Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

I recognise myself in your anger, not as a SM dealing with an ex but as an overworked and exhausted mum who resent anyone who doesn't work and don't have to deal with that level of exhaustion I so struggle with. This is why your anger is turned towards her because deep inside you don't feel it is fair that not only she has it good when you have it hard but worse she does it out of what is now yours, ie your husband.

Yet in a way he is right that if you are both working FT and earning a good income and you agreed to separate accounts, he should be free to spend his disposable income as he wants as long as he pays 50% of the bills. You say she got a one off payment but maybe she rushed to agree, then realised that this payment was not even close to half the marriage assets, especially if taking his pension into account, maybe your OH feels guilty now or maybe he had legal advice that she would be able to go to court and claim more.

You do need to forget about her be a use the anger that is taking you over is only destroying you no one else. You are not in competition with her, she has her life and you have yours and from what you've written it sounds like yours is much more fulfilling than hers.

I don't see why you should have to leave your home. Tell DH that his children are not welcome if they can't be civil. And mean it.

So their mum doesnt want the kids. And you dont see why you guys should have them either?

I think you should leave your husband asap. For everyone's sakes.

I’d start today then OP. Be direct, say to your DH...
it’s a shame that you are keeping this mediation to yourself, we should be a team, I can help.. what’s going on?

...however me and your baby need you... we need a happy father/husband... and I need a harmonious house where I’m acknowledged with good grace by everyone in it. So if you are going to shut me out, be angry, then all that stress is landed on me too, and I’ll feel like I need to go away just to have some peace. But I’m your main relationship, just let me in and let us both have some of these discussions together?

Good luck. The last conversation I had with my DP about his Ex ended up with him telling me ‘that it was none of my business’!

That’s really a sign that they are beyond being our partner. They are, unfortunately, still totally embroiled as someone else’s.

I'd walk away from the relationship, look what it's doing to you. It's not healthy to live feeling this level of resentment and there is no way to shield your son from it. The longer it goes on the worse it will get.

Bananas, I have been told the same - it’s none of my business. His excuse for this is that it upsets me. But it is upsetting me more that I’m being shut out and essentially no team feeling between dh and myself on this score. I understand that our finances are separate but I’m so tired of the constant upheaval in our lives due to this mess in the background. It’s been 6 years and it doesn’t get any better. My concern is also that there will b nothing left for my son’s education by ththe time the ex gets another 300k awarded and the school fees for the stepkids are paid. I don’t see why I should contribute to our household when ex can’t be bothered to work and dh has enough funds to effectively run two households.
The kids are a nightmare. I’ve tried to like them but they are resentful of mr and too much of their mothers children to mean anything to me. If I never saw them again it would mean nothing to me.

And feeling that way about them you thought it would be a good idea to marry their father and have a child with him?

Why on earth did you marry this guy and have a child with him - I realise what's done is done but these issues were surely present before you made those choices

I think you need to leave. You can’t be in a marriage where he is in mediation with his ex but tells you nothing! Tell him today you want a trial separation, you’ll either work out how much happier you are (and financially better off) or he’ll realise what a dock he has been and change. Either way your life will be better

If your finances are separate and he is not incurring any debts in both your names, then it really is up to him what he does with his money, as long as he is contributing fairly to the home you and your husband share. It seems that with the income disparity between the two of you he really ought to contribute more.

His kids being disrespectful to you in your own home is unacceptable. To me if guests can't behave themselves, regardless of who they are (that includes my own parents) I would kick them out and not invite them over anymore till they improve.

As for the ex, perhaps it's best for your own peace of mind to pretend she does not exist. But if that is not possible and if she is creating drama between you and your husband, then as nice a man as he is, I couldn't stay with him either in your position.

Do you kick your own kids out if they are disrespectful then Capt? Or do you think that children shouldn't call their father's home their own?
When my children are disrespectful- which happens quite a lot in the teenage years even in normal families- there are consequences but I dont put them out on the streets.

I think the only way forward is counselling or a trial separation, as some have suggested. Ideally the proposal re living alone with my son and having him live part time/somewhere else may work too but I would need to have good childcare in place.

Barb your own children live in your house. I am sure there would be consequences for rude behavior that you can enforce. Visiting children are visitors and yes I'd kick them out of my house if they don't behave. Or do you let your own children walk all over you?
No, their father's home is not "their" home, as they live with their mother.

I’m sorry you’ve been told that too. It’s not a good sign is it. It’s a shame your kid is young and if anything you need your DH more than ever.

I don’t think people are right saying his finances have nothing to do with you. Once you become a unit, which you are, then big financial commitments are going to curtail what’s available for you. Of course it’s your business! Crazy people who think it isn’t. Of course there has to be a fair distribution including all his kids and you. Him listening to his grabby Ex and not you about money is totally wrong. You deserve more respect and he needs to stop letting himself be manipulated.

@barb and cat I think you are probably both in agreement essentially. Rude kids need to be told, although it’s a bad thing I think to kick them out. Funnily enough my step kids Mum used to throw them out regularly from her house when they annoyed her or she wanted time alone - yet send them to mine and DPs! Some Exes just take the proverbial tbh.

Sorry did you really refuse to allow the kids to live with their father then get upset that he pays for them to have a place to live. You've got to see how that's just wrong, right? Imagine doing that to your little one

Op loads of advice here. I have not been in your position but was a sm for a while and it is a pretty awful place to be sometimes even when your dp is supporting you and the exw and dc's are nice. I certainly wouldn't do it again and i know I'm not the only sm to say that.

I am a lp (not with that exp) now. My ds is 5. It is doable on your own. You would share contact with dh so could do more work when ds is with his dad. There are people out there who you can pay to help out around the edges with childcare/pick ups/emergency cover etc if you need to.

One of my colleagues has a part time nanny who comes in at 6.30 & takes dc's to school & then goes on to his normal job so she can set off early to work.

Also jobs can often be made more flexible.

I would seriously think about a short sharp shock for him by telling him to go or that you are moving out. It's only bricks & mortar at the end of the day. Your ds deserves a happy dm and you don't need to be treated like this it is just ridiculous.

He needs to man up and get a proper lawyer but also either he needs to appreciate and cakue your position in all of this or face the consequences.

to you xx

@robo The mother just wanted them all to live with them because she ‘has no money left’, she is using them as bargaining chips! Both OP and her DP work full time, DP to have funded housing and maintenance for his kids for many years.

Just swapping residency for no good reason is a bad idea all round. It would have been crap for the kids to allow her Mum to effectively chuck them out as she didn’t want them financially as a burden.

For all the criticism I am receiving re dsc, the mother is a disgrace. Would not let dh see children at all if I was with him (this was after we were engaged to be married). Prior to that she would not allow access to his youngest, a 3 year old at the time, on the basis that dh could not look after them. Then she moved back to uk without telling him and moved into Chelsea and enrolled son at school without discussion with him!
She didn’t want me to meet them as I might ‘do black magic on them’. How do you go from not wanting the sm to be around kids to wanting her to have them full time?!!

The kids themselves are frequently surly if not rude these days towards me. They had to be taught basic manners and the younger one is still barely polite in my flat, despite receiving a glowing report at school.

Even my mil advised me to stick with the marriage as the two eldest children would be 18 and out of my hair soon...,completely unprompted.

I think everyone but my dh appreciates how difficult this siruation is.

So much to think about. I’m tired of being constantly on edge and I have enough stress with work without this added rubbish. I envy those married in ‘normal’ families. But the problem here is my dh and his attitude. I think I’m going to either ask him to attend counselling as a first step and or trial separation, if he won’t agree.

You can't expect the kids to treat you with respect when they will inevitably know your hatred for their mum and you not liking them much either.

In regards to your OH still wanting to help his ex financially it's difficult to have an opinion when they divorced in unusual circumstances. £300k sounds a lot but i5 also sounds like your OH is a high earner. If the joint house was worth 1 million and his pension and other assets worth as much then she might have received legal advice that she got a bad deal and could still take him to court hence the mediation. He might have no choice.

Maybe he is not talking to you because he is tired of you going on about what a horrible person she is. He might have stopped loving her but she remains the mother of his children.

For what it’s worth, I have never said anything negative about the mum in front of kids. If anything, she has poisoned them against me. I tried very hard to be nice to them and wanted to be friends but they were not interested. So any dislike of me on the part of the kids is down to her.
She was invited to take legal advice at the time and didn’t bother at the time. Then she blows the settlement and expects more. Who blows 300k in 3 years? Certainly not me.

Don’t listen to people who haven’t read your posts and who have no idea about being a SM. There is nothing in your posts that suggests that you have treated your step kids without curtesy and respect. No one should be ignored in their own home by anyone of any age.

Anyone who suggests otherwise is saying SMs deserve crap and need to shut up about it.

Thank you bananas! Part of the reason I posted on mumsnet is because I know no-one who is a stepmum and therefore just wanted some impartial advice. I may well be being unreasonable. As far as the sc’s go, I made every effort with them just to be rebuffed at the beginning. This was clearly due to their mother’s influence. It has got to the point now where I dislike them and really do not want to be around them, not to mention them providing a bad example to my son in respect of their behaviour.

My heart goes out to you OP, with regard to the behaviour of your step-kids. I'm 11 years married and my step-kids are now 19 & 20. I have no relationship with my SD but am rebuilding one with my SS. In the early days, their mum wanted me & husband to have them all the time. When they became old enough to look after their younger half-siblings (and also when she realised my SC liked me), she denied access more & more purely through non-communication & by making herself unavailable to the point where they no longer lived with us from the ages of about 13 & 14. For years before that, my husband believes she coached them on how to behave towards me - SS told his mum "love you" at pickup time by dad - the reply was "prove it". They also reported back to her on what I did / said / how I spent my time (she rung DH to complain I spent time in my bedroom rather than with her (by that time) surly, uncommunicative kids). Husband was caught between us all. He didn't call her out on her behaviour because he feared that as an aggressive, manipulative, violent person she would hurt me or the kids (she had no problems lashing out physically at my husband when they were married or screaming verbal abuse at strangers when she chose). He told me "I have to pick my battles". I didn't understand at the time - I do now. It was a horrible, stressful time for us all and I'm glad the kids are now adult and thankfully beginning to see the light over their mum (through no comment from me or husband).

I say all this because my experience has taught me you can never fully understand a family dynamic to which you did not belong - even though you go on to start a new family with some of its former members. I think I underestimated the turmoil kids go through when their parents split. I tried too hard as a stepparent, then completely stopped trying in order to save my sanity. If I were you, I would take a complete step back from them (while remaining pleasant) and Iet your husband deal with them.

With regard to your own little boy, are you able to start saving now towards his education yourself? This may allay some of your anxiety.

Any SM who think that their SM will not pick up on their feel gs towards their mother are deluding themselves. It Pplies to anyone. I too made sure to never say a bad word to my kids about their dad but they know very well that I think he is a loser for never having paid a penny towards them.what is not said or the tone of the voice is much more telling than the actual words. It's very hard to hide strong negative feelings.

She might have chosen not to take legal advice then but it sounds like she now has. Of course it is unconcievable that anyone could have blown such a large amount of money if not invested in property but it doesn't take away that if she got a raw deal in the first place she has a right to revisit it. Its impossible to know if the settlement was reasonable of not without knowing his worth especially in relation to his pension.

Your OH seems to be dealing with it with a level headed mind. Getting angry about it is only going to make it worse. In the end if it had been dealt properly in the first place, it would be long over with now.