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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/08/2018 13:57

Breaking this down...the ExW is asking for less than £8.33 per month, per child. That's a pittance. Maybe he can set up a monty standing order for that amount (£16.66 or round it up to £17) to her and explain that he can't manage £200 at once.

It costs more to feed a dog per month.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 14:05

It's been calculated by dwp that dh does not need to pay any cms and if he did it would be deducted from this, we have a copy of this letter as does exw.

I imagine she thinks the money for uniform will come from this benefit he is in receipt of, what I'm saying is it has never been suggested that I shoulder this payment, I just felt on this occasion it would make life easier for us if I gave what I could. I'm only clarifying this because of the assumptions made that exw demands I make this payment.

As for the other money coming in to my house I'm not prepared to disclose that info, I've hardly
pained myself in glory so far on this thread so have little to gain about lying about money, just be assured that I'm 100% honest about what we can and cannot afford.

Dh is not studying full time rather a part time course that is a pre cursor to a degree. I agree he should working around this and this is the reason I have left for a few days as this is non-negotiable now.

I have buried my head in the sand for a while and am trying to rectify this as best as I can.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 14:08

"Dh is not studying full time rather a part time course that is a pre cursor to a degree. I agree he should working around this and this is the reason I have left for a few days as this is non-negotiable now.

I have buried my head in the sand for a while and am trying to rectify this as best as I can."

Good to hear this op!

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 14:10

So he is in receipt of benefits? I don't understand why he isn't liable for a token CMS payment then, or why he wouldn't want to make a contribution anyway whether he's been told he needs to or not?

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 14:11

And it's good that you have told him he needs to get a job, this situation isn't fair on you either.

lyinginthesundrinkingbubbles · 09/08/2018 14:12

Finances aside, I just hope when your step daughters do stay you treat them kindly and fairly as you would treat your own child.
I fear from what you say that this isn't the case and whilst you seem to be coming round to blaming your DP for much of your predicament how you treat those girls when they are in your house is something you definitely can control.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 14:28

I also have never indicated I am unkind or uncaring to the girls, I deliberately didn't reference my relationship with them as I feel that's a different thing entirely, it's not dictated by finances They are wonderful girls and I love them dearly.
I know I've made some flippant comments, particularly the swimming one, but that is irrelevant to the love and care they receive.

OP posts:
Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 14:29

As mentioned previously they are 9 and 11, more then capable of saying they don't wish to come over which they would if they didn't feel wanted and loved here

OP posts:
swingofthings · 09/08/2018 14:57

So it's going to be 4 years before he gets his degree. Surely college/uni is out now so again what is stopping him working over the summer months?

Are you happy with the degree he is wanting to study? If he can't cope with work pressure I hope it isn't a teaching or nursing degree. If he is indeed planning to get a degree that is known to lead to good careers fair enough but if not then I would sincerely question his intention to work at all. Even if a good job he'll have his student debts to repay.

Faithless12 · 09/08/2018 15:01

@lunatrap it’s rubbish is why. He should be paying maintenance, OP isn’t really taking it in. She’s making all the right noises but still defends him. I’ve known people to pull all the strings but still have to pay the minimum of £7 a week. Op doesn’t want her DH to pay anything towards the ex’s children (even though they are his as well) look at what she’s written. Comments about why should the ex expect any money she wants to have the benefits of being with him without actually being with him. TBH I don’t believe OP has changed her stance at all nor do I believe she had any intention of either delivering the cheque or honouring it.

deepsea · 09/08/2018 15:05

It is a rare moment when you see such a breakthrough on MN but op you have gone from being the villain on this thread to someone we are all cheering on!

You have totally realised that he is taking advantage of you, you have gone to your parents for a few days to consider your next move. You know sound emboldened that he must get a job and start providing for all of his children.

I can only congratulate you for sticking with this thread ( it couldn’t have been easy reading some of the posts) and for standing up to this man.

I hope you will update us soon that he has a proper job and things have improved Cake

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 15:15

@Faithless12 at least I can say my reactions have been emotional because they are tied to a real situation.
What is your excuse for making all of those assumptions about a person you don't know.
You have no idea about my intentions

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 15:32

I do hope your DP steps up and that you push this. Not only is he shirking his responsibility to his daughters but he is also making your life harder by not contributing financially to your home, so your son is also missing out.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 15:48

TBF faithless has a point. You've spent a lot of this thread arguing that your DH doesn't have the ability to pay, and now reveal he is in fact in receipt of some benefits but just can't be forced to pay. Is it any wonder posters think your intentions are to support him in not paying? If you thought he should this would have been a while different thread!

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 15:49

*whole

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 15:56

Tbf @LunaTrap as far as I can see with the proof from dwp stating he is not required to make cms payments and they would make that deduction if necessary it's not unreasonable for me to say there are no means to pay, especially considering I borrow and scrape by as it is.
I never once said I support it, i did say I wish we were in a position to make the payments as we used to.
This is simply pps picking out the parts of the story they want and running with it, but if it makes you feel better to make those assumptions despite it being there in black and white then crack on.

As I've said I'm doing my best

OP posts:
ThreeIsACharm · 09/08/2018 15:59

The OPs anger us 100% correct it is just directed at the wrong person.
The anger she has for the exw should be directed to her dh (deadbeat husband)

ThreeIsACharm · 09/08/2018 16:04

Which is does now seem to be.
Good luck OP Flowers

the other part of my message disapeard Confused

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:05

He has an income though, and he won't even make a £5 payment to his kids out of it because he hasn't been told he 'has to.' And you chose to have a child with him knowing this. And you have supported it, everytime you attacked the exw for daring to ask for a bit of help from him.

PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 16:06

I actually think its terrible you can claim benefits for "depression" that is suppose to be so bad that you apparently "cant work" but you can study??

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 16:07

Because we can't afford that bloody hell what's so difficult to understand about that, you're like a dog with a bone!!
I've said (repeatedly) I've been wrong about this what more do you want from me!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 16:07

It's like you're sticking the boot in for fun now

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 16:11

What pp are saying is that he has some kind of income and he may have been told that he doesn’t HAVE to make a payment to his ex but that he should WANT to make a payment even a nominal amount £2 a week per child would cover the school uniform contribution over a year.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 16:14

Because nearly 400 posts in you decide to say well actually he does have an income, he receives benefits, after implying for most of the thread that he has nothing and any contribution would have to come from you. Of course posters are going to comment on that because it's pretty shocking.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 09/08/2018 16:16

I never said he doesn't receive benefits, please show me where I did

OP posts: