A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

But equally, the reason that there are so many parents who 'fail' to single parent EOW is because it is a choice they have made. A choice to not martyr themselves to the altar of single parenthood. A relationship has ended and they've met someone new who they love and want to build a life with. And they want to make it work somehow. What is it the fathers partner is meant to do EOW? Disappear? Move out for 2/3 nights?

Sassy I think you miss understood what I meant to convey. I'm not talking about separated parents staying single all their lives and never introducing children to another partner. I'm not talking about displacing their role as a parent to someone else, ie. letting the new partner making decision on how the values and principles he should install in his kids when these are different to the ones he was happy to share with his children.

I fully agree about children not be in the possession of parents but when I read a post that says that the SM has to take over the disciplining of their SCs because the parents are giving none, isn't tit exactly this, treating these children as possessions? If they are not the possessions of the parents, they are most certainly not the possession of the step parents when these feel their duty to impose new educational principles on these kids.

This thread has got my attention but it is one where the father and mother seem to be on the same level when it comes to education, yet its the SPs who wants something different and is not happy that her oh doesn't agree with her. Yet OP is insisting that they should go with her demands because she should have rights as a SM. How isn't this the biggest sense of entitlement over a child that is not hers and who could at any time not be part of her life any longer ?

We fall in love with people for a number of reasons but some things mean that we would never commit to them. I wouldn't commit to a man who couldn't budget properly and was happy to live with huge debts. I couldn't share my life with someone who hated travelling or had no interest in a healthy lifestyle. I would get into a relationship thinking that I could change such a man, I would just move on. Attitude to principles when it comes to raising children is just the same.

There are some people who are capable of change

We are all capable of change and I would expect we all do but we do it through our own learning, not because someone tell us we do things badly and they know better.

It's easy to say that we don't have an issue with the changes that take place when our children are with the other parent when these change don't seem to impact on the children in a negative way. It's another matter when it does.

Would any mum here be fine if they had agreed from the birth of their first kids that they would never smack their kids because they didn't believe in it, but then the ex decides that smacking is the right thing to do because their new partner strongly believe that it is the right way to parent? Even if the kids come back to you upset about it, seeming to have become withdrawn. Would you insist they went everytime even though they begged you not to?

This is an extreme example but the principle is the same. When you see an ex drastically changing their approach to discipline suddenly, it's hard to believe that it is through learning rather than agreeing to please the new partner.

By the way this is not projecting as I am very fortunate that my ex's partner has never expected my ex to change his views on raising our children and has always been happy to let him be their dad without her feeling she needed to share the role.

Bananas said that her ex only chooses a low quality of women, but she went out with him too. It seems that a lot of women have this view point which cause an instance dislike and entailment over the new women

It was me. Nice dig. But here’s the thing. I didn’t accept being cheated on. I would never knowingly accept a man who refused to financially support his children. I would never move in with a man within days of meeting him and before I had met his children. I wouldn’t k owingly take a ticket to a school event where only two are issued per family cutting out the ex. I wouldn’t call the ex names such as ‘fucking slag’ and ‘that bitch of a gold digger’ in front of my partner’s children. And nor would I make my child a drink with the other children in the room but not even ask them if they wanted one. I don’t not work and brag in front of my partner’s children what am amazing mother I am because ‘unlike your mum, I care about my son and pick him up after school. He will never need to go to after school club because I love him and want to care for him’

I do ‘t Dislike my ex’s partner. She fell for his shite just like I did but fortunately for me, my self esteem was higher and I got rid when it became clear just who he is. I never stood by whilst he slagged off other people unnecessarily and challenged his poor behaviour general,y because I loved him and wanted him to be decent, someone I could be proud to be with. I am also a dream of an ex. Contact is regular and uninterrupted. I never make a fuss over the lack of maintenance. I have only had text contact with my ex twice in the last 6 weeks. But somehow that makes me the subject of ridicule and abuse in front of my children.

So yes, my children’s step mum is ‘low quality’ and I make no apologies for saying so. I am not ‘low quality’ by virtue of having been married to the same man. I made better choices for myself and my children and am personally free even if my children may never quite achieve that.

swing that is a nightmare scenario. No I would not be ok with that and no I would absolutely not send my children to a place I knew they were being hit. No

@Pinkginny

Your post on 6/11 at 19:29 was spot on.

What they are saying is that the SM (for arguments sake) shouldn't then assume that those very basic, human and natural actions suddenly earn them some pseudo-parental role in that children life, they don't suddenly gain 'rights' as a consequence of baking a good fairy cake (to be flippant); and they certainly shouldn't expect gratitude, thanks or consideration from the mother of that child. Do it because you want to, because it is who you are but there should be no expectations on the back of it

All that and the rest.

Regarding @swingofthings last post about the stepparent not 'deciding' the parenting...

Been living with my girlfriend and her lovely girls for two years now. Very close to the girls, it's all great. Our thoughts on parenting are probably 98% in sync - to the point where I can't think of any specific differences. I just remember now and again thinking I might have handled a situation slightly differently.

But for all the reasons swing says, I leave it and just back her up.

Now daughter no#3 is on the way and obviously this one is mine. And I'm wondering if it's worth now speaking up on those 2% of occasions where I feel differently or if the general household vibe is better if all three girls are getting the same.

It's minor stuff, so hardly like I'd be worried about her upbringing anyway. Her big sisters are lovely girls so clearly mum has been doing just fine without my opinions! I suppose it's just that I have done the "wait, you're a stepparent only, bite yer tongue and move on" on the very odd occasion and now I'm aware I won 't have to for my daughter but can't work if I'd just be being petty if I didn't carry rolling along with the status quo?

NewLevelsOfTiredness, if you only disagree 2% of the time, you are doing amazingly well. No couple is going to agree 100% and its inevitable some compromise has to be made.

Even with my strong opinions on the matter, I take into account my OH views when we differ. Just recently we've gone away and whereas I would have been happy for my 16yo to stay home alone with friends just checking on him, my OH wasn't so I arrange for people to stay over. Similarly, I know that he wouldn't be comfortable with my 19yo boyfriend to stay overnight although I'd be OK with it so I told her that at least for the time being, it wasn't possible.

However, when it comes to things like how long they are on the xbox, what time they have to be home when out at night, when they should look for a pt job whilst still studying for instance, although I will listen to his views, the decision is ultimately mine because these things are about education and don't impact him directly.

In fairness swing they're younger kids, so the 2% might grow a little in the teenage years!

although I will listen to his views - maybe that's why it's working. I might not make these decisions but she has asked for my input quite a few times. It keeps the boundary in place while still making my contribution feel recognised and appreciated.

I imagine, if we dug down to the roots, that the OP and other SMs would find the whole thing easier, including the boundaries, if that sentiment of appreciation was present and well-communicated by their partners.

@Bananasinpyjamas11

You mentioned the person who couldn't parent was the ExW, but when the difficult child came to live with her dad.... you were left to parent her while he was working long hours.

So it seems neither parent was looking after her really. He left it to you and you said you didnt need to parent another child, as you already had one with SN.

I know you'll want to defend him here..but it's slinging like he could not have taken his DD to live with him, if you weren't there.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

Good to hear from a man on here. As she's expecting your child, you should be able to state your views.

I think the key is in how you do it and express why you'd do it differently. Not a case of my way is better than yours, even if you think it is. So...it wouldn't be petty IMO.

Totally agree NewLevelsOfTiredness But I think it comes down to the balance of how much a parent passes on their responsibility and how much the partner then expect appreciation which often comes as rights hence the discussion here.

I hope I show appreciation to my OH that I do take into account his views. As a matter of fact we had a discussion recently about what ds should do after his GCSEs and even though I'm quite au fait with it all whilst oh isn't at all, he came up with a suggestion that I hadn't thought about which made a lot of sense.

However, his input all in all has always been limited. He doesn't cook for them, doesn't clean their clothes, clear up after them, arrange childcare and the times I've gone out and he's look after them, I've always asked him if it was OK.

What I read here is what seems confusion with roles vs rights, with parents all too happy to let their partner take on the roles, partners much too keen to do it to show their commitment to them and the kids, parents assuming they do so with no expectation of appreciation for it because they were happy to take on these roles and partner growing resentful for the lack of appreciation through entitlement of being involved in parenting.

My OH settled together pretty quickly ie. 18 months after he met the kids when we had long discussed all this, I made it clear I wasn't looking for a replacement dad for my kids and was happy to continue to take on the full responsibility and agreed that he too wasn't interested in being a dad and pick up responsibilities. Still the adjustment took quite some time.

I can imagine how conflicting it becomes when the boundaries are not clear from the start especially when couples move in together after only a few months at a time when you are still testing commitment and security in the relationship.

@ohreallyohreallyoh
I wasn't making a dig.
I was stating that not every new partner is awful because they are with your ex especially when most the time you only here bits and bobs about them and only meet them/ communication when emotions are high.
And that works with ex w as well.
Your situation does some terrible and extremely frustrating.
My dp ex got a awful text from me, because she spent the day slagging off my pregnancy news to my dp dm requesting I have a termination or he wasn't seeing the dc, I was with me df going through his chemo and then she was looking at my social media ( she accidentally only like a picture) I had enough and would of looked nasty.
Though up until that point I had stayed back and been respectful, Because I do not what to be the dc new mum at all but will show care and support like I would any of my dc friends.
I would of made her point that his dp was all she thought though she had no understanding of her actions.

Something she wouldn't of known was that I was furious that my dp hadn't dealt with the situation, and I had too and that even though I was raging, I understood the next day that she was shocked and lost control of her emotions.
But maybe I'm different because I'm the exw too, so can see from both sides, and I will not have the drama nor the exchange of abuse. X

@sandy My DSD was living with just my DP before I moved in. Ex was supposed to collect her from school but she often didn’t - and just make sure she was okay, but she often didn’t. Yet my DP did not feel that he had a choice, his Ex was saying she wouldn’t parent. The mortgage had to be paid. I do think DP should have stood up to Ex and said look you can’t just stop parenting! But of course people delude themselves, manipulate, and tbh DSD was happier with less parenting at DPs than she was being ignored at her Mums.

So when I moved in and pretty quickly saw the gaps, the first thing I did was say to girl needs more, let’s go back to the Ex and sort something out. Of course on here I’d be flamed!
... when you see the gaps in parenting what do you do as a human being, ignore the poor girl?

For example, someone had to make sure she got fed. DP would get her something when she got back, but I realised she was eating breakfast but not lunch at all, and had fainted from not having anything all day. She’d keep her lunch money for computer games. So of course I fed her.

Now honestly any of you dare tell me that I was
Overstepping the mark?
Not knowing my place?
Forcing my opinions of parenting to be a pushy?
Damaging DSD?
Interfering with perfectly adequate parenting?
Deserving of any spite dislike or resentment that came my way?!

I deserve a bloody medal tbh!

Banana, maybe maybe not, but one thing you've written was that your DSD was happy before you arrived in her life so your intervention was clearly because you thought without it, she'd go downhill and end up in trouble or worse?

Your example is interesting to me because my DD never had breakfast ever, and DS at 14 decided he would have breakfast but not lunch. We discussed these decisions and they explained why they'd chosen to do it this way. I didn't agree with it but respected their choice and just monitored how they were doing, so from your standard, I was neglecting them. My OH can't function without breakfast whatever time he wakes up, I like my DD don't do breakfast. If my OH had taken it upon himself to force my DD to eat breakfast because in his views it was essential to good health, yes, she would have resented him and got angry and I would have been extremely annoyed that he would think entitled to make that decision on my behalf.

Another example, my kids went through a stage when they were only in primary school of watching Eastenders, something they did at their dad's, we didn't watch here. My oh believed that they were too young to be exposed to adult issues.and thought I should stop them. My view was that I believed they were mature enough to understand what is fiction and what isn't and would talk to me a out anything that concerned them, so again, I was happy to let them do so and just observe for any change in their behaviour that could be associated to watching it. They never developed any and after a few months, they got bored of it and they've never watched a other episode.

Again, if OH had took it upon himself to decide that they were not allowed to watch it, it would have been over stepping his position. I have no doubt that he thought it was bad parenting to let them but this is where good or bad parenting becomes subjective and it is therefore up to the parents to decide. I'm extremely proud of my kids who at 19 and 16 have shown to be very mature, hard working and studious, caring and fun but never been in any trouble so clearly, I and their dad must have done something right despite some people who could have judged my parenting inadequate.

It is only looking back that you can decide whether you parented rightly or wrongly, not before. I read one time something that really stuck in my head and that is that kids are much more likely to learn from their parents' own behaviour than from how we tell them to behave and I think that's very true.

Yes you are right swing I should have

Never cooked her dinner
Never looked after her when she was sick
Never talked to her Dad that she was being bullied
Never bought her clothes and underwear just left her to it
Never bought her sanitary protection and let her not talk to either parent about it
Never encouraged her school work and just not bothered to realize she was so upset about lessons she was skipping classes. I should have just told her I’m not her parent.

I should with your logic just left all of the above things and also as SM realized that any involvement was detrimental.

I never ever said she was a happy girl when I came to live there. That again is a complete bias that fits the story that as SM I was obviously bad.

She was happier having some parenting from her father rather than the tense relationship with her mother at the time. But she was a very lonely, desperate and rejected girl.

Her mother kept her in a loyalty bind and encouraged resentment about me so much that she ended up totally ignoring me and yet I’d still be the person she called when she needed it or was sick. Because I was the person she could actually rely on.

She is still not happy and I do feel for her, unfortunately her mother in particular was more concerned with her own jealousy issues with me to even let her daughter be taken care of by me when she didn’t want to parent her in the first place.

But yet again I think I’ve spent reams of space just defending myself. When I’ve nothing to defend. Attacking SMs and assuming always that they are in the wrong is putting down a valuable and important extra parenting dimension to step kids lives. There is no reason at all to question or attack that.

Bananas, you sound like an amazing step mum and your DSD is really lucky you came into her life.

Don’t let people’s bias get to you. Even if you said you saved you’d DSD from an armed intruder you’d still get some people saying you were in the wrong!

It's about doing nothing for your SCs it's a out not taking the responsibility, which is very different.

If my DS told my OH that he was experiencing pain down below, of course I'd hope he'd listen to him and give him advice if possible but I would expe t to tell him to speak to me about it so I could take him to the doctor.

If I'm away, I would hope that my OH would agree if he is free on an occasional basis to drive him to a football game, but it's my responsibility to find out where he is playing, what time he needs to be there, to ensure that his kit is ready, and arrange to have the money due.

I personally do think that you took on too much and then got upset when you didn't get the appreciation you felt you deserve from your SD and OH who was all too happy to let you take on his responsibilities.

Thanks @heckypeck

I didn’t neglect a child in my care. I helped a troubled teenager through her trickiest years. For that I’m able to live with myself.

I am not a martyr.

However neither I nor my other kids deserved to be ignored, excluded and scapegoated. From my DSDs, Ex, DP or anyone else.

And of course I should have been appreciated however I’d have been happy to just be able to live without animosity.

I continually raised that this wasn’t my responsibility, however I wasn’t going to, for example, neglect a sick child because her father was at work and her mother didn’t want the hassle.

Now I’m happy and relieved to not be an active SM or parent step kids anymore. Phew! I never want to repeat the experience

I do support SMs now as I know that the majority are doing a good job in a very hostile environment. As shown by many of the antagonistic posts on this board that relentlessly pick on SMs like the OP.

In the OPs post, remember the original post?! The only person being nasty was the Mum who told the OP not to go to the assembly because it ruined it for her. The OP was upset and wanted to know how much she could should be involved and she got some good advice from SMs. But just bitching from non SMs.

I think that OP's husband is pretty nasty. He seems to agree with his ex about OP's role (He was "off" when she went to the assembly) and his silence when OP was confronted speaks volumes. His insistence on OP being at home when her SS stays is also nasty considering that he has her babysit when he goes out.

FWIW (and I genuinely hope this helps), banana from the bottom of my heart thank you for all your posts on this board. For your input, your insight and your reassurance. You have been a light that has reassured me (in amongst this crazy world) that I am not going mad.

Where I would have walked naively into my new relationship, the threads on this board have stopped me in my track and been the wake up call I needed. I no longer wish to play any role, whatsoever in the world of my DP’s DC. He is welcome to parent them, in his house, without me and my DC. We are all done. I have finally recognised that there simply are some women who want no other women in the lives of their DC.

To my EX DP’s EW I raise a congratulatory salute. You won. I no longer wish to have anything to do with your DC as a result of your manipulation.

I now work to extract myself from my relationship and I make a humble prayer. I will never ever date a man with children again.

I have finally recognised that there simply are some women who want no other women in the lives of their DC
Or there are some women who wish the men they had children with, men who were so happy when they go pregnant, who couldn't wait to be a dad and act as such, who claimed that they would take on the fun AND the hard work that comes with being a dad, didn't back off when they realised how hard it is to bring up kids and can't wait to pass on the not so much fun part of being a parent to their new partner as soon as they can because ultimately, what they want is the rewards of being a dad - being loved and admired unconditionally- whilst the woman in his life can pick up the chores.

What is a pity is the number of fathers who are too lazy to be good dads and use the excuse of work to do not do more and don't get the fact that it's though being fully involved, including the chores of educating kids, that you create that special bond.

It's heartbreaking as an ex to see the father of your children shying from his responsibilities and pass it to a new partner when what kids really want and need is to be parented by their own parents, not a substitute.

@swingofthings a real healthy family, no matter original or blended, will need man and woman to share responsibility and find a balance that suits them.

@lifeinpieces123, exactly but it sounds like there is no balance in many posters who complain they get no appreciation for all what they do because they do more than they should have to.

Sharing responsibilities doesn't to mean the women taking on all children related chores. A parent should be a parent before being a family member. This means that responsibilities could be shared with the woman sorting out the finances, any housing related issues, gardening, some general cleaning or shopping, but anything to do with the SCs specifically, ie. their washing, cleaning their rooms or getting them to do so, supervising homework, sorting out their activities, ensuring they eat healthily, putting them to bed etc... should be roles undertaken by the parent, not the SP unless in occasional circumstances when the parent can't. Unless the SC has an excellent relationship with their SP, they will always wish or expect their parent to do so.

I agree with part of what you say. I agree that here are some ppl complain that they do too much than they have to do. But I don’t agree that SC can only share a defined list of responsibilities and are specially excluded from the parenting part. I can understand that works really well for you and your partner, but I can’t imagine that works for me and my partner, not even close. I think the existence of this forum is to encourage stepparents to have an open mind (I certainly learnt a lot), to explore different options that they might have in a blended relationship, by encouraging open communication to develop mutual understanding with their partner. Rather than keep telling them they have a “line” based on some personal experience.

Sorry SP not SC