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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 09:47

Why's he just been downgraded to DP? That make you feel better about differentiating your husband's children from 'my family'?

Why can't get new husband help more? Surely he knew what he was taking on?

Hmm
pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 09:48

Also how do you demonstrate being happy to contribute normally? Isn't the whole story that you don't contribute?

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/08/2018 09:54

I'm more then happy to contribute normally but not to the detriment of my family.

They are part of your family. They are your DS siblings and your DH children.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 09/08/2018 09:54

I gave up work to become a mature student because my mental health was taking a dive being stuck in a dead-end job and coming home to 4 very full-on DSCs but I could just about cope with studying a subject I found interesting. But I still contribute via student loan, savings accumulated pre-DH and - crucially - I don't have children of my own to support. If I did then I would absolutely have stayed in my miserable dead-end job. If I was ill enough to not even work PT then I certainly wouldn't be able to do a degree, which is still stressful in its own way.

Your DH definitely needs to step up, your own mental health might be at risk if he continues to burden you with everything. Good luck in getting things sorted.

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2018 10:03

Leaving to sort your head sounds wise - this is your DP problem and he needs to step up

PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 10:15

It is your dps problem but you are enabling him by financially supporting him.
Unfortunately getting your partner to work for you is a loophole in regards to getting out of having to make child maintenance payments.
He is totally taking the piss if he can study he can work.
The ex wife sounds pretty amazing he completely avoids all financial responsibility towards his kids to which she pays for everything even dropping them off wasting her own money paying for petrol and her time.
If it wasnt for her its unlikely he would see his kids at all as he "couldn't afford to pick them up" hes full of excuses.
Hats off to the ex wife!

SandyY2K · 09/08/2018 10:32

Dh can sort this

Exactly. It's his problem. You don't have parental responsibility for his DC.

Your DH is sherking his responsibilities as a father.

Here you are going through all this stess and I bet it doesn't bother him one iota.

I can see why she left him.

You're trying uour best. I totally agree that your DC is your priority. As the Ex's DC are her responsibility.

You really don't have a catch of a man there.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/08/2018 10:37

" not to the detriment of my family."

but your DH's children ARE your family...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/08/2018 10:37

If you’re household income is so low you should eb eligible for some benefits?

MrsBartlettforthewin · 09/08/2018 10:41

Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement. That deficit would cover the costs she's asking for.

If her house hold are In a position that she can study good on them that isn't up for you to decide. All you should be concerned with is if your DH is fulfilling his obligations as a father. Your DH should be providing 50% of what his kids need. Just because he is the non resident parent doesn't mean he gets to opt out.

If he is well enough to study he is well enough to work. Doesn't have to be something stressful just something that pays a wage packet.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 11:20

Poor kids and their poor mother

What if the op literally does need it though and it’s her last bit of money? Is she supposed to go without food and electricity as long as other people are ok?

Karigan198 · 09/08/2018 11:23

Surely nobody is expecting OP to pay? They are his kids and he should be paying. Even people on benefits have to contribute.

She should hand the reins over to her useless husband and let him deal with the problem he has caused.

funinthesun18 · 09/08/2018 11:37

People are expecting the op to pay on behalf of him. Yes if he’s receiving sickness benefits he should contribute.

To be honest if I was the op I would be absolutely fuming with him allowing everything to fall on to me.

pigeondujour · 09/08/2018 11:41

What if the op literally does need it though and it’s her last bit of money?

I'm not disputing that they don't have much money - that'll happen if you have one part time job between two adults with three children. My sympathy still lies with the person working full time and making up all of their shortfall, tbh.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 11:43

I think people just think he should be making some kind of contribution from whatever money he is using to live on, wherever he gets it from. He is being fed and clothed somehow.

Guardianofmygalaxy · 09/08/2018 12:00

Was in a similar situation with my dps ex.

DP had an accident and couldn’t work. Was claiming ESA and waiting for a dla assessment as his injuries were life changing.

He used to pay £500 per month to exw for his 2dc but could no longer pay. The Csa said he had to contribute £5 per week from his ESA, which he did.

His exw expected Me to top up the difference from my salary.

So not only was I paying the full mortgage, all bills and costs of living for myself and my own children, bar dps £70 esa (me and dp didn’t have any dc together then, I was 4 weeks pregnant when he had the accident but I didn’t find out til I was 17 weeks) I was expected, by exw, to pay towards her children too.

I paid all costs when they were with us every weekend but we were struggling so much that we almost lost the house. There was no spare money at all. And yes, feeding and clothing my own children was MY priority (not his) and my obligation, as it should be. We’re still paying off debts related to that time now.

It’s shit that he couldn’t pay as much towards them but he did what he legally had to until his situation improved.

He doesn’t pay anywhere near the £500 a month he used to, but that’s because he cant afford to. I subsidise his children when they’re here, and they don’t get treated differently to mine when they’re in our home, but when they’re with their mum I refuse to finance them. That’s up to their mum and dad.

Their financial situation wouldn’t be any different if dp was single, or still with his exW.

deepsea · 09/08/2018 12:05

Well that is the first post from you that I agree with, yes op, dh CAN and should be sorting this.

It is not your job to work, pay the bills, raise his son AND pay for his children. Absolutely not a chance.

I am glad the penny seems to be dropping. He is treating ALL of you very very badly, all the while 'studying' and not supporting ANY of you. It just isn't on. He is a freeloading CF and going to your parents for some time to think is right. Let me call his ex wife and let him decide what to do with his children's uniform.

LunaTrap · 09/08/2018 12:06

That situation isn't remotely comparable. OP's husband is now well enough to study, and is actively choosing not to work, even part time, as he wants to 'improve his prospects' instead. He doesn't even pay £5 minimum and the OP is complaining about providing the basics on contact visits.

deepsea · 09/08/2018 12:06

me - him

colditz · 09/08/2018 12:09

I don't dispute that OP is poor and can't afford to give ex wife money. Nor do I think OP SHOULD give ex wife any money.

I think she should, however, stop defending the useless article cocklodging with her. That man OWES all three of his children a living. Children are born OWED a living from their parents. Op's child is supported solely by her, Ex wife's children are supported by Ex Wife and her new husband.

I'm really glad you're going to your parents for a bit, OP. You might get some perspective from them about how frustrating it is to be supporting your partner - I'm sure they're not happy about bankrolling the child he should be paying for (yours!) while he indulges himself in full time study.

I have suffered clinical anxiety and depression all my life, and sometimes I haven't worked because of it. But I don't expect anyone else to pay for my children when I am capable of study, because if I am capable of study I am capable of holding a cleaning job. Studying is for people who either have no responsibilities or have someone happily bankrolling them. That is not your partner's position.

KissMeLikeYouMissMe · 09/08/2018 12:18

lycan I think going to stay with your parents is a good call.

Your dp needs to wake up and understand his responsibility to all 3 children. Could he not get a pt job just so that he could contribute something? I know everyone is different but when my MH has been bad in the past I've found routine and getting out of the house and putting on a happy face have massively helped improve my overall wellbeing. Hiding away makes it all the more harder to do something about it.

colditz · 09/08/2018 12:21

If he was claiming any benefit, he'd be required to pay £5 a week from them. That's £260 a year.

She's asking him for less than £5 a week for the upkeep of two children, for Christ's sake. How can you possibly think she's in the wrong?

SandyY2K · 09/08/2018 12:25

I was expected, by exw, to pay towards her children too.

I would NEVER expect another woman to financially provide for my children.

Just as I don't think any man should expect another man to do the same.

The issue is the way the OP started the thread off ...saying thr Ex was being unfair...but she has now realised that was wrong.

Thesearmsofmine · 09/08/2018 12:36

I feel for you OP because it is awful living on a tiny income BUT your DP could change that. He could get a job, 3 years is a long time to not be working and if he is able to study he is able to get a part time job at least even if it is working nights or doing a job he doesn’t particularly want to do. I have read the whole post and haven’t seen any reason he couldn’t do that.

His ex wife sounds great tbh, she has provided everything her children need and more for, only asking for a minimal contribution from your DP. I bet she knows that if she doesn’t bring them to your house you DP wouldn’t bother seeing them most of the time. I know a daughter of a deadbeat dad who didn’t bother with her and now she is an adult she doesn’t bother with him at all, her step dad walked her down the aisle and is the one she calls dad.

Guardianofmygalaxy · 09/08/2018 12:40

But the exw in the op is expecting it.

Regardless of the fact that ops dh is a deadbeat loser, his ex wife knows he’s not working and is being subsidised by his new wife. Therefore when she’s asking for money, she knows for a fact that it’s coming out of OPs pocket. That she’s taking another woman’s money.

Op has written some shitty stuff but i think she has a point.