A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

Banana, your OH is not parenting badly, she is parenting differently to you and from what you've written over the years, so do I. Yet my kids are now 19 and 16 so old and all in all, I think I've done with some things I'd do differently which is what most self reflecting parents end up concluding.

Your insistance that there is one good way to educate and that's your way is probably why you've had so many issues. You have strong views on educating and that must be very stifling. Ive had friends who brought their kids very differently to me, when I thought at the time, not so well, but their kids have grown up to be stable and happy young adults too.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 didn't say her OH couldn't parent. She mentioned that @Sisterlove made an assumption/projection that it was her OH that couldn't parent when in her case she specifically says the mother wasn't deemed suitable to have the children in her house for the majority of the time and so they moved with her and OH...right Bananas? Or have I misread.

Looks like it's the same in @Julia1111 s case and to be totally honest it wouldn't surprise me if one day we also end up being a 60/40 split between bio dad/bio mum, if not have him full time. I think when he is able to make his own choice he will want to move in with us.

It's lovely to start hearing these examples with the DSC are engaging with the SM as an extra caring person and actively asking them to be in their lives.

@SandyY2K I wouldn't want to meet the bio mum with DH present. She simply cannot control herself when he is around, evidenced by her atrocious accusatory behaviour in shared school meetings and in court. The reason I would want it to be just her and me is that there is no history between us.

Bio mum and bio dad do not talk because they cannot bring themselves to talk - this is not my doing and I cannot help it. It takes two to tango. I believe from what I've seen it's the mother that reacts badly when DH talks about the children to her but maybe this is founded on history I haven't been party to.

I was hoping to provide a channel of communication between bio mum and our family home that was less filled with angst and not based on their historical bickering. I don't know if OP is the same. Every situation is different.

My OH prefers it if I don't make plans when DSS comes because he/we/DSS like it when we do things all together. That said, I think OPs partner has a more controlling edge than mine - if I do double book myself then naturally DH will defer.

Kids also need a little bit of 121 with SM to help them develop that relationship but naturally it's important that it's not too frequent and they do have 121 time with their dad too. Amusingly about 50pc of the time DH takes DSS out on his own, DSS either requests I come, questions why I'm not, or amusingly asks to stay with me. That's quite reassuring for me but equally sometimes (whilst pregnant in the early weeks) I've been desperate to get the pair of them out of the house so I can nap!

Hey sandy she doesn’t mean anything to me- I respect her for being a good mum - and that’s it. I felt it was too late in the day after we’d had a good foundation. The meeting wasn’t about the child- it was about her feelings - not about us all being there for him- what she ideally wanted. There’s a difference. She said she didn’t know anything about me so that was my offer.

Maybe that’s what a lot of step kids are like they want that time- ive not for the vibe before and he’s ever so inclusive - he does have time with his dad too- but I guess I’m lucky like that. Sounds a bit like your situation - asks where I am etc. And yes I do think he has a more controlling edge which is a different thing altogether.

Pink Ginny- where have I demanded rights?? I am not at parents evening? I asked a question.

Hecky peck- lovely to read! X

My partner is actually a real hands on dad. He doesn’t leave it all to me. I have assumed certain roles but he wouldn’t have an issue doing them. He’s a super dad.

@CaboodleTwist

I wouldn't want to meet the bio mum with DH present. She simply cannot control herself when he is around, evidenced by her atrocious accusatory behaviour in shared school meetings and in court. The reason I would want it to be just her and me is that there is no history between us.

Bio mum and bio dad do not talk because they cannot bring themselves to talk

If their relationship is this bad, that it would result in a volatile chaotic situation, then it's clearly unwise for them to meet face to face. That's a different situation.

The meeting wasn’t about the child- it was about her feelings - not about us all being there for him- what she ideally wanted

What she wanted in relationship to the child surely? Not what she wanted in any other part of her life.

This is related to the child, even if it's indirectly, because if the child didn't exist...her feelings wouldn't come into play where youre concerned and she wouldn't be wanting to meet with you and say what she ideally wants.

You made the decision not to meet with her.... as is your prerogative....now you just need to deal with the fallout of your decision. Let the cards fall where they will.

On one on one time of child with dad..... there needs to be a balance. I'm not saying they should never see SM...as that relationship does need developing too. My SIL is SM to niece and nephews.. they need to be comfortable around her.

Your insistance that there is one good way to educate and that's your way is probably why you've had so many issues.

I agree. That would be stifling.

@caboodletwist, I was referring to this ststement:
many of us SMs get involved in parenting because the kids need it. There is a lack of parenting

Banana added later she wasn't referring to her OH.

@swingofthings got it

It is a really tough job being a step parent, and quite often an un thankful one. As this thread shows, a lot of mothers think of their children as possessions and can't always see that life would perhaps be easier for everyone, especially their children, if they could broaden their views a little. But as someone said, it changes as time goes on and there are troughs and peaks.

My husband took me to his son's Xmas show within months of me meeting him. His mum was there with her second husband, whose children were there too. I never went to parent's evenings as only two places were allowed, but my husband always discussed it with me afterwards. My stepson always showed me his reports and discussed homework with me, so I never felt left out. In secondary school he won a school prize every year and we all used to go - myself and my husband and his mother and her husband or her father once she got divorced. When he applied to university it was me that he wanted to check his personal statement "because Honey is good at that sort of thing" - these scarce moments are the reward for all the years of caring and loving. Things have swung down again for us at he moment and we are quite pushed out. It hurts, but it will probably swing back again in the future. Sometimes I think about it all, the stress and difficulty, and think I must bloody love my husband!

Ps, I think you should have met her with your partner and all had a chat over a coffee. Stress that you don't want to push her out or replace her, you just love the child and are proud of them too.

For those saying the father just wanted someone to step in and parent his child - well no, he already had the child, whoever he got into a long term relationship with pretty much had to be involved. You'd have to be pretty cold to have a child come to your house two or three times a week and not get involved and learn to love them. A marriage is a partnership - sometimes I do the school runs for his child, sometimes he looks after my horses when I'm away - we do everything g that needs doing between us..

honey great posts.

I agree with you 110%. A person does have to be cold (or as the term I regularly hear, detached) to not form a bond with little people in their lives. Detached is the antithesis to who I am as a person. If anyone comes into my home, I want them to feel comfortable, cared for and looked after. That doesn’t suddenly stop because the children happen to be someone else’s child.

But the reality is, that there are a section of parents who resolutely do not want, nor will they accept the fact that anyone other than them plays a caring role in their DC’s lives. Their needs/ validation / self esteem seems intrinsically (unhealthily) linked to the role they have in their DC’s lives. There is a complete lack of acknowledgement at a wider societal level that there categorically are parents who are hellbent on doing everything they can to prevent their DC’s forming attachments with another parent ‘figure’.

Equally, there are SP’s overstepping boundaries (which switch and change in every situation based on everyone’s set up). It’s a nightmare situation and court in the midst of these conflicts are little people. Who are already struggling with the transition between one home and another, struggling with missing mummy when with daddy and vice versa. Then we layer on top of that a potential conflict of ‘don’t love that other caring person in your life as that is disloyal to me’.

I feel for all of these poor children.

Sassy your first sentence is the very definition of a straw man. No-one on this thread is suggesting that making a child feel happy, content and comfortable is the wrong thing to do. What they are saying is that the SM (for arguments sake) shouldn't then assume that those very basic, human and natural actions suddenly earn them some pseudo-parental role in that children life, they don't suddenly gain 'rights' as a consequence of baking a good fairy cake (to be flippant); and they certainly shouldn't expect gratitude, thanks or consideration from the mother of that child. Do it because you want to, because it is who you are but there should be no expectations on the back of it. This thread has been all about the ops expectations; about what she feels she has earned due to (short) time served.

You are right however, it's all children stuck in the middle, due to the selfish actions of adults - from the breakdown of the original relationship, to the 'non-parenting it's all too hard dad', to the 'my children are my life mum', having to live with an other adult/children cause whichever parent wants a new live in partner, to the hassle of having to move house 1/2/3 times a week, having to be 'fair' to each of their parents etc. etc. A litany of compromises made by the children involved as the adults seem to forget that the choices that make them happy may not do the same for their children.

Justcallme - a few c+ps from your posts to answer your question to me:

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right. I’m sorry- we do.

THIS IS LIFE NOW seriously - let it be. I shouldn't this far down the pecking order

Whether it’s biological or not - you earn a right to be part of something. Whether you’re guardians, adoptive parents, foster parents.

[full sentence for completeness but none of those comparisons are valid; and actual on re-reading show how important you think you are, you don't fulfil any of those roles this child has BOTH his parents fully involved in his life so there is no vacancy to be filled]

I won't carry on there are numerous other examples of you demanding rights.

@caboodles @swing no idea what you are talking about tbh.

It’s totally up to the DPs Ex how she parents her kids, it’s just in my case she didn’t want to parent much but wanted the maintenance and mortgage paid. She sent my DSD to live with us because DSD was quite a difficult child with problems. This was totally her mothers decision, she didn’t want her daughter living with her, she found her too hard work. (Her words).

DP did his best but he works long hours. Partly because he’d already bought a house for his EX by remortgaging, so he could not reduce his hours. I became a SAHM so I was around and therefore in the parenting role, basically because her Mum refused to do it. I have a special needs child so really I would not have chosen to take on more parenting!

Sorry I didn’t mean you @caboodle in the first sentence! I genuinely have no idea what swing is on about I’ve never talked about education.

Some of this thread is quite emotive. There are some valid and open points though.

It’s a bit like being an SM. If you ignore the resentment and haters, there are some nuggets of more wise and productive comments. Just don’t waste energy on the more negative provocative silliness.

Banana, 8m referring to the ststement you wrote in bold. In your case, you say the mother didn't want to parent or educate whichever word. That's fair enough but both ex labelled bitter and difficult do want to parent.

It's not about considering our kids as possessions, it's about ensuring they are receiving an up-bringing and education that is in line with our principles.

It's easy to judge mothers reacting to someone getting involved in your child's life and deciding that your child should be introduced to different values and principles to yours. After all, why are there 1000s of posts on mn about picking the right schools? Because we want our kids to interact with teachers we approve off in an environment we approve off. Imagine you were told that your child had to have a teacher for their whole education who had much stricter approaches to their learning than yours and you were told that you had to accept it because your child is not your possession even if your child came home crying every night saying how unhappy they are? Worse, you are expected to respect and encourage that teacher in their ways.

The bottom line is in most cases, issues arise when parents have very different parenting skills.

It can be that mum and dad have very different views with SM being in line with her OH, but it can also be that mum and dad have similar views but their new partner don't and try to convince their oh that he is not educating their child properly and need to make changes because sm knows better what is best for the child. That's when tension and conflict is at its worse.

Reading all those threads has taught me how massively important it is to get with someone with similar values and principles when kids are involved, being kids already born or new kids.

My ex and I had similar views and always showed me that he appreciated how I was bringing up our children, so when his new partner came into his life and started to encourage my oh to introduce changes, yep, the tiger in ne came out. I could tell that my ex didn't fully agree with her views but would challenge her because he loved her and didn't want to challenge her opinions. When it all settled and she realised that my kids were fine and doing well and she backed off, all went well and a unspoken respect for one another grew from three. I now respect her place in my kids life and can appreciate what she brought into their lives. That happened when she backed off from decisions and involvement in parenting matters and with time allowing trust to build.

I’m going to ignore the above poster as it’s not relevant, and is just a personal dig.

What is relevant is that the OP has listened to the posts and changed her mind about parents evenings. However she is raising the point that a step parent can’t be expected to care for the step children yet be excluded from the nice events because the other parent feels uncomfortable. I think that’s fair enough.

And as I’ve outlined, and others have too, sometimes we as SMs have little choice but to parent. It’s inhumane to watch a child need it’s dinner / need care in your home and not to give it. The other parent, in my case the mother, had chosen not to. The stereotypes are too generalised, like all SMs want to take over the role of mother and yet also the stereotype that the SMs want to kick the step kids out!

And let's not forget the stereotypes that the ex's are bitter, twisted, jealous, want to get rid of the father, think their children are possessions, spend any maintenance they receive on nails and weekends away with their new man who the children are always encouraged to call dad, don't know how to look after their children who are dirty and unkempt and never do their homework.

Except of course the ex's who are also step-mums. They are of course impeccable in their parenting skills and should never be criticised.

And again, feeding a child is not patenting else I would be parenting c. 50% of the teen population of my town.

It's the boundary between being caring and kind and feeling that gives that SM some right to input to decisions concerning that child and be involved in the 'nice' things (what are they anyway?) when there are two involved parents. That's the blurred and conflict driving boundary. When the relationship between the adults it's not good then it is futile to expect or demand the involvement of a 3rd party will be welcome.

It’s inhumane to watch a child need it’s dinner / need care in your home and not to give it

My children’s step mother does just that. She has no qualms about preparing breakfast for her own child and leaving mine out. She once disappeared at an event they were at (leaving her child in the care of my ex)and returned with an ice cream for him and not my children. It’s shitty behaviour and yes, absolutely inhumane. She also has plenty to say about the quality of my parenting, my lifestyle, my choice in friends, places I go out to etc. etc. etc. She is also happy to quiz my children on all aspects of what goes on at my house and then remove my child’s phone from him saying she had a right to privacy (he wasn’t texting about her or my ex).

And yet, according to this board, she is the saint and step parenting is oh-so hard and it’s me who’s bitter and twisted for daring to suggest such a person has no place at my children’s parent’s evenings (which she happily attends). Go figure

It's not a personal dig at all Banana, I reacted to a sentence you posted in bold.

You might not like my comment on it, but it was just that. I would have responded the same to anyone you would have posted it.

When the relationship between the adults it's not good then it is futile to expect or demand the involvement of a 3rd party will be welcome
This is the part that however much I try to understand what it is like to be a SM, I can't get my head around. Why does a SM NEED to parent when they share their lives with one of the parent?

There are millions of single parents in the world who manage to raise well-balanced, well educated kids, many of them working FT. So why is it that so many dads seem to fail so badly to be a single parent eow or however often they have their kids without needing their partner to parent too?

I never needed my OH to help me parent my kids despite working FT in a demanding job. It was my role a d responsibility before we met and continued so. Of course he had a right to say what mattered to him but that's not parenting. That hadn't stopped him growing to care deeply for my kids.

I also think conflict is inevitable when the sm doesn't agree with the way their partner parent their kids but instead of thinking that it is a deal breaker, they believe that they will be able to convince their partner that they are not good dads and can teach them the right way to be do. Some go along with it because they can't be bothered to fight back, others do try to stick to their parenting belief but ultimately it ends up causing damage to the relationship.

I really hope that any woman considering moving in with a new man they have dalken madly on love with consider whether they could share their lives with children as they are THEN and the way their love one parents them. If not, do run away, however heartbreaking it is because pushing the kids matter away, they seem the perfect partner.

There are millions of single parents in the world who manage to raise well-balanced, well educated kids, many of them working FT. So why is it that so many dads seem to fail so badly to be a single parent eow or however often they have their kids without needing their partner to parent too?

There are also millions of people, around the world who live in tents and go without the 'luxuries' we take for granted. They also have the tenacity and will to raise their children. Want to live like that?

Whilst I do get what you're saying, I also think your positioning makes absolutely no sense. I absolutely agree that there are plenty of parents happily raising children alone; I take my hats off to them. Whether they are doing it by choice or because they haven't met someone is something I have no idea about. But equally, the reason that there are so many parents who 'fail' to single parent EOW is because it is a choice they have made. A choice to not martyr themselves to the altar of single parenthood. A relationship has ended and they've met someone new who they love and want to build a life with. And they want to make it work somehow. What is it the fathers partner is meant to do EOW? Disappear? Move out for 2/3 nights?

The choice to be in a relationship and build a 'new' version of their family is just as valid as the choice of someone who decides to remain single and focus on their kids. No one is 'failing'. But your comment gives vast insight into how some parents think. Because you genuinely seem to think that a father should be able to focus solely on his kids and essentially be a single dad when his kids are there. You are clearly implying that the partner should play little to no role in his DC's lives.

It is precisely that sentiment, that is the reason so many SM's find themselves in the position they are. And which is why the OP is having the (justifable IMO) response she is having, which is essentially to some extent 'I don't really care what you think my role is, I'll figure that out with my partner'.

Because as the EW, none of you have any right to dictate what role the partner does/ doesn't play in your kids lives. Or to judge them.

I'm not normally this punchy, but the level of entitlement that screams from some of these posts has absolutely riled me this morning. Your children are not your possessions. They are gifts, we are fortunate that for a period of time, they came into our lives and for that period, we have the privilege of doing the best we can. Too quickly, they will fly the nest and be gone. Children cannot be cared for too much, loved too much, laugh too much and enjoy their lives. As the parent you are not the only one who can fulfil this role.

I for one think more SP's need to take more of a stand against some of the more judgemental/ entitled views of 'parents'. I think I'll start today.

@TooSassy. Thanks for saying that, I can’t agree more and reading your post make the start of my day better.

Ha! Brilliant! My 'choice' to be a single parent being compared to an alternative universe of children living tents? What are you actually talking about?

I am not a martyr or a possessive shrew. I am a human being putting my children first and making up for the shortfall in their life.

I also made a choice to not move any man in with me and my children because I want them to be the focus while these short years of their childhood play out (my choice based on facts not martyrdom).

That's it.

The ex may be cynical as ,remember, she was once the partner of your husband, she actually knows him and his range of behaviours potentially better than his current partner. Having had children and a break up with him. Both situations can be an eye opener into people.

Personally if my lazy ex started to tell me his new partner was an equal in his time with the children and was taking on a nurturing role I would give a hollow laugh. I am sure she may feel this was because they were a unit and they have a right to build their family time this way.

Having experienced a decades of a family unit with him I would know that meant she was now the new Facilitator General to him.

The camp mentality on the thread is bonkers, step mums against mums and now single parents?

The OP and her H don't agree what her role should be. His views are in line with his ex which is the problem here. I'm an xw and can see that the Dad's expectations of OP are unreasonable and the reason why OP feels resentful.

It seems to me that stepmums do a heck of a lot more than stepdads. It also seems to me that there's a large contingent of Dads who have women (stepmums, grandma, aunties) doing caring related stuff that quite frankly Dad should be doing himself- especially if he's the NRP. The forums are littered with stories of Disney Dads reliant on women to cook for their kids or not tackling issues like their children's manners or a regular bedtime until their new partner (rightly) points it out.

Nobody is suggesting that new partners disappear but you can be a loving adult in a child's life without doing as much active parenting as the parents.