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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What would you do?

134 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 21:38

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

OP posts:

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SilverBirchTree · 09/10/2018 01:44

OP, it doesn't sound like your family can afford it. If the trust doesn't cover all the fees, and you're reliant on a bursary which may not last the distance, then you're walking your family along a financial tightrope until those kids are out of school.

I think you need to approach it with DH as a family budget/financial sustainability issue as opposed to a blended family/inequality one.

If your family can't comfortably afford it, then there's no need to go into whether it's a good or bad thing to do.

I also think it's silly to send kids to private school when there is a perfectly good school nearby. Save the money for university or extracurriculars- which will actually advantage the children more!

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 05:52

So last week someone posted about her mother wanting to pay for her kids to go to uni but that she was concerned it would divide her family as her step kids who they all treat the same would have to take loans. Every response was that it was the grand mother's wish and therefore it was right that it should only go to her grand children and the other kids would have to deal with.

Here we have the exact same scenario but reversed and what a surprise that all the responses are that it wouldn't be right for the step children to benefit. Why not? It's the grand father who set up the trust even before the other children came in the scene specifically for them. How is it any different?

DragonGoby · 09/10/2018 06:29

Yes, and there was also a thread recently about a grandmother who was shocked because her new DIL seemed to expect Granny to pay private school fees for her DC from a previous marriage (because she does for her own grandchildren). Every single response on the thread said the new DIL was a CF.

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 07:27

So sticking on consensus, response should be that OP's partner is not unreasonable to say that the money should be used to his children's education as it was meant to be.

Personally I don't think it should be black or white and very much depends on the dynamics of the family but it should never be a case of systematically fair when it benefits the children of the sm, unfsir when it benefits the step children.

RandomMess · 09/10/2018 07:57

I think this scenario is different the DSC are a very well established part of the family and DDad was grandad for all the DC regardless of biological ties!

The trust fund can also be used to help buy a home. Far better use of the money tbh!

I would ask DH that if it were used to help with house deposits which grandchildren of the whole family does he think should get a share???

There is no way I would go ahead when your reliant on the ex to fund a share of it just too risky.

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 08:04

The other OP was also insisting that they made a point of treating all the kids the same as they were also very well established as one family yet everyone insisted that it didn't matter the money was for her children ou and treated the same.

It sounds like op'oh doesn't agree that it was a fund set in place for all children and surely he would know better.

If the fund was set up for education then why should it be used to buy a house?

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 08:08

The question really is when was it set up and who was it expected to benefit then? Surely the only person who knows is the one who's paid the money in?

EggysMom · 09/10/2018 08:23

My parents split when I was young, my brother and I stayed with our Mum (who remarried). Dad also remarried and had two more children with his new wife. This was back in the days when maintenance was a cheque that would arrive late, and shared parenting was a week during the school holidays plus day visits for birthdays ...

Dad inherited when his Mum passed (our grandmother). He spent the money on funding my half-brothers through private school. His older children - my brother and I - saw none of it, it was the local comprehensive school for us. It just felt so unfair.

Please don't allow this to happen, OP. He should be treating all his children equally regardless of who their mother is.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 09:11

@Eggy but this situation is different. You are talking about a half-sibling situation. The OP is talking about a step sibling situation.

I agree with Swing. It is always 'the step children shouldn't have a better life than my children' unless it is my children having a better life than the step children (in which case, it is always the ex's fault for not working).

Redbus1030 · 09/10/2018 09:17

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Redbus1030 · 09/10/2018 09:22

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

RandomMess · 09/10/2018 09:37

Erm the other thread the Grandmother has met the DSC 3 times and they weren't young children at this point...

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 09:43

I agree that jealousy between step siblings is often the results of parents trying to prove a point to the other.

My SS had more than me materially overall, mainly because of my SM rich parents but I've never felt jealous or hard done by.

Similarly, my kids have had more opportunities than their SS but there's been no jealousy. They are close and get along very well.

Magda72 · 09/10/2018 11:09

@swingofthings I fully agree with you re the other thread.
However, my reading of this situation versus that one (but I may have the wrong end of the stick) is that in that in the previous thread I got the impression that all kids would have a shot at uni but that the dgm would 'assist' her two grandkids.
My reading here is that @LurpakIsTheOnlyButter thinks the finances are precarious & that if they go down this route & things go belly up (re the bursary etc.) & family finances have to be used to finish off private education for the dscs it will impact her kids & family life financially.
In that respect I can see where she's coming from as the bursary/trust fund sounds precarious & may not actually free up any family money but rather eat into it.
It sounds to me that they just can't afford it atm.
It does also sound like the dgf is giving the money to the OP's oh & his siblings to spend as they see fit & in that respect it is a little unfair for her oh to decide some kids get & others don't. It would be v different if the dgf was specifically choosing to give money to his dgc. That would be totally his business & his choice.

lifeinpieces123 · 09/10/2018 12:24

@swingofthings I think the scenarios are different, because this one will involve family finance sustainability issues, as they cannot comfortably afford the expenses and the bursary may not be there all the way through.
I agree that the grandpa's money should be spent on the bio grandchildren's needs, and the other children will have to deal with the "inequality". But here is a risk that could drag the whole blended family into financial difficulties and probably damage the financial well beings of OP's children, that I think she is entitled to voice her concern and have a role to play in the final decision making.

jenniferazp · 09/10/2018 12:30

I am a stepdaughter of a family where they all the gc were beneficiaries of a large trust fund , enough to buy houses for hundred of thousands . I am the sgc I didn’t think how outrageous, it’s their family money .

fuzzywuzzy · 09/10/2018 13:20

IMO the money should go to the DSC your DH’s DC.

However, you need a plan in place in case their mums circumstance changes and they no longer get bursaries. In which case it should not have negative financial impact on you.

Currently the money being used on DH’s DC will not impact you. But if the mothers circumstances change then it will impact you and your dc.

You need to work out how that will work, as the mother won’t be single forever. What will your DH & his Ex do to cover the shortfall?

WhiteCat1704 · 09/10/2018 14:26

Hmmm....it doesn't sound like your DH and his ex can actually afford it and unless your DH shows you EXCATLY how he is going to make it work without impacting you and your DC I wouldn't agree to that.

WhiteCat1704 · 09/10/2018 14:29

IMO the money should go to the DSC your DH’s DC.

Hmmmm...why?
I support my stepdaughter financially the way I support my son. OP is married and it sounds like they had the "children of the family" scenario going for years..and now it's suddenly not the case.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/10/2018 14:31

Please don't allow this to happen, OP. He should be treating all his children equally regardless of who their mother is.

@EggysMom I would agree if they were all his DC but they aren't.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/10/2018 14:36

Does OP financially support her SDC equally as her own DC?

There are always slight inequalities in blended families, it’s the way the adults handle it that ensures the DC aren’t bitter about it.

The DP clearly had his inheritance earmarked for his dc, which is fair enough. So long as op and her dc don’t miss out which they might should the ex wife’s status change. That uncertainty is too precarious. Otherwise the DH can spend the money on his DC.

I have dc from a previous relationship I don’t expect DP or his parents to give mine exactly what they do their own. And more importantly my dc don’t expect it either. We know we’re lucky they treat us with love and kindness. Expecting them to leave mine an inheritance just because they would their direct relatives wouldn’t cross my mind or my dc’s.

kimball · 09/10/2018 15:02

It doesn't actually sound like your family have the finances in place to send the 2 DSC to a fee paying school. You correctly identified that it is not only about having enough to pay next term's fees, but contingency, etc.

On the question of whether all 4 children should benefit from the trust fund money, I think if OP stands to inherit money/house from her side of the family and plans to split it equally between all 4 children then the answer is yet. If the hypothetical split is anywhere less than equal then I think the trust fund money should be preserved for the DH's biological children.

kimball · 09/10/2018 15:03

Yes, not yet!

SD1978 · 09/10/2018 16:03

As harsh as it sounds- the grandfather could have updated this at anytime before he got unwell. He didn't. If you husband wants to use the trust fund for his children and not yours, that's his right. It's your right to be annoyed about it, but I'd imagine the ex wife also would be upset that money earmarked for her children was given to your children. Do you plan on spending any future I herejtance 50/50 between your children and your husbands? Do your entire family plan on including the stepchildren in their wills as an equal part? If not, then you can not expect his family to.

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 16:30

Magda I agree with you but I don't think that is what is most troubling OP. She says that one set of kids going to private school would make them favourites and what would be fair would be to pay for all to go to Uni.

I don't understand why the SCs would be seen as favourite since OP seems to think that comprehensive education is absolutely fine. Also OP says that the eldest who has started at local comp wouldn't want to go so it's only one SC who would go private so it's not a clear divide between one set of children against the other.

If the fund was set up before marriage then it was meant for the SCs and it should go to them unless the grand father is in a position to decide differently.

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