A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

And while I’m here I am sorry for all of the zombie threads I’ve dug up and freaked people out with.

I did not know they were old- the threads were just “there” on my phone. I’m new! I’m new! Just be polite and say “hey did you know you’re doing this?”

Because I clearly didn’t! I’m SORRY.

A lot of SMs on here are right, being a SM is very demanding even EOW, and the issues are complex.

I’ve been a single working parent, a married parent, a parent of severe special needs and a step parent. Hands down the SM role is the toughest and least fulfilling. Why? Because like many others, I have zero support, animosity from the Ex and resentment from the kids I cared for. Not an attractive place to be!

There are a lot of pretty harsh accusations to SMs on this thread, particularly on why an SM gets involved in a parental role on the first place.

The one that a lot of non SMs never seem to acknowledge is that many of us SMs get involved in parenting because the kids need it. There is a lack of parenting. I think this is uncomfortable for many parents to admit, as it reveals their own shortcomings. Obviously that’s not always the case.

However it was in my case. I didn’t do it to impress DP that’s for sure! He’d rather I just be a contented sideshow. My DSDs had a mother who liked to be seen as a parent more than she wanted to be one. It’s totally natural to cook for kids in your care, help house them, help them, look after them when they are sick. Even if they don’t like you doing it. It feels neglectful not to.

Appreciate your thoughts @Bananasinpyjamas11 and reflects my sentiments very well. Thanks for dropping by and providing some balance. I never intend(ed) to step on their DMs toes but if there is clearly a gap then naturally as a "part time parent" you do step in and try to fill it. Otherwise the child loses out. I'm probably not allowed to call myself a part time parent though.

But isn't it like this candle thing they talk about when introducing a new child? Three candles symbolising two parents and a child, when another child joins (as a baby or adopted) another candle is lit and all candles shine just as brightly. Why not accept the SM in to the extended clan as the extra candle and see that even if her light shines brightly it doesn't dim that of the bio mother or father, merely adds to it. Surely this applies whether it's cooking pasta bake, taking kids to the park or god forbid attending school plays or parents evening. Sorry, I'll go back to my counselling sessions now...

Also to add to @Justcallmestep I assume when you said you wanted to be part of parents evening etc to contribute towards important decisions, I assume you mean as I would - that you want to be part of the discussion stage of things because you are an integral part of the child's life, you watch the child growing and therefore you have valuable input...but that ultimately you would defer the final decision to the biological parents.

To an extent DH and I do this because often the "final" view he shares with his ex is a view we have formed together, as you would in a married partnership where our life decisions impact on the other...but the final amalgamated view is presented to his ex as his view and she doesn't necessarily realise what part I played in forming that opinion.

Maybe if your partner allowed you to be a part of this in an internal level and then presented your joint views then you might feel more you are playing a part? That's the only option open to us because the ex is opposed to anything that has come from me or involved me.

After that rant...she would benefit from therapy. There's clearly a lot of stress coming from her situation.

The patio comment sent me over the edge

You know who made that comment don't you? It wasn't me.

Most of the stepmum issues here are as a result of your DH/DP. I realise it's hard to accept...but that's what it is. Either him lacking a backbone or being able to assert himself and stand up for you.

Much like in having an affair...the OW gets all the blame...here it's the Ex W or ExP.

It’s not you. And until you’re in it- i’d Love to see what you’d do.

Of course it's not me...It's not anyone else...hence posting on a world wide forum.

You won't get people agreeing with you...that's the benefit of different POVs.

If you narrative is only agreeing or liking opinions similar to yours...then good luck with that.

Bottom line is if you step on the toes of the child's parent...oe do something that's perceived as such...it won't help you.

A pp mentioned not parenting and doing fun things like climbing with her SC...that sounds like wise advice... and fundamentally..it's working for her.

Sandy- yet again I don’t understand where this just agreeing with similar views is coming from.

AGAIN if you look at my OP it asks about parents evening. And what did I say?I GET IT. I have understood and I get it.

And if you think someone would benefit from therapy - try writing it in a way that sounds like you’re offering advice.

The patio comment I didn’t say was you. I know what caboodle meant.

And re stepping on the toes of a parent- what I’m ultimately getting it is it’s WHEN THEY think their toes are being stepped on.

The sooner the world realises that everything isn’t a disney movie- and when people are in SERIOUS relationships with others - the mothers have to accept as well.

Not to be told “ I don’t understand why you’re at my sons assembly you’ve ruined the experience for me”

Boo fucking hoo. I am not here for YOU I am here for HIM and at my DP expectation. And because I want to. So she should keep her opinions to herself.

Caboodle- yes exactly. I think for me parents evening was just one example of a number of things where I’ve felt shunned to the side. Partly Dp and partly the ex. And it becomes when is enough enough?

Especially when he has issues if I go out and do my own thing if his dss is around. That isn’t ok.

Parenting isn’t about legalities or blood it’s a act of duty that anyone can have. You get shitty parents just as you get great ones.

Bananas- exactly- and it’s good to hear that from an all rounder! Hats off to you.

If people truly take a step back and ask them why they feel the way they do about step mums- it will always come back to THEM. Because they fear another woman is taking over, may get More love than her, nay enjoy the company more than her. Whatever it is- it’s not about the kids. It becomes about them. And occasionally you’ll get the parents who get it bang on (hecky peck) because they are not selfish and put their kids feelings first.

Caboodles - do let me know how your therapy goes - the therapist will probably say it’s understanable and won’t know why you’ve rocked up.

Justcallmestep your anger and entitlement screams from every post. I struggle to see a good ending for anyone here. You can be intransigent and demanding but fundamentally have no control of your partners ex. You disregard and disrespect her, and life will get harder for everyone - children, your partner and you. You are adamant that she just needs to suck it up; unfortunately for you so do you. She holds the better deck.

But it's not actually all about you & her - your partner has given you a pretty clear message that he wants to parent with, well the children's mother, their other parent not you. That's an issue you can resolve. How depends on your appetite. Just don't expect the ex to change her view or position because you demand or expect it. Or indeed your partner does. Why would she?

For the record I'm the 'bitter & twisted ex' but really emotionally ex's partner is an irrelevance to me; aside from her relationship with my children. I can assure you the issues I have with her interference in my children's lives are nothing to do with insecurity on my part or a fear that my children somehow prefer her or the life they have with their dad that includes her - it's 100% because she's an utter idiot. Her values, morals and way of life are alien to me. And not influences I'm prepared to merrily accept on my children.

She doesn't get a free pass to equality with me because she bakes a good fairy cake and irons their school shirts. More fool her tbh. So desperate to play happy families that she picks up the wife-work in a house that isn't mine and expects me to be grateful. Pretend we are some extended family, with parity. As if!!

hi @PinkGinny, the bitter and twisted ex! Thanks for describing your ex's new partner as 100% an utter idiot. That lays the cards down nicely. Now isn't it interesting that when a SM says the Bio-mum behaves in an "idiotic" way, it's being unreasonable but when the bio-mum says similar of the SM it's all okay and legit.

"More fool her tbh" and "desperate to play happy families"?? Count yourself lucky that this woman, idiot or not, is prepared to iron your kids shirts, bake them fairy cakes and take on the output of a failed relationship. I just find this attitude outrageous. What's the deal here? You'd rather he dumped her and got back with you? That he'd find someone you approve of? That he'd find no one and live life in unhappy solitude? That he doesn't see the kids and they are solely yours? I'm not really sure I get this. Why is there so much resistance to allowing the new woman in to your life? When your relationship ends, whether it be your choice or not, you allow your child to potentially be exposed to a new person. It's up to you to try and make it positive or not.

I sit here and wonder if I'm the "fool" for "trying to play happy families". And I know I'm not because I've made a positive impact on a little boys life. But reading the posts here just sound so harsh and like there is no point in trying. I actually had to seek quite a lot of help from other parents in the early days to see whether what I was doing was right or not. My actions aren't founded solely on a whim.

You ARE an extended family. Like it or not if this woman stays in your ex's life she will have impact on your child. If her morals are so alien why don't you sit down with her (and just her, not with your ex) and explain how you'd like her to support your parenting? There is history with the ex but none with the new woman, so why not give her a chance? One day, when your kid gets married, don't you want to be able to sit at the top table with your new partner and the ex and his new partner and put on a united front to support your child? Isn't that what the children of broken marriages would hope for?

I had a really interesting moment with DSS last night, and I'll spare you the details but it involved him saying some fairly graphic things that presumably his mother had put in to his head regarding how much DH hates her. Now, that's fascinating. We have an absolute 100% rule that we will never EVER ever ever say a bad word about DM in front of him or where he can hear. There is never even a tiny little twitch in the voice about her, we never talk about this when he is in the house. There is no way that we would have ever said what he said. Ever. About anyone actually. But she's obviously(?) reinforced the message that she is hated by DH and maybe also by me. She's also reinforced the message that DH will start a new family and forget them. That he won't love them as much and he won't support them. What mother tells her kids this?

Why am I telling you this? Because stepmothers get in so much shit. It's just assumed, like Ginny did with the EXs new partner, that they are somehow out to get the kids with shit morals and idiocy. Maybe Ginny's ex's new woman is, who knows, but it seems everyone is tarred by the same brush.

These poor kids tell you this stuff because they haven't learnt to filter things yet. But each time YOU as a mother put up a barrier to the SM being involved your children will take notice. They will wonder why you are blocking the new person out. If you continue to do that (assuming the other person is half decent) eventually you'll be shown in your true colours.

Why not develop a relationship with the new woman so that your family functions better? The new woman isn't necessarily a disposable part of your life, and saying she's emotionally irrelevant is somewhat short sighted.

In my case the meeting with the ex has never happened. I suggested it, she said yes, but then told me she never wanted to speak to me again before we did it. I have been so heartily insulted by her over text I wouldn't ever risk sitting down at a table with her in person because I can't take the emotional battering. I've honestly not been so comprehensively insulted since I was at school. I just don't understand why SMs aren't given a chance. There's so much room for positivity and it's just crushed.

Pink gin - apologies if I am coming across angry and for the goodness knows how many times I am not demanding - I asked a question if it was unreasonable to feel this way and to have had an expectation. Parents evening I got. And I’ve had to suck it up. Along with a thousand other things - yet when it came to the assembly she should have to deal with that too. I’m not saying to her about all my situations etc and I’m certainly not reeling off to her the things I have to deal with. I’ve sucked it up.

I’m sorry to hear that your ex’s partner is an idiot. And if she or any other partner is an irrelevance to anyone what’s the big deal then? Whether we are at assemblies or not. It’s not about playing happy families it’s aboyt dealing with the cards you’ve been dealt as best you can. For everyone.

And we are part of a family now. My dss is part of my family. My family treat him just as they treat my other nephews when they are around and he seems ever so happy with that. And that’s all that matters.

Just like he has a step gran- she’s very much involved.

Oh and @pink god help indescribed the mum and bitter and twisted for her feelings. It seems that it’s fine to label the SM as this- when perhaps the mum is actually the bitter and twisted one?

I would put my money on that the problem with the assembly was made into a big deal because of your husband. He probably nodded along to her saying that she would be uncomfortable so set her the expectation that you wouldn't go. Obviously he should have told her that you'd be attending and facilitated a meet up. He's made you look over zealous as he hasn't done his ex the courtesy of informing her that you'd be there and probably told her that he'd asked you not to go but you insisted.

Your husband is the problem here. He could easily advocate for you looking after ss when Cm is sick but is choosing not to for whatever reason. My guess is that ex is unaware of how much you do and naturally assumes that Dad will be doing the majority of parenting. It sounds like he is having you do too much and his insistence that you're always there is bizarre. If the 3 of you were a family, it would be perfectly normal for him to do stuff with dss alone while you did other stuff. Ex may assume that you are too involved because of this unnatural setup and may assume you rather than he is the problem.

pinkginny I’m normally the measured one on these boards who tries to see things from all perspectives. I am a Mum and also a (non official) step mum.

I don’t see any anger in justcallmesteps posts. I hear frustration and justifiable outrage at some of the posts on here. This is another thread that has descended into a non supportive thread. Your last post is however filled with a very nasty bitterness to it.

I am saddened but not surprised by your commentary on the SM in your DC’s life. More fool her for ironing his shirts and baking him cakes? I don’t think she’s a fool. I think she’s doing things to support the man she loves (your DC’s father) and also doing kind things your DC will remember. How does that make her an idiot?

By that measure I too am an idiot. I wash and iron my DP’s DC’s clothes. I bake cakes. I make them food. But if caring for a child and showing love in that manner makes me an idiot then I shall happily and proudly where my village idiot hat.

And stay firm in the fact that I have done the best thing ever by not being a Mum like you.

You will not be able to control who comes into your DC’s lives. They will have people around them with different values, morals, opinions. Just because they are different to yours it makes theirs no less valid. It’s a way of teaching your DC’s valuable lessons, of teaching them to critically think. What are their own value systems, what are their own opinions? They can happily co-exist with people who think differently and turn up differently. It’s called inclusive principles and it’s how future generations are increasingly thinking.

Hi ghost- he told her I would be there about three weeks before. I think when she requested the meeting and I wasn’t forthcoming (as I had suggested this at the start) and I found it weird given we had a perfect routine 3.5 years in. But I think he did worry what she would say to my polite declination. I guess ultimately when I am then more or less asked “why are you here” and I’m articulating it in a way where I am trying to manage her feelings as best I can- some support from him wouldn’t have gone amiss.

I think she knows what I do- she has even thanked me before and said “dss speaksbvery highly of you and thanks for what you do”.

So it’s all a bit of a curve ball really.

@TooSassy thanks for coming along and providing some additional balance.

I also think @ghostsandghoulies has a fair point here and some of my earlier less successful endeavours were a result of lack of communication between me and DH. It's naturally a learning curve. Equally there is inevitable history and I know sometimes when DH lets something drop it's often for a good reason

Boo fucking hoo. I am not here for YOU I am here for HIM and at my DP expectation. And because I want to. So she should keep her opinions to herself

See, this says it all for me. You expect to be part of someone else’s child’s life and for that person to accept you regardless of the fact that the other parent has no say in your input into her child’s life. You expect her to suckit up, and do whatever it is you want and if she refuses, it is fine to mock her, to ignore her feelings, to expect her to just deal with it all whilst screaming ‘in the child’s best interests’. You are literally sticking your youngest out with two fingers up at her and you can’t see it.

Not once on this thread has any step parent stopped to consider that it’s actually OK to just want to enjoy a child’s performance without the added pressure of a new partner (‘do I look OK’, ‘what will other people think?’ , ‘what if she wants to talk and I can’t get my words out?’) or it’s OK to just want ‘parents’ to mean ‘parents’ without having to justify why. And actually, it’s ok to be distressed and disappointed that your ex appears happy, relaxed and sorted, rather than missing you and wanting to get back together (even if you wouldn’t touch the bastard with the proverbial barge-pole). It is, in my opinion, fine to feel threatened, because divorce is adversarial and you are aware that the slightest issue and your child can choose to move house whereas last year, you’d ha e sorted that wayward teen together, now wayward teen gets to play his own hand. And so a lovely girlfriend, however more desirable than a total bitch, is really not desirable at all and dealing with the conflicting emotion around that is hard. Really, really hard.

And ‘child’s best interests’ means nothing if said child realises the tension exists, or if mum bursts into tears later in the day and never actually says why because she knows she can’t heap her emotions into her child, or if said child is on tenterhooks because mum and dad in the same room means fight club. And that’s the same child who will happily tell you he wants you there because he’s kind and thoughtful and wouldn’t want you to feel bad but who actually spends weeks worrying about it and how mum might react and whether or not he said the right thing.

Children of divorce are frequently pulled in a million directions by clueless adults seeking to validate their own emotions, feelings and needs. We’ve all said stuff that has hurt them despite our best intentions and at some point they will throw it back at us. They need one, just one, of the significant adults in their lives to recognise the difficulties, the competing emotions, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. Because that one adult can make sensible choices where the rest are too caught up on their own shit to see the wood for the trees. I have always worked hard to be that adult for my children - but my ex is a twat and the boundaries of good and bad are pretty clear - and have sucked up the shore and ignored the provocation. Doesn’t make my ex’s behaviour and that of his girlfriends right. Nor does it mean that I don’t want parents to just mean parents or not have to deal with the girlfriend at events.

Sad thing is, it’s not enough for them and they won’t stop until they have pushed them away altogether and get to start screaming parental alienation.

Hey sassy- I’m glad somewhere in amongst all this you’ve managed to figure out I am not angry. My partner has not had girlfriends come and go in his sons life. It’s been me- and theee years plus down the line I’m still just doing what is common sense to me in this situation.

That more fool her comment- oh whatever - she gave herself the bitter and twisted ex title - and it shows. I’ve no time for those comments. And as a parent - Christ knows what she’s setting her kids up for.

I see myself as a mix of things - a guide, a friend, a carer, a teacher. Roll all that up into one and here I am. The step parent title exists. I don’t have a legal right. I don’t have the blood line. But does it stop you from feeling?

Would you be there to support your best friend in any situation? Of course you would. Do I try and keep him on the right path when there’s little wobbles - absolutely. There seems to be very little respect for this role. And I pity the children who’s parents can’t see the bigger picture and let their feelings get in the way. Like pinkginny.

I am here. I am present. I am involved. And when my partner wants me there and my dss is happy I’m there- that’s all that matters.

The mother means nothing to me. Her feelings she can manage herself - unless she wants to meet with me and chat to ME. I can help reassure her. But don’t question why I’m at an assembly and at the end say “thanks for everything you do he speaks very highly of you” that itself speaks volumes.

Some of the comments on here are quite sad. Some- I wonder if they go around speaking this way to people’s faces? And if they do- my what a sad world we live in.

I’ll continue to do what I do- give him love, affection, stability. I’ll continue to say how lovely his days out with his mum sound. Help him when he’s making her Christmas cards if he needs me to - and when we bake if he wants to take some home for his mum- he can.

And if that’s interpreted that I’m a fool or this or that- well. Let’s hope she doesn’t enjoy my baking- because god- she might think I’m trying to take over her whole being.

YABU

You're not his parent. You're his parent's partner. You're massively overstepping your role. You have NO legal rights or responsibilities over this child.

When your stepson comes to your house, he's not coming to see you, you just happen to be there.

If you and his dad split, his dad will continue on the same visitation schedule and you could possible never see him again.

You have no access to his school or medical records except those his parents give to you.

I'm a stepmother myself, but I'm gobsmacked that you thought you had equal status.

Sandy - re you never really see step dads having this issue. It’s probably because they just suck it up and get on with it.

Colditz.

And what if we live til the grand old age of 99 and stay happily in love? How about some positivity?

And sorry - i would be ever so grateful, and if it’s not too much trouble - that you read my original post. Kindly point out where I’ve asked for equal status.

As a step mother - you want to try and give yourself more credit- or maybe find a different relationship as I certainly didn’t “happen to be here” I chose to be here. My partner chose to be with me. God what a life- happening to be there. Simply existing must be a sad life.

What on Earth are you on about access to his school records or medical records? Are you replying to a made up post in your head?

I genuinely have no idea where you are going with this- maybe find your way back to the start?

And gobsmacked? I mean- are you actually gobsmacked? This seems ever so dramatic are you a parent in step mum disguise? You sound like it.

As a side note - your username suits you. Nice trait you’ve got there.

Oh really. Thanks for honing I’m on the part where I’ve said suck it up.

What a load of rubbish!! I was there for my DSS not to deal with ex feelings of how I make her feel. I’m not sitting there reeling off how I feel- I said I was there for him!

So I had to suck up that situation and be the better person. And your “do I look ok?” What’s this got to do with dss? Stop thinking about yourself and focus on why we are all here.

And again- you’ve used the term threatened. That’s all it boils down to. Let it go.

What you’ve written is all around emotion. At times this has to be parked especially where the kid is involved.

I apologise I’m not a bitch. Not quite sure where my life went wrong.

Ok, I can see that massive emotional reactions are part of your communication style, but you need to tone down the outrage at being called out on ridiculous bullshit, or you're going to find this website upsetting.

Good luck with that.

I just don’t bode well with your style that’s all- as in rude.

And incase you’re wondering how I got there :
Massive emotional reactions - whilst subjective I hardly say massive.

Outrage? Another dramatisation from you there.

Ridiculous bullshit? - aggressive.

Somewhere in these threads you may have read I have a thick skin- so luckily for me whatever. The world keeps spinning.

Maybe a development point for you- think about how you write what you are trying to articulate.
You might come across less obnoxious. Unless of course - that’s who you are.

As I genuinely have no idea what your first post was about.

I didn’t post here to be understood - I was trying to understand.

Good luck with just “being there”. Sounds like fun!

Boo fucking hoo
Mother's have to accept
Scared that they love you more; have more fun
Want him back
Want him to stay single and miserable for ever

Can I call full-house in the bitter and twisted ex game? I am far from bitter and twisted in real life; but knew that would be thrown at me so got in there first, the irony of ' ... ' clearly didn't come across.

You are angry. You have placed yourself on some pedestal of wonderfulness, convinced you can do no wrong, that you have after three short years earned the right to your place at the table - by dint of what? And that the mother (who by all your comments sounds fairly conciliatory and reasonable) has asked you once to respect her boundaries around school events and you are banging on about your rights and her needing to suck it up.

How arrogant that you feel as she wasn't prepared to meet you 3 years ago (possible saw no need that early in your relationship with her ex / was too fragile) she has had her chance and you will only meet on your terms - that is alone, without the common link, the father of the child I the middle of this. That is utterly unreasonable; it gives her a clear message around the level of importance you place on you. Why would you need to reassure her about anything? She clearly broadly accepts you and your role in her child's life - she is only asking you do give her the same courtesy.

Right on cue as well the suggestion that I am setting my children up for some hideous, unspecified trauma in the future due to not accepting unwaveringly the influence and input of a woman (who was the OW to be clear) who over the last 5 years has confirmed her idiot status 100 times over, who I am not prepared to co-parent with. Mainly as she isn't a parent of my children plus her approach to life and parenting is so far from mine it would be futile to even pretend that there is a middle ground.

And more fool any woman who picks up the drudge work involved in caring for their new partners children - allowing their partners to continue to skip through life minimally impacted by the inconvenience of the children they choose to have and suddenly find themselves having to parent and care for. Being in possession of a vagina and boobs doesn't make you uniquely qualified to iron, do craft, childcare, school lunches, laundry, tidy rooms, clean bathrooms, nit comb hair and all the other mind-numbingly dulls parts of looking after children. Nor would I be with any man who required me to do the same to 'support' him. I am pretty sure my children know I love them even though I don't iron their school shirts.

Sassy - could you clarify your 'mum like you' comment? I am intrigued as to what you think that actually is... I am assuming not a positive comment on my three independent, thriving, happy, loving, funny and sometime pain in the arse children.

Ohreally - makes a very good argument; for more eloquent and from an entirely different perspective. Has it made any of the step-mothers stop and pause at all? Think perhaps their 'rights' don't trump all?

Ohreally I thought your comment was really honest and insightful.

Based on your latest histrionics I can see very clearly why she didn't want to meet you alone...