DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

When it came to raising my children, I have found myself having to allow to do things that really hurt me inside, that I felt was very unfair to me, that I didn't deserve, but did because ultimately, I knew that fighting my corner would end up with the kids caught in the middle and feeling insecure. That's the thing about being a child of divorce, you remember that feeling of being torn apart, loving both your parents and wanting both of them to be happy, believing that that gift is in your hands and feeling utterly hopeless.

In the end, if this woman has chosen to take her DD away just so that she wouldn't be there at the wedding, ie. for her own pure selfish reasons, deep inside, she will know that she's done wrong by her DD. The satisfaction of hurting her ex and OP will be short-lived. If OP's OH acts maturely, thinking about his DD rather than him, he will experience sadness of her not being there, but he will feel the satisfaction that he rose over his wishes to ensure his DD doesn't feel torn apart.

My kids are teenagers now and I haven't needed to tell them anything. They are able to reflect on things their dad and I did and they know that I was the one thinking of their needs before mine. Seeing them growing to be emotionally stable kids is priceless and make me feel much better than anything I would have done to satisfy my needs.

Projection is not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact
Just a point on this as it seems to be coming now every time someone posts something that isn't like. We are ALL projecting. Projecting is purely expressing your views based on your own experience. What else can we do than project? People share their experience and judgement based on this. No-one is forced to agree or take them into account, but different people with different experiences at different times allow to reflect on your own experience and the fact that those around us might indeed interpret the same situation in a very different light.

@swingofthings - greet post x

@Miladamermalada But what about parents keeping their relationships and their children separate for a few years at least? Most can't or won't and argue it's in the best interests of the kids, but it isn't a lot of the time. I would be refreshing for either RP or NRP to be parents to their children and partners to their lovers without combining the two, for a significant amount of time.

^ totally agree. I had an 18 month relationship when my DC was 3 & it didn't work out. Thank god I didn't intro them. I am the RP & it was hard to keep things separate but I'm so pleased I did.

18 months was nothing. In future I think I'd wait years. I'd only intro kids if I felt it was for life, and I realistically wouldn't trust myself to know that for years.

Just because t was a traumatic day for you Fafoutis doesn’t mean it will be a traumatic day for every other child attending a parents wedding to the 2nd spouse.

Can you imagine if a mum had started this thread saying her ex was saying her chicks couldn’t attend her 2nd wedding? There’d be an outcry. Accusations of abuse and control. How is this any different.

Each relationship is different. My experience of being a child watching a parent marry a 2nd spouse is very different from some of yours, doesn’t mean it’s the only one and all others would feel the same.

Some people on here a like a dog with a bloody bone.

It's not a traumatic day for all step children! My stepson (10 at the time) was very much involved. His mum had left my husband six years before after having an affair, and had married the other man a year later (she'd moved him into the house within a month of my husband moving out - she insisted my husband left). My husband told my stepson he was going to propose and he wanted to see the ring and be in on the secret. He was our best man, in charge of the ring on the day and he signed our marriage certificate. He played "here comes the bride" on his keyboard as I came down the aisle, and came in the open top car with us (sat between us) from the ceremony to the meal. He was very much part of the day.

His mum also booked a holiday over our wedding, despite my husband giving her a year's notice. My stepson cried because he couldn't come. Luckily my husbands ex's second marriage was on the rocks and the husband sided with us and made her move the holiday. They split up just after it anyway. It was a time when the ex was particularly spiteful to my husband for a couple of years, but generally everything has had to revolve around her and what she wants - much more than what would be best for the child, her son.

One of my points is that you can't always tell how the child feels. Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are.

Are you replying to my post? Saying that just because my stepson cried when his mum booked a holiday over our wedding and seemingly was happy getting involved in arrangements and seemed to have a good time on the day, and still sends us texts first thing on the morning of our anniversary even though he's now grown up and at uni I'm just seeing that because I expected him to be happy? To be honest, that's the sort of thing his mum came out with when she was trying to block him from coming. She actually upset her own son. Sometimes stepchildren do actually like their step parents and have had balanced, slow growing relationships with them before their parents remarry. Sometimes real parents have to come to terms with that. Life moves on and it's about trying to make the child feel loved, wanted and included as much as possible, from both sides.

Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are

Most? I don’t believe that. On here we have the suggestion that parents don’t know their own children, that they wouldn’t know if they were upset or not and now that they’re so lovesick they wouldn’t give a shit?

I don’t know what kind of parents you’ve all been around, but I’m glad I haven’t been round self centred cunts like that .

Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are
This, with bells on.

Not replying to your post Honey, just a general observation from reading many MN threads like this one.
It isn't hard to find the self centred cunts, read this board for example.

@Fafoutis we are not expecting her to do or feel anything We are not even newly coupled up, we've been together years.

My relationship with DSD has been very much led by her. We haven't expected her to just automatically love me just because her Dad does.

I think it's very relevant that the child in question has no memory of her parents ever being together.

They spilt when she was less than a year old.

This is purely the Ex deciding...because she can. Your fiance is letting it slide where others wouldn't.