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Original poster

What would you do?

134 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 21:38

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

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RandomMess · 08/10/2018 21:45

You can't afford it, end of. Trust fund money better used in the future.

Livedandlearned2 · 08/10/2018 21:47

I agree with RandomMess.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 21:51

That's what I think too. But DH went to private school and has aspirations of grandeur.

This is going to be pretty horrible I think.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/10/2018 21:53

If his school was all that, surely he'd be able to afford private education?

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 21:58

He could have, if he'd stuck with the well paying career path. He went to work for the family business instead, thinking he'd be taking it over but then it was sold.

OP posts:
Livedandlearned2 · 08/10/2018 21:58

It would be different if exw paid half towards it

DragonGoby · 08/10/2018 22:02

Need more info about the trust fund. Where did the money come from originally? If it was intended to be spent on your DSC's education, then it would be better spent on school fees IMO as they can get a loan to cover uni fees.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 22:09

I don't have much info on the trust fund, but the DSC are not specifically named on it, the money would be in DH name to distribute as he sees fit. I gather it's quite a bit of money but no actual figure known yet as DH needs to look in to it.

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DragonGoby · 08/10/2018 22:19

I think you need to be careful, OP. I understand what you mean about fairness, but if DH and his ex both want to send their DC to a few paying school and have the money to do so (money that was always ear marked for this kind of thing), then I don't think you can stop them. Think how the DSC would feel if they found out later that you stood in the way of this opportunity for them.

RandomMess · 08/10/2018 22:21

I think you need to explain to DH that if his DC go to private without yours being offered equal then your marriage isn't going to survive it's such extreme favouritism by HIM of his DC over yours.

So he's going to spend over £100k on each of his DC whist yours observe they get nothing. Does he even realise what 7 years of private education with all the add ins actually costs???

HollowTalk · 08/10/2018 22:26

This all assumes that private education is better than state education. Wouldn't it be better to use the money so that you live in a place where state education is good?

AJPTaylor · 08/10/2018 22:35

It must be a helluva trust fund if its going to put 2 kids through private school without impacting your family unit financially.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 22:38

We do live in a place with good local schools. There is nothing wrong with the school eldest attends at all, one of the better locally.

I went to state school and I am educated, with a better degree than DH. I have worked hard and done ok for myself but don't earn mega money in my career.

DH and exW both went to private school so think it is better in terms of opportunity afforded. I disagree personally and would rather spend on extra curricular activities and university costs but that's my preference only knowing my own experiences.

I think it would drive a wedge between the DC who very much view each other as equal at present. I would never stand in the way of DSC opportunities because that would be wrong but it doesn't feel right to sideline my DC either.

It's all hypothesis atm anyway as DSC would have to pass 11+ without tutoring, or very little of it due to lack of time, and I'm not sure they are that able academically (not being mean, just honest. Elder DD would not pass, youngest would probably smash it).

It just feels uncomfortable and I worry it will cause a clear split in a blended family that we have all worked so hard to get to this point.

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Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 22:43

exW has secured a bursary (subject to 11+) towards the fees but would still be a substantial cost to pick up entirely on our part. We do ok financially, I would describe us as comfortable but not wealthy, eg we can go on hols etc but not huge ones usually with 4 DC, nice house but between us we earn well under 100k both FT

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RandomMess · 08/10/2018 22:47

The trust found would have to be able to cover absolutely every cost associated with private school - uniform, books, trips, exam fees, travel and so on for it to be even considered. Otherwise it's going to be coming out of family money and then your DD needs to be offered the same opportunity.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 22:53

It would only cover everything if the bursary was in place the whole time, which it may not be if exW circumstances change. If that happened I cannot for a second think they would be moved and then it would end up out of our family budget at our cost I assume.

There is nothing that says it cannot be used for all 4 DC to go to university. Which would feel fair to me.

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RandomMess · 08/10/2018 23:16

It's a no go then isn't it...

JulietteGrimm · 08/10/2018 23:19

If DH and his exW decide the education money for their DC is best spent on private school, that's their choice as parents. You might disagree, and you are free to explain your reasons to DH, but ultimately it's the parent's decision. It is also their responsibility to have a plan to cover costs if the bursary stops for any reason (though that argument also means that DH can't be expected to cover any costs, ever, for your DC).

Ginger1982 · 08/10/2018 23:23

Depends on who set up the trust fund and when. Was it always meant to include your children?

HeddaGarbled · 08/10/2018 23:31

None of your children need money from the trust fund to go to university. I understand that you are thinking about fairness and an even distribution between all 4 children, but paying for first degrees out of a trust fund when they could be funded by student loans is not a sensible use of the trust fund. Masters or PhDs would be a good use of the money but not first degrees.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 08/10/2018 23:44

I am thinking more of living costs for them away from home for university rather than tuition fees etc, because they will need somewhere to live and loans don't cover everything. Also bearing in mind the cost to DC of paying it back from earnings while young, trying to get on the property ladder, having their own DC.

The trust fund is for the grandchildren which would include my DC technically, as they are equally family and have been for many years. It is for education or getting them on the housing ladder, to benefit Inthe way DH sees fit and his siblings for their DC. DH is also from a blended family and I thought he would understand my position more than he does.

The fund was set up before most of the family children were born from my understanding so it's not set in stone who benefits from it. I don't view our family as a title for tat relationship, if I buy for DC or we go on holiday then all DC get equal. This just seems to me like his DC take precedence, maybe they should and maybe I need to chill.

Maybe it doesn't matter at all but I worry about my DC feeling left out, hurt and angry. I actually prefer my DC to go to state school as I think the school of life is a sensible road to tread, but I don't know what I haven't had so I can't say honestly what is best for them.

If money were no object I think my DC would still go to state school through my choice, but I don't want this segregation imposed and that's how it feels.

Poor kids to the left, rich to the right

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SilverBirchTree · 08/10/2018 23:49

Who set up the trust fund initially? And what was their intention for it?

I don't think it would be fair for his family's trust fund to pay your children's university fees. If it was set up to benefit DSC then why should it be halved for your children's benefit?

I'd leave the money in the trust fund, and have it pay for DSC's University education (assuming that's the intention for the funds and allowed within the trust). You (and their father) can then save for your children's university fees, with the benefit of not having to do the same for DSC, as they are provided for.

The inequality won't seem so jarring when they are adults living separate lives, so better for the money to come to DSC at university age

SilverBirchTree · 08/10/2018 23:53

I think you have a lot of influence in terms of how your DC will feel about it. If your clear approach and mindset is 'I think state school is excellent, this is the choice I've made for you. DSC's inherited trust money is nice for them but doesn't impact the rest of us. Now what shall we have for dinner?' Then they will probably follow your lead, especially as your older daughter wouldn't want move schools anyway

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 09/10/2018 00:15

Thanks all.

I don't know if I feel so sore about it all because youngest DD views DH as her father as she has never known any different, eldest sees her other side of the family so not as tough there.

The money is from his Ddad who is unwell now and not able to express a preference, but if he were able he would absolutely include my DC, I know he would. He was grandad to all of them and DH siblings with various relationships also get to make the choice like my H.

Elder DD would hate me if I moved her, I won't. She is happy and she could probably do better but that is more about her maturity than the school.

Youngest will take it hard if she is separate no matter what I say or how I treat the situation, she is a high maintenance girl and can't bear someone so much as having a hug if she doesn't get one. I worry she will feel left out. She will do well wherever she goes to school as she is bright.

I am more concerned that if everything goes tits up it will be me (us) that end up forking out at the expense of my DDs. exW is not known for her financial management skills and if she marries again, bursary could be gone and we would be expected to sort the mess. And if DSC were settled I couldn't drag them out if school as that would be cruel

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