DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

@miladamermalada I don't think it's right to guilt trip the girl. we're not the ones blooming guilt tripping her! Her Mum is!

DP has every intention of letting her (ha yeah like he really has a choice) go to Butlins and we'll do something fun when she gets back. We are trying to not fuck her up or make her feel any more guilty than she already does through her Mum!

Feel for you CurryandWine take heart. I think swing has a good set of ideas as a plan... as disappointing as it is for her not to be with you on the day.
I disagree that it isn't important for her to be there as if it was her mum getting married to a new partner there would be outrage if the ex h said the child couldn't go.
Ridiculous to say it's not important for her to be there.

OP I was referring to her mother guilt tripping her not you

And that's why people ... ex's get married in secret so either ex can't fuxk it up for the children... and for the adults.

I don’t give a shit what happened, putting your own selfish feelings over those of your own child is really fucking unfair, and profoundly selfish.
This also stands to the parent remarrying expecting to shoehorn their kid into their new life. Not referring to OP here, just generally.
Also, I think it is incredibly common that children don't get a choice in their parent's new partner. Look at all the stepfamily threads where a parent moves their partner in and has a new kid after 6 months. In those cases the kids never get a choice, the parent being in love takes the position of 'we all love him/her'....no YOU do, your kid isn't even old enough to articulate whether they do or don't, they go from the adults because that's the only choice they have.
I think the mum is being unfair to the daughter but I'd be utterly pissed if my ExH expected my kids to play happy families with a new partner, he fucked them up enough while he was here and when he left.
No amount of pretty princess bridesmaids dresses will change that.

What if you have children but haven’t been married before? I have 2 DC but have not been married and I plan on marrying my DP in the not too distant future as he is the love of my life and I couldn’t imagine a future nicer than being his wife.
Does that make my marriage a farce? Because I met the wrong man first and had children before I met the love of my life?
No it absolutely does not. I owe my ex nothing other than to raise our children with love and happiness... which I am doing very successfully.

Also she said that they've "been through so much together" (DP and his ex) and "it's not fair" for him to just move on like this

I don't get this desire to hang on to the past. Their marriage obviously wasn't working out.
It's so unhealthy to not move on

I think Exes like this live in hope if a reconciliation and when a wedding is announced ...they realise all hope is gone and they become obstructive.

It's the only way of exerting some power...because they can't prevent the relationship...but they can throw a spanner in the works for a wedding.

Beware of future attempts to sabotage...and keep mum.

I think Exes like this live in hope if a reconciliation and when a wedding is announced ...they realise all hope is gone and they become obstructive

I think you’re absolutely right about this

^
I agree with this also.
My mum didn't obstruct. However it totally killed her inside, she was dead from thereon in.
I think if it has been an amicable split it is much different to when there has been an OW/M.

Not all relationships split because there’s an OW/OM. People leave because they’re unhappy too, I know I did. I was so miserable being with a man I no longer loved (or liked much at that point) and I decided to end it. It wasn’t amicable or mutual even because even though my Ex was as unhappy as I was he would have continued to plod along and bury his head in the sand. I needed more than this from life and I’m so glad I made the decision to call it a day because I have genuinely never been happier than I am with my DP.

Hi

Hi Never

@Miladamermalada have you read my comments?

I know my Ex SIL was shocked when my brother announced he was getting married. She wasn't obstructive....but she was hopeful of a reconciliation.

I took my niece the night before the wedding as she was a flower girl with my DD ... and I could see this isn't something my Ex SIL ever imagined. It was bittersweet...but that's life.

It's hard enough having such a major change for any kid, they shouldn't be going to massive social events anyway, it's like expecting them to play a part in an adult game which they don't understand.

Marriage isn't a game and I'm sure where it says they shouldn't attend.

When my DB got married to his second wife, they included the kids and had a special vow relating to them.

They were included in the bridal party and very much enjoyed the day along with their cousins.

It would be wrong to have other children there... but not his own kids.

If their mum ever gets married again...then no doubt they'll go to that wedding too.

That's life.

@sodding yes I have.

@Miladamermalada so you read and chose to ignore the part where I made a point of saying that our children were absolutely consulted and put first when DP and I met, and that we’d have split if any of the children had been unhappy or struggled?

It’s selfish as shit to put your own feelings before those of your child, whether you’re the RP or the NRP.

Waaaaay too much projection on this thread.

What's RP / NRP??

I think flinging accusations of projection are cheap shots.

We all have difference experiences & views to bring & should not dismiss anyone's as less valid.

RP - resident parent
NRP - non resident parent

Projection is not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact. There is more than one poster on here adamant that a NRP should never remarry, and that the RP should have more involvement in the situation than is right or necessary. They’re also defending the actions of a mother prepared to risk emotionally harming her child because of her own feelings. If that’s not the definition of projection I don’t know what is.

So I’m not “flinging accusations” I’m stating facts. Unlike you with your fierce determination to stick to your standpoint, despite it being completely unreasonable.

I never said the NRP should not remarry just that if they choose to do the kids shouldn't be forced to attend, nor should they be used to show the rest of the guests how 'lovely' things are.
Games shouldn't be played by either party is what I said.
It is good when kids are consulted and their feelings taken into account but it takes an astute parent to assess whether they are the kids feelings or the kids need to protect the parents and or do as they want.

No they shouldn’t be forced (as I didn’t force DS1 to go to his Dad's wedding and if DP and I were ever to marry I wouldn’t force them), equally they shouldn’t be bullied or manipulated into not going.

DSD1 was distraught when DD was born. Turns out her Mum told her that Daddy had a new baby girl and wouldn’t want her any more. It took days of gentle coaxing to get it out of her. Eventually, she realised that it wasn’t true and she’s happy now. But I will never forgive her mother, she and DP split amicably, mutual decision after she cheated. 4 years apart before we met, and she still opted to mess with her own kid’s head to get to DP. Awful.

@SoddingUnicorns that is horrific. Poor girl.

Incidentally I am not sticking to anything unreasonable. My POV is valid & reasonable, just not to you!

They’re also defending the actions of a mother prepared to risk emotionally harming her child because of her own feelings

The problem with this is understanding what the children really want because whether you like it or not, some children will have a brave face they use with one parent, but who cry on the other and express all sorts of distress. The assumption on this forum is that any child less than over the moon about their parent’s new partner must feel that way because of their other parent’s projection and bitterness.

I don’t think it’s that simple. I think children are capable of forming their own opinions. I think loved up couples are largely incapable of seeing anything other than hearts and flowers. I think some RPs are put in difficult situations, trying to support the expresssed wishes of their child all whilst being accused of god knows what.

I think my children should attend their father’s wedding. But his increasingly vile behaviour - as well as very much angry and unpleasant behaviour on the part of his partner - is going to result in problems not of my making. But I guarantee the last person my ex will look to blame will be himself.

The problem with this is understanding what the children really want because whether you like it or not, some children will have a brave face they use with one parent, but who cry on the other and express all sorts of distress. The assumption on this forum is that any child less than over the moon about their parent’s new partner must feel that way because of their other parent’s projection and bitterness.
Very true
I think loved up couples are largely incapable of seeing anything other than hearts and flowers.
I think this is spot on. They see what they want to see. Some also use the excuse of having a 'proper family' to do what they want to do, which is get married and couple up with someone new. Some do manage to consider the kids objectively but most don't, from what I've seen.
I feel sorry for kids having to live in this kind of social context, that's not an attack on anyone and I'm sure people will say but it's better that the adults are happy. But what about parents keeping their relationships and their children separate for a few years at least? Most can't or won't and argue it's in the best interests of the kids, but it isn't a lot of the time.
I would be refreshing for either RP or NRP to be parents to their children and partners to their lovers without combining the two, for a significant amount of time.

My mother married my stepfather when I was 6. I had to go to the wedding. It was a confusing and traumatic day full of strangers. I remember it very vividly and felt ill recently when she produced the dress I wore on that day. It was a good memory for her, she had no idea how awful it was for me.
Butlins is a much better option for the child.