Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

Being a stepmother can be a huge challenge...i have found that you have to remember that the stepchild sees things from a different perspective. I have been 'kicked in the teeth, a doormat' to my sc many times......now they are older...they admit that it was hard for us all.....but we love each other deeply, and my dds love their sisters very much.

Spose what i'm saying is....you will all find it tricky at times. Try not to analyse it too much. sometimes you just have to love the child...and 'go with the flow'

My dsd went through a very difficult patch around 7 and 8 - maybe it is something to do with the age. She also used to refuse to talk to dh on the telephone which was very hurtful for him and made me angry, but she started doing so about two years ago. I can understand you wanting to protect your ds and maybe changing the nature of the visits so that there is an external focus would be one way to do that until things improve. But I am sure they will improve with time...

I appreciate how difficult this is for you, but try to put yourself in her shoes a bit. She's a little girl whose family has broken up, she can't help but feel rejected/confused/sad/angry - these are huge feelings for a little girl to manage. Sulking and clamming up is pretty mild really, as children's reactions to the grief and rage of parents divorcing go. And she probably feels replaced and jealous because her daddy has a younger child than her and a partner he loves. Childish and illogical? Yes it is - she's 7. You can't expect her to weigh up factors like "she has the benefit of dh's extended family", that's adult thinking and I'm not even sure I even think it's a valid way of looking at the situation tbh.

I'm sorry you're finding her behaviour stressful, it must be very difficult, but surely you can see she's just an unhappy young child whose family has broken up.

i think you are being too harsh. all 7yo sulk, and this little girl is in the middle of a very tricky situation. she probably just wants to know her dad still loves her and might even be jealous that your ds has him all the time whereas she hardly sees him. the benefit of dhs extended family is not enough compensation for losing her dad so while you have every right to feel bad that they are not there for ds, you cant expect her to be grateful for it.

I am sure the role of a step-mother must be a tricky one, especially when you have a child of your own with this little girl's father.
I don't think you can assume you know why she is sulky sometimes, unless she has been asked about it.
Has your DH spoken to her and told her that he understands that the new family situation may feel a little odd or awkward, but that he still loves her?
She's seven, and she's only been seeing you all for a year, on and off.
I imagine she feels a little torn emotionally, at wanting to be part of her father's new family.
I doubt her worries are about her mother being a single parent, per se, as she and her mother are a family unit in their own right.
But she is no doubt aware that her father left her mother to be with you, and I would imagine this has been discussed amongst her mother's relatives.
Perhaps she sometimes a bit guilty if she feels she is enjoying herself with you all?
I'm not sure why you would expect your DH's ex wife and family to have contact with your DS though?
This child is 7, and you and your DH have a responsibility to ensure she feels secure and loved.
I thought your comment "I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her" rather sad.
She is your partner's child.
How would you feel if he left you, and the woman he married felt that way about your child?

My youngest step-brother behaves a lot like this. My parents have tried all sorts to cheer him up and make him behave more nicely, but nothing much seems to work. Is it possible that her mum is influencing her behaviour? My SB's mum has instilled in SB a massive lack of respect for my mum and her house. All you can really do is grit your teeth and carry on trying to ignore the bad behaviour - it's not really fair to say she can't come to your house as she is your husband's daughter. How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your husband told you he didn't want your son to stay? Good luck with this though, us horrible kids nearly ruined Mum & Step-dad's marriage many times, but they have stayed strong and now I've moved out (helps immeasurably, I think!!) and the boys are well on their way to independence, things are getting much easier for them and life is generally a bit happier. I hope everything works out ok for you.

She's 7 years old, of course she sometimes ignores your ds when he wants to talk to her.
My dd1(4.2) does this to tick off dd2 (2.8) on many an occasion, I will find dd2 weeping hysterically because dd1 is ignoring dd2's declarations of undying love (seriously, dd2 will be yelling I love yoooooou and her sister will be utterly ignoring her).

Rise above it, your the adult, she's a baby still, how would you feel if your ds had a stepmother who decided that she really couldn't bear your son any longer as he was behaving like a well child????

having just reread the title, i dont think you are evil btw

So you broke her family up and now expect her to be ecstatic in your company?

Have a little empathy for this child.

Brownsugarbabe,

...also there are other issues that make the situation more difficult, whether you aknowledge it or not, relationships can often be difficult.re ex partners.
Communication often breaks down and you are sometimes left feeling confused i went through a phase where i just wanted the ex and sc to go away),not proud of this, but i found it very hard to cope.

I dealt with this by....mentally taking a step back. Allowing DH to be a father to his girls, and just being approachable and loving to sc. Not alwasys been easy, but it gets better.

words of wisdom from those that suggest....treat your sc like you would like yyour own to be treated

Sorry - of course you're not evil. It's always difficult to be part of a step-family, and especially difficult when the step-child is staying in your home. You do have to try and rise above it, and that can be really difficult especially if the step-child is causing your own child grief. That will get better though - my brothers used to be awful and now all three of them are the best of friends.

BTW, I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect your husband's family to be a part of your lives together, ex or no ex. Especially considering you have a child of your own together now.

I think you are being far far^ too hard on the poor girl!! She is 7 fgs.

My niece is in the same boat & if I for one minute thought that her fathers wife was treating her like that I'd flip my lid!

The reason you are like a family unit is because you have her dad... just what she & her mum had before you wrecked it [you have said he left his ex to be with you] And dd is 7, your son 3.5, doesn't take a genius to work out that she was old enough to know what was going on when her father left.

Imagine, just for a second, that she is your own dd. If your own dd was ignoring your ds, not wanting to hold hands, sulking [believe me, it does happen] would you ask her to leave? "The way she treats ds is intolerable" Don't you ever remember fighting/huffing with your brothers or sisters?

Who do you think you are? Asking the child not to come to her fathers house? You say you can't bare to be around her or even speak to her.... well, you knew about her when her dad walked away to build his cosy little family unit with you & leave her mum to be a 'single parent'.

Sounds to me like you just don't like her. How sad for her.

I know I sound bitter, but I have no reason to be, this just makes me mad... she is 7, a child fgs. You are the adult, don't drive her dad into not having contact with her just because she doesn't idolise your ds the way you want her to.

Treating her like what FFF2? You do seem very judgmental about me, and seem to have twisted what I have said, which is a shame really. I did not ask SD not to come to the house, I was trying to find a way that would be more comfortable for all of us, ie, meeting for a trip or an event. We went to see a pantomime and this was fine. We also went to the zoo and her mum came too which was also fine. SD and her mum came to DS's party and SD had loads of fun. So don't judge me - how many women do you know would let their DH's ex come to their house and on trips with them? It was actually me who suggested trying contact again as DH had all but given up and did not want to have to deal with his ex. OK.

I also resent the term that I have broken up a home. SD has never lived with her dad, and only had a few contact visits with him until she was one and his ex threw a major wobbly and violently attacked DH in front of her child.

Thanks for the more helpful comments - I do try and treat SD like my own, but I can't exclude my DS and the sulks start when he is around and attention has to be shared.

Dsd gets on brilliantly with dd, they adore each other. But there are still times when dsd ignores dd and it infuriates me because dd just doesn't understand and it really upsets her. Dsd has major sulks too. However, the thing I always think is this is probably normal sibling/11 year old behaviour, so whether dsd was mine or not, lived with us or not, it would still be happening. I try not to get hung up on why it's happening as I don't want to read stuff into it that isn't there. That doesn't mean I don't consider that there might be other things going on, but I don't automatically blame dsd's situation.

If you think it's attention seeking behaviour, then what about giving her some one to one attention? Just you and her, or just her Dad and her? Your ds gets you and your dh to himself the whole time your dsd isn't there, so there's no reason why your dsd can't have the same. That's the way I look at it anyway.

It can be really hard for step-children I think. They must have all sorts of emotions to deal with and they don't have the resources like we do to rationalise them. I'm not saying it isn't hard for us step-mums too, it is - bloody hard at times. And no, you aren't evil - if you were you wouldn't be here posting for advice.

Thanks fuzzywuzzy - looking at it like that I can see your point. I guess the other difficulty is that I have never had two children before, so don't really know what they can be like with each other. DS has been brought up with lots of love and cuddles, and it really hurts me when he gives it out but doesn't get it back. I know that SD's mum is not an affectionate person - and she would be the first to admit that (before anyone starts slagging me off for dissing her as well), so this could also be why SD is not spontaneously affectionate.

I think it's a bit harsh to accuse brownsugarbabe of home-wrecking, have we forgotten it takes two to tango? Even if he left his ex for bsb that doesn't make her the evil other woman.

Brownsugarbabe you deserve all credit for trying to make a difficult situation work. As someone else posted, have you tried spending time with her one-on-one? You never know it might work.

And no, you can't expect adult behaviour from a 7 year old but you can expect half-decent manners, broken home or no broken home. I was never allowed to get away with being rude to my dad's girlfriends, and rightly so. I appreciate that it is a difficult situation for the little girl, I've been in her situation fgs! but that does not make bad behaviour acceptable.

I really hope this all works out for you - from your posts you seem like a nice person who's trying her hardest by her family.

Yes you're right - not allowing her to come round again is very cruel - but apart from the fact that I had come upstairs to type that in a ranty sort of way - don't you think that if she is clearly having such a problem with being here it could be better for her not to be here until she gets used to her new family situation?

I think you need to be careful too that you aren't projecting your feelings about her mum onto your dsd. I mean that kindly , so please don't take offence.

Have you read any books? I found the Relate Guide to Second Families really helpful.

You are obviously not an evil sm, but you are being unreasonable to expect her to be anything more than a very confused, emotionally damaged 7 year old.

The advice of treating her the way you would want your own child to be treated is splendid imo. You can't go far wrong if you think of her as as vulnerable and needful as your own child whom you love.

Why don't you go to the library and get a couple of books out about blended families? Or do a parenting course which deals with these issues? You obviously want to do your best to deal with this, otherwise you wouldn't be posting, but you probably need a lot more help than you're getting at the moment.

Oh and fwiw, my mum has always had times when she has felt that she didn't want to be around SB. I think she would wander off to another room with a book or something, and just keep out of the way until things had calmed down. I think it's fairly natural to not want to be around someone who makes you angry or upset.

I would put money on the fact that if you bombard your sd with love and affection that she will become secure enough to love your ds unconditionally. It is not easy being a sm but ime it usually takes a little bit of 'getting over yourself'. Dig deeper within yourself to try and empathise with this 7yr old. Show her the love that you have for her little brother is there for her too. Make your home her most favourite place to be because she feels happy, loved and secure and you will be able to smooth over the little hiccups of everyday life.

Has she got her own space in your house? Sometimes that can work wonders with making a child feel that they are welcome and wanted.

I really don't think stopping her from coming is the answer. She'll see that as a rejection.

Remember, she's coming from one household with one set of rules to another with maybe a completely different set of rules. The way she behaves is possibly acceptable at home, you might just need to cut her some slack and let her see how you all behave so that she can learn what's acceptable. You can gently guide her about what expect from her.