A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

You sound lovely OP. I'm sure you have noticed that many posters (including new levels of tiredness, whose post resonated so much with you) have made a distinction in regards to parents' evening.

I agree with this. I think you should be able to go to assembly and sports matches and stuff, but the parents should go to parents' evening. Ideally together.

ps OP = opening/ original poster 😀

Also
Mum and dad not feeling comfortable with you being at parents evening or a child's assembly is just that.

It doesn't mean that you are under appreciated or that they don't respect you or thank you enough for everything that you do.
It doesn't necessarily mean that the mum doesn't want you in the child's life or that there's any jealousy.
It doesn't mean that they are not massively thankful for you and for your role in their family and their child's life.

It might mean that for some parents.
But my exes partner is absolutely fantastic with my son. She genuinely loves him to pieces and i genuinely feel so much better just knowing she's there. She's a nurse so works shifts and I hate when she's working the weekend when my sons there because I know he will be missing out on having another mum with him that weekend.
I make sure on Mother's Day that she is made a big fuss of and has presents and a card that says thank you for all the Mum things you do with me. I don't let on much all than that and the odd txt but I absolutely adore that that woman loves my child just like I do.

However! If I read this post from her, I'd think she was way overstepping!! It's the sense of entitlement regardless of how the parents are actually managing between them and making it all about your feelings. It's not all about your feelings. It's about you as a small piece in a big puzzle but there are other pieces that have been there an awful lot longer than you and have been parenting before you were there. Yabu to be offended by the fact that you aren't considered a parent because the black and white of it is that you're not and you can't push that on a family.

I would personally have no issue with you going to Christmas concert, sports day, assemblies, that sort of stuff. But, to me, parent's night is different.

I'd take my parents to sports day, assemblies, carol concert, but parents' night is for the actual parents of the child.

Hi Giant Banger- I wouldn't expect the three of us there. I'd expect us to go to one together and her another.

Again- different views- you are a parent- I am not. I definitely don't think it's taking over. Am i taking over for school drop offs? cooking dinner? reading, playing? no - of course it's not. I am part of it.

I am not asking to be contacted if there is an emergency- I am not asking to be put on mailing lists.

personally I wouldn't ask a step parent / partner to be involved in school drop offs or homework unless an emergency.

Cooking, no issue, because they would be cooking anyway.

if you don't think it's taking over, what did you ask for?

You say you love your DS and that alone should give you right but it doesn't. As its been pointed out you don't have parental responsibility. If your oh were to decide to separate you'd have no right whatsover and could disappear from your SS life just like that.

As a mum my biggest worry with your over-involvement is that it would change drastically if/when you had a child of your own because even though you can't see it, you are wanting to act as a parent towards this child and you could feel very differently if you had one of your own.

I strongly disagree that it is a partnership. I really don't get why a father would insist - rightly so- on having their child more than eow to them pass on the parenting responsibility. Why can't they take on the duties of cooking, doing homework, bathing, bedtime reading etc... just like mums do when the child is under their care? Why do they need help being the parent they are and pass on the roles to someone who isn't a parent?

@Justcallmestep you say that you expect one parents appointment and for ex to go to another.
Many teachers are under enough pressure. Lots of children have separated parents and step parents.
Lots of parents have genuine reasons that they need separate appointments. Restraining orders and domestic violence for example. It's unreasonable to expect double appointments for each child that has a step parent when the parents are able to go together.
Is this not all things you discussed before you married him?

Giantbanger,

Why not with homework & school runs? Do you not think it's good for the children to witness parenting teamwork (which is not an option with their actual parents at this stage?)

If my girlfriend genuinely had to rush around doing all of this we'd have a less relaxed and happy home. I genuinely, truly cannot see how the children would benefit from it.

I do get that it must be hard for a mum by the way. And I know it's easy to say from where I stand but the girl's bond with their mum is so strong and unshakable that no partner of their dad's could threaten it. They could love the stepmum, they could get giddy with excitement at seeing her, and it would take nothing from their bond with their mum. It's just too strong. Kids are good at love I think.

We, as the stepparent also didn't ask to be in your children's life

What a ridiculous thing to say!
Of course a step parent has the choice as to whether or not they want to be involved with someone who has dc's from a previous relationship.
They can quite easily walk away if they wish to. Children on the other hand, have NO such choice, none.

OP, I also think you're trying to overstep the mark with regards to parents evening, and I too think you really should back off.

You won't agree to meeting, with your DP present. You would rather attend parents night at a different appointment to his ex. Are you trying to keep them apart? Does the thought of them spending time together threaten you?

From my point of view, homework and school responsibility lies with the parents.

I wouldn't want a step parent taking on that role.

Just my view

There’s a lot of emotion here. DSS does ask where I am during these times. The choice you’re saying I have - walk away? Could I say you have one? Like if or lump it? The choice is my partners I have to respect it. I’d he wanted me there i would be there regardless of what the mum thought. My priority is my partner and step son.

We learn from many people in life giant bAnger. Not just parents. I respect your view abc thanks x

You just say - or your partner says - that only his mummy and daddy go to x event? No biggie.

Where do you get that I'm saying that we don't learn from lots of people?

Pearsofwisdom- I’m starting to see that. Wow. I know for sure if I stepped back from anything I do now and left them to their own devices that wouldn’t be ok. Not at all.

@Onlyhappywhenitrains1 it makes me incredibly sad that this is the case but I also understand that DSS and his mum's situation is not great and she is fairly regularly in need of DHs support. Of course ideally this wouldn't be the case but I understand that her situation directly impacts DSS. DD is first on my list and that's ok because her father has to be spread more thinly. Sadly that's what happens when he has effectively has 2 families he's invested in. That doesn't mean there isn't infinite love for both children but there are only so many hours in the day. DD is not even 3 months so no she's not too fussed. Of course in time these priorities will need to shift but DSS will be substantially older by then and building his own life. That is the nature of more complex family structures these days. We can pretend that people have equal priorities or we can be realistic that often 2nd wives get a bit of raw deal as their husband is split or at least the good ones are that don't just abandon their first family.

Thanks George the hippo (never thought I’d write that). And thank god you said OP. I thought it was other person - don’t put anyone else in this equation please! And maybe it’s where I help him out so much with his issues which I feel unreasonable that I am just put out by it. Some of this has been hard to read and some are more constructive than others. I guess until you’re in something you never truly know how you will deal with it.thank you!

It sounds like you love your stepson very much but I think that you are unreasonable for not working with your h and the mum. She was very reasonable to want to chat about the roles and responsibilities as it sounds like you and them (your h and ex) have very different ideas of what your role as a step parent should be. I'm not saying that you should always pander to the ex but it is in your ss 's interests if you work with the parents rather than against them. By backing off you may find yourself trusted as emergency childcare etc as you come across as very pushy in this post.

Parents Evening is for parents and you should ask your h about what is said rather than attend. If you want to attend because you are the one supervising homework then I suggest that you swap with your h so you don't feel resentful.

Explain your absence at assemblies by explaining it's for parents only.

Why did you want coffee just the 2 of you and not as a 3?

OP you want to be more involved.

But you weren’t prepared to have a round table coffee with the biological parents.

It’s not brain science. You shot yourself in the foot

@Justcallmestep it's 100% a game of cards and they tend to be held by the predominant resident parent. The mother of your DSS sounds like a fairly reasonable woman but these situations can change and she could start to make things difficult so it's just better to try and keep her on side. Eat a bit of humble pie and it'll pay off in the long run.

I wouldn't expect the three of us there. I'd expect us to go to one together and her another

The last parent’s evening I did, I was in school at 7am and I left at 9:20pm and I work in a school that refuses 2 appointments per child. . If you are seriously suggesting teachers should take into account the feelings of step parents and go through the same thing twice, up to maybe 15 times out of a class of 30 (so that’s 45 appointments instead of 30), you have a massively overinflated sense of just how important you are. We do not have time to play to these kind of whims. The clue is in the bloody title - parent’s evening.

GiantB From where you mentioned homework responsibilities and all of that. If the three days he’s here and has homework - i wouldnt see it as a parent only role. Nans, aunts, whoever should be able to help out with that if the situation arises. That should be cool. Childminders educate kids in their care- does that mean parents should have their kids and not work and do it all? No. Of course not.

f you DP heavily involves you in your DSS's daily life and education, he should acknowledge what you've done , invite you to school related activities, and manage his ExW appropriately

No. My ex doesn’t get to ‘manage’ me. He can bring his partner to anything he wants, I can’t stop him. But he can’t then expect a half decent co-parenting relationship if he’s going to ride rough-shod all over how I might feel about it. Equally, I work very strongly on the premise that I am allowed to do whatever he does and he knows that he wouldn’t accept a new partner of mine demanding an appointment at parent’s evening. So for us, it kind of works.