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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 12:48

You don't know what the exw knows. She might think he claims benefits, or has a student loan. She might think OP gives him an allowance he could use. She might even think that reminding him he has obligations will mean he gets a job and starts contributing. Of course she is entitled to remind him he has kids to support, it isn't her job to work out how her ex's household is funded and whether it is reasonable to ask him to make a payment or not.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 12:50

Guardianofmygalaxy

Exactly. There was another thread recently where the op was in a very similar situation and there was an almost unanimous flood of replies saying she shouldn’t be paying money to the ex. Not sure what’s different about this one to be honest because if he’s out of work then it’s still not up to a woman to pick up the pieces for him. The only time I think it makes a difference is when they make a decision together for him to be a SAHD. Again not the case here. He’s just dragging his feet getting another job.

I think the only thing said by the op that I didn’t agree with was the towels Confused Oh and clothes for their house. Everything else the op has a point.

colditz · 09/08/2018 12:51

Most people who aren't working receive some unemployment benefit, and people ARE expected to contribute £260 a year of this befefit towards their children

Baumederose · 09/08/2018 12:54

To be honest if you take on a man with children, they were there first and come as part of the package deal.

The household income is therefore used to subsidise the previous life including the children from the previous relationship. Just because he is contributing zero to the household income is not the fault of the ex wife. It's his.

That's the deal when you take on someone with kids from a previous relationship. Your household income will end up paying for them. Bit late now to whine.

This is not an issue for the ex wife. This is the man's issue and unfortunately because OP lives with him and therefore there is a household budget, it's become her problem indirectly.

Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 12:54

Tbh the ex is probably just fed up of having to do and provide everything for the two children.

Or maybe she figures as it is an annual thing that their dad may have put a few pounds aside each week like a parent who gave a shit would do. She really isn’t expecting much £200 is peanuts compared to the overall cost of raising two children and no doubt she will be the one replacing the shoes or shirts or whatever in a few months when the dc grow.

I feel sorry for her to be honest, how shit to know that your kids are cared for so little by their dad.

Guardianofmygalaxy · 09/08/2018 12:54

It’s in the first 3 posts that she knows.

I’m not disputing that ops husband should be paying maintenance and doing all he can to support all of his children. But the op is actually taking food out of her own mouth to pay for his kids, which she shouldn’t have to. If I was the ex wife and knew I was doing that to another woman who has no legal obligation to do so I would be ashamed.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 12:56

Do you think the OP has a point that the exw shouldn't be studying as that is an indulgence, and she could then work full time instead of part time and not need to ask her ex for a contribution, fun?

Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 12:56

OP isn’t giving them any money Guardian. Nobody is contributing to them apart from their mum and her DH.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 12:59

Guardian the exw asked their father for a contribution. There is nothing shameful about that. And they are saying no to making a contribution anyway, like they have for the past 3 years.

colditz · 09/08/2018 12:59

. If I was the ex wife and knew I was doing that to another woman who has no legal obligation to do so I would be ashamed.

I'd be ashamed to support a man in financially abandoning two of his children, I'd be ashamed if my wife was considering paying for my children so I didn't have to worry my pretty little head about it, personally, but the point is moot. The ex wife has received nothing for 3 years.

Guardianofmygalaxy · 09/08/2018 13:00

The household income is therefore used to subsidise the previous life including the children from the previous relationship

Not at all. The nrp has the responsibility, not the step parent. It seems the csa agree which is why the calculation is based on individual income, not family.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/08/2018 13:02

Why ashamed? The OP has made a choice to be in a relationship with this man. It is not unreasonable that the ex reminds him of his responsibilities. I would guess she asks every year because why not? Not particularly because she believes it will result in payment. I’m 10 years with no maintenance - I gave up asking around year 5 but realistically, I never expected to receive anything after the 6 month point.

Guardianofmygalaxy · 09/08/2018 13:02

@lunatrap the exw asked the father for a contribution which the op has been guilted into giving.

It’s between her dh and his exw. Shouldn’t be anything to do with her.

Baumederose · 09/08/2018 13:02

It's still the household income though, isn't it!

It's not the exw problem there is a lack of funds. It's the mans and to an extent, OPs.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 13:03

The idea that it is the exw, solely supporting her kids, studying and working, doing the travelling to facilitate contact, who should be ashamed in this situation is seriously bizarre. OP should be ashamed to begrudge her stepkids use of towels and defend her deadbeat husband, and her husband should be ashamed that his wife is borrowing money from her parents whilst he decides to 'better himself' instead of supporting any of his 3 kids.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 13:04

Do you think the OP has a point that the exw shouldn't be studying as that is an indulgence, and she could then work full time instead of part time and not need to ask her ex for a contribution, fun?

I think people should be able to study if they can afford to do so. If she can then good in her. We know the op’s dh clearly can’t afford it so he’s unreasonable. I can’t really say about the ex.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 13:05

OP hasn't given any money. She wrote a cheque in a dramatic gesture and then decided that she wasn't going to give it. Which is absolutely her right. But let's not pretend the OP's household is making any sacrifices for the sake of the exw or the non resident children. They pay NOTHING.

colditz · 09/08/2018 13:06

The NRP is failing to meet his responsibilities to any of his children.

And if he was so ill he was unable to undertake any meaningful activity, I would feel very sorry for all involved.

This is not the situation.

OP's partner studies full time instead of having a job. This is his choice.

Op's step children are ENTIRELY unsupported by their father. This is his choice.

OP engages with the ex wife instead of leaving it to her Dp (until now, it seems!). Again, this is her choice.

Ex wife did not choose to raise two children alone. She did not use a sperm donor. She has not offered to sever the father's parental rights.

Op's partner has THREE CHILDREN and he has a legal and morall obligation to all of them, which he fails to meet.

Op has had a kicking for whining about her step children's mother asking for less than £5 a week contribution from Op's partner's presumed benefits, which, if he were claiming benefits instead of living off OP, he would legally be obliged to pay

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 13:06

Just because he is contributing zero to the household income is not the fault of the ex wife. It's his.

It’s also not the op’s fault either. She’s solely providing for her child just like the ex is. There’s one person causing them both to suffer and that’s him.

colditz · 09/08/2018 13:10

Gaurians, maybe OP feels guilty to be morally supporting a deadbeat father? Regardless, she's not sending any money so I don't know why you're banging on about it.

I'd certainly feel guilty if all of my partner's parenting energy was going towards MY child instead of ALL of his children. I'd certainly feel guilty for enabling a deadbeat to avoid his legal and moral obligation to pay maintenance to his two non resident children. I'd feel very guilty indeed to know that I was hogging every last resource this man was capable of providing for my own child, knowing he has two others he doesn't suppot.

PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 13:12

She is enabling him though @fun, as hes living off of her income which is an often exploited loophole used by child maintenance dodgers.

Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 13:16

As OP is working part time and that is the only income I imagine they are also in receipt of tax credits/housing benefit etc or universal credit and I bet it is is OPs name.

deepsea · 09/08/2018 13:18

Op's deadbeat husband has set himself up very very nicely.

"Studying" to better himself could go on for twenty years at least by then it will be time for another illness of some description, and in the meantime ex wife pays all the bills and raises his children, and current wife works, pays all the bills and raises his children, HE on the other hand gets to sit back and do absolutely sweet FA.

He has sown up the situation perfectly.

Poor ex wife and poor op both totally played like fools. Admittedly not much the ex wife can do, but if I was op I would be giving him an ultimatum get off your hairy backside and get a job or get out.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 13:21

She is enabling him though @fun, as hes living off of her income which is an often exploited loophole used by child maintenance dodgers.

She needs to pluck up the courage to kick him out if he won’t look for a job. I doubt she’s enjoying it the way she’s living with him. When my partner was made redundant and he went through a lazy phase feeling sorry for himself I gave him an ultimatum- find a job or get out. Worked for me.

PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 13:27

Totally agree @fun