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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 09/08/2018 16:18

But if he knew this money would be due why didn't he save it from the benefits he does receive?

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/08/2018 16:20

Because we can't afford that

He needs to pay something even if it's a couple of pounds.

The fact he isn't speaks volumes. He can afford to do a course yet doesn't support his DC. Not a great message really us it?

PaulMaPantzoff · 09/08/2018 16:22

I don’t work due to depression and anxiety but Im doing a degree with the OU. If it wasn’t for my studying I would probably not be here now. It’s a life saver. Shame on you all minimising mental health.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:23

You never said he did either, even when posters were discussing it. You said he received a student loan. You also repeatedly slated the ex for expecting something when he has nothing, but now reveal that she is aware he receives benefits so it is perfectly reasonable for her to expect a small contribution out of that.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/08/2018 16:24

Shame on you all minimising mental health.

Not minimising MH at all. Show me where I have.

He should be supporting his DC. He has responsibility towards them. He receives benefits some of that should go towards them.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:26

Well MH problems don't preclude you from paying a small amount out of your benefits for your kids, and OP has given him an ultimatum now to get a job so clearly she thinks he's up to it.

Elllicam · 09/08/2018 16:30

If he’s getting benefits he should be paying a minimal amount towards his children. £200 a year is £2 each per week. He could pay that.

m0therofdragons · 09/08/2018 16:34

So his dc should go to school naked?!

I hate this kind of thing. His dc should come above everything so if that means beans on toast for dinner then so be it. I cannot stand selfish dads who forget their responsibility and blame ex for being u for not filling the gap in his failings!

Jaxhog · 09/08/2018 16:42

No sympathy I'm afraid.

His FIRST DCs should always come first. If he can't support them, then he certainly shouldn't have had another child.

Why on earth should the exW compromise her life because her DCs father can't contribute anything? If he's been off work for 3 years, then he needs to get some help so he can support ALL his DCs. He made them, he needs to do his bit in supporting them.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 16:44

I didn't say anything about a student loan, I said student finance, I disclosed nothing about the amout which incidentally covers course fees only.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/08/2018 16:44

I don't think anyone should minimize the impact of poor MH. But it seems to be a very convenient excuse for doing sod all for some.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:47

Apologies, student finance not loan. But he does receive benefits so could make a payment towards his kids and it was completely reasonable of his exw to ask. She shouldn't have to ask.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 16:49

You're ignoring my point because you don't agree with it, that's your right I guess but I can't change how I felt or what I posted.
Picking at it isn't going to change what has happened, the only thing that will make a change is what I do from here on but you seem determined to keep niggling on this one point.if the point of mn is to be helpful and supportive you're doing the opposite

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 09/08/2018 16:51

OP. - you appear to have begun to take on board the views shared through your thread. Inevitably you will be torn between wanting a resolution and defending yourself/DH on here.

Presumably during the course of not just this thread but over the past few weeks, months, years - you have had conversations with your DH regarding his lack of contributions to the girls upbringing. What has his tone been? Is he remorseful of his lack of financial support, has he suggested ways in which he could save a little bit to pass on to the Ex-W, has he suggested taking up a p/t job, has he suggested you going f/t whilst he cares for your child etc?

I'm trying to get a sense of whether you stand any chance of moving him round to being a decent father. Or whether the sad reality is that you're looking at a relationship of dependency and scraping by. Is that what you want for your future and that of your child?

I sincerely hope that there is a positive outcome to this Flowers

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:56

I don't think posters are required to support things that are indefensible. I guess I just don't get it. I don't get how he could go year after year without supporting his kids, without even trying to offer something, instead just being happy that the DWP apparently said he doesn't have to. I also don't get why anyone would want to be with a man like that, let alone procreate with them. I'm posting quite a bit because we know how many NRPs shirk their responsibilities yet on MN everyone will claim that their partner pays over the odds. It's rare to see someone posting so honestly about their partner not supporting his kids, and defending it. I feel very sorry for his daughters and I hope they don't end up feeling second best.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 16:59

His FIRST DCs should always come first

I agree he should be paying towards them but I do not agree that his first DCs should always come first. If that’s the case then does that apply to first borns of all families?

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 17:03

I'm not suggesting you support that, I've said (again repeatedly) I've been wrong!!
What you are doing is trying to make me feel worse about myself by picking at the things I cannot change, I hope you've enjoyed yourself.

It's not for you to judge why I chose to have a baby with my husband and just because you don't understand it doesn't make you right and me wrong it just makes us different.

I also never supported this non payment, I was frustrated that I'm in this situation and I feel stuck, read back you will see that I've said that.

Lastly you're making an unfounded accusation that his daughters may not feel loved. Seemingly choosing to ignore the part where I said I deliberately did not talk about that relationship as it's separate from this and I love them dearly. You are only seeing what you want to see

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 17:09

Actually if you post on a public forum that your husband pays ZERO for his kids and you can't afford to provide them with even the basics when they visit, but you decided to have another baby then yes, people can judge. I judge you both for that and I don't really care what you think about that. But clearly you are upset that your sudden conversion from slagging off the ex and colluding in child neglect to 'seeing the light' hasn't fooled everyone so I will leave you to it. I hope he manages to find a job soon for everyone's sake.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 17:09

I'm now going to hide this thread and hope it falls off active.

I'm trying to fix this but reading the responses that are still picking at the original post are upsetting and to be frank I've had a shitty couple of days.

I know I don't deserve any sympathy given what a tool I've been but please be assured I'm going to make positive changes.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
colditz · 09/08/2018 17:10

Can I offer a perspective you may not have thought of? My children, like your step children, only have one contributing parent. That parent is me.

If I behaved like your partner, my children would have been removed by the social services and not given back, because refusing to contribute to their upbringing is neglect.

If I decided my benefits should only be used on ONE of my children, and the other (in his case other two) should receive nothing from me, I would be criminally charged.

LITERALLY the only reason your partner is getting away with this is the ex wife you bitched about.

SHE is what is standing between your partner, and charges of criminal neglect of a child.

And that is because SHE is picking up all the slack.

Mental health is irrelevant to the fact that he is choosing to contribute NOTHING. He could give £50 a year, it would buy a pair of school shoes, and all he's have to do is skip eating meat once a week. he could look for part time work, earn ££30 for four hours a week and give each child a tenner!

He has done nothing except live off you and his ex wife (because she IS funding him with her work, by paying for his children single handedly when the responsibility is half his)

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 17:11

And nobody who loves a child dearly begrudges them the use of a towel. I'd lend a stranger a towel if they needed it!

lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 17:11

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colditz · 09/08/2018 17:12

I understand why you had a baby. You trusted him to get his act together, I know, I've bloody been in those shoes.

But he really isn't going to.

swingofthings · 09/08/2018 17:14

OP, I expect you are under a lot of stress, deep inside wanting to do well yet feeling trapped that you can't. You took your anger on the ex because she is the only person you don't care for and it's easier that way.

I bet deep inside you are quite a caring person and that's why you've been so supportive of your OH. You fail for his feeling sorry for himself because he gave you a sob story about how hard he had it. You felt bad for him and took your anger on the ex because you let him convince you that she was the cause of his negative feelings.

Do remember that this is a virtual forum, a lot of strangers giving their views on the basis of a few of your posts. As much as it's great that it has allowed you to reflect on your situation, don't go and take it all at heart because no of us know you nor your OH.

I hope you have family and friends to speak to who can advise you with better knowledge of your situation. Ultimately though, don't let your OH put pressure on you to pick up his issues and stresses. He has to be responsible for his actions or lack of.

Ginger1982 · 09/08/2018 17:17

Glad you've realised how badly you come across OP. For ex to do a degree is indulgent but not for your DH to study? Anyway, think how you would feel if you were the ex and he was giving you no money for your DS. Hope you can sort it out.