What would you do?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

So here we go again: it's all wrong to test the children differently when it's the SMs kids who are at stake to lose out but it's totally fair when it's the step kid who miss out because that's just the way it is and life is not fair (a statement that's actully been written as such a number of times in this forum).

This is exactly why SMs get a hard time, because however much they claim to consider all equal, deep inside they expect their kids to benefit more than SKs when the benefit comes from them but expect to be treated similarly when the benefit comes from their partner's side.

So sad to see such biais here but it explains the number of 'bitter' exes and step kids who don't like their SMs.

@swingofthings again you massively generalise things, the example you gave is very different from OP's scenario. I am sure if it's ExW's parents or the husband's parents offered to cover full private school costs, most SMs won't complain at all.

How is it different? In both cases it is money pit aside by a grand parent and in both cases the family is blended. Indeed, in the other thread, OP was asking if it was right as her and her OH made sure to treat all children the same.

Yet the overwhelming response was that the GM wishes should be respected and the step children should just accept not getting the same treatment in relation to access to education.

In this instance there seems to be a bit of a grey area as to whom that fund was meant for but assume if it was meant for all 4 children from the start, there wouldn't be any conflict in the first place.

Hi all. I am struggling a bit at the moment and could really use some advice...

I have a 6 year old DSD and a 6 month old DS. We have my DSD alternate wknds & some of the holidays. My DH & his ex get on ok most of the time but they do clash a fair bit about various things to do with their DD.

Recently my DSD told her teacher that her dad hits her, shouts at her & tears up her work & she doesn’t like coming to stay with us. My DH does sometimes tell her off but nothing like what she is suggesting. I thought maybe this is her asking for attention because she now has to share her dad? Her mum won’t accept this at all & is very critical of my DH. As a result we haven’t seen my DSD at all this month. We also went on holiday with my family for a week & my DSD didn’t come so maybe she is upset about that? Although she hasn’t said so.

My DH is really struggling with this & emotionally offloads onto me a lot about this & about various other issues he has with his ex wife. Also his parents are going through a divorce which is added stress. I feel like all we ever talk about is an issue he is going through & it is affecting me and our marriage. I feel so selfish though as DH is going through a hard time. I just feels like it’s all the time!

I get on well with my DSD & look after her when she is with us. It is very different to the feelings I have for me DS but I do try hard not to show that. My DH wants to take us on holiday with my family next year but I would rather go on holiday with her separately & have the holiday with my family without her. Is that wrong??

I am just struggling to cope with it all at the moment!

Well done OP. It sounds like you and DH have managed to talk this through and find a sensible compromise. Not easy in such an emotive situation!

RHH02 - better to start your own thread.

@swingofthings because here is a risk that OP has to make financial sacrifice if the bursary goes away in the future, as you would try not to move a kid once he/she is settled in the school or during important period e.g. preparing for GCSE/A level.

However, OP's update partially mitigate this risk if her OH truly stick to his position i.e. only contribute to a fixed amount if the bursary stops. Now ExW is considering her position.

Confused are they your 2DC? Or DHs?
Has he 4 children?

I think the only way to approach it fairly is to divide it equally amongst all your Dhs children. To be used whatever they may decide.

If it’s not your DHs children OP, then no I don’t think you can ask for this money to be spent on yours. It’s separate specific money for DHs children and his step children are not his responsibility education wise.

If you had had children with DH and were sahm, and your ability to provide for all your children were lessened, then I think your DH would then be wholly responsible for your child together and 50% responsible financially for his step children.

However, if the money that you both have and jointly earn, is then used for a new huge substantial cost for his kids which impacts on you financially, then you have a right to have a say here. As you are a unit financially, to an extent.

Just a quick question... what happens if the DSC2 isn’t granted a bursary? Will he continue to send DSC1 and not DSC2? Or will he try and fund DSC2 out of your family money to make it fair for his kids?

Or what if DSC2 doesn’t pass the entry exam? Will he remove DSC1 or will he continue to send them and then send DSC2 to the school your kids are at?

That’s a whole other level of inequality. If 1 child in the household gets the benefit of a private education but DSC’s own full blood sibling doesn’t, does that sibling then get extra money from the trust to make it fair between them?
There’s a lot to consider even before taking your kids into consideration!

If DSC2 does not get a bursary then it will be local school and the money towards further education, same as my DD2.

No one has passed the entry exam yet and it may end up no one goes

So he will match what he is paying for DSC1 for DSC if they don’t get the bursary?

Also speaking from experience - I was a child who went to private secondary school whilst my brother (4 years older and not academic) didn’t.
We’re in our 30s now and he definitely still holds resentment surrounding it. Every disagreement we’ve had for as long as I can remember I’ve been called spoiled by him because of this. It was not my choice to go, I was 11, my parents chose it for me.

My parents have tip toed around him because of this and have bailed him out financially, bought him expensive cars etc yet when I’ve been in financial difficult they haven’t helped me for fear of it causing a divide again.
The truth is my brother wouldn’t have passed the exams for the school I went to, he’s very bright but struggled academically. Practically he is clever and now has a very good profitable career as a tradesman.

One (or possibly two) children being treated so differently to the other children in the family can cause huge strains on the family.

I don't understand why should your DH's family trust fund be spend on your DC if they are not his.
Surely by giving to your DC he will be taking away from his and they will be resentful over it.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend but it's ok for OP to spend her inheritance money on her SC and, by your logic, taking away from her children?

They are married..and a family. OPs youngest daughter doesn't know her father and her step father has been her father all her life..he wanted to adopt her!

But put it another way, would OP you spend money your parents set aside for your kids education, for paying the fees for your step kids private school as well as your own?

I guess you are both spending money on each other’s kids, but generally this is one offs or living costs and in one pot. So for example I’d expect if that money was for a holiday, then all children would go. It’s not the same as committing money to years of private education.

And if he didn’t adopt her, why not? I know it’s hard, but there’s a fuzzy fuzzy line until something like adoption happens. If your DH does feel that your children are his children, then he’ll spend that money equally. It will depend how much he feels this though and that might be at the heart of this.

He was told it would adoption would not be granted if biological father refused, despite no contact, no PR and not on BC. He refused. That is the only thing that stood in the way of adopting.

The holiday cost has been in excess of 20k which I have paid for everyone.

I can't dictate who goes to private school, my DC will not but if his do that's out of my control. All we can do is honestly tell all DC that we (he) provided the same funding for education for all, with the exception of DD1 for reasons explained above. I have expressed concern about potential resentment between DC and can do no more.

There are more ways of being fair than everyone having exactly the same experience.

I think, for me, I would ignore the bursary and the trust fund and focus on the top up which comes from the family pot.

So If your dh was estimating £3000 to top up each of his children’s school fees each year from the family budget for 5 years each, if I were you, i’d be expecting my dc to have a similar amount provided by for when they needed it (i.e. £15,000 invested for a house deposit).

On the other hand if the £3000 top up would mean cutting back everyone’s activities or me needing to up my working hours and I couldn’t put aside a similar amount for my dc because every spare penny was needed to make the top up fees i’d feel like me and my dc were getting a bum deal.

The top up will come from the fund, the other DC will have the same amount from the fund but to use elsewhere, eg university or extra curricular activities. So no top up will come from family budget which is what concerned me most initially without an assurance regarding contingency plans in the event a bursary was withdrawn.

The lines seem to be clearly drawn now as to what would happen and who is responsible for what, which reassures me.

It sounds like there is time until your kids go to Uni so why not agree with your OH that you put some money aside from your own income towards uni for your kids? I think that would be fair -and reasonable- so that they too would have got help.

Although I agree that funding something for one and not another doesn't mean there is a preference. If your children are not interested in private education then they won't feel they miss out. Both my kids would not have liked it and would have seen it more as punishment than reward.

It sounds like there is time until your kids go to Uni so why not agree with your OH that you put some money aside from your own income towards uni for your kids?

Or the kids can be supported in the same way from the trust fund as they agreed....
Why does that bother you?
Would it bother you to know that I support my SD financially, from my income, rather than put that money aside for my own child? or is that ok because step child is "gaining" in this scenario..

@swingofthings here you assume that there are sufficient residual money to be put aside, which doesn't sound like the case, two working parents with average age and four kids to support.

I would ask to see the documentation for the trust fund ( I can't believe you haven't yet) and then post in legal and make sure you are covering your backs. Trust funds are legally binding and you risk being sued if you disregard the rules. If it stipulates that the fund is for his children then legally it cannot be spent on yours. Maybe you should post on Legal as I'm sure someone more knowlegeable will be able to help you.

Because its obvious that the trust was not set in place to benefit OP's children as otherwise there would be no issues. OP has said little about the origin of this trust fund except that she knew little about it and at the start of this thread didn't even know the amount.

There was no mention of concern over what would happen if t be money ran out in the first OP, only that the money going to the SKs only would give them preferential treatment.

There is a bit of confusion any way around that trust. It is indeed very unusual that no name us cited as beneficiary. It's also unclear whether the grand father has now passed away hence becoming available. If so has anything been mentioned in his x will?

Going back to the other thread, the only matter of relevance is what the grand father wanted that money to be spent on and on whom, yet that is the one question that hasnt been mentioned at all here.

I think harpingon summed it up perfectly without the emotional aspect.