Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

Since when 'doing the best you can' makes you a good parent when your best is what would make any decent feel the worse?

I think this is how you justify his despicable behaviour. Because he is doing his best (under your command and restrictions) he is a good dad. Well no, he isn't. Your never a good parent however hard you try when ultimately you put the needs of your kids far behind those of your partner, her kids and yourself. That's what he is doing and that makes him a very crap father, worse than your ex.

He pays 176 a month. So why is he paying it all from one week of wages?

I mean. It works out to the princely total of £40.62 a week.

Let me get it right. You are on 20/21K a year now and you are getting promoted to the role where you have rent/gas/electricity paid + 35K. When is that miracle going to happen? November?

It is easier to pay it all out of one weeks wage because then it's on the date agreed with csa. Saves having to explain to csa plus some months he has 5 pay days as he's paid Fridays so it would through everything all out. We no where we stand if we just pay her on the set date each month. Then the other weeks I get the wages for bills.

I get paid the beginning of the month when he ex paid no issues there try again op

@BusyEvenForBee no I will be getting the job where I get paid £20000 a year in November when the assistant leaves. I take over them. I then have to do a minimum of 6 months as asssistant and do their in house course for general managers. So from next May I can start applying for general manager jobs within the company. So from then I can be earning between £35000-£42000 depending on the sites

@Snappedandfarted2018 I'm confused. He's paid weekly, I am paid 4 weekly and get maintenance 1st of the month from my ex.

That makes no budgeting sense because it leaves you short.

@ftfoawygtfosm how are we left short. One week his wages goes on one of his visits to the girls and maintenance, the other 3 (sometimes 4) payments he gets that month then go into our bill account for the bills. But as tax credits get paid weekly it balances and we set it up on a date no other bills come out.

What does he propose to do about his ex withholding access?

Jesus, you just don't want to get it, do you OP?

It leaves you short because you had 53p.

But as tax credits get paid weekly

Thought you were on universal credit?

@ftfoawygtfosm I didn't need anything until Monday when our tax credits came in anyways. It's on a date that no other bills come out. She would be the Type if ex that we could pay every Friday but doesn't understand that one Friday a month she wouldn't if it was 5 Fridays that month and then go csa. Just easier for w quietish life to do it all same day

@ftfoawygtfosm we are moving to universal credit. But I had a tax credit payment today(last one).. but by time it's next due hopefully universal credit will nearly be up and running.

You’re on UC you said. You can’t be getting tax credits weekly.

Never mind the nonsense of leaving yourself, as a parent responsible for 2 kids, with 53p.

@ftfoawygtfosm but I believe we will get qn advance if needed if it doesn't come through in time?

As I said my last payment was today for tax credits as I rang them Friday and today's payment was already processed. By next month it will be universal credit, but will get a advance if needed and I have read online you can ask them for it fortnightly if needed? Although been told people get less an uC is a nightmare :(

Or take personal responsibility and stop relying on the state to enable a feckless fuckwit to lay about.

Shocker I know.

@ftfoawygtfosm it tops up our wages we don't 'live of it.' It tops our wages up a little to help.

You do live off it. Or you wouldn’t have 53p.

@ftfoawygtfosm my wages get paid this coming Friday. It is quite possible to live from pay check to pay check most do. My wages on Friday will be gone by 3rd when most of the bills come out. Then save back partners for the rent on 19th x

OP, do you really believe that it's realistic to go from having 53p in your pocket to having a £35k job with accom and utilities thrown in within a year? It's not going to happen. I promise.

Your DP is neglectful towards his girls. He is workshy. He sponges off you and the state. Do you imagine he's going to be supportive enough to enable you to do the management training courses (overnight stays/late nights)?

You need to wake up to your reality. A useless DP, DSDs who you behave awfully towards. Reliant on the goodwill and generosity of your family. An ex wife who must be tearing her hair out and her shit ex but who you accuse of being bitter. An exH who needs reminding and prodding to give attention to his son....

Sort your life out. Prioritise. Plan. Stand on your own two feet. Stop daydreaming. Stop splitting and then rekindling the relationship. Put the DC first (all 4 of them).

You and your family should just stop subsidising this parasite and the problem would solve itself.