Walking away....

[user1484986087]

Been married for 3 years, have a 15 month old son with dh, 3 stepchildren..,and a high conflict greedy selfish ex-wife in the background. Not to mention a spouse whom bends to every demand put forward by the ex wife...really cannot handle this any more and considering divorce.

Ex wife has always hated the fact that dh moved on and she has not...she has poisoned her children against me to the point where I really dislike them being in my space as they are stand offish and cold towards me. The youngest has dreadful manners and I don’t want him influencing my son, but that is a different issue...

Dh paid ex wife c 300k as part of divorce settlement, albeit unrecorded but done informally on the basis of a full and final settlement. She does not work and chose to rent a property for herself and children in one of the most e pensive areas in London. Dh pays 1.5k child maintenance in addition.

Fast forward 3 years later, she claims to have spent the money and says she can not afford to live in private accommodation. Wants us to have the stepkids full time (this is impossible as both dh and I work full time in stressful jobs and our flat is too small for 4 kids in total). Refuses to work as “has a back problem”. Was supposed to have stepkids for part of summer but told dh she did not /could not have them.

Now my dh and ex wife are in mediation. Dh refuses to tell me anything about that is going ok but I have managed to glean from him that he is now paying all of ex wife’s rent and bills, in addition to child maintenance and school fees for his stepkids (17, 14 and 9 yrs).

Is it unreasonable of me to be angry regarding (1) the fact that h makes financial decisions regarding x wife without even telling me (I should add that our finances are separate but I do pay towards bills and childcare) and (2) the fact that I work full time and contribute to the household whilst ex does nothing and expects money on a plate from x husband?!!

At the moment, I am so angry and hurt at dh that as soon as my son is a bit older, I want to walk away from this marriage. The conflict with the x has been going on for the last 6 years with finances/child visits/drop offs and it never seems to end. Worse still is the fact that he seems to treat his ex wife as his wife in terms of financial obligations, I also worry about money for our son’s schooling whilst the ex is having a lifestyle essentially paid.....of course, there is a backstory to the dealings with the ex over the years but too much to go into. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone on here has been through similar, and how you dealt with it?

Wise words from KatieCornflake

Hope you’re doing ok OP.

Swing, I don’t really take your point. For one, the ex has poisoned them against me so they disliked me from
The start, in spite of my efforts towards them. So I barely think that anything I fail to say has anything other than a minor bearing on their feelings towards me. I’m any event, I’m past caring about their feelings towards me. I am civil to them and my concern is my marriage and child’s future.

Not doing great now - just come home to find dh not home so nanny working late - presumably he has gone to pick up kids as mediation yesterday (not that I’ve been told anything). Am dreading the weekend now and very annoyed as will now have to rearrange my plans around them, as I had no idea they were coming. Some dh....

Oh that’s awful, OP. Look after yourself. Perhaps make yourself scarce this weekend, stern convo needed after the weekend by the sound of it....

Seriously OP, use the weekend to peruse Rightmove. Find somewhere to rent for 6 months, and go. Enjoy your life, enjoy the peace and see if you can build things back up with your husband enough to make you want to move back in.

I think a good idea. Only he can move out - don’t see why I should. Don’t want to uproot my son. I’ve had enough of being disrespected in my own home.

Wouldn’t it make sense to wrest some control back of your life and your home (this would be paramount for me) and get a 2 bed flat?

I would think him and his dc would need more space.. and your son will very quickly adapt.

I think the reason he's not telling you about the finances is that he owes her spousal maintenance not just child maintenance. It wasn't a clean break. And he knows that. He's wealthy enough to have had a solicitor. The lack of transparency would make me go. Fine. Let him fund three households but he's going to be living in a box.

Thanks hipster. I’m just so angry and upset right now at being treated as piece of furniture by dh that I would get up and go to a hotel if it wasn’t for my son. I actually don’t know why he bothered marrying me as it seems his children get the best of him and everyone else comes way down the list (not the ex though, she’s an exception due to the kids).

I tried too hard as a stepparent, then completely stopped trying in order to save my sanity. @katiecornflake your story is so similar it gave me goosebumps reading it.

OP it is true, we are dropped naively into another families dynamics. If we are lucky, DP is strong enough, Exes have moved on enough, all adults are mature enough to make a new dynamic, to not manipulate or resent for years.

If we are unlucky, the dynamics are so toxic from the first family, and the Ex is often key in this as she can influence the step childre, that we will drown in it all. All we can do then is swim to an island and protect ourselves and our children. Whether our DPs join us is another matter.

So I barely think that anything I fail to say has anything other than a minor bearing on their feelings towards me. I’m any event, I’m past caring about their feelings towards me. I identify with this too. So true. It hit me like a brick one day that NOTHING I did made much difference to my step kids I difference. I had been so kind for years, still am, just very, very distant now. IMHO when the DSCs start to cold shoulder the SM over a long period, the nicer you are, the worse they treat you. It’s because it’s not about us at all. It’s what we represent.

I think it’s different if as SM you’ve come in and barged the children out. If you haven’t give those kids a decent chance. If you haven’t been adult and compassionate. Every SM needs to give DSCs a fair run. If you haven’t, that’d be pretty crap.

But it doesn’t seem like you have been less than fair OP. Although of course none of us truly know situations.

I think posters who pile on to assert that is an SM by her behaviour, actions, personality that have caused the DSCs to be indifferent totally miss the reality. You could be mother Theresa and it wouldn’t make a difference!

I am not rude to the sc. I am civil. I am not their mum and they will never forgive me for that. But seriously, it’s the lack of transparency and respect for me that has got to me this evening. How about telling me they were all turning up in the first place? And it was agreed that he would be asking to change their days at the mediation and that certainly hasn’t happened.

So...I had a conversation with dh last night. He’s finally told me what is happening - he has rented a place for ex and kids and proposed that all three now longer come on Friday night- Monday morning (which I find difficult as I work full time and no time to relax, especially in our small flat) In thé future and invited me to put my thoughts to him re when the older two (17 and almost 15) could come. I am going to say Saturday-Sunday for them.
I’m still annoyed about the fact that all this was hidden from me and the fact that he is paying her rent to an e tent. The Friday-Monday thing was annoying me so I’m glad it is being sorted. Ex likely to oppose as she knows it comes from me.
Still...the drama! Do I need this in my life?

We are also setting up a bank account for my son’s education as dh says quite plainly that there is no money left after ex rent and spousal maintenance paid out...!

Op, you really need to leave and get a life for yourself and your dc.
I’ve been there. Your dh is still completely committed to his ex and you are the “utility” wife as I think you already know.
You are there to fill the role and provide the physical side but his loyalty is to her. Get out now while your dc is young enough to adapt.

I think you are most likely right. But how do I compete with him putting a roof over his kids heads?! That’s how it is described to me.
Glad he’s finally told me about it but I still feel unsure about the whole thing. I just don’t know where to turn now.

Hence why I’m awake and posting on mumsnet!

@user1484986087 I think the only way things will even out is if you divorce him.
It’s no business of yours whether ex works or not, a. Why would she in this situation and b. What promises did he make her when he’s pulling all this deceitful shit with you.

With regards to your son, it sounds like your dh is as keen as you to put your son through same education as sc. so in that regards once the older two no longer have school fees funded surely that must free up some income for your son in the situation you divorce and sounds like your dh would be on board with that. He won’t grow a backbone because he doesn’t need to.

Also note that you working might actually put yourself at greater exposure for a lesser payout in the event of a divorce. I personally would see a solicitor for peace of mind even if I wasn’t actually divorcing. Mine advised me that working full time would allow me no spousal maintenance but not working at all wasn’t as favourable either.
You have no right to judge what ex does whether it’s right or wrong she’s really not much to do with you. Your dh actions only are what you should be angry at. And I would be bloody angry at his actions too.

Perhaps you could think of a few options, you leave him move jobs to a cheaper commuter area and put your son through a non London fee paying school which you may be able to afford alone.
The bitterness of ‘why should I pay’ is a bit silly imo. School fees are not something he has to pay unfortunately. He might if the dc are older and would mean taking them out of continuous education. Exw sounds like she shouts she she gets. What incentive does dh have to stop this when he has a current wife at home supplementing his life as well.
If sc are to come at weekends and you don’t feel comfortable, travel to see your family and build a network outside of this mess and leave him to entertain them, don’t even explain yourself just say you think this would be a nicer arrangement for you.

I’d also put money down he has got money left now but he will magically have to find it only when you divorce him.

the only way things will even out is if you divorce him

This is true I think. Maybe for your dh, guilt is a bigger motivator than love.

@user as a step child my step mother says all the things you do. My mother coached me, I didn’t accept her. It isn’t true. My mother never coached me, she wasn’t nice from the start she made sure I knew it was her turf etc. I’m not saying that is what you did but you don’t know that she has coached the children. If the children are unkind to their dad I would say there is something else going on. Your DH feels guilty over what only he possibly knows. You and your DH were wrong to make a pact saying the children were never going to live full time with you both. They know you don’t want them and so behave accordingly.

Faithless, I don’t think you have read my post where I say that I tried my utmost to be friends with them. They rebuffed me and one was actually very rude to me for a long while. I am not being uncivil to them but there is no love there on either side. I have my son, my work and my husband. And now a possible separation. I don’t have the mental energy to tap into for them.
And what do you expect from a mother whom refuses to let you meet her children on the grounds that you may perform black magic on them?!!

I think the thing is, OP has really done her best, and it’s not worked out.

Hi user;

I really feel for you...💐..DH has ex and 2 sc , who at first were difficult and bitter towards me due to his ex bare in mind she had moved on too!

Then they warmed to me, which was great , me and DH went on to have 2 dc and his ex had 2 with hers, but she just wouldn't move on!
Constantly in our relationship more bothered about ours than her own!

Finally reached boiling point told DH it was me or her!
He finally found the balls to tell her to focus on her relationship to this point she stopped all contact with his kids!

Stand up for you and your son and if he he doesn't walk away

I too expect there is an element of guilt involved and more secretive feelings and actions that your oh has kept from you.

Why has it come to evhead now? Because she is asking more money? What if the divorced judgement had said that he needed to give her much more than what was agreed and indeed had him pay spousal maintenance would it be easier to accept?

It is tough when you are a second wife. Divorces get more emotional the more money is involved which is why many wealthy men chose to stay with their wives unhappy rather then face this. He knows it upset you so is trying to protect you from it but in the end he can't prevent your anger.

If the ex is unemployed why is she not having her rent paid for? Sorry if I missed this.

My concern is also that there will be nothing left for my son’s education by ththe time the ex gets another 300k awarded and the school fees for the stepkids are paid.

You really need to get a savings plan in place for your son's education.

You also need to stop showing resentment over him paying school fees for his DC. They need the fees paid now, so he has to pay them. Is he meant to refuse because he needs to keep it for your son in another X years? How do you think his older children would feel about that?

You caught my attention with the black magic comment. I'm assuming from that the Ex is from Africa...I could be wrong...but I know in my country of origin some people do believe in it.

They had to be taught basic manners

This is the responsibility of both parents surely and your DH would have been in their lives in the formative years.

From what you've said...they behave this way only around you. They do well in school...so I'm sure they behave well there.

I would still question why an intelligent man (he must be smart to be earning what he does), would get divorced and not finalise the settlement legally. This is his fault, but it's easier for you to be angry with his Ex.

Again...I may be wrong, but if your DH and his Ex are from different ethnic backgrounds, (and you're the same race as your DH) then this could be an issue for his Ex rightly or wrongly.

The reason for their split may also be a contributory factor in her current behaviour.

I understand that you can only see it from your perspective...but if his Ex was a SAHM with his agreement and encouragement...then she might feel hard done by that she has limited work experience and is most likely not as highly educated as him, so has limited earning ability.

A pp said upthread that she may have been advised that £300k was nothing compared to what she should have got and your DH knows that. Perhaps that's why he didn't do it legally, because he knows she would also have been told that with legal advice.

With your recent updates, I'm seeing this situation a bit differently now. There's bound to be a lot more dynamics that you're not aware of.