What would you do?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

Complicated.

We are a blended family, my two DDs and 2 DSC. DHs ex wife is keen to send DSC to fee paying school. She cannot afford to send them and nor can we currently.

DH may have access to a trust fund set up before we married for kids education.

Our DC have all attended same school, eldest is already in high school and I have always assumed the younger 3 would follow.

Basically, DH wants to send DSC to fee paying school and use money from the trust fund. This may mean there is not enough for university fees for them later. I am worried it will drive a wedge between our DC and DSC and make DSC the favourites and could impact on our family in a negative way.

Eldest DD wouldn't want to go to fee paying school as she is already settled at high school, and I can't afford to send younger DD.

I am actually worried this might really affect my marriage too. I don't like to play favourites and I would send all or none.

Your thoughts are appreciated

I think I'm soon his ex as well at this point.

Why?

You need to check on the bursary conditions and the amount in the trust fund. Sounds like ex-w has applied for bursary on her income only, possibly due to misunderstanding. So it may not actually be awarded. Secondly, the trust fund needs to be min of 200k I would think, to fund 5 years of fees, uniform and other expenses for 2 children. And that doesn't include the 'share' for your kids or any others who are entitled to it. Our local private school is probably fairly reasonable at 18,000 per child per year, but some schools are a lot more.
My dh thought he'd send his dc to private school until I made him actually look at the cost. He'd gone in the 80s when it was a totally different economic scene and hadn't quite realised how much things had changed. Your DP and ex may have similar rose-tinted glasses.

I also think your dh sounds like an arse for not valuing you and your contribution to the household.

The fund is way less than 200k. I think I'm being played as a fool or he is as form CLEARLY states both parents with PR must complete and sign.

I'm going for me. And if that's the case I'm gone, not my circus. At least my DC don't get it rubbed in their face on a daily basis that they don't meet the grade.

Hey you, take a breath. Trust deeds are complicated. It’s the nature of them. I would take an educated guess that there will be no way that your children will be entitled to anything from the trust regardless of how much money you have contributed. It’s a shit situation all round I’m afraid.

Ok, you need to talk to your DH again. The bursary application form is publicly available- it’s not like you’ve been snooping. Prioritising family money for his own DC is a matter for discussion (as the varying opinions on this thread shows), but going behind your back with his ex and lying about it is emphatically not.

Not valuing your contribution to the family (whether financial or emotional) is a serious issue too.

You are so bitter about this. You make digs yourself here pointing out how you worked hard for your money and how his is lucky to have extra money yes you are desperately fighting for your part of the pie.

If you believe so much about working hard for what you've got, how about encouraging your kids to believectjstvejyvwill have to fund their uni place, taking their own loans and working pt? That would be in the spirit of what you believe.

Iwhat comes across is that you are not that bothered for your kids to go but you don't want his to go private because it might then give them an extra edge. If it is coming like that here, it's likely that this is how your OH interprets your annoyance /anger too and why he is il himself getting annoyed.

Stay out of it. Who knows what will happen in the future. They might hate private, or they might decide they don't want to go to uni. What everyone seems to forget is that there is man who invested a lot of money and that it his and his wishes alone that should be respected.

Is there any wonder the op is bitter, she shared her inheritance with the whole family! I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't know how much money there is or what the rules on spending it are.

My children are in private education, we always said we'd do it as long as we could afford it and just move them if we couldn't any more.

While we are still ok with the fees, they are so happy at school, I know if things changed financially for us we would make big sacrifices to try and keep them where the are.

If the ex was paying the full fees then that's different, but she's not and none of this should come from your family income. I'm a firm believer in treating the children within the family equally, so in this case that would include the four children, I don't see how such a massive difference in spending can be justified, unless the trust states absolutely that this is the only way the money can be used and for the two biological children of your dh.

If the trust did say that though, I think you'd have been told what it said as it's clear cut.

I think calling the OP bitter isn't very helpful here. She has a genuine issue in her marriage and is trying to work it through. Are you saying she should just suck it up and keep quiet even though she is feeling deceived and under valued?

I was separated from my husband when my son won a bursery for the sport he played (being vague) It was calculated on my income and he was there for 6 years. His bursery covered until he was 16 and was then extended for another 2 years.
If your husband is named as beneficiary then it may be out of his hands how the money is spent as the trustees will have to approve any spending. Surely he knows very well who the trustees are? It will be on any documents relating to it. Unless it's not a trust and just a savings account in his name?

I don't understand how the ex wife has already secured a bursary, if entry to the school is subject to passing an exam. Private schools don't normally award bursaries until after offering places, do they?

As the mother of a child who had to be taken out of a fee paying school (end of year 7, she had been there a few years) because her dad decided to stop paying his share of her fees and I couldn't afford the whole lot myself, I would say absolutely no child should be allowed to start in private school on the premise that they will be withdrawn if finances change. It can be extremely damaging to the child to be unwillingly wrenched from a school they enjoy, friends, etc.

The existence of the trust fund and your SDCs' position as beneficiaries of it is almost certainly a factor which the school's bursary application form says should be disclosed. I would look at this carefully, because a fraudulent bursary application, if discovered, will result in at least the bursary being withdrawn - at best.

Just as someone is clearly lying about the school application!

Yes taking the word bitter out I apologise but I do believe OP is on the wrong here.

OP has mentioned sharing her inheritance on some work on the house and a holiday, I very much doubt this comes to £200k and has her OH had pointed out, it seems that he more than contributes himself towards his step children.

This is different, this is money that was earmarked for a specific reason before they were married.

How much is this school? If anyone was concerned that a child couldn't finish their private education many wouldnt go. High flyers do get amade redundant, people get ill, move, many reasons to affect it. At the moment, it looks pretty safe and the potential risk doesn't seem enough of a reason to not consider it at all when it is the wish of both parents. Who knows if the grandparents are so keen, maybe they would be in a position to help if the parents couldn't any longer.

We won the bursery first but then, yes, he had to pass the exams. If he hadn't then it would have been withdrawn. Burserys are usually for a period of time and once they are awarded they are not withdrawn. Ours was 100% but they can be for different amounts.

Harpingon when I looked at bursaries before DD went to a private school, all of them were means tested every year. So they might be awarded for a set number of years, but subject to the annual means testing. If you suddenly come into money, the bursary is withdrawn because you no longer meet the financial requirements.

I was never angling that I wanted more or asking for more for my DC, only that he treats them equally as I do his DC. Because to me that is what being a family means. If it turns out that the money cannot be shared then I don't care, only that he intends to share.....if that makes sense!
This is what the op has been saying since the start. It's not about extended family treating the kids equally. It's about her dh treating the kids equally, as she herself has done. It's not about the amounts of money involved it's how she treated the family as a whole when she inherited & yet her dp is now changing the goalposts when it's his turn.
@LurpakIsTheOnlyButter - it does as if something fishy is going on re the truth of the bursary application. As you say either it's fraudulent or your dp has been lying.

I really feel for you - this is not a nice place to be.
As others have said if exw isn't working your dp's claim that he's made it clear he won't be responsible for anything beyond the top up is disingenuous.

Sorry should have put the OP's statement in bold!

Hi all,

I've asked for this thread to be taken down as it is identifying.

Thanks all for your support and input, I t has been very helpful

Identifying? I.e. wasn't agreed with. You're a woman with two kids somewhere in the world who had a husband who is two kids, and ex wife, and that's it. It's not identifying OP- promise! I think maybe you thought that other would be in more agrreance with you. I hope it doesn't end your marriage and you can work through your feelings. Maybe by taking some of the opinions on board.

A lot of PPs have the wrong end of the stick here. For all intents and purposes, the OP’s DD IS her DH’s daughter. Would any of you feel differently if the DH had formally adopted her? I certainly hope nobody would treat an adopted child differently from a bio child. In this case the adoption didn’t happen because of something external to this family unit. If the OP’s DH had his way he would have adopted the DD. This is completely different to families who come together when the children are older. There’s no black and white answer here but in these circumstances I agree with OP completely.

And I agree your post isn’t outing, OP.

I don't know how other peoples burserys work (I know scholarships were subject to financial scrutiny yearly) but we were awarded an amount of money to cover his education until 16 and it was then extended for another 2 years. We were not subjected to annual means testing.
They came to see him play his sport, then we went to look around the school and he had an interview with the head. We were offered a conditional place and bursery. We filled in the forms and he did the tests. He won the place and that was that.

Because you’re a long established blended family I don’t this type of educational segregation very fair. You’ve said all the kids are treated equally as part of both families by everyone. Yet this essentially says your DH doesn’t see your kids the same way he views his own.

However, does your DH feel the money IS his and his siblings for their children?

Or does your DH feel the money is really (from) his grandfather who wanted the trust only for his blood grandchildren?

You’ve also said you and DH would still need to contribute towards the school - so regardless, your JOINT money will assist his child educationally and not yours? And his ex will not be contributing financially for her child to attend this school, but YOU will? That adds a new element of “unfair”.

I have gone thru something similar, blended family and DH’s two kids are in a fee paying (very good) school, mine are at the free, rough local school. DH and his ex share cost of their kids school fees. My ex can’t afford school fees, and I can’t pay for my kids on my own. However I suck it up as for us:

• relationship only a few years old, his kids already established in their school before we met
• we put 60% of our net wages into a joint account but he pays for school fees out of his own money.
• I pay a lesser portion than school fees would be, into a savings account for my kids from my funds.

It still bugs me as this impacts on our ability to say, afford jointly a great holiday when his finances are heavily tied up in school fees, but we only have less than three years left of this scenario and so I feel I’m stuck with it.

I don't think the majority of people disagree with me actually.

I have had further discussion with DH and he has promised an equal share of the trust between his DC, and my youngest DD. Elder DD will get a smaller contribution and I feel this is fair as she has other family members who can provide for her.

DH has spoken to ex and said he will agree to pay a fixed amount, and no more. He has made very clear any issues with funding above and beyond that contribution will be her responsibility and she is considering her position.

It has been established that DH didn't have anything to do with the funding application and exW was advised she was above board in her solo application.

We will still have 2 who go to one school and 2 at another but at least they will all know they have received the same from DH.

I think this goes beyond school fees. It goes to the heart of you seeing and acting like your family is one unit of you, DH and your 4 children. But your DH isn't quite there.

You pay half of all bills etc - even though your DH earns more and IMO should pay the same proportion of his salary towards them as you do because that's fair, or you simply have one pot of family money.

You put all of your inheritance towards your family unit - your DH is not (if you count this trust as inheritance.) You are doing the wifework supporting the children and your DH at the expense of your career - at a cost to your earning potential/pension etc.

I really hope this is a wake up call and this isn't the type of message you feel like posting in 10 years time:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3191560-Excluded-from-Wedding