Unfair exw

[lycanwolf]

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

[Seniorschoolmum]

So your dh contributes nothing, leaving his ex to do all the raising, provide a home, pay the bills, food, clothes, childcare and everything else! Sorry but he has children to support, an 18 year responsibility.

School uniform including shoes is about £80 a year per child minimum, so your dh should be contributing half.
And he should have clothes, toys and toiletries for his children at his house. That is the norm.
If your dh gets sick pay, he needs to contribute from that. Or he needs to find a less stressful job so he can get back to supporting his children.

If he is off work this summer holiday, presumably he is caring for his children during the day to cut the childcare bills.....?

[StepBackNow]

The ex-wives club are out in force, OP. Ignore them.

Your DH is ill and needs your support. The kids won't starve and the ex is very unreasonable for asking when she knows the circumstances.

Those who think he can magic up the money - did you not read that OP's parents are helping to support them? Should they give some to the ex as well?

Only on MN.

[TeddyIsaHe]

StepBack fucking hell 😂😂😂 what does the mother do if she has depression and can’t work? Just ignore her children and pay nothing/do nothing?

“Ex wives club” no, just decent parents.

[presentcontinuous]

Go easy, people, it's not unreasonable to send DC off to their other parent with clothes! I pack clothes for my DS when he goes to his dad's, it makes sense, it's pointless having 2 full wardrobes of clothes as long as everything comes back in good condition.

BUT your DH should be contributing at least something to his DDs from whatever income he has.

[LuluBellaBlue]

@stepbacknow so you honestly think this situation is ok???
He only sees his children EOW and pays nothing towards them, yet OP thinks the exw should even be providing full provisions for when they stay at their house

[lycanwolf]

I don't think she should provide everything just if we're going swimming bathers and towel etc..
I have my own ds to consider and he needs these things,obviously he is my priority she should have this stuff ready to go

All I wanted was some compassion through a rough patch, it's hard on me too I hate asking for help but I need it.

[LunaTrap]

The ex isn't being unreasonable for expecting her children's other parent to make an contribution to their costs and provide the basics for them on contact visits. That is the bare minimum a parent should be doing so it certainly isn't 'bad enough' that she thinks any of it. If circumstances are so bad that he cannot even stretch to a few bits from primark then he needs to let her know asap so she can budget accordingly. But there is nothing unfair about what she has asked for.

[Appleofmypie]

If the mother had depression and couldn’t work she would get benefits for them.

[PrettyLovely]

"The ex-wives club are out in force, OP. Ignore them."

I am a stepmum as well as ex wife, There is no way I would expect my stepsons Mum to pay for clothing for dss whilst he is with us, or pay for his toys. I would feel terrible if my husband wasnt paying child maintenance, We are comfortable now but we have been through times in the past of struggling with bills for a period of time also having more going out than coming in, at no point was maintenance stopped.
Its just not on to take no responsibility for your kids and blame the ex wife for it.
Theres plenty of rps that suffer with mental health problems and still take responsibility for their kids.

[LunaTrap]

You think she should provide towels??

[LunaTrap]

And you can afford swimming?

[Beaverhausen]

OP just said the magic words "her DS is the priority".

If you DH is not paying any maintenance the least he can do is help towards school uniform.

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

I feel for you op.
When I was married previously his exw stopped him seeing his ds's because he/we couldn't afford them a branded coat each that cost £80 a piece!! He was on the sick after repeated surgery and we got benefits. He paid csa as it was then.
Suggest a few items off the list. I paid £8 for 5 pack polo tops from Tesco. Shirts cheap also.

[SillySallySingsSongs]

I have my own ds to consider and he needs these things,obviously he is my priority she should have this stuff ready to go

Yes but all your DH DC should be his priority. He isn't doing that.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" Only on MN."

oh gosh yes only on MN do mothers share the opinion that men who don't pay for their children, and the women who collude in it with them, are not reasonable.

A totally shocking opinion in the real world, I am sure..

[mineisarossini]

He should absolutely be paying half for their uniform and other contributing costs for food and clothing when he stays with you. They are HIS children op, so he has to provide for them.

I appreciate he is not in good health, but he still has responsibilities, they don't magically disappear the minute you have MH issues, he has to do what the rest us all do, get some treatment and get on with it.

[AmIAWeed]

You say in your post she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this. which suggests to me your financial problems are an ongoing issue and he hasn't being paying her anything for a long time. If he is off work he should be getting paid sick pay or SSP.
I do not believe for a minute he isn't getting either of the above AND you get little support in terms of benefits, unless of course he isn't off work sick but is on long term unemployment...? If that is the case what are you doing to improve your situation, why aren't you working full time?

I am afraid whilst you may only have 1 child he has 3 and ALL of those kids need a roof over their head, food and clothes including school clothes.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" she should have this stuff ready to go "

no, the two of you are responsible for the children and their activities when they are staying with you, not their mother.
'should have the stuff ready to go' ffs.

[lycanwolf]

Thing is she'd easily be able to afford it if she didn't buy such expensive things.
No 9yo NEEDS 3 pairs of branded trainers neither does a 11 yo need a river island coat.
That's what she spends her money on, if she cut back it would be easy

I keep saying this is only temporary, he'll be back at work soon he's studying right now to give himself better prospects. Depression and anxiety were due to burnout in a high pressure role.

I hate this, I've come across poorly on here I'm just so fed up I feel like I can't win

[mineisarossini]

Btw you really don't sound like a loving or caring step parent at all. All abit of an endurance dealing with his dc is it? And now he is a dead weight as well.
Seriously your attitude towards them needs to change they will grow to hate you.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

no, hang on , Lycanwolf, it is not up to you to judge the price and quality of what she buys for her children, when your partner buys them nothing. It's a complete non sequiter.

[DasPepe]

Wtaf you can’t provide towels for them?

So they come to you most eow and it sounds like you treat them worse than you would your own children’s friends. I bet they you if you were taking your dc’s friend swimming you would offer them a towel and say it’s no problem.

I hope you feed them at least!

Do you make sure they know they are not “your priority”?

[LunaTrap]

How long has he not been paying any maintenance for? Tbh studying is a bit of a luxury for a father of 3 with a partner who is only working part time. Why can't he get a part time job?