What would you do?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

It sounds to me like it was left for education of grandchildren but to the parents to manage as they see fit.
It doesn't need to name the grandchildren as the grandparent might have taken into account future grandchildren being born.

OP said that her DHs father treated her youngest daughter as his grandchild.

I’m a step child.(and child Obviously)
I’d wouldn’t expect a PENNY from my step mums side at all ever.
If money was left for step siblings education I’d be baffled to receive it
If money was left to me after my dads death by step mum I’d be baffled (if she dies first then 🤷🏻‍♀️)
Step dad I do expect to benefit purely as he has no other children
He and mum are currently divorcing but he’s still my dad and I’m his closest family
If he had birth children I’d expect nothing

Whitecat, the stepchildren are not legally grandchildren. Trust funds are legally binding. They are governed by strict rules and regulations. They could go to court and try to overturn it but cannot spend the money as they like.

Then @lurpack that does sound very tough.

Yes if the trust fund is just for his own kids, then it should be spent like that.

However, as you’ve said, he has made you all feel that your kids are his kids, that he treats them all equally, loved them all equally, then this will sting. Although, it might not ultimately be his decision. If he does have room to stipulate who he feels are his kids, then it does sound like he has to now declare what this means to him.

If all the kids have been bought up to be one unit, with your kids not having a Dad except your DH, who has enthusiastically become their Dad, then this really throws this into light. Hope you can find a way through.

Whitecat, if that was the case why would there be any conflict? Or are you implying that the Trust was set up for all 4 children but that OP's OH is insisting against the wish of the grand-father that only his 2 biological children benefit? That would make no sense.

I expect it is as Harpingon points out. The trust was established for OP's OH children before OP came into his life. Maybe it is the case that he would have happy for OP's children to benefit to but didn't change it accordingly by error maybe but maybe not.

It's not even clear if the grandfather has just passed away or not and whether there is a will that could shade some light on this.

It does indeed sound a legal matter rather than what OP thinks is fair or not.

It sounded to me as if the trust was not only for OPs DH but also his siblings and their children. So ALL grandchildren. There would be conflict as DH wanted to spend the money on his children only and possibly some of the family money too...There would also be conflict as if the money goes on private school rather than uni there would be a need to give more for the uni..

But I agree that there is not enough detail to understand all the issuess..as far as granddad goes-based on OPs posts I assumed he is eldery with dementia or Altzhimers or something like that so can't specify his wishes.

I agree whitecat the stepchildren will get a percentage and their cousins will get a percentage. It will be their money but their father will be able to guide them / have a say in how it is spent. If it is saved to pay for university then it will give the OP an opportunity to save for her children and her husband could help with this, that would make it more equal.

@swing

The difference between this thread and the other thread is that in the other thread the grandmother had met the DSC 3 times and in this one the OP has stated that the grandfather who set up the trust considered all the kids as his grandchildren.

Also in the other thread the OP wasn’t living with their partner or even engaged and in this thread OP’s DH brought up the youngest child and tried to adopt her.

Very different scenarios.

I’m glad you managed to come to an agreement OP.

@LurpakIsTheOnlyButter

Don't worry about how the application was done. It'll be fine.

I also wonder how she'll top up anything without a job.

Do you have good grammar schools in your area?

If so...maybe your youngest can go there. You said she's very bright...so that would be good.

I advocate good schools and education. The local comp isn't always the best.