A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

@onlyhappywhenitrains1

Mumsnet rule of law second family is second best. Always.

In Sweden, they call them Bonus Families.
Anybody seen Bonus Family on netflix? It’s quite good.

@toosassy it massively helps for you to say that, thank you! I’ve gained a lot from your posts too. I do agree there are some very difficult Exes, some guilt driven fathers and dysfunctional divorced families. I think often the main problems are unresolved anger from the breakup. Also some (maybe a lot!) of divorcees with kids are unwilling to see their Ex as not at their beck and call anymore. It’s like walking into a hive of problems. I’m really sorry it’s not worked out for you toosassy. Your DP seems to care for you but be unable to manage his Ex.

You are not wrong at all. You should be included. Yes, you married your husband, but he also married you. He should include, support and encourage what you are doing because it is very hard. He needs to remember, he married you too and really, you are the one sacreficing your life and trying your best. He isn't with his ex, he is with you. I feel for you.

@toosassy Absolutely agree with your posts, I think most healthy adults would too.

I am very happy to say my life resembles yours and I am certain we (children included) are all much happier for it.

Funnily enough, having said I'd never do parent meetings at school, SD's dad just called my girlfriend to say he couldn't make it tomorrow and could she just take "the English guy" (one of many ways he refers to me) instead?

So I guess I'm going after all...

Bananas

@sandy My DSD was living with just my DP before I moved in

So why did you let it all fall on you? All too often women step in as a second mum when they shouldn't.

My point is, here you are now...having done everything you did....and your OH can't stand up to his Ex...his DDs don't get on with you....so you're splitting up.

That child was their responsibility... not yours.

He/they would have managed if he never met you ... but you allowed yourself to be used as childcare when neither parent did what they needed to do.

It only makes you resentful when after all that... you realise you aren't recognised as you'd like to be for everything you did.

It's best to not do it in the first place. If a man has unresolved issues with his Ex and child related matters, it's worth giving them a wide berth and save yourself the headache.

@swingofthings - I totally agree with your last few posts. My exh has done exactly this & his dw totally complies/bails him out all the time. Generally speaking we get on well but any disagreements we have tend to be over this; he will say he can have/do something with the kids & I learn after the fact that his dw did it with or for them while he took a snooze/watched a match/went for a jog 🙄. I have NO problem with his dw but I do have a problem with him getting her to do his parenting & her complying to keep him happy! The kids see it for what it is & it frustrates them but when they try talk to him about it, it falls on deaf ears.
However, with respect to my dp he has NEVER expected me to parent his kids & yet his exw still wants them to have nothing to do with me, so to this end I totally agree with where @TooSassy is coming from. She just doesn't want me in their lives - end of. Like @TooSassy I have now just stopped making an effort with them as it's too stressful for me & my kids & it's too stressful for them. I think they can cope with me in small doses because so long as I don't have regular contact with them their dm is happy(ish) & gives neither them nor dp too much grief which keeps them happy.
It's dreadful manipulation but what can you do?

@sandy I didn’t roll up my sleeves with glee and start mustering about my DSDs life! No one was coping well before I moved in. If they were there would be no issue. It was not at all obvious before I moved in.

He/they would have managed if he never met you ... but you allowed yourself to be used as childcare when neither parent did what they needed to do. they were not managing at all. My step kids mum was sending her kids to our house whenever she wanted them out if hers. This was happpening without DPs knowledge or agreement.

I’m not resentful at all that I cared for a teenager who was struggling. I did a good thing there. I did my best to bat back the responsibility, but I also wasn’t a bitch about it towards the child as it wasn’t her fault.

It’s nothing to do with wanting recognition. That would be icing on the cake. But not something I’d let ruin my relationship!

I’d also say that I wasn’t wrong to move in at the time. I was very cautious and there were not the red flags we’d recognise. Even the Ex liked me! She was not a crazy ex. She’d got a bf. DP was great with his kids. The step kids were reserved, but seemed very nice. 5 years after they divorced.

I’d see the more subtle signs now - Ex nice because she has no boundaries, DP a great Dad because Ex only like the surface of parenting (like Christmas Day), kids reserved were actually barriers that never came down, DSD struggling but appeared totally fine.

I’m just saying that to illustrate that it’s not as easy, simple to blame the SM for walking into what she must have known.

I am sad that the Ex, DSD and DP let their problems and resentment affect my relationship with DP, particularly when I did become more assertive about my own needs. Their anger over the last few years has soured what could have been a supportive partnership. I include DP in that, but also DSD and his Ex. They made life pretty difficult for me. That’s rubbish but I’ll get over it, and certainly won’t be moving in with any kids again.

@magda some problems like your ExH are due to slack parenting... others due to being territorial and not wanting another woman near your kids or allowing DP to move on, as is your current situation. Totally the same with my situation, even though on the face of it I was ‘allowed’ much contact - basically thrown the kids! By their Mum. Yet the manipulation and control can still be very strong and evident.

I had no idea how much I was being bitched about and undermined behind the scenes, just had this big barrier with DSDs, that I couldn’t pinpoint. You can’t do anything about it I don’t think.

Banana, in the end, as long as you remain convinced that everything you did was right and for the best and things have gone wrong, it is your OH, his ex and SD's fault, despite all 3 blaming you, things were never going to get better.

Regardless of what we believe and how we chose to act in accordance to these believes, the biggest lesson in life is that it is a continuous self-learning and improving process and the reason why we become wiser as we get older.

I'm a stubborn with high self-confidence and self-belief as I'm sure it comes across here on forums but I have had to face the fact that I have been wrong on a number of occasions, especially lately and it is only once I've accepted this that I was able to change things that did result in changes from the behaviours of the people closest to me.

I get the feeling, maybe wrongly, that like me (and many fantastic women!) you are naturally very eager to excel in what you do to make people happy and as such you invest a lot of effort and energy to do so. When it is not recognised and appreciated, and you're the one left exhausted, disappointed, it feels very unfair and its hard not to built resentment.

Last year I went through a very difficult time in my life leading to feeling that nobody cared. Then someone told me that I needed to learn to relax and stop feeling that everything had to be perfect. Since then, I'm learning to trade all the 'I must, I need to' for 'it doesn't matter' and I can't tell how much a difference it is making. Nothing has fallen apart, and more incredibly, everybody around me seem much happier.

It's a long road, but I already feel much happier myself since I've accepted that the best way to get people to change is change their behaviour is to change mine first. I don't mean to come here preaching, I accept I could be totally wrong in my analysis but your posts do come across as if you've been through a lot of emotional hurt yet through it all, you never seem to consider that maybe you could yourself have done some things differently.

In the end, when in crisis, relationships grow stronger through learning and adapting or are destroy for good. Things rarely get better because only one person makes changes whilst the other continue to act exactly the same as they always have.

Magda, I don't deny that some exes do have issues that mean that whatever the position of the SM, they will never accept them, but ultimately kids are so much more perceptive then we give them credit for. They just keep their feelings to themselves because of respect for authority of for fear to upset...until they turn teenagers and these two reasons blow off to the surprise of pare ts who thought they had a special relationship with their kids.

Your OH's ex might have a big shock coming up.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I agree - I think there's nothing you can really do about this stuff so at some point you just have to stand back & let it go. What you said about reserved sdc really struck a chord - dp's kids are the very same. It's not reservations but barriers that have never come down no matter what way dp & I have tackled things.
I hope things are a little calmer for you these days.

@swingofthings I also agree with you when you say kids are perceptive but often sit on things. What I've noticed though is that both my kids & dp's kids are very reluctant to tackle the other parents, on anything. My exh & dp's ex are similar in that they are highly manipulative & play the victim game to the kids. My guys see this, eyeroll at him but rarely tackle him as "he'd sulk & it's not worth the hassle" - their words not mine. Yet, they still feel guilt if they (choose to) miss an access day with him.
Dp's kids just seem emotionally frozen - a spark of annoyance/frustration/anger would nearly be welcome as then you've something to work with.

Magda, my DD has always been e tremely defensive of her dad lack of parenting but I know know it's her nurturing side who dictate how she feels about him.

I've learned that kids can 'defend' a parent without 'accusing the other'. DD now respects how hard it was for me to raise her and DS without any maintenance from him, and yes, she does think it was wrong, but she can bypass this and focus on the good things he brought and still bring in her life, the same way she probably does with me.

Her relationship with her dad is totally different to hers with me. She is much more forgiving of him than she is of me, but at the same it will always be me she will turn for advice and support.

I used to get upset of what I perceived then as her loyalty to her dad, thankfully now I a tually see it as her being a devoted and caring person and I'm pleased she is close to her dad that way.

@magda the resentment hides animosity and wariness, sorry you have this too. It’s very sad in kids. I see it in my step kids, they are in protective mode not just with me but their parents, in laws. They think it’s normal to hear one parent complaining about the other, to get things by manipulating rather than just asking, to put others down. I’ve known them long enough to know that they were much less like this at first. Nothing you can do once it becomes entrenched. We have our own kids so we have to just make sure they don’t get too affected. You’ve really done the right thing not moving in. Even if you probably have it harder with your relationship, in terms of time and distance. It hopefully might get a little better in time?

@swing one day you’ll actually read my posts. But I highly doubt it! It’s the resentment and anger from Ex, DSD, DP that killed my relationship. Not stomping my feet wanting appreciation! Sigh sigh sigh... if only it were that simple.

I would not be throwing away my relationship, facing being a single parent, again, to a severely special needs child, just because I got in a strop because I wasn’t appreciated enough.

I just did what was right. The anger directed at me from Ex and DSD was the direct result of me backing off from the whole situation. It’s the anger, toxicity and continual animosity towards me that I could not cope with. And the end I did not want me or my kids exposed to this.