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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What would you do?

134 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 21:38

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

OP posts:

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Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 09/10/2018 18:06

I am going to confirm some very outing information now, this is necessary for context.

We have been together for over 8 years and raised our DC together. My eldest DD sees her dad and has another side of the family. Youngest DD has been raised from being a baby as DH's child but is not his biological child. He was going to adopt her when we married but is unable to do so as her biological father will not agree despite being non contact her whole life.

I recently inherited a smaller sum of money and have spent half on things that benefit the whole family including DSC. This has been spent on a major family holiday that we would not otherwise have been able to do and home decoration for all the DC.

Because it is DH who gets to decide how that trust fund is used (it has to be for education) he could split it equally but has chosen not to. It was never nominated per child. It would not occur to me to afford my children an opportunity that DSC didn't get. I pay equally into the household for everyones benefit despite being the lower earner.

DH states if circumstances change the DSC would be removed from the school and I know that wouldn't happen when they were in the middle of GCSE prep etc. So we would have to foot the bill and then my DC not only don't get the same they actually lose out.

I still maintain we cannot afford it.

OP posts:

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 09/10/2018 18:14

Also, it is not an inheritance, the DSC have a larger proportion of inheritance set aside that was pre marriage etc and I have no issues with that, as it has all been clear and discussed. This has not and we have previously all been clear that private school was not an option, until exW secured the bursary.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 18:48

Im not sure any of this is relevant although explain why you're upset. The only matter of relevance is who your dh's father had intended this money to go to. You say it was left to your dh, but are you sure it was left for him to decide how and who it should be spent on or left for him to administer as per his father's wishes?

What does you dh say when you bring up that it isn't fair it should only be spent on his kids?

The suggestion that it should be kept for Uni doesn't work. What if by the time it comes to the 3rd child there isn't enough left? The youngest would lose out and that wouldn't be fair either.

Harpingon · 09/10/2018 19:06

If the money is in trust surely the names of the beneficiaries are noted. Your partner will be administrator but not able to divert funds to anyone other than those named.

Harpingon · 09/10/2018 19:07

In fact if he takes money from the fund it may not be legal?

Harpingon · 09/10/2018 19:36

There will be a trustee and a beneficiary, both will be named. You cannot be both.

floppyearsandtail · 09/10/2018 20:04

The important thing here is who was the trust fund intended for? If it was left for DH kids then that is who should benefit m. You surely don't expect inheritance money left for DH kids to be spend on your children. I really can't see how that is in any way fair.

RandomMess · 09/10/2018 20:49

So if he had said only his DC would benefit from the educational trust would you have treated your inheritance differently and secured it for your DC educational needs?

WhiteCat1704 · 09/10/2018 20:56

There will be a trustee and a beneficiary, both will be named. You cannot be both.

Yes you can.

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 09/10/2018 22:03

The plan was always that the trust money would go on uni and all DC would have a share. We knew private school was not an option.

We have discussed further this evening - the biggest concern for me above the fair/who gets what business was what happens if bursary disappears. DH says that he will make very clear he will pay the top up amount for each of his 2 DC and that exW is responsible for anything above that as it is her decision to send them.

I feel relieved as that takes the onus off us, and I have told him in no uncertain terms he cannot put our financial future on the line for this. I will not have my DC living on the breadline to facilitate his going to a posh school. And that is that!

OP posts:

Tilapia · 09/10/2018 22:16

What did DH day when you reminded him about your inheritance being spent on all the kids equally? Does he see that as being unfair?

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 09/10/2018 23:49

No, he thinks as he brought more assets to the relationship that what I contribute is of less value.

Yes, it's true we have a lot to be thankful for- however I will not ever grovel at his feet for it. It is family money he is lucky to have and not of his making, I have worked very hard to have far less and truly appreciate all of it whereas he is almost expectant that he should have everything he wants.

But then nor does he appreciate that not only do I contribute financially I am the one who is home for the kids when he is at work and I actually facilitate a huge amount of what he is able to do.

I do not consider my input to be of low value in any way and I probably pay more than my share or do more than my share because of pride.

We had a sensible discussion, I set out my position and feeling about it all. Then 3 hours later he made some digs and round we went again. I am actually a little annoyed at the moment because I feel he has minimised my issues with the situation.

Aside from the financial risk, equal treatment of DC, I am worried that we don't share the same values when it comes to the DC. Which is a little worrying after so many years together.

He has backtracked and told me I misheard/misunderstood and that my DC will get a share too which won't go on private school because I don't believe in it and don't think they need it and without financial aid we definitely cannot afford it so that's that. My DC can put any share towards uni as originally planned, pending the actual amount of the fund which we don't yet know exactly.

I was never angling that I wanted more or asking for more for my DC, only that he treats them equally as I do his DC. Because to me that is what being a family means. If it turns out that the money cannot be shared then I don't care, only that he intends to share.....if that makes sense!

OP posts:

indisdress · 10/10/2018 00:07

DSC have a larger proportion of inheritance set aside that was pre marriage etc

^^ wasn't the trust fund pre-marriage too? Was it pre you and your DC?

choirmumoftwo · 10/10/2018 00:12

Aside from anything else, I'm wondering how a bursary was awarded when your DP's income sounds reasonably high? The income threshold is usually pretty low.

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 10/10/2018 00:30

Bursary awarded because exW only has maintenance income and ? Benefit as she doesn't work. I don't know her financial affairs and don't ask, not my business. DSC live with her but spend lots of time here.

DH has stipulated that a proportion of inheritance goes to DSC that was equal to what he had pre us. That's fine and I don't want to take from his kids.

The trust fund is separate and does not name anyone apart from DH as far as we both know. DH chooses what to do with it. If it all goes on DSC then it's still not enough for the school fees if all went wrong. So it's all a bit of a guessing game really. If no one is named then is sharing taking from his DC? Or is it treating all DC equally as I have done with what I have put in to the pot? I don't know.

Just when I think we really have it all together something else crops up. It's not easy this blended family business is it?

OP posts:

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 10/10/2018 00:33

Of 3 adults in the scenario, 2 work - me and DH, one doesn't - exW and 4 DC to support so although DH income above average, it's still very much below what we would need to pay school fees. And it's not that far above average.

OP posts:

choirmumoftwo · 10/10/2018 00:41

Surely his income should have been declared in the bursary application though as he has PR and would be liable for the fees? If his income is taken into account, you may find the bursary is no longer available which would solve the problem as presumably you couldn't afford full fees. It may be your 'get out' clause!

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 10/10/2018 00:45

What???? Really?

I assumed as resident parent with low income that his income would be irrelevant! Are there rules on these things? I feel so clueless.

That opens up another can of worms if it's a fraudulent application

OP posts:

POPholditdown · 10/10/2018 00:52

DH says that he will make very clear he will pay the top up amount for each of his 2 DC and that exW is responsible for anything above that as it is her decision to send them.

If ex wife doesn’t work, how can you (your dh) ensure that you won’t have to pay anything outside of the trust amount, should circumstances change?

Olderbyaminute · 10/10/2018 00:57

Okay in my honest opinion your husband has a really bad attitude and is a horse’s ass in how it seems he treats you OP

Olderbyaminute · 10/10/2018 00:59

What I mean to clarify how he doesn’t understand all you do at home with all the children to facilitate his career. I think a lot of that is going around on MN

Original poster

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 10/10/2018 01:04

DH says the kids will be pulled from the school if the fees aren't met with his contribution.

I actually don't know what to believe anymore. I've just checked out the school website and the bursary application and he would have had to fill it in as well. If he hasn't, exW is fraudulent. If he has, he's lied to me that he had no idea she had applied.

My head is spinning and I feel like I'm a fly in a web here.

I am also thinking DH is an ass.

Which leads me back to my original position of LTB. Because I would rather be honest, on the same page and fair, and none of this is that.

OP posts:

choirmumoftwo · 10/10/2018 01:05

I think it's definitely worth checking the schools policy for bursary applications. It may be different if he was an absent parent but he clearly isn't. Different schools may have different policies but I certainly know of schools who would want financial details of both parents, not just the one the child lives with, before awarding a bursary.

choirmumoftwo · 10/10/2018 01:07

Cross post, sorry.

Japanesejazz · 10/10/2018 01:08

You have 2 children which are not your partners children, they are your children with other men?
Your partner has 2 children with his ex wife?
There is a trust deed in place relating to the education of the children of your partners marriage?

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