A step parent but not a step parent

[Justcallmestep]

Hi all. I hope I’m in the right place I’m trying to find the step parent section. I’m here for some advice as I can’t get my head around something.

I’m a step parent. I’m not the “other woman” I have been with my partner 3.5 years. My step son is 5. I’ve had to adjust to the standard stuff when it comes to step parenting. My choice I get it. My diary isn’t mine any more - it’s my stepsons, my ex wife, at times her families and then mine. I get it. I’m hands on as much as I can be but I’m not here to be the MUM. My SS and I will talk about his mum, he tells me what he’s done, If he misses her I reassure him he’ll be seeing her soon. I try my best. I’m here as a step parent and his friend. He’s a delight - there’s been struggles but this is the norm.

When he went to school it was his first assembly and I expected I would go. I mean why wouldn’t I? He had achieve some points in class and that’s what the assembly was for- to watch him get his certificate. Before we went my OH ex said she wasn’t comfortable and asked us to meet. I said I found that strange 3.5 years in - we’ve met. As in said hello and been pleasant - yes we’ve never all sat down but my OH didn’t manage things so well and it just never happened. I always felt at arms length. Didn’t like it but what can I do? When I said I didn’t want to sit down and talk and meeting for a coffee seemed a bit strange to me at this point in time he didn’t like it. Got really wound up and said his ex wanted it and please. I said there’s been lots of things I’ve wanted him to do along the way and he hasn’t and he should just respect my view and let it go. Enjoy the assembly etc.

I offered to meet her for a coffee if she wanted to know more about me etc but me and her. Not three of us. He wasn’t happy.

We went. But i knew he was off. After the assembly - which was a delight to see. Afterwards his mum came up to me and said she’d like the three of us to sit down and talk roles and responsibilities. I was a bit confused by that and asked her what she meant. She said she didn’t know why I was a the school and I ruined the experience of her sons assembly. I said I was sorry she felt that way but I was here for him - I’m involved, we have him 2-3 nights a week - and why wouldn’t I come and see him? It’s important I am part of this and I want him to know I’m in this.

I said there were different lenses on all of this - her as a mum, me as a SP and my Oh as a dad. We all have our views but what’s important is her son my SS.

When she said I ruined the experience Andy why would I even be here I expected my OH to step in and say - I don’t know. I am here because I’ve earned that right. I’m involved. You can just shut the door here and that’s that. It wasn’t a great situation.

Sometimes I feel whilst I may be 2nd, 3rd, 4th - and yes ok it’s my feeling - I wanted to hear him say -“she should be here”. That stung.

Parents evening - I don’t get a look in. There’s the option for 2 appointments and my initial thought was we’d just go. Just because I’m not the biological parent doesn’t mean I don’t do the things my OH does.

Again- my feelings - I just didn’t get it. I’m ok to do things on his terms - but when it comes to what could be construed as the important stuff- step back please.

When he’s been ill- and I’ve been the closest one to help- a million calls take place behind the scenes to ensure the immediate family can help- when I’m free and 10 minutes away. I just don’t get it.

Parents evening I’ve come to accept. But it’s been hard.

I was invited somewhere the other week and my oh didn’t want me to go as he had issues with “people” going. I said look this isn’t a big deal and sorry but he’s gone ahead and done things that made me feel uncomfortable (and I mentioned the above situations) and he’s got to just accept too.

I then got they’re different etc and not the same. I said exactly... it’s harder that I get the door shut on me when it comes situations i feel I should be at.

If I went out whenever SS was here it wouldn’t be ok. It’s be an issue “but we have ss here” if I planned anything.

Yes I get it! And ok I’m here! I’m in this. Then when it comes to school etc it’s not ok. I can drop off .i can pick up. I can look after him if he wants to go out. But when it comes to important things it’s as if I get a back seat.

I’ve read a number of posts here and there are a lot of parents here that just seem to have this view step parents don’t have a right.

I’m sorry- we do. Especially depending how hands on you are too. Having my Ss has never been a problem - if his mum needs to go away she does- we have him. If she’s stuck for work- we have him. If she wants to go out- we are there.

Whilst she knows im here it’s as if I’m only ok to be here behind my house doors.

Education- it’s important. I can get some parents say it’s important that the child sees certain things - and isn’t it important they see we are all in this? There’s no split and that’s ok.

Anyway last time it was a “I can’t change the past but I can fix the future” and now it’s here he’s still going without me.

Fine I say - I accept that- put please stop the whole “I don’t want you going here or there when YOU feel uncomfortable when I’ve explained how I feel and you just do”.

So that’s where we are at. He thinks I’m doing it to spite him- I’m saying I’m not - I’m doing it because I think it’s fair - he can’t expect it all from me and not give me anything back at times.

I’ve been clear from the start- I’m here to be In this. It matters to me. Not to be THAT woman that is trying to be a replacement mum.

But someone that isn’t the other woman, that is invested in my SS and to be part of it all.

Am I unreasonable to have thought I’d be at parents evening?

So I had to suck up that situation and be the better person. And your “do I look ok?” What’s this got to do with dss? Stop thinking about yourself and focus on why we are all here. And again- you’ve used the term threatened. That’s all it boils down to. Let it go

Sad. Really sad. I get you can’t agree, and that’s fine. But you actually haven’t even tried to see it from another viewpoint and that is why your DSS will end up screwed up. Because your rights were more important than the bigger picture.

Pink- certainly not on a pedestal. God I’ve got things wrong along the way and had to learn. Apologies if i have not listed everything else in one post. Drudge work? Apologies again if I’ve made out my OH doesn’t pull his weight- I don’t recall ever mentioning his household doings. He does his share. We are a team.

Fragile? She didn’t want to be with him.

Oh really did have some insightful comments.

Out of curiosity - do you have a partner (pink).

Of course I have oh really. I often think about it in situations. My DSS is just fine. We get on swimmingly. He knows his mum. He knows his dad. And he knows me. He’s so inclusive of us all. And of course loves his mum unconditionally.

My “rights” have never been more important. Quite the contrary.

Your partner sounds like an asshole.

Elspeth 😂😂😂😂😂😂 for
Which part.

Pretty much all of it, tbh.

He demands you co-parent, but is a coward and won't defend you. He's a bully when you have the audacity to want a life outside the home when his child is there. He acts like a right prick throwing that one Monday drop off in your face. He's mean-spirited and petty to you.

Honestly I hope you're not with him at 99. He'll never change. His son is only going to get older and his life more logistically challenging and you'll be used as a taxi service quite nicely but your partner will never back you up.

When someone shows you who they are, pay attention.

Justcallme it's not all about you. The comments on drudgery were a general response to the earlier posts on the thread chastising me for thinking my ex's partner was a fool for picking up the wife work.

And yes I do have a partner.

Eslpeth- so much wrapped up in one sentence. I never knew asshole could make me laugh so loud. He does need to find his backbone.

And elspeth. I loved your leaving note. It’s so true.

There is no point raging against the facts. It is down to biological parents and their parental responsibility.

My ex is utterly uninterested and rarely around. No matter that I do every single thing for my children. He has parental responsibility and is seen as equal to me.

So no, being a parent is not an act, love and duty may be, but the title of parent does not require it nor can you buy into the title of parent by showing it.

I notice in your posts that you seem to expect full understanding of your feelings from the ex but show no concern for hers.

None of us ever know how life and love will go. You could be the ex one day and dealing with a step mum who wants to assert herself in your precious child's life, I wonder how you would see this thread then.

I imagine being a step parent is very difficult. I think you would do better going for the fun friend angle than fighting forward on the path you are taking, sounds exhausting and ultimately don't see a 'win' for anyone.

The posts on here just show how complex it is. The step family has a big baggage of emotions. @ohreally you summed up many of them from a mothers perspective. And in quite an open candid way. I wish my DSDs Ex had been more honest about her emotions about me, instead she was defensive and aggressive.

There is also the other side. Backing off as an SM brings other problems.

I refused to do a lot of parenting of the DSDs in the end. I then got a load of abuse from the Ex. She was not prepared to let her kids be parented or influenced by me, but she sent them to my home while DP was working. A mother can’t have it both ways. If your kids spend a lot of time at their Dads, who is working to pay maintenance, then a SM is going to be parenting your kids. In her way.

My DSDs are also not that happy that I’ve disengaged too. They don’t realky have the life perspective to see it, but have expressed upset that I’m not the generous and warm person that I once was with them.

So backing off doesn’t make it easier for many mothers either. Just food for thought.

Bananas nobody is suggesting the op should break off or disengage with the wee boy. Just suggesting she respect a boundary his mother and indeed his father have asked for around school events.

Stop demanding her 'rights'; understand that however giving & caring she might be within her family unit that doesn't give her unassailable rights. She demands from but gives nothing to the mother, not the slightest consideration - quite the converse, sentiments of boo fucking hoo & suck it up to a mother who by the op's story can only be described as generally reasonable and accepting. Aside from of course honestly telling the op she found her presence at her son's first Assembly upsetting and it has spoiled the event for her.
For a self-confesses thick skinned individual I'm not sure why this has been so I inflammatory to the op.

I know people weren’t suggesting she totally back off, (or were they?!) but how far does she to ‘keep everyone else happy’?

I was just highlighting how difficult it is. I do have some sympathy with the OP not caring how the mother feels. When you are a few years in and the Ex kicks up a fuss because you dare to come to an assembly, then they obviously don’t care about the OP. I’d be hurt if my DSDs Ex said I’d ruined assembly just by turning up. When I’d done my best by her kids. I don’t think it’s reasonable to exclude the SM from school events, parents evenings yes but not shows etc.

Totally agree it’s not about rights though. Even for parents. We have responsibilities not rights.

It’s tough all round. I get that. I have a boy with a SM, and she has done things to get in my nerves for sure! It’s not easy.

I think you've hit on one of the key points there Bananas. SM thinking she earns respect, gratitude or consideration because she looks after the child in a practical sense. And the mother in a different place, not recognising that reciprocity. The children go to spend time with and be looked after by their father. If someone else chooses to do so that's their choice, for their reasons. It doesn't benefit the mother so why would she be grateful? Same coin but two sides that will never meet.

It depends, if the father is around and able then yes, it’s reasonable to expect him to do it and not the SM. And not to be grateful necessarily. I’ve been cross before on the rare weekends my Ex has my son, sometimes he’s left SM most of the weekend to look afte DS, because if unexpected work, not on in my book! SM has work to do too and DS basically has sat in the corner on his phone. Totally exes fault.

However I think being grateful and actively rejecting are different. My DSs SM has had him Christmas Day and enjoyed the family lunch with him, photos etc. It hurts, but that’s something I do have to suck up. His birthdays she’s sometimes been there as it’s his turn and not me. I wouldn’t be asking her not to go.

ohreally well that’s a very powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I’m a mum, divorced and (for whatever reason) have never felt any of those feelings and as such have never even thought about that perspective. From my POV it matters not one iota what I look like or what anyone else looks like. Im not in a competition with anyone and I know that irrespective of how anyone looks or how kind / beautiful they may be - they won’t be me and me is mum to my DC. But I have a new appreciation that not everyone feels that way.

My experience is that parents (especially engaged parents) have a (understandably) deep bond with their children. If both parents respect that then no one can interfere with it. My DP is engaged with my DC and they get on with him, like him but he will never come close to how much they love their dad. (As an aside, my DP cooks for them, helps with school runs and does a heap more for them so by no means do I think certain roles require a vagina.)

My DC may grow to love my DP in their own way over years but that will come with time. I guess I just have an inate knowledge that the deep parental bond is the same with me and my EXH could be dating a Victoria secrets model and it wouldn’t change how my DC feel about me.

At best I hope that any adult in their lives is kind and has good intent. Whether they share my values or not is by the by.

Oh and my comment re a ‘Mum like you’. It’s highly unlikely that your kids aren’t picking up on that level of judgement. My DP’s EW and I have polar opposite values (she is a SAHM who practises attachment parenting, zero judgement). I have always WOHM and did probably the polar opposite to attachment parenting. Neither is right or wrong IMO, but I certainly don’t think she’s an idiot for being the polar opposite of me.

I just think it’s clear that we have many years ahead of us before there is more understanding about just how difficult the whole SM/ Mum situation is. I wonder if the same emotions/ situations apply to fathers/ SF.

When your stepson comes to your house, he's not coming to see you, you just happen to be there.

I certainly didn’t feel that way when I visited my Dad. I was always excited to see my step mum too. How sad for the kids if they don’t have an engaged step parent that “just happens to be there”.

My step parents have been part of my life for over 20 years and it might be controversial but I do love them just as much as my parents and my parents aren’t at all threatened by that. There’s enough love to go around, it isn’t a competition!

My parents being open and accepting and keeping any discontent away from me has allowed me to have 2 extra, wonderful people in my life without any conflict over whether I should love them or not.

Reading this thread is tough as there is a clear line between the two camps.

As a step parent, I think your role is in your home as care giver but that you need to recognise when to step back.

For example the parents evening (which was in the original post). Step parents shouldn't be there if both parents are involved. By all means discuss it with your partner when they get home, but that meeting is for mum and dad. By saying that you do most of the care work also and should be there then asks the question if those grandparents who do after school care and so on should be there also?

You also moan that people keep mentioning medical appointments, but it's because it's a good example of a similar issue.

many of us SMs get involved in parenting because the kids need it. There is a lack of parenting

A lack of parenting from your OHs) and thats the thing that stepmums* find hard to admit.

That you are with a man that lacks in parenting.

If he's like this with you, perhaps that's why the Ex is an Ex. Because she had enough of it.

You are not wrong on either of your two last points Bananas - but this post wasn't about the mother trying to exclude the OP from events when her son is with his dad and the OP. That is destructive, anyone who tries to do that is wrong and ultimately on a hiding to nothing.

From a personal perspective I utterly accept that I have no control over what happens in my ex's household; I miss my children on those occasions and miss being part of them making memories around special events. I do indeed need to suck that up [phrase of the thread clearly]. I loathe the fact that my children don't get to have Christmas, holidays, special events shared with both their parents. It's sad, but inevitable in these circumstances. It's not about me but about them. Even with the most wonderful SP most children, assuming they have decent relationship with both parents, would rather do those things with their mum and dad. Not whoever either of them happens to be in a relationship with at any given time. That opportunity is removed by the adults in their lives.

Thanks for answering the 'mum like' question Sassy. I don't think my ex's partner is an idiot because of her approach to parenting - one that is very at odds with mine on a practical level. She is however overbearing and controlling - that takes some balancing on my part; and the children's who acquiesce to keep the peace/prevent emotional outbursts/guilt trips. Add in sprinkles of narrow-minded, bigoted, racist and sexist and its is a potent mix. Happily as my children grow-up they are developing a healthy distain for her views and diktats on 'the right way to live'. All on their very own. No poison is dripped by me. That is of course not recognised. It's all my fault for not embracing and agreeing with everything that is said or done at their dad's house.

Unfortunately for both them and their dad it has tainted their view of him - they see him being a different person to the one they remember, they see him behaving differently when their SM isn't around. They are losing respect for him and don't want to spend as much time with him (as he comes as a double act 80% of the time). The SM's agenda controls the house and they don't like it or as time passes her very much. But he's happy so that's okay .

I was going to write a long winded reply to this but actually there is a faster way to write it.

If DH's ex had a stable boyfriend or partner, we would expect that parent to be included in all decisions and we certainly wouldn't veto him for attending parents evening. We wouldn't be upset if he took DSS (or DSD) for Drs appointments.

We would not be impressed if they made major decisions about schooling (as the ex has actually) without our/DHs consent but this is because we/he is expected to solely foot the bill so this is merely regarding the financial impact...but if they made a decision as a couple and proposed it and discussed it with us, that's fine. We wouldn't say it has to be exclusively their bio mothers decision.

We would be hugely relieved DSC have an extra caring figure in their lives.

Are we fools?! I think not

@sisterlylove that it’s my DP that lacked parenting is a projection on your part. It’s the mother I referred to, as lacking in parenting of my DSD. and I did point that out. She sent DSD to live with DP as she couldn’t hande her as a difficult 12 year old. I moved in shortly after. My DP has to work long hours and still paid Ex maintenance. His Ex refused to have her over school holidays.

I've just had a message from HQ saying someone on this thread mentioned me. But i cant see the comments Anyone care to enlighten me Please?

Wow.

As a mother and step mum I can assure you step parenting is the rougher end of the stick-well in my opinion any way.

I do not consider myself to be my step daughters mum but I do consider myself to be a parental figure, after all I spend as much time parenting her as her mum does and this has been the case since she was one.

Step daughter is very loyal to mum but will often ask if I can go to school plays etc. She also rings on the nights she is not here and asks to speak to me after her dad.

In regards to step parents not being recognised as parents, I would have to disagree. Many years ago we had to have a caff cass report done and due to the controlling behaviours of mother which impacted her daughter it was recommended that because myself and my partner have a more stable home life and are more capable of meeting her needs that she should be here 60% of the time.

That said I do not really step in unless I feel childs well being is being jeopardised and even then I go to my partner with these concerns rather than mother.

I do skip parents evenings because well, that's there job. Dad will pass info on when he gets home.

The mother means nothing to me. Her feelings she can manage herself - unless she wants to meet with me and chat to ME.

But.... she did want to meet with you and you declined. Why did you have an issue with your DP being present, when it was about their child? By you wanting just the two of you... it can seem like you want it woman to woman. It's not a fight or competition...It's about their son. In her position..... I'd be weary if you didn't want him there...I'd wonder what you were
going to say that you didnt want him to hear.

Just trying to show a different perspective.

The way you say she means nothing to you sounds a bit off too.

At the end of the day, you need to decide if your actions are getting you anywhere....other than you getting upset. Your DP isn't going to rock the boat with her.

Plus...this nonsense about your DP not being happy if you make plans while his DS is there is ridiculous.

He's failed to recognise that they need one on one time without you. He doesn't live with his DS...then when he does see him you're always there.

He gets his mum on her own...and dads always with you. This is what a lot of stepchildren hate. Never having their dad on his own....without SM or in some cases SMs DC as well.