DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

@NorthernSpirit - yes, that's what I said. We agree on that point. Not sure what your point is. I know it's a bloody thread for SMs. I was pointing out that this is a SM echo chamber to suggest all the SMs here raise their heads outta their echo chamber!!

RE this bit;
I can’t believe you have sympathy for this EW - it doesn’t matter how she’s feeling, it’s whats best for the child.

Yep, I wholeheartedly agree. But you don't pick & bloody choose what you think is best for the child. What's best for the child is to put the child first, above your requirements for a new partner in the first place.

What do you expect the parent (mother here) of a child to make of this?! A woman, with whom she has clearly no relationship, is about to marry her child's father.

She's hardly going to be leaping for joy. And whilst yes she should put the child first, she is human & is probably feeling shit about the whole thing.

Mothers left as main carers for children when exes move on (& yes that is what usually happens) often really struggle: financially, emotionally etc. hence why I'm suggesting far greater empathy is needed here.

Mother should do right thing. But ex and new woman are handling this badly.

What do you expect the parent (mother here) of a child to make of this?! A woman, with whom she has clearly no relationship, is about to marry her child's father.

I'm sorry...but there's something wrong with your thinking.

What the Ex makes of it...is she is divorced and her Ex H has moved on.

This is life. Marriages end and people move on.

That's why divorce exists..so you aren't legally tied to a person you no longer love, or cheated on you...it abused you in any way..or behaves unreasonably till uour dying days.

It's like you're in a parallel world here. I really don't understand your thought process.

Mummyyessy

There's something wrong with you. Ridiculous posts. What about the father's right to be happy. Why is it ok to hurt him and her own daughter just so she can have a bit of control (cos' that is all it is). Where is her empathy? Oh, yes, she has the vagina, she gave birth so everyone has to tip-toe around her waiting for her to be a grown-up.

but ex and new woman are handling this badly

How the hell do you figure that out? By getting married five years later?! Bullshit.

You’re wrong and you know it but you haven’t got the guts to admit it. For the record I have no agenda here at all as my DH’s ex is bloody lovely and her parents came to our wedding with DSS so that we could stay up late and as we were leaving for honeymoon the next day!

Whattt??? So it’s selfish to remarry 5 years later just because you have a child?
That’s insane!
You’re totally warped... I say that both as an ExW who’s ExH remarried 4 years after we divorced (son was 9 months when we separated) and I’m also a SM now to my DP’s kids. NONE of our collective children are traumatised (or even really bothered) by the fact their parents have moved on and love other people.
Kids often take the lead from their parents... if the child is bothered, which there is no suggestion there is, then it is likely because of loyalty to their mother who is making her bitterness and patheticness obvious

Mothers left as full time caters?..... not sure about anyone else but that’s how I like it! You complain if the dad wants to much time, to little time. I love having my time with my children, and respect there dad should have time to but if he doesn’t want to then I’m cool with that.
Also ex woman can be nasty just like the men but think they speak for there children, they don’t! I’m a mother ex wife Sm and a child of separate parents. And this women is being a selfish twat. And the child will one day see that. In 10 years all the children being used as toys will grow up and realise what happened because most likely they with be going through it themselves.

What about the father's right to be happy.

That is utterly secondary (as with the mother) to the child's wellbeing.

In my opinion the casual view that 'people get divorced' like it's something not to give a second thought to is wrong.

I don't advocate staying in a bad relationship at all. But when you have kids, I think marriage 5 years later is actually rushing it.

Your view is 'everyone just move on'.

My view is 'that's not reality when kids and emotions are involved unless you are really lucky and everyone is happy and resources are abundant'.

Good for you those who have great rels Eoth ExPs etc, that's obviously ideal. But it's not the majority, and it's naive to think it would be.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

@Mummyyessy - I think you have some serious problems. I’m guessing you are a wife who’s husband has left and you are struggling to move on? Your posts come across as wow the poor mother. In this case what about the child and what about the dad. Do you not see how nasty the EW is being or is your judgement so clouded?

Just because mothers give birth does not make them any better or any more in control. Children have 2 parents, not one.

If you had to face the wrath of emotionally damaged EW (as I do) then you would understand. It’s a constant struggle as these women don’t act as normal rational human beings, because they have the golden uterus they believe they are better than dads and they make the decisions (always in the children’s best interests of course in their f@cked up little world).

The reality is, yes, the mother might be upset, but she is not being fair or acting in the child’s best interests.

@Mummyyessy why don't just take yourself off an goad some other thread - your opinions are warped and not wanted,

mummyyessy at what point, in your world, should either partner move on? Is it ok for the dad, for example, to move on if mum has? And what do you think that this would teach the DC about relationships? What resources need to be 'abundant'?

I would never have been able to demonstrate a healthy, loving, respectful relationship to my DC had I stayed with their df. I can do this with DP. DP wouldn't have been able to show his DC a healthy, loving, respectful relationship if he was still with his ex, but he can do this through his relationship with me.

I'll agree with you that the majority of exes don't have a good relationship with the ex, - I talk to my ex every week/every other week, or to his DP, and there's no animosity on either side. However, DP can't have that with his ex, not because she needs sympathy or empathy, but because she's an abusive narcissist, who has no interest in what's best for the DC, her entire concern is herself and winning.

I'll add that it's very easy for you to judge any of us on the sm board, but you have no idea what we do for our sdc, or what we put up with. Hint: it's more than most people would. We take care of them, we help them, we love them, we worry about them and their problems, and we're constantly told that we're wrong, irrelevant, and according to you we're selfish and enabling our DP's to be selfish.

The women on here are among the most selfless in the world, facing challenging behaviour from the ex on almost a daily basis, and you believe that we should what? Tell them we're sorry, we'll split up with our partners until the DC turn 18? 21?

I'm thinking your opinion is less about moving on or rushing, and more about money and 'resources'.

I would never have been able to demonstrate a healthy, loving, respectful relationship to my DC had I stayed with their df. I can do this with DP. DP wouldn't have been able to show his DC a healthy, loving, respectful relationship if he was still with his ex

Maybe you should have thought about this sooner.

Alarming how many of you are so rude and obnoxious about your husband's ex. And your husbands are, too. Bear in mind that could well be you one day.

How a partner treats their ex is very telling.

@Chimpfield my views differ to yours and are equally valid.

Like I said, get out of your echo chambers! Blinkered lot.

and that includes a commitment to maintaining good relations with your ex.

If seeing your ex partner getting married 5 years after you broke up is enough to ruin ‘good relations’ then really you should seek counselling as obviously this is not healthy nor fair on the ex - he’s not responsible for her emotional well-being anymore.

@mummyyessy - i’m not a complete cow at all. What I am is a loving and supportive partner to my OH who has a bitter and controlling EW who has used the children as weapons for years to get back at him. A father so desperate to see his own children that he fought through the courts. His EW is just like you. Can’t or won’t move on because while she’s the victim she thinks people will feel sorry for her.’

You are now being abusive as others disagree with your opinion (which of course you are entitled to) but no one else is ‘allowed’ to think any differently to you. Do you not think it’s odd that not one person agrees with you?

You sound like you need some serious help.

Of course OP is doing knowing wrong getting married after 5 years and wishing her SD was there. If the mother is so bitter that she would plot to manipulate the child with a fun week away to justify her not going, that is absolutely pathetic and incredibly selfish.

However, could it just be a misunderstanding? This happened with my ex once when I was certain we'd agreed he would have them 1 week over the summer and he thought we'd agreed he would have them the following. Nothing in writing so unable to prove. After that, everything was confirmed by email.

@mummyyessy don't resort to assuming I am a SM and blinkered.
Yes you are entitled to your opinions and you have expressed them - now drop it and let the OP get others opinions instead of projecting your bitterness at everyone who disagrees with you.

She's hardly going to be leaping for joy. And whilst yes she should put the child first, she is human & is probably feeling shit about the whole thing

It’s not about her. This is the point. If the DSD wants to go to the wedding, her mum needs to put her own feelings to the side and facilitate it. If the DSD doesn’t want to go then it’s up to the Mum to say that too, and stick up for her if necessary.

All this niggling about nobody ever being allowed to move on is projection on a massive scale. It sounds very much like condoning the emotional blackmail of a child, because of the mother’s feelings. Any parent who manipulates their child because of their own emotions is a waste of fucking space.

That is utterly secondary (as with the mother) to the child's wellbeing.

However, you are saying the mother's feelings should be considered in this situation, not just the child's. That is hypocritical. The child in this situation appears to be fine according to the OP. The mother has a problem with it but for some reason (according to you) that has to be considered. Rubbish.

I think you are utterly clueless on the pain and heartache an ex (like OP's husband) can cause, not only to the 'new couple' but also to the children. It is far more common than you obviously realise which is why we have support forums like these. I have even considered counselling because of the awful words, actions, insinuations from my husband's ex over the years - just because I exist. Consider her feelings? Fuck that.

like OP's husbands ex, rather

I'm not going to rise to mummyyessy

But to answer @swingofthing - it definitely wasn't a miscommunication as it was via text originally. Bit hard to misunderstand tbh whereas if it had been done verbally I could completely understand where you're coming from.

How a partner treats their ex is very telling Yes...indeed.... but I'm guessing you just mean the man in a situation... The mother in this post is treating her ex (OP's partner) very well...

Its a shame common sense simply isn't common for some people after all.

The inability to move on after so long is demonstrating you aren't a fully functioning adult.

Moving on and remarrying doesn't indicate less of a commitment or dedication to your child ... whether you're the father or mother.

I always wonder why it seems to be women who are so bitter like this and I conclude that it's because they can't find another man to put up with their behaviour.

Men just get on with their lives when their Ex moves on. I know crazy Ex husbands exist...but the inability for Ex wives to move on is more rampant.

If they could...they'd accept the situation and not reduce themselves to sabatoge like this.

Personally I wouldn't given an Ex the satisfaction of letting them know it bothered me.