Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

Of course not...we would have to buy a bigger place though to accommodate them. The kids are not the nicest and don’t even like their dad- they never pick up when he calls, never enquiries after him and only contact him when they want something. They don’t even enquire after their little brother (my and dh son) when they know he has been ill. The younger one threw his birthday present from me in my face and told me he didn’t like it. I have tried so hard with them previously but they are fairly obnoxious. I just hope my son doesn’t turn out like them and i am going to do my best that he does not.

I don’t want to sit on my arse. I love my job and get enormous satisfaction from it. Neither do I like relying on hand outs from others.

His ex wife is his "proper" family and youre shit all to him by the sounds of it.

Divorce him.

Walk away now. You’re angry and resentful and I would be too. He has no right to give your family money to anyone.

I don’t know what you mean about the house. He doesn’t get to decide he’s not moving out. File for divorce, force the sale of the house, get a settlement, put in a claim for child support.

It sounds like he’s a better ex husband than a husband so I’d be going for that.

He’s lying to you. He’s giving your money away behind your back. He’s more loyal to his ex than to you. What do you gain by staying?!

Oh, and you hate his kids. What is to gained by staying with him?

Wow what a Jeremy Kyle arrangement you have there op!

All that drama.

You do know that you can't win don't you?

Instead of getting angry and doing your blood pressure no good whatsoever, why don't you take a back seat?

You enjoy your job, you love your son, you think your DH is a excellent if not spineless husband and father

You have his wicked ex and wicked stepdc ruining things for you.

You are married so it's going to be difficult extricating yourself.

If I were you I'd find my own place to live with my child and contribute only to that household.

He can have all his DC living with him, be a great bonding experience for him!

He sounds wealthy and so can afford all these people to support.May be he could get a housekeeper to help out?

Invite him over occasionally to yours if you still want to be married.

Prettyvase, thé same has occurred to me! Might be a good way of seeing if I actually want to be with him. Seems like he can certainly afford it!

@user1484986087 - tbh if I were you I'd be gone.
I have a similar situation with my dp in that his exw refuses to work. Fair enough, but she spends the kid's maintenance on herself - she wasn't awarded spousal maintenance - & then gives out to dp because he won't give her more money despite the court telling her to get a job to support herself. She also got a massive settlement along the lines of what your dp's ex received, plus a house & a car - both bought outright by dp.
Last week she made their eldest buy his own school uniform, school supplies & new glasses out of his birthday money - told him his dad wasn't giving her enough money to cover these things. She's either really trying to yank dp's chain or she's gone through all the settlement & is blowing the maintenance.
Dp however tells me all this & flatly refuses to give her anymore money. He pays £2500 maintenance a month for 3, all their dental & medical & all their hobbies, & is adamant when talking to her that if she wants money for herself she needs to earn it for herself as per court order.
Even though she tries to be dp's wife financially - he doesn't let her & I don't feel pushed aside financially.
I'd have a hard time stomaching what you are & like others have said I think he's treating you with a lot of disrespect.
If you make a break now it will be easier on your dc & with good childcare in place it will be more than ok. I've a good friend with a small dc who struck out alone & she's thriving.

It is certainly a stressful experience. I wish I hadn’t put myself in this situation and it is made worse by the fact that we have a young child (though I love him to bits)

Divorce him.

Then make him pay all YOUR bills considering that’s what he does for exwife1.

we agreed that we wouldn't have the stepkids full time

Poor childre n. Their df made a pact not to have them and now their dm doesn't want them either! OP you have a DH issue. He won't tell you what is going on, so you are assuming that she doesn't want to work and has blown the money. I would leave now and let's hope he offers you a £300k settlement.

It was very foolish of him not to sort out a full and final settlement or agree on monthly spousal support on divorcing.

They obviously had an amicable split for him to trust her as he would have sensibly obtained legal advice.

Is he this naive about everything?

BTW the older kids will need financial support if they go to university. Considering they're in private school that's very possible .

Oh OP, what a tough situation.

Here's the reality of the situation. If you get together with someone who has kids, you have to know that there could always be the scenario that they live with you FT. If anything happens to my EH or DP's EW, of course our DC would be with us FT. So any 'agreements' about not having DC fulltime is incredibly naive. If my DP ever said that to me, he wouldn't be my DP any more and vice versa.

I agree with the majority of the posters on here sadly. Your issue is not the EW, but it is your DH. You are married and whilst I think keeping finances separate is smart and healthy, I also think that married couples should have full financial disclosure and at least be involved in substantial financial decisions. Because, yes, they do impact you and your family and your future. That being said, your DH still has the right (I believe) to do whatever he feels he needs to do re his EW and kids.

What can I say? I agree with you wholly. She sounds incredibly entitled and selfish, probably knowing full well that he's a good man who will never see his children go without if he has the means. Doesn't remotely make him a bad guy IMO, the problem is the complete lack of communication. At best, he doesn't know how to handle this situation, at worst, he's incredibly disrespectful.

Putting my finance hat on, my biggest concern in this whole situation is the lack of clarity on finances. Did you both at least have full financial disclosure etc pre marriage? Do you know he can afford this or could he be running up debts? And if so, against what? Do you have any joint assets? credit cards? bank accounts etc? Because if he gets in a whole and your name is on any of them, you're liable.

Too sassy, we have a joint account but it is used for mortgage payments only. No other joint financial liabilities, bills are in individual names.
I too worry that I will be liable for any shortfall of payments of his, by virtue of marriage. Our flat is owned as tenants in common thankfully- I have a minimum share which
is protected.
I hate the lack of transparency too. Apparently it is because I don’t need to know about it, but I do in case things go wrong...when I say this, he just says I am being anxious (as I suffer from anxiety)!!!

Why on earth did he agree that he wouldn't have his kids full time? How can any parent promise that? I bet you wouldn't with your own young son.

Dear lord run for the hills and don't look back!

It does sound like an incredible situation now that I have put pen to paper (so to speak). His kids were always very hostile towards me so I suspect that it is why he agreed to it. If they were nice kids, I wouldn’t mind so much...but they are not. One even changed the time on her dad’s phone so that he missed a flight with me, when I was supposed to meet him at the airport.

Agree with pp. Get a little flat for you and DS and live your life with utter calmness and lack of drama. This sounds like it's only going to get worse. Your DH sounds like he feels so guilty he'll do anything ex and kids want. I feel for the older kids but maybe him having his own space for them would work better for everyone. I don't think you can continue as you are though.

How long have you been together, OP?

How was their divorce conducted, did the financial settlement get signed off in a consent order?

I guess it’s a moot point anyway as long as he continues to pay her.

Your dh is the one you have a problem with.

You were naive to think circumstances won’t change re his kids living arrangements. But what’s done is done.

Sadly the only power you have in this situation is the power to walk away. And cross your fingers re your own settlement.

I feel for you. It sounds awful.

Hipster, I hate it. I hate the constant drama with the ex and kids and the fact that I am not first with dh. One may argue that I should have known that anyway, and to some extent I was not bothered by it, but when O feel disrespected and sidelined by dh, it makes me feel hurt and angry. Just because he is pathetic enough to let the ex yank his string , doesn’t seem to be able to stand up to her . And the dread I feel when it is time for the stepkids to come around...it is truly awful. Yes, he is a good dad and not a bad person in many respects, but how do I go on like this?!

What a hideous situation. I'd do as others have suggested and move out. Call it a trial separation and see how you all get on. I suspect you won't go back after enjoying your own space and peace.

Ramp up your social life and try visiting family (with your son) a lot more when the SC come over.

That will give them time alone with him and you can get away from the craziness. It will also give you time with your DS.

When you have separate finances, you don't get a say really. If he's contributing the agreed amount if money to your household, you'll have to leave that asides for now and decide how you want the future to pan out.

I’ve had similar feelings, of course you know that your DH is the one to stand firm but I do understand about the Ex - as DP has a highly selfish manipulative Ex too - and I think it is very, very tough.

My DP has had periods of being more firm, more open, more of a team with me, but like yours then the pressure builds and Ex either says kids aren’t welcome with us or just dumps them full time, and there is then massive stress and upheaval, and this is then the lever for our DPs to give them more. They know it’s crap, feel bad, so then hide it from us, we are excluded, and the Ex becomes the person our DPs cowtow too above us.

It’s awful, abusive really. I’m exiting out of my relationship, it’s killed it unfortunately. And like you my step kids are distant and definitely on team Ex, despite me being their main parent when they needed one. It sucks!

Head for the hills really!

But also, even if you don’t leave, be VERY selfish yourself now, you have to be. You and your baby are number one. Make sure you don’t hold back in protecting your own zone, financially, emotionally. Be specific about how much you need, and how much you need DP to do to be a functioning part of your family.

Sympathies

And do please take no crap from your step kids. They should not ignore or cold shoulder you. I wish I’d stuck up for myself way sooner. Good luck.

Thank you all! Really helpful to hear your thoughts. So right about it ring my son and self first - I’m not s selfish person so generally happy to stand aside, but I will not let my son be ignored or pushed aside. Lots to think about.
The dh has his mediation (I think) tomorrow with his ex. Of course I won’t be told anything about the discussions but he will be in a foul mood.
Definitely going to get out more at weekends and will try to brave train alone to visit family more often (they live 3 hours away).
We are not really speaking to each other at the moment unless it’s about the baby. Not sure how late be this can last.