Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

I don't either. It's cruel and potentially damaging to ALL the children to see such disparity in treatment. Even those who think the OP only has an obligation to her own children- she's failing them by treating their siblings so shabbily.

Even fold our beds although not great would be better than what those girls got. However it would be nice if they had a room to call there own regardless if they have a bedroom at there’s mother surely they are entitled to one at their fathers. It always baffles me when I read on here about my Sm complaining about space and saying they don’t need a bedroom. Ds has a bedroom at his df house which is decorated for him.

HeckyPeck

Sandy would you really have a child sleep in a cupboard when there’s enough room for bunk beds in the other rooms?

I wouldn't put any living being in a cupboard to sleep...but then I don't have any cupboard that is large enough for anyone to sleep in and neither do most people I know. So it's obviously not your bog standard cupboard.

If it's feasible for a bunk bed to be in another bedroom, that seems like a solution, but I'm not sure that room should be empty when they aren't there, while the OPs kids are in one room.

It depends on the ages of all the DC and sizes of the rooms.

My comment re the bedroom was where a pp suggested the parents sleep in the lounge and the SDs have their bedroom.

I think the more sensible thing for op to do isntake the job, focus on her career, and throw the waste of space boyfriend out who will do nothing other than drag you down and waste your life.

I think the more sensible thing for op to do isntake the job, focus on her career, and throw the waste of space boyfriend out who will do nothing other than drag you down and waste your life.

Oooh yeah, then wait for the grand sum of 63p every 6 weeks that he will probably pay toward any shared children. Kaaaaaarma!

Font - the boys are very young (one is a baby). Sometimes it is fine for Resident children to maintain their room while the non-resident children sleep together elsewhere but those times are linked to age (a teen might need quiet space to study game) or need (a child with autism might need their own space for their mental health) Most people would allocate a bedroom for the girls and have the baby share with the parents or brother when the girls visit.

Why is it up to the mum to continually find ways to up her income while the Dad continually finds ways to decrease his (and therefore the CM payable) While OP's career plans will be good for her boys, partner and her, it totally shafts the step daughters. The amount payable will fall by two thirds! Some of that shock could be absorbed if he moved closer to his daughters and parented them while the ex went to work or some other non-monetary solution that has benefits. However OP and her partner are stuck in a thought pattern where the ex wife is a bitch and they are victims. OP has posted lots of times but every time people point out that the ex isn't a bitch and the Dad is a loser who maintains contact with his daughters for the sake of his relationship with OP.

@Lovelife12345
Did your partner tell you about his kids before you got involved in a serious relationship?

Is this really true? I had some sympathy but when I got to the bit about the ball pit and the slide?...... really? No-one would behave like this, would they? I'm really shocked.

I sometimes wonder if the OP is pushing it further and further with each post/thread to see how many people she can still keep on side 🤔

This is such a bizarre thread 😂

I don't doubt that you are a good mum to your children OP. Insults are not necessary but I think alot of that comes from frustration where people are trying to make you realise your partner is a dick for not wanting to pay a higher amount of maintenance or go to see his girls more often.

That being said, it does sound like he's not in a very good place emotionally. Perhaps cutting out work for a bit is what he needs?

I do agree with PP that you must treat the kids equally. All four of them. It's very hurtful looking on and seeing your stepbrothers getting more than you (that includes materialistic objects and affection). It can be very hurtful so please be mindful of that.

Your partner's ex is frustrated that he's not doing alot. He really isn't OP. It's shit really. He really needs to adjust that. It shouldn't be your responsibility to encourage him to do this but for the sake of his girls, maybe you could? What about ringing them every day or every couple of days... does he do that?

And please rethink the bedroom situation. Everyone is going mad over it but they are right. A cupboard really isnt appropriate... neither is that box room. Put the slide and ball pool in there... make it a toy room or something and put some bunk beds in your boys' room. Give the girls a permanent space that they can also call home.

I would like to think you are being genuine but as a PP has said, you have had many threads before, under many different names, and you haven't really listened to the consensus. The consensus being that your partner needs to pull his fucking socks up. It's frustrating for someone giving you advice to see you not only ignoring it but flat out defending him and saying he wonderful and amazing. OP, your partner is not amazing and wonderful at he moment. Not to his girls.

I really hope you can see this. I'm sure it feels like you're in the middle but this is a responsibility you have chosen to take on. By staying in a relationship with him, you have essentially agreed to this. You shouldn't be picking up the slack. He should be pulling his weight.

I just feel it is a waste of a room to put the boys in together full time when they only stay for one summer week at the moment. I never said I wouldn't move the slide if they stayed, I'm just saying there isn't space to put both boys in permanently without losing their toys and that will make them feel
Pushed aside. He does ring them most nights even if it's for 5 minutes as there isn't always stuff to talk about every night (kids usual answe I dunno ha).

Mentally he ha spent years trying to commit suicide and she never gave him the support needed and I truly felt instead of convincing to not for to the police about the abuse (she told me when we spoke that she thought it would be worse) that if he gone he would have some closure. The man has died now and it opened it all back up. If he took time off work compellty we couldn't get by and he wouldn't have to pay them anything. Reducing to 16 I suppose is a compromise whilst I take the burden and work the hours. But this job in the long run in 2 years time will affect everyone including the girls and they will benefit so so much and also their mum as we wouldn't think twice about having money there for uniforms etc. We really can not afford to travel anymore than we do, id we could go weekly we would. I suppose I see the mental things he goes through the police calls. The messages telling me is going to end his life. He does love his girls and at one point he wanted to commit suicide because he felt useless to us all. He wanted to live with me and the boys but then wanted to be back
In his home town: so as much as he has made some bad bad decisions I don't think it's because he is compellty a bad person. I just hope I can get him through the counselling and really help him.
Girls have ready beds whixunis like air beds and they loved them as they had their favourite characters. If we were able to stay in our old house it would have been perfect as we could
Convert the attic rooms into bedrooms like the previous tenants and one side was a play room and the other their room. This was when they were allowed to stay every other weekend. It had proper staircase to it and heating etc they were amazing rooms

Waste of a room and he messages his girls telling them he’s going to kill himself?

Why won't respond to my question about what your DP's plans are for ensuring he gets increased contact with his children?

Why can no one understand that the 'd' p in all this is obviously mentally unstable and not able to be a competent father ?

And two women have chosen to have children with him. Just because you are a first wife who has bred with someone who is incapable of supporting a family doesn't in any way make you better. It's not l bet you all a thousand quid that he wasn't a responsible, supportive , paragon of family life before the first woman decided ro breed with him. He would have been just as feckless then. (and add to that a large dose of mental health issues) why does she escape with no blame ?

In my eyes , both these woman have made shit life choices, by having children with this person and it is both of them who need to look after their own children - expecting nothing from someone who sounds completely unable to manage his own life let alone 4 children. !

OP needs to improve her income and ideally live her own life. The mother of the Sc needs to do the same. The 'd' p needs to get himself sorted out and back to full time work and contribute to both sets of kids with the resources he has. Both women need to accept that they made a bad choice of someone to breed with.

He never messaged the girls I got the message... and I haven't answered as I don't know how plans to improve his relationship he hasn't said. He's focused on trying to sort out our relationship this week
And the boys and is now deciding what to to about girls

and I haven't answered as I don't know how plans to improve his relationship he hasn't said. He's focused on trying to sort out our relationship this week
And the boys and is now deciding what to to about girls

There it is in black and white - his list of priorities. He's a fucking disgrace. And NOTHING in his past excuses that.

@youbrokemytwatometer this week we have mended our relationship and for the boys. He doing whatever for the girls will take time, he needs to decide whether to go court or whether to do this or that. He needs to evaluate and it will take time looking at routes

He won't go to court, trust me - that ain't happening

Bollocks. Any decent father would have gone straight to a lawyer as soon as he wasn't being "allowed" access.

You can't afford to give the girls decent food so how can you afford court. You are just a meal ticket to him!

Op won't leave him. Because she knows exactly what he is. She knows that once it is properly over he will treat his son exactly the same. While she keeps him near she can convince herself that she's special, that her children are special.

Like fuck will the exs and daughters life get easier. School uniform once a year is no help on actually bringing up fucking children. You and him are a disgrace.
To deliberately plan to pay such a pittance towards his children, while he cares for your child. Sickening.

What do you get out of starting these threads OP?
Every one I've seen doesn't go well for you. There are hundreds and hundreds of posts telling you how horrible and disgraceful you and your partner are, and yet you keep coming back for more. It's bizarre!
You're neither ashamed or mortified that people have this opinion of you, nor do you get fired up and fight back. You have an answer or an excuse for everything. Do you get anything productive/helpful from this? Or do you just genuinely like hearing people tell you you're a wicked stepmother? It doesn't make sense why you put yourself in the firing line time and time again. Nothing actually changes on your end so every time you post the responses are still the same. It blows me away!

I doubt it's real. Op is probably bored, and spends her days laughing at the responses.

OP if you'd posted that your boyfriend had experienced abuse and was chronically depressed affecting his life and that therefore you felt that long term, it would help if you supported him whilst he was getting treatment and that therefore he would reduce his working hours whilst you increased yours but also accepted to take on his responsibility towards all his children until he could get better, go back to ft work and being in a position to support his girls again and your common boy AND your son from another relationship, then maybe you'd have got some sympathy.

However all your posts make it clear that your only concern is you and your two sons and all your decisions are based to ensure they get the best life you can offer whilst his girls can get the pieces left over but that OK because everything is their mums fault, something I expect you tell yourself every day just to assuage the guilt that must knock on your door at times because deep inside, you know you don't care about them and deep inside wish they didn't exist. His mum will know that and that's why she doesn't like you.

I agree karma often comes knocking on the door one day.