Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

Sjch, I think you are right. Even my mother in law (without being prompted!) told me to hang in there until the older kids went to uni! Tu problem is the ex has leverage whilst she is the rp.

It’s just frustrating and it causes arguments between my DH and I....which have subsided since I feel we are more on the same side now.

The other way I reflect is the ex is jealous of us and what we have. She lives by herself though so is easier to think that way, because even after an exhausting day of work, bed times etc we sit on the sofa together, laugh at the tv, talk next holiday or just stuff....we are richer just because of that.

I love some of the posts on here. Why should lifestyle choices of an ex be more important than those of a current wife? What if OP wants a bigger house and can’t afford to do so because her DH’s ex doesn’t want to work?
Is it not clear that they as a family can’t move on and make their own life decisions and choices if the ex is fully reliant on them financially? It’s not bitterness..it’ lack the a sense of freedom to make own life choices. Why don’t you start funding someone in your family (let’s say a grown up 40 yo woman - perphaps yourself?) and pay for their lifestyle choices? How about buying yourself a hige expensive diamond instead of contributing to mortgage next month?

I agree with this ^^

I would value a marriage where I am 50/50 part of an exclusive team, me and my (hypothetical) dh free and autonomous and able to make big decisions about our family unit. That’s how it’s supposed to work, in (our, UK) society.

With a grown woman continuing to make demands, cause bad feeling, be disruptive and drain thousands and thousands of £ and not knowing what is actually going on and no end in sight....

Well, that’s a kind of marriage of three people. It wouldn’t be for me. I would say it’s less a case of who is wrong, more a case of this is not what OP signed up for.

I would also say that when the kids are over 18 they will need £ for uni, travel, finding their feet. This will never end! You cannot force her to get a job.

For my sanity and because life is too short, I would move out and divorce. Just for the peace and quiet. On which you cannot put a price, IMO.

Sj, thé ex is extremely jealous of us. Apparently she was civil to dh until I came along and she has been very difficult to deal with since then, sabatoging our dates when she can and contacting us at completely ridiculous times regarding non-urgent stuff...just a few examples!

Hipster, agreed. My dh has now told me everything and assured me that any agreement that is now made is on a full and final basis with her. I will walk out if I find out it is anything other than that. Like somebody else said, why should her irresponsibility dictate our choices?!

And the funny(if you can call it that) thing is that she STILL sees herself as the victim in all this! Apparently when she dumped her kids on us over the summer (when she was supposed to have Them) she was in a homeless shelter as she had blown the 300k! I actually find this very difficult to believe given the high opinion she holds of herself..or perhaps I can, given her penchant for designer clothes and giving her son £20 for every tooth from the tooth fairy. If I put my son in such a situation, I would hate myself! How people on here seem to think she should continue to milk dh for money is beyond me, given her behaviour. She has no self awareness or sense of responsibility...

Is he ‘saying it’s full & final’ or it going to be legally binding? Is he getting legal advice?

Can It even be legally binding after the divorce (genuine question - I don’t know anything about it)?

You enjoy your job OP but let's face it the ex is not highly educated so likely to be a cleaner or if she is lucky a shelf stacker. She had 3 kids expecting to be a SAHM - her ex is loaded , why should she work? She comes from a society ,possibly, where women don't have high paid professional jobs. You seem to be overtly angry about her when you are comfortably off and DH is rich. There are people who sponge off others in all societies.
The DCs are the way they are because they have parents who have not brought them up to be pleasant. So not entirely the DCs fault.
I doubt the ex will work unless someone provides her with something easy and fun. So you need to be doing stuff to improve your life and ignoring her.
Why don't you have a cleaner, cook, part time nanny, nice holiday home on the coast, luxury holidays etc so that you and DH can make the most of the time you have togethrer. Your determination to be financially independent and not like the ex is marring what could be an easier and more fun life for you, DH and DS.

Alma, perhaps you have a point re holidays (can’t afford to buy a holiday home!). Already have a Cleaner and full time Nanny, but that’s due to the fact that we both work full time.

Hipster - by full and final, he means legally binding - approved by the court.
Yes it is possible to agree finances post divorce on a final basis. I have a friend whom has been engaged to a divorced guy for years, but will not marry him until his finances are agreed with ex on a full and final settlement...ex there dragging feet too.

So OP what is happening now? I had an ex that had 2 beautiful children. They however had a mother from hell and she caused so many problems in our relationship that when it ended I swore to myself I would never EVER be with a man again that had children because I couldn't cope with the ex....... I would rather poke my own eyes out and eat them than live in your situation. If you shouldn't worry yourself with there situation then you shouldn't be married. Your supposed to be a partnership which means you know EVERYTHING! Im shocked you don't know his ins and outs were money is concerned ? you do realise that in court your income is actually taken into consideration for your step children right. He shouldn't be paying anything once they turn 18.

A friend of mine was getting so worked up about the settlement he had to give his Ex, after she cheated and they got divorced. It's like blue smoke was steaming from his ears with fury.

Not sure if you're religious but I sent him this to calm down ....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

@SandyY2K I don't think that is helpful in this situation

@someonekillbabyshark That's life isn't it. Our opinions differ.

You don’t like his children? I couldn’t be married to someone who disliked my children.

Alma has just said something that I dearly wish someone had told me 5 years ago (along with handing me a crystal ball): Your determination to be financially independent and not like the ex is marring what could be an easier and more fun life for you it’s a great little bit of advice!