Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

this could be an issue for his Ex rightly or wrongly.

Just to clarify...there's nothing right about It... but rather it may be an issue in her head. I think there's a lot unknown about their relationship to the OP.

There's a lot unknown...because he doesn't believe its your business.

It would be better if he didnt mention her financial requests to you, then you wouldn't have an issue with it.

He sees his money as his to spend how he wishes agree contributing to your household.

My issue would be if him giving her money meant you had to contribute more to your household.

You said you were worried there'd be no money left for your son's education.

Is that because your DH will be retired by then? If so, then discuss this with him and suggest a savings plan (that you both contrubute to) for your son's future.

You probably feel it's unfair she doesn't have to contribute for her kids...but you're financially independent. That's good and means you aren't vulnerable.

If your DH decided to bugger off to another country and the Govt. couldn't chase him for child support... you'd be fine. What would his Ex do?

Be glad you can stand on your own two feet and aren't dependant like a child.

I know it all sounds petty from my side. I’m just at the end of my tether.

Yes, she could probably have got more than 300k and the reason she has come back now is that she has blown it, decided to rent in a expensive area of London and was buying designer clothes for kids (I don’t for my own) and giving her kids £20 per tooth. She was told to move somewhere cheaper and train for a job (the youngest is now 8 years old) but ignored all this. She then came back and said she had no money, you have the kids. That was a no-go. So dh has now rented a flat for her in his name and is paying over and above child maintenance to her plus school fees. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the tone of the family courts these days is that there is no excuse for a female ex spouse not to work once kids are at school. What annoys me is the no effort on her part to live within her means and the constant shuffling with the stepkids. And my dh for kowtowing to het every demand. I do not ask for money from dh, I maintain myself and our finances are separate. I am worried about the liability on me if he disappears etc for the rented flat. I my feelings are ignored in favour of hers and kids, basically I am the lowest priority out of all them.

Yes the ex is African, my dh is white. I am not black but not Caucasian either. Do not wish to put myself on here.

Yes, she has a massive chip on her shoulder about being black. Didn’t settle in my dh country of origin due to widespread racism there and nmmovef to uk to join my dh, who was studying here at the time.
His parents allegedly cut him off when they knew he was going to marry her as they did not approve (I don’t think it was entirely race related, it was more the fact that she lacked education and was regarded as a gold digger by them)...

😬 @user1484986087 I have seen this scenario a lot. And I say this as a person of colour. Focus your energies on securing yourself and your child (home, finances, future education). You don’t have an ex-w problem, you have a DH problem...your DH’s problem started when he got involved/married to this woman; there is almost a secret underground handbook for women like this on how to get set up for life by doing exactly what she has done.
This is not speculation...I speak from experience.

Heart of gold, I am very intrigued. Are you saying it is a gold digger philosophy? Are you one of these women yourself or are you someone in my position?

user1484986087
You should take the kids on and call her bluff...
If you take on the kids she loses most of her power. Two are not far from uni age so it's not forever...your DH will spend the money on his family then and not on the ex..SC will see their mother abandoned them and will make their own minds up..

I say it as someone who agreed with DH -pre marriage- that his DD would never live with us but I'm a full time step mum to her now. She lives with us and is practically no contact with her mother.
She used to be vile, hated me and was set on spliting me and DH up...She is SO MUCH better now it's hard to believe its the same person and I'm convinced its largely due to the separation from her toxic morhers influence.

WhiteCat, thank you for your perspective. I think perhaps 2 of them full time would not be so bad. We would need to get a bigger place possibly though.

@user1484986087 NO! I’m not one of these women. Yes ‘gold-digger’ territory. Playing the long game of getting set up for life. Depending on her country or origin, and from what you said about her social status, by marrying him she married up and secured an income by having children with him.
I would wonder what her status is in the uk? Is she in receipt of benefits or does she have ‘no recourse to public funding’? Is this why your DH has to keep paying out? Also, he paid her 300k and she went ‘home’? Is she financing a wider family ‘back Home’?
Why did she not buy property? Why didn’t he buy her a property and put it in her name? Why didn’t he insist on doing it the legal, transparent way? What does HE have to hide?
The fact your DH isn’t sharing information would ring alarm bells for me.
I am a black woman married to a white man who has encountered these women who always had their hands out and were pushing for marriage. A hunting ground for ‘these’ women is O-L-D looking for white guys who like black women. He walked away and when I met him he had nothing. We have built a nice life together and over the years a couple have crawled out of the woodwork (found him on social media wanting to be friends).
My sister started dating a guy in your husbands situation with an ex like your husbands and 1 child. Ex used the child to make him jump through hoops in terms of visitation or not, handouts and money, found out he was dating and started with the “child can come live with you” or “you can see child but not if SHE is with you”.
My sister walked away as she got fed up with the guy not telling the ex to get-te-fuck and stand up for himself!

O-L-D = online dating

Heart of GOld, the scenario you describe with your sister is the same as what initially happened with my dh when he got together with me. She is still playing these games..

She is from Ivory Coast but now à European national (not British) due to marriage with my ex. They met as my dh’s family were expats out there and he grew up there. As I mentioned, his parents disliked her and according to him, he/they cut off contact.
I suspect she does send money himself though my understanding is that she is estranged from her family - who knows what a pack of lies she has fed him, and fool on him for believing her.
How does one deal with such a woman? I’m thinking of calling her bluff and telling my dh the remaining 2 kids can live with us once the older goes to uni next year. That way the money drip stops running....

Who knows about her benefits situation....she just told my dh the money had run out and that she was looking for a council house to live in (knowing full well dh would never stomach that for his kids)...

The fact that she blowed the money he gave her is irrelevant to the issue of what she might have been entitled in the first place.

Yes she might have been a gold digger but he chose to marry her knowing the financial implications. Whatever her personality, intentions etc...she is not being a bad person for asking what she would have been entitled to legally.

She is clearly very different to you and if indeed she lacks the education and experience to get a decent job then she will hang on to what she has ans sadly thats a hold still on your OH if he settled to a financial arrangement that was less then what she would have been entitled to.

You need to let it go because its his mess to sort out. Maybe when you accept that her life is nothing to do with you your OH will be more wiling to share details of what he is doing.

Hey OP! Your situation is so similar to mine, I can’t belive! Pursue the legal route. She will be expected to get a job - at least part-time and will be expected to support herself in the future and contribute to the household. A 17 yo will become irrelevant very soon even if the dad will be expected to support him through university. I see a lot of ‘she is entitled to £££ because she raised ‘his’ kids’ shit from women on MN who feel they are entitled to be supported because they ‘looked after the children’ for 20 years. What a mentality! Sort everything out through the court and face the concequences. The British law system might be outdated but even they would see no sense for an adult being provided for an ex and not contributing anything to her own well-being. P.S. He fucked up with 300 k big time - should have gone to court in the first place but that’s irrelevant now.

Exactly life - the courts are now veering towards making these meal
Ticket women get a job, certainly if the kids are at school.

As a black female from close to where she's from....I've seen similar scenarios.

White male (usually a fair bit older) marries black uneducated...OR much lower educated than him. He wants an obedient submissive wife and sees that in her. She worships the ground he walks on.

They move to the UK or other western world country and she becomes enlightened. Although that same thing happens when some black men marry less enlightened black women from their country of origin too.

People make her see you don't behave that way over here.... women are equals.

Decides she isn't going to accept that anymore and the marriage ends.

The talk of a secret underground network of women like her...is the same as women who aim to be a football WAG. No more no less.

Just to add...I think your DH knows he shafted her in the settlement without legal sign off. That's why he's covering her costs now.

He thought she'd never know any better as the poorly educated African woman.

I am worried about the liability on me if he disappears etc for the rented flat.

You won't be liable. It's in his name and she's not your responsibility.

I agree with &
Swing

Yes she might have been a gold digger but he chose to marry her knowing the financial implications. Whatever her personality, intentions etc...she is not being a bad person for asking what she would have been entitled to legally.

Maybe when you accept that her life is nothing to do with you your OH will be more wiling to share details of what he is doing.

I doubt it. He's keeping the OP out of it, as he sees this as his issue to deal with.

Does his choice with finances actually affect you at all? Does he pay half of all the household bills? You said you have seperate finances. So are you in a position it matters? Also you have declined to have the children move on with you- which I would assume would ease a financial bargain- could you move somewhere bigger? Your issue is him. Not her. He is the one who needs to change the situation.

🤔 So I’m just going to be blunt.

It sounds like your DH is very wealthy and when you say ‘I need help with my son and don’t want to leave the family home’ that perhaps you like your current lifestyle too much to leave him. I’m guessing you don’t earn as much as he does? Given that you’re worrying he won’t be able to pay for your sons education in the future, I assume you’re unable to pay this alone, whilst he pays 3 sets of school fees and runs 2 London homes. So I would conclude he earns a lot more than you do. He also doesn’t see you as a financial team, or equal as ‘it’s not your business how he spends his money’.

I’m not sure why you had a child with a man in this situation, with 3 children you aren’t keen on and an Ex Wife he clearly can’t say no to. But you did it anyway and now here you are!

Either accept the situation you’ve gotten yourself into, that nobody other than You seems to care the slightest that you’re ‘at the end of your tether’ and quit complaining about it, or take the financial hit and leave.

You and DS are not more entitled or more important than his ex and 3 children and never will be x

* also if you think 2 of the children turning 18 will make things financially easier you’re deluded. Uni fees, unpaid internships, going traveling, buying their own homes/ renting in London on graduate salaries.

Your DH is going to be funding ALOT.

Pursue the legal route. She will be expected to get a job - at least part-time and will be expected to support herself in the future and contribute to the household

It's down to her DH to do this and he clearly doesn't want to.

There's a reason he doesn't want to do this.

Anyone able to pay for a place in Chelsea (plus your home) and three private school fees is pretty loaded....

Really you shouldn't have an issue with any money spent on his children. Yet you continue to mention school fees and over the legal amount of child support. As though he deserves a gold medal for doing so.

Are you suggesting for one minute he should only pay the legal minimum? With his money?

You'll be more at peace if you carry on with your marriage, tbe relationship and enjoyable times with your DH, focus on your family and put the Ex out of your thoughts.

Meteor, you gave misunderstood my position entirely.
I don’t begrudge the money spent on my stepchildren. I do worry about whether there is enough for our son once the ex has been paid for effectively doing nothing. As o said before, it is received wisdom that the courts are now making women like her work and therefore fund themselves. What makes het different?
As for liking my lifestyle too much, your assumptions are incorrect . I pay my own way and my share of the bills. He does not pay anything for me. We own the marital home in unequal shares and as tenants in common - I only get out what I put on. It would be hard for me if I moved out as I work full time and long hours, my husband is happy with helping look after my son in the evenings and weekends. We have no family nearby and entirely dependent on each other and childcare if we need a break.
I take the point that it is his issue and that I need to lump it or dump it....
I just want to ensure that my son’s education is secured.

Why would there no money for school feels for your son? His eldest is 17 and the next one 14 so likely to be out of school by the time yours is. What he pays for the now he'll be able to pay for your son.

Also youngest being 9yo don't assume that a judge would expect her to work FT. A judge might recognised that she has limited means to support herself and agree to a divorce arrangement that highly goes in her favour in which case she might not need to work for a long time. I expect your OH knows really well what he could end up having to pay her hence hoping for mediation.

Hi @user1484986087 - I'm in Ireland so things may be different here from in the UK, but here, once a precedent has been set

• in this case private education for his first 3 kids - a court would expect him to do same for his 4th child & if he couldn't then all his maintenance/outlays would be looked at & revised. A court would not expect your child to be 'penalized' due to outgoings for the first 3 kids.

I also feel that his ex is not being told to get a job because your dh is 'allowing' her not to work. Again, possibly it's different here but there's no way an Irish court would have a person supporting an ex spouse who refused to work unless the children were of pre school age or there was illness/disability issues regarding a child. I could be wrong but I honestly think you're not getting the full story here & he's duping you.

I don’t begrudge the money spent on my stepchildren.

Then you need to stop mentioning it, because it sounds like you do have an issue with it.

I do worry about whether there is enough for our son the ex has been paid for effectively doing nothing

I just want to ensure that my son’s education is secured

Your son has both of you to make plans for his future, so it should be easier. Suggest a savings plan for it and put it in place.

Have you.l discussed these fears? If not do so.

Your DH may have already thought of it and have made plans. You could be worrying for nothing.

What makes her different?

1. The fact that your DH doesn't want to take the legal route.

2. The fact that it would cost money...and both sets of legal costs would be on his head.

3. If he did, the kids may take a dim view him taking their mum to court.

4. Guilt is also a potential issue. He may feel bad, depending on how the relationship ended and because he knows she was entitled to a lot more than she got with the out of court settlement.

I see how it would piss you off, because the Ex gets a seemingly cushy life and your slogging away.

When you marry a man with the baggage of an Ex and 3 kids...money will be an issue.

@Magda72

I could be wrong but I honestly think you're not getting the full story here & he's duping you.

I don't disagree...but in what way do you think he's duping her?