the mark I’ve overstepped the mark. I haven’t done ANYTHING. I haven’t forced myself at parents evening - I had an expectation from my partner given everything i channel in. And asked a question. That was it.

What has overstepped the mark is the vision in people’s head because all of a sudden I’m “that” woman in their situation.

Urgh.

Let me say- yes I might have chosen this life- but I chose it thinking I’d be backed by my partner when it mattered. Not left there high and dry. My life changed ten fold. My diary became that of 4 people. My time was no longer my time it became our time. I have never had to think of anyone but myself and al of a sudden I’ve 4 different avenues and trying to deal with managing each and I’ve done bloody well.

One parent does not have more control over the other - if one parent wants to involve their partner that’s their choice - just let them make it and let it be.

The whole thing is learning and the same goes for parenting.

Being a parent is all in the blood. It’s how you feel.

Hence foster parents, carers adoptive parents and low and behold step parents!

That should have said being a parent isn’t all in the blood. Christ I’m even typing everyone else’s views now.

But foster and adoptive parents are there because the birth parents are in some way unable or inadequate to parent. In a step family situation that is not the case.

Sorry but no you don't get a say as a step parent.

Your role starts when the child is at your house and finishes when they leave.

If I'm honest, I wouldn't want you at parents evening. You are not the parent. That's for mum and dad. Assembly, meh not so much, but things like parents evening, medical issues are just not your role.

You need to step back and stop seeing your role as mum essentially.