Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

@Gazelda I'm not being unrealistic. When I had just one son I was earning £12000 a year! I have dropped down to £6000 a year at the moment as I'm doing part time because at this moment in time my partner gets the higher hourly wage. However when I go to assistant my hourly will be more hence why he will be the one to reduce to part time. It is possible people get promotions

I live from paycheck to pay check.

I’m not booking expensive trips or holidays and I don’t leave myself with 53p and dependent on a tax credit payment. That won’t be coming next week.

OP- you are exactly the kind of person that makes hard working people resent paying taxes toward the welfare system. You are lazy and a habitual breeder- this would be fine if you could afford to pay for the children you have produced, but you can not. You and your partner work the system to your advantage and are ludicrous enough to think that the majority would agree with you.
There are people in dire situations that really need the help of the benefits system. You are not one of them.

As for your original question- the ex is justified in asking for your partner to pay for clubs, sounds like she's been forced to demand in person or leave bills for him as he is a useless waste of space that will do anything to get out of paying for his child children.

He must have a golden cock.

And what is the plan for establishing more frequent contact with the DD's, OP?

OMG! It's not a room, it's a closet!!!!!!!

OP your life is one long drama broken up by trips to theme parks and holidays. Given the extent to which your parents have to provide for you it's astonishing that he is planning to reduce his working hours.

Why can't she take a new job and he KEEP his old one and then they'd have LOTS more $$?

OP will never be happy no matter what.

At least OP is trying to better herself, surely?

HE is the problem here. HE should be the one out grafting in order to pay for his three children and HE should be the one making effort to facilitate contact with his poor DDs

The OP just needs to financially worry about her own two children. Her OH needs to worry about his three.

Apologies if this has been mentioned in previous threads but is he a fair bit older than you?

There's no excuse for him not to work, he has 3 kids, that's life. When we procreate, we need to provide for them.

Why can't she take a new job and he KEEP his old one and then they'd have LOTS more $$?

Because op doesn't want the ex getting money from him.

He's the problem, but the OP is encouraging and supporting him in reducing his hours and cutting his maintenance because it benefits her both financially and with her career development. That's on her.

@auberbene he is 31. He badly struggles in work with the stress, and he gets bad depression. Once my eldest is in school and my youngest gets his funded hours at nursery then he can go back Upto his hours now, but when he earns £8 a hour and childcare is £4.80 we don't make much extra by the time it then reduces down any universal credits. I have spent hours on the calculator working out what he would take with hours and nursery fees and fitting my hours, it's not a quick decision. It will work out better for everyone in the end. I could use the £40 I was planning on saving each month for uniform and school trips and give to her on top
Of the £56 and then just not contribute towards uniform and school trips. But I don't
Know which she would prefer I could give her the option I suppose x

Here are the reasons dwp use to consider fortnightly payments. Which if these apply to you

drug and alcohol problems
learning disabilities
severe debt problems
living in temporary or supported accommodation
current homelessness
domestic violence or abuse
mental health problem
being in rent arrears or under threat of eviction or repossession
age 16 or 17 or who have left local authority care
families with multiple and complex needs

gets popcorn out to watch more exchanges between Lovelife and SnappedAndFarted

I'm going to read the previous threads.

That room is a closet or under the stairs cupboard for sure. If you can fit beds in there, that's good... but it's not an ideal space for children to sleep. Their bedroom, although a place for sleeping, should be somewhere they can play and move. That isn't ticking that box.

Room sizes www.houseplanshelper.com/bedroom-size.html

It's a windowless cupboard. The only bunkbeds that could fit in there are dolls furniture. The fact that OP has a 3 bed home and still thought putting her stepdaughter in there was appropriate is just awful. It's not like they are cramped in a tiny flat with no space. But a baby needs it's own room, a preschooler needs a castle bed, so stepkids get the cupboard. And actually putting that awful picture online to justify it would be hilarious if it wasn't so fucked up.

I just scrolled back to look at the photo as I was confused- that is a broom cupboard- you haven't put children in the re have you OP??

Why do his DDs need their own bedroom if they're not living there?

Can't they just sleep in your living room? There must be something that I'm missing here.

Thanks for clarifying about his age. I also assume that your OH has seen the GP and is taking the appropriate medication and/or counselling? This isn't fair on you. You're 26 and shouldn't be having to worry about paying for kids that aren't yours.

The baby could go in with brother. Or with op and partner. And step dds have a bedroom

Auberbene what do you think of the cupboard that the stepdaughter was put in?

This is the man that spent so much on fizzy pop for himself that he couldn’t afford to visit his own children.

He chose fizzy fucking pop over seeing his kids.

He is not a good father.

Good fathers - hell even mediocre ones - rate their children higher than fizzy drinks. That’s just basics.

Good fathers also don’t make their kids sleep in broom cupboards or scheme to find ways of paying less maintenance.

Put the baby in the Harry Potter and give the SDDs a bigger room

Even Harry Potter got his own bedroom in the end!

You’re worse than the Dursleys OP!

The fact of the matter is op is deliberately asking her dp to decrease his hours to punish the ex and the girls,they will always be second class and second to her boys.

Me and my dh work opposite each other due to childcare costs like a lot of people I know it what people do or they condense their working days so working longer days over a shorter period.

Also auber my point wasn't actually that they need their own room, but that in a 3 bed house there are ways to accommodate them without putting them in a fucking cupboard.