A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

But why isn’t the parent checking the homework?

In my kids school parents have to sign off on homework and it can’t be done by anyone else. (I assume if fostered then a foster parent can for eg. But we were clearly told it had to be signed off by a person with parental responsibility which you don’t have)

Nans, aunts, whoever should be able to help out with that if the situation arises

They do ‘t expect to attend parent’s evenings, do they?

Oh really- I certainly don’t have an overinflated sense of how important I am. I find that quite offensive. You don’t have to be a parent. Some people are not biological parents and Take on parenting roles in so many different capacities.

*@Justcallmestep
*
Wishywashhy- thank you. Out of curiosity why not assemblies? Would you not be happy that your ex partner is there to support your son?

I wasn't referring to my exh being there to support our children, we attend most things together if he can get out of work.
Personally I'd be indifferent if she attended as well, like I said we get on well enough, but she's never felt the need to. I think she grasps the fact that while she's involved in their lives she is not their parent and takes a step back at the appropriate times. I know my kids would find it weird her being there even though they spend 40% of their time at their house 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can I have a nap- that’s wonderful that you recognise her. Testament to you.
Black cat- I’m gonna fold!!

Your DSS has two parents - your DH and his mum. You actually have no responsibility to parent the child in any way shape or form and if they want a ‘pick and mix’ approach to parenting, I think you should quite firmly suggest that if you don’t get to be involved in the good bits you shouldn’t be involved at all (even as childcare). Let your DH and his ex sort everything out.

Just do you have children of your own?

My ds sm seemed to think it was ok to attend parent evenings etc I let her get on with because I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle but utilmately what had been happening is ds was becoming resentful towards his SM, he’s 10 and she’s been around since the age of 2, it got to the point whereby ds was feeling she was trying to replace me as his mother telling him what to wear, what clothes to pick out etc whilst his df didn’t do any parenting. Things came to a head about two months ago and I had to have a chat with ds df. They all had a sit down and basically ds said he was sick of his Sm trying to be his mother and was very over bearing to the point he hated her, his father didn’t parent and when he did she undermined him, he also asked her to stop going to parent evenings and open days for senior schools as he wanted both his parents there. Btw ds has no issues with my dh been in his life since 2 but he knows his boundaries and when to take a step back and let his df and me get on with things. Don’t create issues op that don’t need to be there.

Its nice you want to be so involved with your SS but its as if you are trying to stop them from co-parenting effectively. My ex has a partner, shes lovely, our DD loves her but we are DD's parents which means we attend parents evening, school assemblies, special events and we do so together because, even when we want to murder each other, we are her parents and are united in our support of her.
Why would you not meet her with your partner there? That is very odd?

I personally don't like the term step parent. You are not the child's parent, you are an adult who happens to be in their life in the role of a carer.

I think some men expect new partners to do too much parenting when it should be their job. In all my years with my DP I've never done bathtime, dressing, homework, childcare or expected to be included in school activities. I do feed them, wash clothes that are at/left at our house, been a confidant, tried to make the time they spend with their Dad happy but they don't need another mum they already have a perfectly good one.

I do however completely understand where you're coming from, good enough for the day to day shit but not for nice stuff where it might just possibly be acknowledged how much input you have?. That's the step parent world and I think it's probably harder for women, especially if they take on too much of the parent role. It is not easy and it is often not fair, but that's how it is and you may take time to come to terms with that, it certainly took me a good long time!

Hey josie. I think I have aimed for this from the the stages we knew we were serious and was always kept at arms length. We created a structure - things just panned out and it worked for us all. Until we all had to come together. Perhaps it was an issue on my part? I felt it should have happened sooner not 3.5 years in. And that’s a me thing.

Snapped- that’s not great. I don’t feel I have that with my situation. He knows who each of us are. He loves his mummy dearly and I’ll always ensure any conversation is welcomed to do with her.

I’m realising how sensitive parents evening is here. Assemblies etc- that shouldn’t be such a drama. Giant banger - I don’t have kids. And like I’ve mentioned until someone is in something I guess you’ll never know how you feel. It’s dealing / accepting whatever you want to call it.

None of this may have been Necessary if you had agreed to the meeting. You seem to have high expectations with no room for compromise in how you think things should happen.

Parents going together to parents evening is important where possible, if there are issues to discuss its best they are done all together.

You insisting on separate meetings would be detrimental to dss unnecessarily.

What pissed me off is that the ex brings her new partner to these type of things but didn't want me as dp partner involved - and we live together, have a baby and are getting married but they don't even cohabit. Sorry but some exs want it their own way.
That being said I wouldn't go to parents evenings but I would go to plays etc. Parents evenings are for parents but plays and sports days are just fun events so I'd expect to go but parents evenings to me is different. I'd look at disengaging tbh - it's what I ahve done. Dp dosnt like it but ultimately if I don't get a say then that's fine and his/ex's choice and it's fine but they don't get to ask me.for favours either as I'm.not a free babysitter.

Happystep1 I know what you mean. I’d never refer to myself as that day to day - although what the hell are we?

Perhaps I should do what you do- that won’t come without its challenges from my DP though - I know it won’t. But it’s clear we can’t have it all ways.

Spangly princess - oh this will be a fun conversation. I am getting the parents evening thing.

I think I have more of a bigger issue when he has a problem or issue for something that matters to him and I just go with his feelings.

Thank you and I hope your situation works out for you.

It might not be a issue now but could be in the future. It’s respecting the parents and understanding boundaries op which you don’t seem prepared to do and will only cause problems in the long run.

you're not being unreasonable, your dp is.

he wants it both ways. the ex is really irrelevant here.

he a) wants your life to revolve around his child, for you not to make plans when his child is there, for you to parent him when he is with you

but he b) doesn't want you involved in anything official, wont stand up to his ex when really he could.

honestly i'd take a massive step back, forget the parents evenings, assemblys etc and let your dickhead partner parent his own kid, along with his ex wife. just don't get involved.

By all means be a friendly adult to his son when he is in your company, but don't cancel your plans just because his son is there, and don't do anything only a "parent" would do ie making his tea, washing his clothes, let his dad parent him.
Your dp will hopefully realise that he cant have it both ways.

Hi lunar - believe me early on I’ve tried to compromise.

I think it’s bigger than that- there’s a lot of expectation on my part. I compromise daily. I do. I have started to realise about parents evening.

However I do have expectations - I didn’t feel they were high. Just basic. Thank you.

but you have no parental responsibility and no right to be there unless the ex invites you

sorry but this is utter bollocks, when the child is with his dad its up to the dad who's around and what role they play, the ex wife doesn't determine everything surrounding the childs life just because she is a woman.

Flamingo was I meant to see the dick head part? that’s how I feel it has to be both ways. I’m going to have the conversation later and just step back. He will be happy - I won’t feel so- I don’t even know what the word is...

Thank you

Flamingo yep. If he wants me there fine- and at that assembly I just wanted him to step in and help me out. It is what it is. Get me a cocktail.

Snapped I have never once said I’m not prepared to do it. I’m saying it’s hard how there isnall this expectation day to day and when it comes to school - see ya.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I agree with you that each family will need to find a way that works for both sides, which may or may not involve certain compromises from both sides too, and of course it will be an equal relationship too. When I say "manage", I mean, just use a simple example of the parent evening. If the dad decides that it will be helpful for his partner, whom heavily involves in the child's daily education, to go to the appointment, informs the mum, asks her opinion whether she is ok to attend at the same time or whether it's better to book separate appointments, and acknowledges that the mum can do the same. it means managing the situation, managing the expectation, making sure there will be no drama in the school, in front of the teacher or the child, not trying to "control" the other side.

We do not have time to play to these kind of whims. The clue is in the bloody title - parent’s evening

what a kind and understanding teacher you must be!

you were step! he's treating you like shit and sometimes you need someone else to point it out before you realise.