A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

Yes you were unreasonable. I'm not having a go at you at all, I think it's lovely that you are interested and care. But, this child's mother didn't have a baby with you. She had one with your OH - she doesn't have to coparent with you if she doesn't want to. The fact that she doesn't ask you for childcare, but makes arrangements with family should tell you very clearly that she thinks you are overstepping and you need to back off.
You say 'we' have dss, but really it is his dad who has him. Your problem here is if your dh is asking you to do the hard work of parenting instead of him, in which case I think you can legitimately get pissed off at not being included by him. Thr mum owes you nothing.
I think bring at a school play or assembly is fine - these are kind of public events, you get grandparents etc going. Parents evening is literally that - for mum and dad to talk to school about their child. Dss is not yours and I think you have to find the balance of being involved but not a third parent.
It is hard though and I do feel for you - step parents get a lot of the donkey work and not always much of the rewards of parenting.

Yes you're being very unreasonable. Sorry but thats not how step parenting works. You are absolutely right that you are way down the list or priorities and that's just part of the deal. I have a step son and my DHs priorities will always be his son, the ex, our DD, me. You need to be independent and comfortable enough to deal with this. You have a lot invested in that child naturally but you are not their parent and that's what's really hard. I have known my DSS for 5 years and love him as if he were my own child but you cannot just expect to waltz in uninvited and have a say in important aspects of his life. His mum and dad need to present a united front and you need to stand back. Of course you need to be a positive person in his life but you have no parental responsibility and no right to be there unless the ex invites you. You absolutely need to talk roles, responsibilities and expectations and this needs to be on her terms so if she says the 3 of you not just you and her then that's what you do. The ex holds all the cards and you just have to get to a point of acceptance in this. It's difficult when you love the child but they are not yours. Step back before you really get her back up because that never ends well and will damage the relationship between her and your DP.

Your being very unreasonable. Lovely that you care, but no, you should not be at parents evening. If mum wasent around it may be a different story. My sons step mum is a nice woman, but understands boundaries as does my partner.

Agree you're being unreasonable

My EXH is with someone else now who has children from another relationship too. We get on well but she doesn't get involved with things like assemblies and parents evening and my ex doesn't get involved with that kind of thing for her kids.

You need to back off

I think most will say yabu, but I don't.
I have had moments as a mother where I've worried DS will love someone more than me, when I've thought I don't want that to happen, but then I've realised that is completely selfish and unfair.
I love DS more than anything, and because if that I want him to love as many people as possible, and for as many people to love him and support him.
His Dad has had a number of women, but one in particular I adored, we still meet up now as she did a lot for DS when they were together, and DS really cherishes that relationship.
Having seen the ex with women who treat DS like baggage they can't be arsed carrying, I know which I prefer.
When DS was off school unexpectedly and I had no leave left, DS's partner had him for the day, it was a life saver. His Dad hated it actually.
I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that your step son is lucky to have you, and if his Mum and Dad can't see that, it's their problem and not yours.

You need to be aware that the mother is probably quite wary of you, fearful that you are trying to take her place and reluctant to give you more involvement than you already have. The little boy has only got one mummy, not two.Stepmothers are either the "wicked stepmother" or they're trying to take the child over for themselves! (There's no in between!). And tbh, as a grandmother myself, I'd rather look after my dgc myself rather than have anyone else do it.

Never mind, maybe you'll have a DC of your own some day?

Did you expect DP's ex to go to one parents night appointment and you and DP to go together to another one?

YABU but it’s because you just don’t get it.

Parents night is for parents. You’re not the parent of that child. If you want to know stuff discussed there then ask your partner.

You’re overstepping.

It sounds to me that your DP is happy for you to take the role of parent on his behalf but doesn't want to admit that to the boys mum.

Sounds like he's using you as a free child minder.

I understand why you feel it's unfair that your taking on such a large role in this child's life but your not allowed involvement in anything school related or public. But he's not your kid. It's up to his parents if they want to give you parental responsibility. You can't force it just because you've looked after him.

It sounds like you've invested alot in this child. Are you and your partner married, do you have kids of your own? I would take a step back if I were you. Your dp should be taking the main parental role when ss is with you, not you. Otherwise you could end up very hurt in this situation.

It's not uncommon for men to expect the new partner to be a mum replacement to their kids. But they don't really want a mum replacement, they want a free child minder. Don't over estimate your role in the child's life. Also you say you don't want to be a replacement mum, but then why do you care about parents evening and assembly's?

have a step son and my DHs priorities will always be his son, the ex, our DD, me.

Ummm, am I the only person that thinks this is wrong.

Why would step son and exw take priority over your shared dd?

I hope your dd doesn't know how far down her fathers list she is.

Yes, it’s not your role, your job, your responsibility. Sure, the teachers will make a second appointment but if the parents are able to attend together, that is surely that is best for the child? Save the double appointments for cases of domestic abuse or serious post-divorce disagreements.

You obviously feel taken for granted but here’s the thing: we didn’t choose you to be in our children’s lives. We are sure you are very nice people but we don’t necessarily need to be friends. We have to accept you, regardless of how it might make us feel and regardless of what our children might want or feel (because our children tell us all sorts and sometimes it isn’t good). We don’t answer to you, and we don’t have to be grateful to you. Sometimes your existence makes us uncomfortable, particularly if we don’t have a new partner ourselves. It can feel very much two against one and no matter how hard you try not to tread on toes, turning up to events is, for some, very much a toe-stepping situation.

Personally, I could ‘t care less because for my ex, it’s all about upsetting me. I only shout out about it if he has taken 2 tickets in a 2 ticket per family situation (and on one occasion didn’t get to see my child in the school play because my ex, and his girlfriend of the time, thought it amusing to make a point. I can assure you that they did that at the expense of a child’s emotional well-being, a child who knew exactly the game his father was playing and has never forgotten it)). I do however, get tired of the sense of ‘you should be grateful’ because no, decent people treat all children decently as a bare minimum. And I’m not grateful to have to co- parent with a man I can’t stand, much less his dubious choice in partner (that’s personal - I know the majority of step parents are decent people). Your argument is with your partner, not the ex, but remember he has to keep the peace on both sides. Do ‘t put him in a position where you force him to choose.

Hmm, I'll say that parents evening is for the parents, but in my opinion it's the only thing you need to 'back off' from.

Certainly do not 'back off' emotionally. The child was younger than two when you became part of his life - he will literally be unable to remember you ever not being there. If you backed off emotionally now it would be hugely upsetting for him. Some people might think that level of suffering is ok if it protects his mother's feeling, I guess, but I can't be onboard with that.

As for the rest - I get it completely and I have nothing but empathy for what you're feeling.

I've lived with my partner and her two little girls for a couple of years. The younger is 4 now and the older 8. I never meant to be so deeply involved. Figured I'd be a friend for them, be a positive enough impact that they felt life was better for my presence, and that would be a win-win for everyone.

I didn't expect how hard it would be to walk the "be involved enough but don't overstep" tightrope. I didn't expect to love them this much. I didn't expect that my greatest fear of ever breaking up with my girlfriend was that I'd potentially not see the girls. I didn't think I'd be reading or singing to them each night because they specifically asked me to. I didn't expect them to invest in us being 'family' - but they did.

I prepared for the resentment and everything - read all the guides. Instead the then six year old arranged it all neatly in her head that dad was dad and she saw him every other weekend (more quality time than she'd ever got previously) and the rest of the time it was with her mum and me. And she was happy with that. I never even planned to be stepdad - we avoided words like that very intentionally. And then we find that she's told everyone at school that's what I am before sheepishly asking me if it's ok.

Then one day you realise that you've massively over-invested but can see that the children are happy for it. Children can take all the love you throw at them - they don't swell up and burst if they get too much.

Which isn't really a problem until you see all the 'stop' signs - over parent's evening, school plays etc. They're all over the place, and sadly they're all just part of the rules. I've had questions after helping the 8 year old with her homework - I'd love the chance to speak to her teachers about it. Luckily I know my girlfriend will, but it's frustrating all the same.

The assembly part just sounds mean-spirited by the lad's mum.

Despite all this I know it's ever harder for you. The girl's dad is very cooperative (despite it emotionally costing him a lot - I have a lot of respect for him in this.) I'm a step-dad, so automatically only get about 5% of the shit that step-mums do. And my girlfriend understands. She didn't at first, and some of the more complex emotional shit I had to really explain, but she gets it.

The part of your post that struck me the most was your partner's lack of support. It's ok for him to think that unfortunately, you need to hold back from certain events. It's not ok, it's really not, for him to disregard the emotional toll it takes on you.

Sorry you're experiencing this - I know it's a turbulent experience when you're just not the disengaging type.

I'm surprised the mum didn't want to meet you before you got married?

I see this from both sides but it does sound like you need to take a big step back. You are pushing yourself into situations that neither parent is really comfortable with and the child will pick up on that. The most important thing is the child, not how you feel about attending parents evenings or assemblies. That's something you have to get over by yourself.
It's lovely that you want to be there but that should be when both mum and dad are comfortable having you there and not before.
Most schools for Christmas plays and important events limit tickets to 2 parents each for fire regulations and things like that. They don't give out extra tickets for step parents, it's just something that most step parents accept. I know there was no limit on tickets for your assembly, I'm just making the point that it won't always be possible to go anyway so it shouldn't be such a huge issue.

I have a stepdaughter so I am a step mum, and my sons dad has a partner who will one day be his step parent.
I attend sports days for sd and care for her at home but wouldn't dream of being expected to attend parents evening because dh can pass information back to me and it's not necessary at the end of the day.
My son has my ex's partner in his life who is amazing with him. She does loads of Mum things with him, in fact I think she does everything. I don't think my ex does much at all. I can't imagine her ever coming to a parents evening or a school assembly though. I think she too would probably do sports day if she had it off work, and she picks him up from school ect but she doesn't push herself into anything else.

You have to think about making your relationship work in the long term and why you are forcing these issues? Will you feel differently when you have children of your own? It sounds to me like a pick your battles scenario

Sometimes the place you want to take works out well and everyone is happy. Sometimes it's the place the father and/or the mum expect when the SM is not happy to be treated as if she is a parent by either.

Most of the time though it doesn't work. In your case, it's not just the mum who has an issue with it butcalso your oh even if he is not telling you directly because he knows how strongly you feel about it.

Sadly, you need accept that what you want is not what your DSS want from you and ultimately, when it comes to rights, they have many more than you when it comes to their child.

Give it time. He is still little and understandably his parents have a stronger sense of ownership over his life especially when you won't have been in his life as long. With time, their feeling of their ownership will reduce whilst your rights as a result of your investments will grow but all this will need to happen naturally rather than because of your belief that you are entitled to parental rights.

OP, ignore the above posts which claimed that you were unreasonable, you have a DP problem here though, rather than an ExW problem. If you DP heavily involves you in your DSS's daily life and education, he should acknowledge what you've done , invite you to school related activities, and manage his ExW appropriately.

My DH is the RP of my DSS. Other than taking care of him on a daily basis, I am responsible for his Maths/Science/second language/Music studies while DH is responsible for English/Literature and anything else. We split this way because we know what we are good at and also to share the workload. I would certainly be expected to go to the parent evenings, no way that I can mentor him effectively and efficiently without communicating with the respective teachers. If ExW is not comfortable going together, we will do double appointments. If she even complains about the double appointment, we will consider her being unreasonable and just ignore.

Absolutely irritates me that some ppl keep asking stepparent to step back because "we didn't ask you to be in our children's life". We, as the stepparent, also didn't ask to be in your children's life. Family split up, for various reasons, and the blended families need to find a way to move on and function as well, and that won't work by pushing stepparents into a dark corner.

Hmm..I get how you are feeling but I also get how your SS mum is feeling.
You are not the boys parent so let the "parents evenings" go...Also leave the "parenting" to his father and just have fun with the little lad- when it suits YOU.
Also if his mother needs cover and your partner expects you to do it - DON'T. Just don't. Not your responsibility.

So I’ve been in my DSS life for 9 years, he’s lived with us for a chunk of that... and also spent half the week at ours for the rest.
I’ve held his head whilst he’s been throwing up, he’s confided in me over personal things and I’ve got a great relationship with him.
I know all his friends really well, their parents. His friends know they are always welcome to come around whenever they fancy.
But I am not his mum... to be honest i think I’ve got the best of both worlds, he tells me things he wouldn’t dream of telling his mum and dad as it would be weird telling them as they are his parents.
I go to his footie matches, when he was primary I went to sports days and also assemblies around work.
But I don’t do parents evening and never have done. It’s not place and although I play a huge part in his life and support his education it’s for his mum and dad to go not me.
You need to find the balance, the happy place where it works and the relationship is balanced right.
I would t change my relationship with him for the world...-‘ and think I’ve got it just right.

As a seasoned step-mother I can give you my view.
Plays, sports activities etc. are fine to go to. Mum, dad + step parents
Parents evening, assemblies I would say the parents go, if for one reason the mother could not go then you can step in.

I would never step on the mothers shoes, in the end she is their mother and you need to know those boundaries The mother of my step children got sick an they came t live with us for a prolonged period of time, I stepped in more than..

Also if you so strongly believe in you being part of parental decisions you didn't do yourself any favours by refusing to meet with his mum and your oh. Why would you refuse that meeting yet be happy to meet with her only?

She was being reasonable suggesting a meeting first, yet you declined and still went to the assembly.

You are really not helping yourself demanding rights you don't have yet feeling no obligation to be party to discussions between parents.

Even if mum was ready to be flexible and put her feelings aside, I can see why she would now feel that you are being obstructive.

It's great for the child that you care about him a lot and want the best for him but the reality is you do not have parental responsibility (or parental rights) for the child.

Your DP and his Ex are the parents

You can support your DP in parenting by all means but he is the parent not you.

I am on year 6 of the the step parenting tight rope walking competition. Ours is sllightly different as we have DSS the majority of the time his mum does EOW - long story.

I would say that you are setting the scene this year for how your role will be now your DSS is in school.

If you are expected to be involved in his doing homework, spellings, school pick ups and other school related stuff then I see no issue as you as a step parent attending parents evening. I have been to some of DSS's and not to others.

Going to school assemblies, sports days, plays etc is a lovely thing to do and you DSS's mum is being a bit of a princess, you are showing love and care for him and have been in his life since he was a toddler.

Being low down on her list of people to call if he is ill etc - don't worry about it in my opinion that is up to her and as he gets older that may change.

If he is with you for 2/3 days a week you are going to be a big part of his life and by the sounds of it you love him and enjoy spending time with him there is nothing wrong with that. It is not like you told his mother she wasn't welcome at the assembly.

Wow - thanks for all of the feedback everyone. Appreciated.

Iwannaseehowitends- thank you -I don't agree it's just his dad that has him. I do too- if he wants to go out or do whatever- I am there. Because this is a team isn't it? I don't see it as donkey work either- i enjoy doing it - and she may not ask me to help childmind- but if I am there- why not just let me help out? I understand he is not 'mine' I just guess I'll never see the big deal is that I am here too. Thanks for your comments.

Blackcat- Hi! and thanks for your reply- interesting you say that the ex holds all the cards. Maybe it is more of a card game this whole thing. I never was good at cards.

Wishywashhy- thank you. Out of curiosity why not assemblies? Would you not be happy that your ex partner is there to support your son?

Hellohah thanks for almost making me cry- ha! Whilst I am NOT a mum- I can get why you would feel this way.This is how YOU feel and you can't change that. Maybe all our feelings are selfish in a way? I am not his Mum- I will never ever try to be- I just don't thinks these kind of assembly roles/parents evenings demonstrates you are the parent. It could be a guarding, carer, close family member. Thank you for your words. I think my worry is if we start a family (which we are talking about) I'd have to incorporate everything to make this work- and I just don't feel incorporated here.

Singlenotsingle - thanks for your feedback. I am not a 'wicked' sm and I am not trying to take the child over himself. I am someone that is trying my best- feel like I am giving an awful lot- to be closed out from the important things. Whether we have children or not in the future this won't really matter. There should be a middle ground for step parenting. We aren't all out there to replace someone. And who feels that they are being replaced? Is that an unreasonable feeling? Probably not.

Just muddling- Yes- I did.

Giant Banger- I don't get it- you are right. Don't call us a step-parent.

Only happens when it rains- I don't feel he wants me to be a replacement Mum. He wants me involved, he doesnt want me to be out and about when we have him- he wants me present. I just feel it's all in pockets that suits him. When I dropped DSS off to the childminder and she said she could not take him that day for whatever reason- I said cool - I thought I could work from home- DP was an hour or so away I know his ex works about 45 mins away - so I just thought I could do it. Instead I had to hang around for 20 minutes while everyone else had conversations in the background and then I got a call saying take him wherever the Nan will get him soon. I just think

THIS IS LIFE NOW seriously - let it be. I shouldn't this far down the pecking order.

Why does he have to be MY child? i love him- I support him - that's it. I care about assemblies etc because I care about him. I am interested. This is what people do when they care about people- support each other. Education is an important part of his life- and I guess I just expected it. It's clear from the thread my expectations are all out.

Oh really -You didn't choose- yes- understood. But it's a reality- we all wind up doing things in life that we may not have wanted, or things don't pan out how we expect them to. I am not asking to be answered to by the ex. Your situation does not sound easy- and based on what your situation is - it does not sound fair, if there are two slots only- they should be yours and your ex. This should not have to be an argument - it's life. Other people exist, families separate and at the heart of it all should be the kid - not what we all feel for whatever the reason is.

New levels of tiredness – your post – I just got. You get it. Thank you so much for your words these meant so much to me.
Life in pieces- THIS IS IT! This is just it. I do think this is it- it’s a him thing.
Swing of things- I am not refusing to meet his Mum – I offered that- just US. It wasn’t an option “Why would I want to do that?” I got.

We don’t live in this world where everything is the 2.4 family – great if it is- but if it’s not always that way. Things change – and step-parents- we have a role.

Is there a step-mum net anywhere?

There’s a lot of views from PARENTS. How they feel. It’s not all about them. It’s about a group of people that care for someone.

If my DH and I do ever have a child- I know I’ll I corporate DSS fully. I feel I have given 100% for not the same in return.

Perhaps I am feeling hard done by.

But to reiterate this isn’t about being a Mum or taking over.

Whether it’s biological or not - you earn a right to be part of something. Whether you’re guardians, adoptive parents, foster parents.

I expect more support from my partner in this space and more consideration.

I am from split parents myself where my SM was the other woman. Whilst she wasn’t hands on and took more of a back seat I’ve made sure she was involved throughout.

That’s my dads partner. I love my dad and she’s my family too. I’ve made her feel that way throughout and that will never change.

She exists. Despite if my mum didn’t like her- I get it- but the world keeps turning.

PS these acronymns. I am useless at them- I need to read up on what it all means. If anyone uses OMG I understand that one :-)

But it is taking over to turn up to parent's night when you're not the actual parent.

My kids have a step mum - well their dad's partner - and my view is that parent's night is for me and their dad, as their biological parents, to go along. If he wants her to know what's going on, he can either make a separate appointment and take her, or tell her. I am not going to go and sit there with her there, she's not the parent.

You are not being unreasonable. You are being used as the unpaid nanny by your partner.

Good enough to do the work but not good enough for any recognition.

Remember that as a step mother you will always be in the wrong.