DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

Why on earth would you feel sorry for someone who is so petty and vindictive they'd prevent their child from attending their parent's wedding?

mummyyessy

I totally disagree with you.

They've been divorced for 5 years. The Ex is being ridiculous and the child is not property.

Empathy for what? That he's moved on? Nonsense.

I'd be tempted to tell her...the wedding is on hold until DSD is able to attend. She what she says then.

Personally I think it's fucking selfish for parents to have kids and then create this sort of mess.

So you have to stay on a relationship that's not working? And then if you leave remain single or never marry again?

You sound deeply troubled. Something is amiss inyour comments.

What if you had a small civil ceremony at a registry office and didn’t tell dsd (or the ex) till the day?
You could still include dsd and have your bigger party in August as planned.

I agree that no child is property. But I also think that courtesy, respect and kindness are needed. And the new woman should have empathy for how difficult this must be for the ex.

It's not that long ago that marriage was very much for life. Frankly I think this sort of situation is awful, for children, exes, for everyone involved.

Anyone who has kids knows that anything to do with children holds hugely heightened emotions. The ex probably feels threatened by the new woman. I'm not saying the ex should do what she's doing, but the new woman should respond with kindness and empathy. Not pushiness and aggression.

Urgh. Utter lack of empathy. Utter lack of manners, dignity, kindness, care, respect.

Awful.

Put yourself in ex's shoes.

@SandyY2K So you have to stay on a relationship that's not working? And then if you leave remain single or never marry again?

Actually yes. Having a child with someone is - or should be - a massive commitment. Married, baby & divorced in 3 yrs?!
Wow. Commitment. Not.

You don't just hop from relationship to relationship once you have a child. Fine, exit a crap relationship, but FFS pause and try and learn from what are clearly mistakes rather than jump into the next marriage,

Those poor kids.

Selfish.

@SandyY2K - FYI your comments come across as deeply patronising. I have seen the fall out on the ex side of this and it is horrid.

Not deeply troubled, but deeply aware of the hurt and pain these situations cause.

And no. I'm not the ex.

Actually yes. Having a child with someone is - or should be - a massive commitmen
Married, baby & divorced in 3 yrs?!
Wow. Commitment. Not.

You're living in the dark ages.

I'm an advocate of marriage and being together when kids are involved...but if a couple have tried to make it work...there is no point in staying together and being miserable.

What does that teach the children? Is one meant to stay if they are cheated on? Been treated badly? Common. Get real here.

I agree having a child with someone is a big commitment ...people seem to get pregnant so quickly into relationships or even from ONS..... but that's no reason to stay together.

He could wait 10 years and she's still not over it .. tough!

It just makes her look bitter.

@mummyyessy
My ex’s OH also refused my DSS to come to our wedding even though they had split 10 years earlier ( I met him 2 years after they split.)

Should I also have thought about how difficult this was for her? She agreed that DSS could attend and then a week before te wedding changed her mind!

@mummyyessy So should they just cancel the wedding until the ex gives the go ahead?

@mummyyessy

FYI your comments come across as deeply patronising. I have seen the fall out on the ex side of this and it is horrid.

You do sound troubled. That's my opinion based on your comments. You don't have to agree with it ... but 5 years is long enough.

Life doesnt always go your way, but a fully functioning adult deals with those challenges and moves forwards.

This kind of bitterness and sabotage is unhelpful to all parties. Its not considering the children.

If anyone tried this with me...I'd tell the child their other parent was refusing to allow them to come. Then they can explain why.

Two people make a child. Mothers trying to take ownership like this annoys me .

I think 5 years is a long enough pause to be able for ex to put her feelings aside for the child to share the experience of the father's new marriage. We don't live in the dark ages where children don't get a say any more, so dsd should be the one to decide whether she attends or not... not the ex.

mummyyessy I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve here. You're talking to women who have been through years of nonsense from the ex like we should defer to the ex in all circumstances. We're not the new partner, we're the partner. Our feelings, regardless of what they are, they're valid. And this board is one of the few places to find others who understand, who know how we feel and what we're going through.

I have zero sympathy, empathy or anything for my DP's ex. she's had nothing but contempt, anger and genuine batshit crazy for us. And she definitely does not get any sort of a say in my life, whether that's the clothes her DC wear in my house, to how dp and I progress our relationship.

Op, there's obviously been no hopping from relationship to relationship. DP and I aren't married, but we discussed how we would deal with this should it happen. We agreed we'd go ahead, explain to his DC that unfortunately the timing didn't work out, and do something special with them after. Could you do something like a pp suggested, have a registry office ceremony with DSD, and have a party/wedding in the August?

@Mummyyessy - yo are projecting.

You feel sorry for this selfish bitter EW?

They are no longer a couple. They’ve moved on. What’s she going to do punish her own daughter and use her as a weapon to get back at the dad because she’s upset. It’s not about her (FFS.... she’s an adult, it’s been years). It’s about what’s best for the child.

No mother has the right to control and dictate like this. Shit happens, people split up. For god sake it’s been 5 years.

Go to court. It’s the only way to get through to these emotionally damaged women.

Mummyyessy heaven forbid your perfect world should fall apart some day. Shit happens. Relationships end. People move on. Or not. Possibly yours is the attitude to relationships that results in bitter exes whose actions stem from hating their partner more than loving their kids.
OP - my partner sees a psychologist who helps my partner to communicate with his daughter on all the batshit crazy Mum stuff she has to deal with. She advises him to think really carefully about the trail he leaves - positive or negative - as some day his daughter will see that trail and it will impact her. Things like his tone in emails to his ex. Proof of the actions he has taken. In your case - proof that he offered to pay the costs to try and persuade the Mum to move her holiday, as another poster suggested. Proof he went to court to try and get an order.
I hope you find a way to have his daughter attend his wedding. But if not, think about being able to demonstrate to her that her dad did everything you could. 💐

Empathy costs nothing

Weddings cost a fortune

Does your DSD want to come to your wedding OP? I think this is key to your DHs response in this. If DSD desperately wants to come, and would be upset by not going, I’d make an effort to ensure she’s there. If she isn’t bothered or doesn’t want to, I’d leave it.

I ask because DS1 really really didn’t want to go to his Dad's wedding last year (he’s autistic, they all drink a LOT at parties and he was scared) and XH shouted at him saying he had to. At that point I put my foot down and said no. However, I also said that if he changed his mind I’d get him there on the day (he didn’t) and pay for his kilt.

Nowhere is what your DSD wants mentioned in your posts, so that’s why I asked.

@SandyY2K Two people make a child. Mothers trying to take ownership like this annoys me .

Let's mention here for a moment all the fathers who do not take 'ownership' (stupid word to use IMHO) bit instead take no responsibility for their children.

Clearly this thread is full of step mothers & that is skewing the view.

You may think I live in the dark ages, I think you're utterly wrong. Five years is nothing! Having a child & them marrying someone new before they are at school is - quite frankly - fickle, shallow and irresponsible.

Relationships end, yes, but you don't need to rush off and marry the next poor mug. New relationships take huge time & effort and quite frankly that effort should be put into your DC, not a new partner.

If you're marrying someone new within 5 years of having a child with someone else, quite frankly you need to pause & reflect on what you (& ex) did wrong - even if bad judgement - and the impact on your DC (& how to lessen that).

@mummyyessy you are massively projecting here. DSD is 6 and is now in her second school year so nobody is remarrying before she's in school. DP was divorced 2 years, separated 2.5 years before getting with me and had plenty of time to reflect on what went wrong. I hardly think being with me for 3 years is rushing into it. We have considered the impact on DSD with everything we do. The ex on the other hand does not.

@SoddingUnicorns I think that's a difficult question to answer wrt whether she wants to come or not. Her Mum constantly guilt trips her into feeling she's being left on her own (think "oh DSD I miss you so so much when you're not here, you're leaving me all on my own and I can't bare to be apart from you" and "Oh but you'll have so much more fun with me than with Daddy and Curry") so now she feels she'd be missing out more by not going to Butlins.

It's a very sad situation. All I can suggest is doing something special with DSD on an alternate day so she feels involved in the wedding plans and knows she would have been a special part had she not been on holiday

Relationships end, yes, but you don't need to rush off and marry the next poor mug. New relationships take huge time & effort and quite frankly that effort should be put into your DC, not a new partner.

Who says it's the next poor mug?

5 years isn't rushing of either. I knew my DH for 2 years before we got married. That wasn't rushing in my opinion.

Just because you get married again, doesn't mean you arent putting effort in your children either.

Staying in miserable relationships is a poor example to your DC. The children grow up not knowing what a healthy loving relationship looks like.

That in turn can lead them to make poor relationship choices in the future.

Gone are the days when you stay come he'll or highwater and I reiterate that I'm an advocate of marriage and being together where there are children.

5 years may be nothing to you, but it's not set in stone.

An Ex has no say in the relationship or the pace it moves at. Considering she was 1 year old when they split up..the child doesn't know any different.

The sabotage in this case is plain old nasty...and her actions show she's treating the child like property...hence the word ownership.

She doesn't have to be happy...but this just makes her look bitter and jealous. They aren't nice qualities in anyone.

Oh and btw ... I speak objectively. I'm not a SM.

Argh I have real issues with parents who put that emotional blackmail shit on to their kids, it’s just not fair. When DS1 goes to his dad I make a point of saying I hope he has lots of fun and if he says he’ll miss me, I say I’ll miss him too but I want him to have lots of fun and he can tell me all about it when he comes home.

I think if it’s going to cause more stress for your DSD it might be easier to just let it go and try and do something special with her near to the wedding instead. I know it’s shite, but I worry about the emotional impact on her.

The pre wedding registry wedding just the 3 of you as surprise is one possibility if he doesn't want to go court this. But I would still in writing the offer to pay fee of changing holiday.

But if contact is changed like this it makes it very hard to ever make plans like holidays, day trips etc as in my experience this is only the beginning. The more she gets away with this the more she will pull these stunts.

I always believed it would get better. It only got worse. We didn't do court and now there's no point due to ages if children but this was a mistake as we had 10 years of hassle that could have been avoided.
And to be empathic this caused stress for everyone including the ex wife but mostly impacted the children worse if all.

The only problem is the court may with to change things to eow, half holidays and an overnight each week. So your other half may be concerned over less time overall but if contact can be prevented at any time it will always be used when ex is unhappy, annoyed or wants something

@Mummyyessy - you say ‘Clearly this thread is full of step mothers & that is skewing the view’.

This is a forum for SM’s that’s why ‘this forum is full of SM’s! Are you a SM yourself? Do you or have you had to deal with such behaviour from an entitled ex?

I can’t believe you have sympathy for this EW - it doesn’t matter how she’s feeling, it’s whats best for the child.