A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

I agree with flamingo. You need to stop babysitting your Ss while his father goes out. He only has the child 2-3 days a week, he has plenty other nights to go out .

Also make sure his dad takes and collects him from the child minders, does homework and makes dinner. You can be fun Step mom who watches movies with him while his father does the dishes.

Stop doing parenting stuff and become all about fun.

Your stepsons mum is not asking/relying on you for childcare. She is sending her son to his dads house to have quality time with him.
Its your dp who is actually expecting you to care for him.
Your dp is the problem not the ex.
In the nicest way if you a dp split (I hope not of course) you will no longer have any input in his life whatsoever. Thats why only mum and dad should take the lead with most things like parents night as the will always be involved with. Plus teachers would have double the work seeing all the separated parents at different times.

Agree with flamingo.

Honestly op for your sanity just stop. Just be a friend, I have now and it's better. I don't cook, clean or wash for step kids now. Dp isn't happy but his choice, I either get a full say or not. No full say equals no parenting. Easy. I do fun stuff I want to do like pumpkin carving or buying advent clanders but parenting is now solely dp problem due to his behaviour. I tell him my plans if kids are here but don't ask, as I'm not their babysitter.

OP, when he is with his Dad, you fell into the ‘Mum’ role. Feeding, washing, dressing, homework, care, what every parent does. Your partner likes that, it’s less work for him. He wants you home, looking after him and the house. And you want that too, you think that’s what should happen, naturally.

Don’t confuse coming second after the children with being there for his convenience.
I get it, you are a team, in it together. But your partner is the parent, not you. What often happens is the dad finds looking after the child quite hard work and brings in a woman to do the ‘wifework’.
Nothing wrong with that if that’s what floats your boat. But you’ve been allocated a ‘place’, below himself and below his child. Again, fine, if that’s what you want.
But I don’t think it is.
Because you’re saying: I do everything, I should be involved in everything. Which is normal, right and justified.
Now, women don’t get rid of perfectly good men. There is a reason why their marriage didn’t work. Your partner wants you home, being a mother for his child when he wants it, how he wants it.
The problem isn’t that you want to go to parent’s evening, the problem is that you get to do what he wants, when he wants.

Sounds cruel, but you are not that child’s mother. You’re investing way too much. And at the end, it’ll all be your fault anyway.
I would step waaaay back and leave them to it.

Nans and aunts might help with honework but they don't demand to attend parents evenings. What is best for a child is to have both their parents together at parents evening so they can agree how to support their child in the same way whichever home they're at. Both parents can then discuss this with the SP. SP can then decide how much they want to get involved with zero involvement required if they are not happy they don't get to be party to school matters.

What would do if your SS needed surgery? Insist that you go because you currently give him medication when he is poorly and then demand that your oh only goes there with you and not his mum.

I too am starting to wonder if there are some insecurities with your oh being with his ex alone.

On a side not my step daughter was in hospital and begged me to go and I had to say no as it wasn't appropriate or wnated. Hardest thing I've ever done as she was upset. Tbh in that situation I wanted to go as it was what she wanted to happen but I didn't

Why not spangly?

FWIW, I think you have overstepped the mark here a bit, but it is a minefield.

1. Why did you refuse the roundtable with the mother? She's clearly both reasonable and open to a dialogue and prepared to work with you. Do you have any idea of how much some of us on here would love to have EW's that open?
2. Boundaries - you need them. I have supported my DP in 121 meetings with key members of school staff but not once have I attended an assembly/ play/ parents evening - it's not remotely close to my business IMO. (Personally I don't understand why anyone would choose to attend these voluntarily anyways)
3. You have a DP problem. He wants what he wants. He has zero right to have a problem with you making plans when your SS is there. Your SS is HIS responsibility, not yours (in the nicest possible way). He wants all of this unending support behind the scenes, but isn't prepared to take a stand with his EW. THAT is where your problem lies. Dont let him have his cake and eat it.

@Rockandrolling easy to say that stepparent can walk away a perfectly fine relationship simply because the other half have children from previous relationships. No relationship is guaranteed to last for life, once ppl reach a certain age, good luck to find a companion with zero baggage.

Unfortunately when ppl say "we didn't ask you to be in our children's life", very often they are not talking on behalf of their children, they are talking on behalf of themselves. A lot of step parents got blocked out of activities, not because their involvement is bad for the kids, it's because the other parent is worried about "losing face" in front of the teacher, other school parents, or "being replaced".

8 fencing- and perhaps it is just that. I couldn't just go "I'm off out doing this" 3 times a week if I wanted as he would say it's important I am involved.

Swing of things- I am not demanding I go. I asked if it was unreasonable as an expectation. I haven't been to parents evening for a year. I was trying to articulate that i feel there is an expectation on me to be here there and everywhere when needed- and that's cool with me - I just thought I would get that naturally in return.

There is no insecurities with the ex. None at all. We are 3.5 years in - she's actually very nice. I am not saying I don't have an insecurity- I think perhaps it's more around the fact of not feeling included.

You'll always get the people that say "Oh there's a jealousy thing" sometimes this happens. I understand.

If it was an emergency- the mum and dad- of course.

you too are starting to wonder? I have must have missed a post somewhere so many.

This could work either way - Mums are insecure that their role is being taken over- all that stuff.

This isn't our situation - or I'd just say. I clearly didnt articulate myself well in the first place.

I have never demanded, nor would I demand- I just asked if it was unreasonable to expect that in return.

Why wouldn't you meet her along with your partner? Why insist on just the two of you?

Too sassy- Hindsight - I probably should have. I was miffed that I had been wanting this for 3 years and when they were ready- oh ok let it happen.

Re boundaries- each to their own I guess. I think it's lovely seeing him in nativity or whatever.

because I just felt we should be able to chat between us - it felt so formal. At the start of the relationship I could get it- I didnt at the time @ twisted stitch

It’s obviously bothering her if there’s no other issues why make one? Min regards to nativities we only get two tickets per child so I give one to ex and I keep one. The main thing is that both parents are in attendance.

Hey snapped- i am not making one. I merely sought advice.

Spangly - you should have absolutely gone...!

No, spangly absolutely should not have gone to the hospital where there are rules about how many people to a bed and both parents are stressed and upset at seeing their child so unwell. I can just see it now, a mother having to step away from her sick child so the step mother gets a go. Jesus fucking wept.

Very weird again that it's considered inappropriate for stepparent to go to the hospital......
Understood that there are rules around how many to a bed, and agree that it will be massively inappropriate if the stepparent insists to be there and tries to squeeze the mum out. But come on, if the kid needs to stay in the hospital for an extended time of period and when he/she is not in critical surgery, nobody expects both parents to be there 24/7, and of course the stepparent can go to visit and offer support, especially if the kid has voiced his/her opinion. Even other relatives and the kid's classmates can go, why not the stepparent?

Hi OP I do feel you, the balance is hard to strike. I am a SM to 2DSDs. Been with my DP over 4 years.

I am hands on, I do schools runs, I look after them just me regularly when my DP is working and they are with us 50/50.

I have never been to a parents evening or an assembly or a school play. Nor have I ever had the inclination, that doesn't mean I'm not interested and always keen to ask DP how it all went when he gets back. As mum will be at these events and they are for parents, then unless you knew the mum wanted you there then I wouldn't. Same for my DP, my DD lives with us both full time, my DD doesn't see her Dad, my DP very hands on with her, he never comes with me to school events.

A few things I would say from your post however are:

1. You need to prioritise yourself a bit more, and I could do with practising what I preach on this too, because its easier said than done. I work full time Mon-Fri and the weekend is for DSDs and my DD and planning activities etc. But if you have something you want to do or an event then you need to just go and DP needs to but his big boy pants on and hold the fort whilst you do. If he has a problem with this then he is a prat.

1. You should not be doing everything for your DP and SC. They are his responsibility, and encouraging him to do more shouldn't be a bad thing. As a SM I think we so desperately don't want to be painted as the 'evil SM' that we can go into overdrive to try and show how super duper we are and this can sometimes mean doing way to much when their parent should be doing it.

Being a SM is tough, you often put in as much time and energy as a parent and don't always get a pat on the back for this. You often can't do right for wrong, you step on people's toes or overstep boundaries when you had no intention of doing so. The greatest reward though is the kids and knowing that they like having you around and feel safe with you and trust you.

You said no to meeting her because it was strange to do so after 3 1/2 year but then went and offer yourself to meet with her on one to one. That is very odd behaviour.

Your OH is cross with you but you chose to ignore his wishes yet throw your toy out the pram because you don't get to attend an event that is for parents.

I think it is so sad that the two people who should have enjoyed themselves most at the assembly were stressed and annoyed instead just so that you could be happy and yet you still think you have your sa best interests at heart!

I can just see it now, a mother having to step away from her sick child so the step mother gets a go. Jesus fucking wept

ah yes because that is exactly what would happen. The child wanted their step parent there, so you would rather keep the mother happy then give a sick child what they want?

jesus fucking wept, indeed.

Flamingofridays I can assure you some people are that selfish. not a step mum but a member of my ex's family I was n/c with turned up when my DS was in intensive care after an emergency and tried to demand I be ejected to let her in. So I can quite believe it happens.

(She caused such a scene - and yet she got to see him 2 days later when I left the ward to allow her to see him - due to numbers round beds and the fact that I didn't want to be in the same space as her)

yes I am sure some people are. That situation is different though if the child had not requested to see that family member.

the fact is this child WANTED their step parent there. would you deny them that because you didn't want the person there?

I wouldn't.

no flamingo I wouldn't but that's because I put my kids first, unlike my ex.