Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

Hi @SandyY2K - what I mean is that if I went into an Irish family law court & said that I wanted more money from my exh post divorce agreement, despite the fact that he gives me 1.5 k in maintenance (though op doesn't say if this is pw or pm), sends our kids to private education & gave me a 300 k lump sum (the lodgment & origin of which must at least be recorded by a bank if not by the courts), I'd be laughed out of the place.
My exh would be instructed to continue his maintenance & education costs (assuming he could still afford the private education) & I'd be told to get a job to contribute & to support myself.
The only way I would get away with not contributing/supporting myself is if my kids were of preschool age, there was a disability, or if my exh AGREED that I didn't have to work and he was happy to support me.
As I said it could be very different in Ireland but to me this whole scenario seems off.
Either the OP's dp didn't agree to a fair settlement initially & has now been caught out, OR he has agreed to support his exw because he WANTS to. Either the op isn't getting the full story, (or possibly we're not).
The other thing is that if I went to court here & had blown all that money, had lived beyond the agreed maintenance & subsequently couldn't put a roof over my kids' heads (bearing in mind their ages), but their father could they would be instructed to go live with their father if they so wished as his responsibility is to them only & not to me & I have apparently blown my settlement which is my own fault - not my exh's.
Op doesn't seem to want this scenario (which is her prerogative) but that being the case she's left with one of three options.

1. Accept that he appears to WANT to support his exw & if that's the case what does that mean for her marriage.
2. Have him withdraw financial support from his exw but accept the fact that the kids will have to live with them.
3. As above, but if she can't handle that accept the fact that she and her dh will need to live apart together until the kids are out of secondary education.

It's all quite sad with 4 kids stuck in the middle & no one adult taking the reins.

Hi...yes, I regret going into this marriage now though would do it all over again for my son!
Yes it does annoy me that I slog away while ex seems to do nothing and like some of you say, it seems that dh is content for her to do this. I still don’t understand this and I suspect there is something going on here (either she has a mental illness or some other issue) which means she can’t work...but why lie about it to me?
Dh has told me that there is enough money for my son but I don’t trust him on this...I have no idea how much is being paid in rent to ex wife, and we have to allow for possibility of him losing his job and getting paid a lower bonus than usual.
We have discussed at least 1 of the stepkids living with us but have concluded that we would need to move further out to get a bigger place and funnily enough dh now too keen on that option if it means a longer commute to work (we both work in the City).
Dh is now frantically organising date nights for us..,I am still thinking about whether I can put up with a husband whom for some reason wants to put ex wife above in priorities by maintaining her (it seems for life). I’m going to take legal advice regarding my options and make a decision.

I don't think I saw an answer. Does what he chooses to pay for his children, affect your lifestyle at all. Does he continue to pay his half of the bills. Does he in anyway expect you to pay extra. He's stated your son will be treated the same regarding education. His kids will be finished school by the time yours is ready to go. You sound bitter. He obviously earns enough to support everyone- so if it isnt affecting you. Why the vitriol?

There is no vitriol. It’s just that he seems to be treating her better than me and being less than transparent with me. Plus the ex w has been causing trouble for years, with visitation schedules and poisioning her kids against me. I can’t help thinking that life has to be better than this....though I am aware that the grass is not always greener.

Yes - he expects me to pay an equal contribution to bills when he earns at least x3 as much as me. I’ve put my foot down and said it’s only fair if I pay a third, given the disparity between salaries plus the fact that I support myself financially. It’s only fair, especially given that he is quite happy providing over and above for his seemingly work shy ex.

It would irritate the hell out of me if I was slogging away and my DH was proving a lifestyle for his EX who wouldn’t work.

Maybe you should call his bluff. Tell him you’re missing out on DS do you intend to quit your job and he can support uou as he’s so happy doing it for ex wife.

Tbh there’s so little transparency he obviously doesn’t see you as a team or equal in this situation and that would drive me crazy. It seems he feels more duty and obligation to his ex than to you. This could be for many reasons but non of them end well for you x

To be fair, he did say that he would support me 100% if I wanted to be a SAHM- this was before the x demanded more money. But then I think he knows that I’m not cut out to be a SAHM, I love my work and worry about getting back into it if I took a few years out. I’ve worked pretty much my whole life after uni - married late in life and am in my 40s now.

The lack of transparency is annoying me. He said he does this to “protect” me..,,I don’t buy it.

Hi @user1484986087 - the lack of transparency is imo your main issue.
GREAT to hear you're going to seek legal advice - I think it's the right way to go & maybe you'll manage to get to the bottom of what's really going on.

Thanks Magda, I see what you mean. It does seem like one of those scenarios.

I think it's a combination of knowing he didnt give her what she was entitled to and knowing that her poor education is a limitation with regards to her earning ability.

If she's never worked in this country...she'd probably only get a minimum wage job.

She may lack the academic ability to train in anything worthwhile.

I know a black African woman who married an older richer British man. They didn't have any kids together, but she got a hefty settlement when they divorced.

Her spoken English wasn't good enough to get any kind of decent job in this country. She didn't have the academic ability to study for anything except vocational. Her literacy was poor.

Maybe the Ex is similar in that way and your DH knows her working and earning a decent wage is a pipe dream.

either she has a mental illness or some other issue) which means she can’t work...but why lie about it to me?

MH has a lot if stigma attached and many people keep it hush hush.

Sandy, she is uneducated but quite savvy and not stupid. Her English is good and she has allegedly undertaken some secretarialcourse in an attempt to demonstrate that she is looking for a job....

We are not talking about some innocent downtrodden naive bride from a third world country here.

So offer 1/3 instead. What he pays her- from what I can see you've written , doesn't affect your life at all- but your bitterness regarding it, does. You'd rather walk away from the marriage than accept it- when it doesn't affect you. It doesn't affect your son. It doesn't affect your quality of life. He's said you can also give up work- but you do t want to. That's your choice. I'm sorry- you seem a bit unreasonable. And very angry. He obviously feels what he's doing is acceptable. You don't. Can you at least confirm that this is only until the kids leave school? That he'll stop funding her after that? Would that be an acceptable compromise to you?

Yes I am angry. I can’t believe that she is getting everything on a plate offered to her while she spends it all due to her irresponsibility.
Dh says it will end when kids go to school. By that time she’ll be in her late 50s. What hope is there of her getting a job then and at least contributing to her household expenses? The more likely scenario is dh will fund her for life as she won’t be able to find a job at that time. She is not his wife and I object to her being treated as such even when the kids are out of the picture.
You have no idea the problems this woman has caused in the past (too much to go into but several instances where she failed to drop kids/pick up just because she had found out dh and I had an activity planned and wanted to sabotage) and I think I’m not being unreasonable in asking my dh to help her stand on her own too feet rather than asking for handouts.

Why would I give up work just to spite the dh? I certainly don’t want to be relying on his handouts.

Dh has told me that there is enough money for my son but I don’t trust him on this..

Given that he supports his other children and their education, why don't you believe him? He seems to do right by them... there's no reason to assume he'd treat your son differently from what you've said.

I’ve put my foot down and said it’s only fair if I pay a third, given the disparity between salaries

I agree with you on this point. Absolutely unfair to go halves when he earns so much more.

The thing with these situations is you only have control over yourself. Not your DH and not his Ex.

You can decide what your response is to the situation, but displaying continued resentment and bitterness about it to your DH, will just make him even more secretive about it.

He may view your objection to his support as selfish and greedy.

He has told you It's none of your business. You have separate finances... it's a matter of can you live with it or not.

Although whichever way you spin it, you're financially better off in the marriage than out of it.

I agree sandy - but for whatever reason, it is really bothering me. Apart from the money situation, the fall out from the divorce and constant changing of schedules/hassle caused by the ex is too much. Thinking about the way forward for now.

Golly you are so eaten up with jealousy and resentment over the ex you have lost the plot.

It really is none of your business and the ex must be laughing all the way to the bank thinking she has used a her wile and deviousness to get your dh exactly where she wants him.

I bet she gets her dc to regale the tales of how nasty they have been to you and they all sit around laughing about it.

Sorry for making these suggestions but you need to desentitise yourself else your mental health is going to be severely affected here, if it hasn’t already!

Another suggestion which you might find uncomfortable reading, but do you think the ex is blackmailing him over something like sexual deviance of some kind which he is desperate for no one to find out about and so keeping him over a barrel, so to speak?

I say this because I know of a dominatrix who would have a field day with what she could say about her now ex who relies on his good reputation for his position in the community for keeping her and her dd ( not by him) well looked after in every way until the end of their lives.

Also, it would not be unusual for a wealthy man to form an unequal relationship with a woman such as you describe based on sexual favours initially and may be he is frustrated with you and your right to know about his private affairs because of this.

Either way, he is reluctant to come clean with you and so you are going to have to accept it or move on.

@Prettyvase

Also, it would not be unusual for a wealthy man to form an unequal relationship with a woman such as you describe based on sexual favours initially

This is the exact scenario with the person I knew. She was more or less a prostitute when they met.

She used to talk of her wildness and sexual acts in bed and that got Andy hooked...so when he was leaving the country he wanted her with him. Hence marriage. He wouldn't have married her if he wasn't returning to the UK.

She couldn't have kids and had the poor (well rich) guy spending thousands on IVF treatment to no avail.

He had 2 kids from a previous marriage.

Wow. This stuff hadn’t even occurred to me. Anything is possible, but quite frankly, I don’t want to know if it is of this nature...
I think dh and I are sorted insofar as my son’s education is concerned and my contribution to the household is concerned.

Have similar experience!!! Ex wife who does nothing but expects to be funded by my husband. Speaks badly of me although her son lives with us as she’s previously had a serious drinking problem (no thanks or appreciation for that!).
Your DH needs to go through the courts to get it settled
if mediation doesn’t work. Often they don’t want the confrontation or frankly the aggro. He will also be protecting his image to his kids. As soon as they turn 18 he doesn’t have financially responsibility, similarly with the ex if the children no longer live with her.
Once their children are moved out/at uni I’m sure the issues will diminish somewhat as not around all the time. You need to tell your husband how you feel as this impacts you both. He has a family to support, not an ex from a previous life.

I agree you come across as very bitter and you wishing her misery for you to feel at peace. Why? You have a job you like and clearly have shown ambition to get it. Her ambitions were different and relied on bagging a rich man. Why would she take on the stress of a job she would hate if she can manage not to?

Forgetting the ex, aren't you happy with your life? If so, why are you letting someone who is nothing to you eat you inside? Who cares if she's happy (and she probably isn't anyway) as long as you're happy yourself in your own way?

Swing, I do not revel nor do I wish misery upon the ex wife. My issue is why should she be funded when she is capable of getting of her backside and getting a job to at least partly contribute? Why does her ex husband have to fund her lifestyle when he is her ex? Like I said, this is going to Court if she does not accept his proposal (money on top of cm on a sliding scale as kids get older) and the courts are taking a very dim view of women like her. There is a lot unsaid by me here but she has a history of hounding us and generally trying to make things as difficult for us as possible, so that accounts for my emotions. I am sick to the teeth of her and her inability to function as a responsible person whilst expecting Divorcefd Husband to pick up after her.
No wonder London is known as the divorce capital for money grabbing exes the world over.

Swing, my life is exhausting at the moment. It’s a treadmill of work and childcare. I see her doing f all and yet making constant demands. Could you perhaps understand why I feel the way I do, given the history with her dealings with us?