A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

God if my step mum has stepped back we'd have been the losers. Honestly I'd have liked her to be more involved.

I've stepped into the breach as a step mother so many times. Gone to countless appointments in school and out. To the doctors, specialists etc. More than either parent probably. The only losers are the kids. More interested adults is a good thing for the kids.

Most of the posters on here giving you advice are experienced stepparents but you don’t seem to want to listen to them.

As others have said, you may be involved in ‘wifework’ (cooking, cleaning, school pick ups) but you don’t have parental responsibility so when it comes to big events your role is to support your DP to co-parent effectively with his ex, not to be involved yourself.

I think the list bananas has put together is a very sensible guide for stepparents:

*As a rule of thumb, I think that things a granny or aunt would go to, a SM should be able to go. So...
Assemblies
Birthdays
Events - weddings, christenings.

Things that are specifically for the main guardian/s or parents
Parents evening
Medical appointments
Choosing schools, Uni
Important life and school stuff e.g. decisions about safety, health, lifestyle etc.*

Thenobby - well thank you for telling me where my role starts and finishes. It doesn’t start and finish under my roof. It goes beyond that. I didn’t say medical issues were my role. And in your view it’s mum and dads.

There isn’t a law you have to be a parent - step parents go it’s what works for the situation.

I’m fully aware that I am not the parent - I can’t write it any other way.

Sunny- I have listened. I have said I get the parents evening thing. That’s changed from how I felt initally. They aren’t all step parents either. I also agreed with bananas. And if you read over my posts I have said what I should perhaps consider - taking a step back etc and not getting so involved.

So I disagree with that element but thanks nonetheless.

You still don’t understand the boundaries which is what people are saying and I think bananas summed it up nicely. You’re not there to be another parent you’re you’re dp partner. The problem is I think he’s taking a step back and you’re doing everything when realistically it should be him, I think this is what muddys the waters. For a easier life you can accept the mothers wishes and just not attend assemblies and just be a supportive role on the side lines. Things utilmately might change in time. We all attended ds holy communion for instance but all family members were in attendance.

Wallywabbles - the focus should be on the kids from all parties.

I love my stepmum. I’ve never referred to her as it- but she is great. She was part of it. When I got married she was at the top table too. She got thanked just like my mum and dad etc. She’s been in my life since I was 7. And even when I’m older now- I’ll call her check in now she is. She’s my family too.

My mum wasn’t always forthcoming though- my SM was the other woman and all that. So not always easy in that situation.

Snapped - I actually agreed with bananas.

I’m not going to stop going to assemblies. If my partner wants me there- I’m there. And until he says otherwise - then that is that.

And he will have to accept me taking a step back. This isn’t a one way street. People can’t have it all.

Then you’re creating unnecessary problems that don’t need to be there which can affect the co-parenting relationship . You might have that relationship with you’re Sm god knows why if she was OW you’re loyalty isn’t very good towards you’re mother I must say that’s not to say you’re own stepchild might feel that way towards you.

Snapped- I asked a question. Not created a problem. And I don’t think you can make such an assumption that my loyalty isn’t great towards my mum. She is my first and foremost however I understand in life not everything is picture perfect. People fall in love. People get things wrong. People act and think later. My dad rightly or wrongly found happiness elsewhere. You cannot change a feeling. It’s real life. And I chose not to go through my whole life seeing my SM as that woman.

@wallywobbles that is a good point. Sometimes there is a total breach and if an SM doesn’t do it, the poor kid loses out. It’s really difficult to have hard and fast rules. My DSD1 had very little in the way of parenting from her mum, DP fulfilled a lot, but there were gaps e.g. general looking after her appearance etc - as SM she rejected much of my input - and as a result I had to stand back and watch a bit of a car crash. Difficult!

It is clear you are a very loving person and caring for your ds dearly. The issue as it comes to me is that you consider yourself to have a decisive voice as strong as the two parents of the child. If you think that you should attend assembly, then the parents should agree with it or they are wrong. If you don't want to meet the ex with your OH, then that's your right. If she doesn't want to meet you on your own, then she's wrong and not giving you a voice. If you want to be involved beyond the walls of your home then you should be let too, but that should give you automatic rights to be involved in more even if the parents don't agree.

Your OH is acting defensive because he feels that the roles are reversed. Youre the one directing when you should be involved when you shouldn't and he should give you the freedom to do so. That's why he is getting back at you pointing out when you don't get involved when it is needed.

You need to take a step back and let your involvement as a parental figure come naturally with time. They became parents when she got pregnant, you've probably taken on that role in your mind for 2 1/2 years so half the time.

If my ex partner at the time had insisted on attending one my kids assembly, even before I met her I wouldn't have been happy at all, mainly because it would have me feel on tenterhooks and not fully relax at a time that was supposed to be all pleasure and good feelings.

10 years later, she was very much involved in one of my kids' first job and I had nothing to do with it. I was actually thankful to her. I now can't imagine her not being present at my DD graduation ceremony.

That's the difference between a parent and SP. Parents earn these rights the moment the child is born by default because they also have no choice but to take all the responsibilities by default too. They can't run away (we'll some do but that's another matter). SP do not get this by default, so it's earned by their commitment, as you are doing, but it takes time to show that total commitment.

The more you push your rights and the more the parents will push you away. Its one thing when it's the mum doing that but in your case it's also your OH. He is trying to pass a message and you are not hearing it.

If you miss a parent evening, assembly, it's not the end of the world if it means that one day, you'll be there when he graduates and he thanks everyone including you.

You might have that relationship with you’re Sm god knows why if she was OW you’re loyalty isn’t very good towards you’re mother
So by that logic a child should also forever punish their unfaithful parent? Some crazy stuff posted on this thread.
I propose we have a policy of not declaring whether OW or not in this forum because the more bitter folk here just feed off it. And it’s rarely actually that relevant.
Op - I’m a step mum and not a Mum. It’s a hard role. I find it tough when I spend so much time supporting my partner on his child’s medical stuff that then I can’t just turn up at the appointment to ask my questions and learn things I need to learn directly from the docs. But that’s not my place.
First day of school was also pretty shit for me. I never expected to go at all but I was a bit overtaken by sadness on the day as the realisation sunk in that this will always be the way of it.
For shows etc - for last year’s kindergarten show I got my partner to buy the dvd and when it arrived I made it a little event to sit down with my DSD to watch it.
I don’t have time to write a more coherent post but just wanted to pop in to add a little solidarity in the SM struggle to find the right balance.

So by that logic a child should also forever punish their unfaithful parent? Some crazy stuff posted on this thread.

I might be civil but I wouldn’t have ow up at the top table at my wedding what an insult to my mother. Personally I wouldn’t have invited her for that very reason.

Oops I posted that on the wrong thread. Silly phone!

That's the difference between a parent and SP. Parents earn these rights the moment the child is born by default........ SP do not get this by default, so it's earned by their commitment, as you are doing, but it takes time to show that total commitment

You should pay close attention to this comment OP. Because it reveals what 99% of biological parents think and also what is the legal position. It doesn’t matter how crap that parent is, they have full rights. They can walk away , disown the child , neglect and abuse them but they still have rights. Biology is everything .

And conversely , WHATEVER you do, however much commitment you show to that child, you will have NO RIGHTS at all.

That’s the position in law and it’s also what most people believe is morally right.

OP you can knock your pan out for the next 20 years doing every single thing 24/7 for that child and people will tell you that you are uppity for wanting to go to their university graduation. Even if the child lived with you and your partner full time. Even if you supported them financially.

Remember - know your place .

Because all these people who tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper and it’s just the same as cohabiting and you are a bigot if you think otherwise get very attached to a piece of paper called a birth certificate.

Suddenly it’s not at all about love or caring or commitment it’s about a piece of paper. Nothing you have ever done for that child is worth a bean because you don’t have any legal or moral rights ( as they see it).

You and your SS parents are on a totally different page here . You cannot change their world view and I think you have seen on this thread that most people agree with them.

So please do not go on trying to parent your step son. You will get no thanks for it from either his mother or his father. Remember that if you and your partner split up ( what’s the odds , 50:50? ) you will never see that child again.

Start being fun auntie.

Don’t do the grunt work like childminder pick ups. Don’t tidy his room or buy clothes. Both his parents have made it clear that they don’t WANT you to have them role of a step mum.

Go out more when DSS is with you to allow your partner quality time with his son. Encourage them to do things together, maybe to do a sport or hobby you don’t enjoy.

And be very very careful if you do decide to have a child with your current partner . Because you will HAVE TO treat the two children differently , because you will be parenting one and not the other.

You will need to discuss this very Carefully with you partner otherwise it will default to what it is now - you doing all the work but having no rights. Good enough for doing the washing and buying clothes but not good enough to go to a school assembly or nativity.

They can’t have it both ways.

That's the difference between a parent and SP. Parents earn these rights the moment the child is born by default........ SP do not get this by default, so it's earned by their commitment, as you are doing, but it takes time to show that total commitment

this is true but I would advise you take on absolutely NO responsibility for the parenting of any step child. It aint worth it in my experience.

I have done, it SS lives with us and he still thinks his mum is the best thing since sliced bread because she gets to be "fun weekend mum"

I wont get any thanks for anything, I can assure you. He knows full well that if he appreciates me, his mum will disown him. So I wont get to go to graduation (even though its partly me that will ensure he even gets a good education) I probably wont get to go to his wedding, or be close with his future kids if he has any because he's too loyal to his batshit useless mother.

@flamingofridays really sorry to hear what's happening between you and your SS.
I would still like to encourage any new SM to at least try and don't simply disengage at the beginning. Children need discipline, house rules and boundaries. We need open communication, support and understanding from our DP. Relationship do grow, although very slowly, but one will never cultivate a loving and lasting relationship without even trying at first.

Children need discipline, house rules and boundaries

yep and these should be established by the parents,

i'm not saying don't try and have a relationship with the child, im saying be a "fun adult they can trust" but don't take responsibility for their day to day care,

@flamingofridays Your post made me really sad :( - what a rubbish situation - it's true what another pp said though, parents don't have to earn the right they're just given it. And so often on these threads parents are 'let off' with things that step parents would be vilified for.

I'm a stepmum, going on 7 years and my SS was young enough when we got together that he will never remember life without me in it.
We have him 50% of the time, and I disagree with the posts saying to be the 'fun' friend and not attempt to take on a parental role.
I also have a child of my own so do for both of them what I do for each. I make sure he's taken his medicine, his uniform is ready, dressed for school, showered, fed, tucked up in bed etc etc.
I'm not his mum, but i'm 'a' parent when he's with us.
Obviously the relationship with his mother allows this as she puts what is best for her son above whatever her personal feelings might be (wouldnt know).
He has said to me on occassion when being told off by either both of us or just me - that we are the worst parents ever (or i am) and honestly it makes my heart melt as he thinks of me as a parent (even when he's sulking because he doesnt want to go to bed!)
I couldn't switch off and not be a parent as he's here a lot and often when my DH isnt.
I have no doubt that ill be involved in his kids lives as a grandparent, we'll do christmas with his family when hes grown up and we'll both be at his wedding.

Side note - I've gone to assemblies, christmas concerts, plays, sports days etc etc. But - I have never been to a parents evening, i dont think its necessary as my husband will just tell me whats been said.

"yep and these should be established by the parents"

Absolutely not. If somebody is living in my house, I have every right to set the house rule, expectation of behaviour and boundaries. No way that I will sit back and let DP do the discipline only simply because he/she is not my biological child. We are a family sharing the same roof.

"i'm not saying don't try and have a relationship with the child, im saying be a "fun adult they can trust" but don't take responsibility for their day to day care"

That's great that you find your balance that way.

Hi op

Ive been a step mum for 12 years (as well as mum 18 yrs) dss is with us full time now.
I am not a replacememt for mum bit i am her main carer so its me that goes to appoinments school and medical (mum will attend to if possible)
In your situation my advise would be to have some definate rules between you and mum. Never attend an event without mums blessing, if dss wants you there thrn he should ask mum to ask you. Be his friend and listen to him. Of course care for him, but remember that main role should be with dad. You sound like you care very much so please speak to mum keep those lines of communications open, it really will beneifit everyone.

Thanks swing - I am hearing it. I am. And I am accepting it. It's what I feel I get back as a result of that then. If I DON'T do something - I am being selfish. If I am NOT part of something I am thinking of myself and not him. If I don't think about getting his book bag ready or school uniform and he happens to forget, it's not just HIS job according to him. So don't expect so much from me. He wanted me at the assembly- just couldnt speak up when I needed his support.

Lalou - that poster about loyalty to my Mum is a load of crap. Jesus yes wouldn't it be great if we could all lock up our feelings and be faithful forever - but I am a realist. Been through both ends and what's the point in being bitter about it? I grew up in a happy home, my Dad was happy and Mum is happy too. Oh I'll hate my Dad forever. Hilarious!!!! BITTER WOMEN.

Oh come on Ron- very helpful post - thank you. It sounds like you have a great balance. I am glad you have that - and it's refreshing the Mum does actually put the kid first.

Hey Mamabear- thanks for your words. It's been an eyeopener here for sure (and I have learned that some people are actually rather oboxious!) anyway - I get most of your post all bar checking in with the Mum part. I mean whilst there is the element that I can understand the way I see it is it's 50/50 parenting (Mum and Dad) and if the Dad is in a position where they are comfortable to let someone else in- whislt give them a heads up of the existence/courtesy- permission should not be required.

I'm missing out on trick or treat tonight- I haven't spoken to my OH for what feels like an eternity. I explained I felt I have done an awful lot NATURALLY with very little back - and I am not on about parents evening here- I mean general back up. I have always had to ask for everything and I don't want to go through life like that.

I said if I decide to go out if DSS is around for whatever reason, then let it happen. He said I should always be invovled and it isn't fair- but sometimes this just aches more in the long run.

For me- whilst people might think it's all about being the Mum- it isn't. It goes beyond that for me. Perhaps it's a roll up of all sorts of things that have happened across the years where I haven't felt he has had my back nor felt included. And I wound up here.

OP, truly hope you DP can understand your feelings and be able to speak up for you.