Ex partners and step daughters money

[Lovelife12345]

I am feeling hurt and upset and seeking advice. I have two stepdaughters who we see EOW. It's been a bit rocky, their mum unfortunately does not help matters which I think is sad. My partner went to collect them from school Friday and messaged me saying 'xxx is upset and feels you don't like her and xxx because you are quiet around them and seem off with everyone.' I do accept I am often quiet but I am working long weeks and with two kids at home. I am so tired, and have last week finally had blood tests taken to establish if it's my B12 again as I physically struggle to get out of bed durn the day. I also remain quiet because I would tell them off for things like hitting their baby brother, or chewing and talking with their mouths open or general misbehaviour. My partner did not like this because he felt we shouldn't be the ones to constantly discipline when they don't live with us. So I have found being quiet is just easier.

On our way home I tried talking to him and he said it doesn't matter we will just forget it. (Already argued about the ex wife at this point) I don't really know what I can suggest.

We only got to visit them for 2 hours as it was their school disco and the ex wife didn't tell us until we collected from school, whilst we also had her messaging saying he was to pay for the school disco tickets as it's 'the least he can do.' She did the same a few weeks previous when he took the eldest to her club that she hasn't paid the £100 bill that term and he needed to when he dropped her off. He of course refused. I am just a little sick of feeling like she manipulates their visits into getting more money out of dad. The last of our change he ended up using for their school disco tickets so I have had to now beg money from my mum to buy milk until pay day next week for our son (we are in the processing of sorting our tax credits out so living of little wages and just paid the csa.) and he knew this.

Then got onto the subject of Christmas. I am buying for the kids who live with us and my family, and he is buying for the stepdaughters and his family. I have finished mine and he hasn't started. He's asked what I have spent and I have said I don't really feel it matters but a whole row started about how it's just a way of spending more on our resident kids. And because we have spent more on the eldest resident child birthday as we have presents but also taking to a musical instead of having a party. I am just tired of feeling I can't treat my children in fear of him having a go at me, because when the ex wife finds out through idol gossip he never hears the end of it.

Why does it all just have to feel so difficult.

It took me a while to catch on that the 'coke' addiction was the drink ... I genuinely didn't realise that you could be addicted to a fizzy drinks. Wow.

You can’t give someone else’s details and consent for them to be a contact for your child.

What part of sharing personal data is hard to understand ? Technically you can give it but the school should destroy it and not use it, and seek consent individually from each person. The best way is to get the person concerned that you want to be a contact to write down their details on the form and sign and date it. But the school shouldn’t use that info that you give them without the ability to prove clear consent on the part of the person who’s details you gave.

Why can't the girls have your room and you sleep in the lounge? Or the boys share, with bunk beds and the girls share with bunk beds?

Gdpr. Came in in May 2018. Changed things.

@SandyY2K I absolutely agree.

In fact, I'm wrong about them having your room, they should 100% have their own room with their own belongings and decorated the way they want it.

@ZeroFuchsGiven so the boys have to share a bedroom? Even though the girls have their own room at their DM's?

The OP is trying. She's not obligated to financially support her SDs. Of course her DH could do a lot more....but the unsupportive comments on here reflect on those posting.

I’m not convinced that the OP is trying. Every time she posts she justifies her partner’s shit treatment of his kids and then goes on to say he’s an amazing father.

I, like many others, have tried to support her on (many) previous threads, but she ignores everyone and continues to support and encourage her partner to treat her step kids like crap.

The slide and ball pits were bought before me and him even for together. And you have no right to say I don't deserve kids my boys are fed, kept warm, clean have clothes that fit, roof over their head and are treated perfectly. My boys have everything they need in life, along with a mum
Who takes them swimming lessons, trips, days our, park, holidays etc. So please judge him all you want for how he brings his girls up but not me and my boy a

Yes is there anyway someone can link us to previous posts to give us a better idea about what’s already been said

I get sent a form every year, and every school trip, asking for emergency contact details for which I fill in or confirm my ex's and my aunts name, address and phone number details. I have been sent that twice now again since GDPR came in.

So why can't you move the slide and ball pit out of the way when the girls come to stay?

Maybe so but the school are still in breach 🙂

OP, it sounds like you are a good mum to your kids. I don’t agree with people saying you don’t deserve to have them.

What I’m really struggling with is how you can genuinely believe that your partner is a wonderful dad?

Is comes across like you think he’s a wonderful dad to your kids, but don’t care that he’s really fucking shit to his others and in many ways enable his shit treatment of them.

I think that’s why people aren’t being supportive of you.

We are judging your partner but you come up with excuse after excuse why he can't help being such a useless manchild. You know full well that if you stepped back he wouldn't bother with his girls. He will also stop being an amazing dad to your boys as soon as you and your family stop subsidising his lifestyle.

I don't think you are an awful person, you sound exhausted and out of your depth. You have to start putting the blame where it belongs, HIM! He is not a partner, he is an extra child who is draining you.

What part of sharing personal data is hard to understand ?

My DD started at a new school in September. I completed the emergency contact details putting my name and my husbands down.

As we both have parental responsibility for our DD, one parent signing the form is all that is required.

@auberbene

Thank you.

OP ... I do feel sorry for You, because you get so much flack from pp here and it's unnecessary. The lack of empathy makes you think these women all have the perfect relationships. Help and support turns into insults and personal attacks. It's akin to the playground bully IMO.

Impractical suggestions regarding their bedroom at your house or lack of should be ignored.

Sandy would you really have a child sleep in a cupboard when there’s enough room for bunk beds in the other rooms?

sandy we will have to agree to disagree. 🙂

Lets get a few things straight here. OP doesn't 'need to provide' for anyone other than her own children!!

Her dp is obviously mentally ill.
(Or he wouldn't be picked up by the police about to throw himself off a bridge!)

On that basis THE LAW says he needs to pay a % if HIS income to support his kids . But hey ! Here's a radical idea. Their mother could attempt to up her income too.

OP - the sensible thing to do is get your job. Take YOUR money and look after YOUR children and pay YOUR bills. Your OP needs to cut HIS cloth according to HIS income. For starters, that doesn't include £600 Xmas presents.

As for the sleeping arrangements , MN is insane. We have 7 between us. For the first 8 yrs the non resident children, who were there 4 days a month , slept on fold out beds wherever there was a space.

They obviously didn't feel too traumatised because they asked to leave their mothers home - where they had their own rooms- to live permanently with us at 12 & 14. (At that stage we converted the dining room into another bedroom. I see no problem with just finding them a space. But ultimately this is for your DP to do.

Just step back and let him sort it out. You don't need to get involved . Especially not with money.

FontofnoknowledgeMyoure just as bad as op I would say majority of posters minus three yourself included is utterly disgusted. It’s clear op has Purposely using the system to ensure she works full time and expecting her dp to look after the children one which isn’t his and therefore dissolving him of his financial commitment to her girls that’s disgraceful and they know full well what they are doing

Oh my word. If that isn't a landing it's definitely a storage cupboard.

The girls don't like you because they can sense that you detest them.

You seem a bit obsessed with money, but money aside it's your overall attitude towards them that's so shockingly bad. Money and how it's prioritised is just the stick you use to beat them with. The core issue is that you don't like that your new, useless partner has children from a previous relationship, and you are jealous.

Those poor girls. You need to grow up.

Font OP cannot take the new job unless her boyfriend cuts his hours and thus his already minimal support to his older kids, in order to provide childcare. Don't pretend the decisions the OP makes are stand alone. She will be complicit in the neglect of his other children.

And re sleeping arrangements- there is space for fold out beds in the boys bedrooms but OP would rather put the stepkids in a cupboard than move a ball pit for a night or two. You are defending the indefensible here.

And re sleeping arrangements- there is space for fold out beds in the boys bedrooms but OP would rather put the stepkids in a cupboard than move a ball pit for a night or two. You are defending the indefensible here.

I really don’t understand how anyone can think this is the right thing to do?

*What was the doctor’s treatment plan?

Stop being a ridiculous man child?*

HeckyPeck expressing my thoughts better than I could.