A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

This

Arrow fail. (agreeing with post above)

Because as the EW, none of you have any right to dictate what role the partner does/ doesn't play in your kids lives. Or to judge them.

The partner ends up being judged because what they do/don't do is usually related to what the Dad does/doesn't do and the xw has a right to judge the latter.

Opal, My post makes complete sense and I am not in anyway setting a camp up against single parents. That's your take on it which it fine. I am taking someone else's statement re single parents and them using that (implicitly) to judge the parents who are not opting to single parent.

I respect your choice, absolutely and I respect you for making that choice. But I also respect those who have made the choice to move a partner/ wife into their home and introduce that layer of complexity into their kids lives. I don't think the two should be in anyway compared...this is akin to the SAHM and WOHM camps. Or breastfeeding/ bottle feeding camps. (Neither of which should exist IMO Fed baby = happy baby = happy parents = happy home)...
No one has a right to judge anyone elses choices nor impose their views onto anyone else. We are all doing the best for us.

And that is what I am saying here.

Also - I think that when we look at our ex partners and assume we know what is happening, then we are also falling into a trap. I am not the person I was in my marriage - my divorce has forced me to look at myself and make changes. My partner is not the same person he was in his first marriage. There are some people who are capable of change. There is also the very real reality that (perhaps), we did not bring out the best in our ex partners. There is the possibility that they are with someone to whom they are better suited. I think it is incredibly arrogant to assume that you 'know' what is happening in his new family unit.

I also think it shows an unhealthy level of emotional attachment. I couldn't give a monkeys about my EXH relationship dynamic, who cooks, who irons. What happens there consumes absolutely NONE of my brain space; for those EW's with whom it does, theres an emotional tie that hasn't been cut.

I also take huge issue with this generalisation that SM's do way more than SD's. Says who? My DP makes lunch for all the kids (more often than not). Sorts the food shop. Tidies up. For a period of time when I was very busy at work and he had more flexibility, he did the morning school runs for my DC. We work as a team and whatever needs doing gets done, between us, as a team.

If my EXH has an issue with that, then he can step up and pay for a nanny to help in the mornings. But wait, he doesn't. Because this angst about SM's is not replicated (as far as I can see) with SF's/ Fathers. He equally could not give a monkeys as to how the division of labour/ parenting is done in my household. Nor should he, he's boundaried. It's my house and my time with the DC. If he tried to impose a fraction of what is on this board, he'd (quite rightfully) get a rocket up him. As would I if the situation was reversed.

A choice to not martyr themselves to the altar of single parenthood

You say you respect single parents and then make comments like the above one? Are you serious?

No unhealthy attachment. I was with my ex for over two decades, I know exactly the way he views and uses the females around him that will allow it.

We were talking in this context about him giving 'equal' status to a new partner, yes I know exactly what that would mean for her and I said I would give a hollow laugh, hardly a huge expanse of my headspace is it?

You may call that arrogant, it's up to you, considering I know all the people involved I may have the better idea?

Sounds like you have a more equal set up, that's great.

Did you infer from my post that I think single moms (in general) do more than single dads (in general)? If so, then yes that is correct. Obviously there are exceptions to every rule but in general the resident parent single mom carries the day to day care of the children plus all the admin that comes with them plus work etc. You don't have to look far to see that is the truth and expectation(in general).

The earlier point being that is the mother can carry the can for 10 days out of 14 (I wish) then it is odd that the father cannot carry it without 'help' for 4.

I suspect that you don't care about your exes household because he either doesn't have them much or he has a balanced arrangement like you do.

My ex has my kids one night a fortnight (not a quantity imposed by me I hasten to add) so I can overlook his Disney Dad ways. He was not a Disney Dad when we were together btw. If he had the kids on a 50/50 basis I would have a problem with his parenting.

My life as a single parent isn't martyring. I literally have hardly any time between 3 kids and work so the only way that I could have a relationship is if ex had the kids more or the other person was in a similar situation as me and had the same free time.

Do your kids ever talk about stuff at Dad's house. Sometimes they say trivial stuff but there are times that I've had to talk to him and find out if what the kids say is true.

YEs ohreally. When it comes to this, I’m as serious as a heart attack. That comment was deliberately provoking (as I have explained) in direct response to the initial post that seemed to judge those people who were unable to be a single parent for 4 days a fortnight.

Why should anyone have to do that? If someone is in a relationship, why is it fair that to project your expectations onto them? I don’t see how this in itself is a difficult concept? I’m in a relationship. I do stuff for my Dp’s DC’s. Does that mean he is incapable of single parenting. Not one bit. Does it mean he’s incapable of carrying the can? No. Does he have to? No.

It’s that simple. Perhaps more men simply opt to go back into relationships, faster than women. And it has nothing at all to do with their parenting ability and more to do with the fact that they want another relationship.

I have a 60%/ 40% set up with my ex. What he does, who he’s with and how he chooses to parent and with whose involvement has got absolutely nothing to do with me. The people around my DC when with him make them happy and whether that’s my ex doing the ironing and washing and cooking or his other half is absolutely of zero consequence to me.

Does he pick them up when he’s meant to? Yes. Is he a good dad? Yes.

Do my DC come back and tell me stuff? No not really. They talk about what they’ve done and where they’ve been. I never dig or question.
Obviously if they ever bought anything up that was concerning I would pick up the phone to my ExH and discuss it with him.

Maybe I am lucky. But I trust my EXH and trust that he is a good father. Therefore I respect any decisions he makes. I don’t agree with everything but I also don’t think I invented the holy grail of parenting so I have no right to say my way is right and his way is not right.

He also respects that back with me. We turn up to sports events etc on each other’s ‘days’, with or without partners. We also divide and conquer multiple school events/ parents evenings. It’s very rare that we do them together due to the amount of them across all the DC’s. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if his partner went with him to DC’s parents evening. I find them tedious at the best of times, if someone else wants to go along and show an interest, fill yer boots.

It’s different if we attend more important things together as co-parents. For those things, no partners come.

How on earth does deciding that my children's needs are best served by not making them live with another adult make me a martyr!?! What a bloody odd viewpoint.

When they are with me, they have my full attention. We are a tight little family. When they are with their dad I'm enjoying my life, with my partner of 4 years. Sometimes they two combine. Other times they don't. A martyr. I think not. I don't need another adult to support or help me parent my children. I'm perfectly capable of doing that all on my own.

For the record I'm pretty sure their dad would be too. He however has chosen not to, for imho his own selfish reasons. His wants. Not his children's needs.

men simply opt to go back into relationships, faster than women. And it has nothing at all to do with their parenting ability and more to do with the fact that they want another relationship

Hahaha! A good parent is defined, surely, as someone who is able to put the needs of their children before their own wants. I would love another relationship, friendship, companionship but what my children need is a mum who is focused on them, who supports them and who puts them first. Because their father won’t. His wants come first for him. Those wants have a massive impact on the children -and me - because he accepts extremely low quality women into his life so he has regular sex and someone to wash his clothes. Added brownie points if she ‘parents’ and even more points if she’s prepared to join in with him hating me.

So sorry, but men who behave in this way are piss poor parents with anything but their children’s best interests at heart.

@toosassy you’ve made some very good points. I was / am a single parent and I relate to what you are saying, and they are fair issues. My step kids mum has not cut emotional ties with DP, which makes creating a healthy step family impossible. Not every ex is like this, but with kids involved, those who are create sticky, resentful stuck dynamics.

And just to add, my Ex is useless tbh, I worry about his parenting but bar unsafe practises I give him and his wife space to get on with it, and I don’t antagonize, bitch or interfere. And believe me I know I could, I could undermine and stress his marriage - my Ex would be happy to keep up an unhealthy close alliance with me, as he’s no boundaries - and I could totally undermine my sons relationship with his SM by putting her down. I won’t though, and although I find him a pain I want my Ex to be happy as ultimately he’s my sons Dad, and his stability helps him.

Why are all the new women/ step mum, ex husbands or exp pick extremely low quality or worthless? He pick you didn't he?
I've never understood this.

Not sure I follow you Hallowe'en? Generally however when you love someone you compromise and forgive / overlook / wear pink tinted specs. The respective ex's don't. The love is gone. There is history and conflict. That should never be underestimated. But it often is. Actions are not viewed positively or even neutrally but through the lens of that history. I'm due my ex the sum total of nada. And that's exactly what I will give him.

Banana you are right again. But I will say as SM's often justify their more outrageous outbursts on here as letting of steam / they would never say it to the children recognise that when the ex they are railing about on here presents the alternative viewpoint that doesn't mean that they aren't equally capable of nodding along, playing nicely and ensuring their children are unaware of their views on either SM or their ex.

Bananas said that her ex only chooses a low quality of women, but she went out with him too.
It seems that a lot of women have this view point which cause an instance dislike and entailment over the new women.

@PinkGinny does that work both ways? You say that you owe your ex nada which I'm guessing is understandable, but if he's the same to you how do you deal with that?

This thread is very confusing!

I didn’t say my ex only chose a low quality of women. His wife is fine. My DPs Ex is difficult if she does not get her way, and anyone who she sees as competition or a barrier to what she wants. Doesn’t mean she’s low quality, or horrible - just used to getting her way and still loves my DP too I think.

Although I think, maybe I see your point possibly? That the SM / Ex is automatically horrible but the same man was maybe making similar choices? I know DP made a conscious effort to find someone less needy and more independent. That can be a tricky dynamic to walk into.

Of course it works both ways. Why would it not?

And I deal with it by expecting nothing. I'm never disappointed

Think it was Ohreally who referred to her ex as choosing low quality woman. Not Bananas.

Because when one partner acts as if they don't owe you then usual problems occurs.
Lack of understanding and support
.
To be honest it's normal the man who does it first, while it takes the mother longer to get to that point or learn that their relationship together is very different once separated.

What? You'll need to explain that nugget I'm afraid it makes no sense Hallowe'en.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 sorry if I got confused I occasionally do.
I'm the exw and the new women ( not new at all really ) it just gets my goat a little because obviously my ex won't find an amazing women like me again ( jokes) I just don't think new partners are always worse.

@halloween ha ha no worries I think this is a long confusing thread but some interesting points!

Obviously my Ex will never find one better than me either! No he’s actually found someone who suits him better, I made the mistake of thinking he just needed to grow up a bit. It was just how he was, shows my immaturity, ironically. We all decided to have kids with these men so we have to take a bit of responsibility...