DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

[SandyY2K]

I think it's very relevant that the child in question has no memory of her parents ever being together.

They spilt when she was less than a year old.

This is purely the Ex deciding...because she can. Your fiance is letting it slide where others wouldn't.

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

@Fafoutis we are not expecting her to do or feel anything We are not even newly coupled up, we've been together years.

My relationship with DSD has been very much led by her. We haven't expected her to just automatically love me just because her Dad does.

[FaFoutis]

Not replying to your post Honey, just a general observation from reading many MN threads like this one.
It isn't hard to find the self centred cunts, read this board for example.

[Miladamermalada]

Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are
This, with bells on.

[SoddingUnicorns]

Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are

Most? I don’t believe that. On here we have the suggestion that parents don’t know their own children, that they wouldn’t know if they were upset or not and now that they’re so lovesick they wouldn’t give a shit?

I don’t know what kind of parents you’ve all been around, but I’m glad I haven’t been round self centred cunts like that .

[Honeyroar]

Are you replying to my post? Saying that just because my stepson cried when his mum booked a holiday over our wedding and seemingly was happy getting involved in arrangements and seemed to have a good time on the day, and still sends us texts first thing on the morning of our anniversary even though he's now grown up and at uni I'm just seeing that because I expected him to be happy? To be honest, that's the sort of thing his mum came out with when she was trying to block him from coming. She actually upset her own son. Sometimes stepchildren do actually like their step parents and have had balanced, slow growing relationships with them before their parents remarry. Sometimes real parents have to come to terms with that. Life moves on and it's about trying to make the child feel loved, wanted and included as much as possible, from both sides.

[FaFoutis]

One of my points is that you can't always tell how the child feels. Most newly coupled up parents expect the child to be happy because they are.

[Honeyroar]

It's not a traumatic day for all step children! My stepson (10 at the time) was very much involved. His mum had left my husband six years before after having an affair, and had married the other man a year later (she'd moved him into the house within a month of my husband moving out - she insisted my husband left). My husband told my stepson he was going to propose and he wanted to see the ring and be in on the secret. He was our best man, in charge of the ring on the day and he signed our marriage certificate. He played "here comes the bride" on his keyboard as I came down the aisle, and came in the open top car with us (sat between us) from the ceremony to the meal. He was very much part of the day.

His mum also booked a holiday over our wedding, despite my husband giving her a year's notice. My stepson cried because he couldn't come. Luckily my husbands ex's second marriage was on the rocks and the husband sided with us and made her move the holiday. They split up just after it anyway. It was a time when the ex was particularly spiteful to my husband for a couple of years, but generally everything has had to revolve around her and what she wants - much more than what would be best for the child, her son.

[DevilsDoorbell]

Just because t was a traumatic day for you Fafoutis doesn’t mean it will be a traumatic day for every other child attending a parents wedding to the 2nd spouse.

Can you imagine if a mum had started this thread saying her ex was saying her chicks couldn’t attend her 2nd wedding? There’d be an outcry. Accusations of abuse and control. How is this any different.

Each relationship is different. My experience of being a child watching a parent marry a 2nd spouse is very different from some of yours, doesn’t mean it’s the only one and all others would feel the same.

Some people on here a like a dog with a bloody bone.

[mummyyessy]

@swingofthings - greet post x

@Miladamermalada But what about parents keeping their relationships and their children separate for a few years at least? Most can't or won't and argue it's in the best interests of the kids, but it isn't a lot of the time. I would be refreshing for either RP or NRP to be parents to their children and partners to their lovers without combining the two, for a significant amount of time.

^ totally agree. I had an 18 month relationship when my DC was 3 & it didn't work out. Thank god I didn't intro them. I am the RP & it was hard to keep things separate but I'm so pleased I did.

18 months was nothing. In future I think I'd wait years. I'd only intro kids if I felt it was for life, and I realistically wouldn't trust myself to know that for years.

[swingofthings]

When it came to raising my children, I have found myself having to allow to do things that really hurt me inside, that I felt was very unfair to me, that I didn't deserve, but did because ultimately, I knew that fighting my corner would end up with the kids caught in the middle and feeling insecure. That's the thing about being a child of divorce, you remember that feeling of being torn apart, loving both your parents and wanting both of them to be happy, believing that that gift is in your hands and feeling utterly hopeless.

In the end, if this woman has chosen to take her DD away just so that she wouldn't be there at the wedding, ie. for her own pure selfish reasons, deep inside, she will know that she's done wrong by her DD. The satisfaction of hurting her ex and OP will be short-lived. If OP's OH acts maturely, thinking about his DD rather than him, he will experience sadness of her not being there, but he will feel the satisfaction that he rose over his wishes to ensure his DD doesn't feel torn apart.

My kids are teenagers now and I haven't needed to tell them anything. They are able to reflect on things their dad and I did and they know that I was the one thinking of their needs before mine. Seeing them growing to be emotionally stable kids is priceless and make me feel much better than anything I would have done to satisfy my needs.

Projection is not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact
Just a point on this as it seems to be coming now every time someone posts something that isn't like. We are ALL projecting. Projecting is purely expressing your views based on your own experience. What else can we do than project? People share their experience and judgement based on this. No-one is forced to agree or take them into account, but different people with different experiences at different times allow to reflect on your own experience and the fact that those around us might indeed interpret the same situation in a very different light.

[FaFoutis]

My mother married my stepfather when I was 6. I had to go to the wedding. It was a confusing and traumatic day full of strangers. I remember it very vividly and felt ill recently when she produced the dress I wore on that day. It was a good memory for her, she had no idea how awful it was for me.
Butlins is a much better option for the child.

[Miladamermalada]

The problem with this is understanding what the children really want because whether you like it or not, some children will have a brave face they use with one parent, but who cry on the other and express all sorts of distress. The assumption on this forum is that any child less than over the moon about their parent’s new partner must feel that way because of their other parent’s projection and bitterness.
Very true
I think loved up couples are largely incapable of seeing anything other than hearts and flowers.
I think this is spot on. They see what they want to see. Some also use the excuse of having a 'proper family' to do what they want to do, which is get married and couple up with someone new. Some do manage to consider the kids objectively but most don't, from what I've seen.
I feel sorry for kids having to live in this kind of social context, that's not an attack on anyone and I'm sure people will say but it's better that the adults are happy. But what about parents keeping their relationships and their children separate for a few years at least? Most can't or won't and argue it's in the best interests of the kids, but it isn't a lot of the time.
I would be refreshing for either RP or NRP to be parents to their children and partners to their lovers without combining the two, for a significant amount of time.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

They’re also defending the actions of a mother prepared to risk emotionally harming her child because of her own feelings

The problem with this is understanding what the children really want because whether you like it or not, some children will have a brave face they use with one parent, but who cry on the other and express all sorts of distress. The assumption on this forum is that any child less than over the moon about their parent’s new partner must feel that way because of their other parent’s projection and bitterness.

I don’t think it’s that simple. I think children are capable of forming their own opinions. I think loved up couples are largely incapable of seeing anything other than hearts and flowers. I think some RPs are put in difficult situations, trying to support the expresssed wishes of their child all whilst being accused of god knows what.

I think my children should attend their father’s wedding. But his increasingly vile behaviour - as well as very much angry and unpleasant behaviour on the part of his partner - is going to result in problems not of my making. But I guarantee the last person my ex will look to blame will be himself.

[mummyyessy]

@SoddingUnicorns that is horrific. Poor girl.

Incidentally I am not sticking to anything unreasonable. My POV is valid & reasonable, just not to you!

[SoddingUnicorns]

No they shouldn’t be forced (as I didn’t force DS1 to go to his Dad's wedding and if DP and I were ever to marry I wouldn’t force them), equally they shouldn’t be bullied or manipulated into not going.

DSD1 was distraught when DD was born. Turns out her Mum told her that Daddy had a new baby girl and wouldn’t want her any more. It took days of gentle coaxing to get it out of her. Eventually, she realised that it wasn’t true and she’s happy now. But I will never forgive her mother, she and DP split amicably, mutual decision after she cheated. 4 years apart before we met, and she still opted to mess with her own kid’s head to get to DP. Awful.

[Miladamermalada]

I never said the NRP should not remarry just that if they choose to do the kids shouldn't be forced to attend, nor should they be used to show the rest of the guests how 'lovely' things are.
Games shouldn't be played by either party is what I said.
It is good when kids are consulted and their feelings taken into account but it takes an astute parent to assess whether they are the kids feelings or the kids need to protect the parents and or do as they want.

[SoddingUnicorns]

RP - resident parent
NRP - non resident parent

Projection is not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact. There is more than one poster on here adamant that a NRP should never remarry, and that the RP should have more involvement in the situation than is right or necessary. They’re also defending the actions of a mother prepared to risk emotionally harming her child because of her own feelings. If that’s not the definition of projection I don’t know what is.

So I’m not “flinging accusations” I’m stating facts. Unlike you with your fierce determination to stick to your standpoint, despite it being completely unreasonable.

[mummyyessy]

I think flinging accusations of projection are cheap shots.

We all have difference experiences & views to bring & should not dismiss anyone's as less valid.

[mummyyessy]

What's RP / NRP??

[SoddingUnicorns]

@Miladamermalada so you read and chose to ignore the part where I made a point of saying that our children were absolutely consulted and put first when DP and I met, and that we’d have split if any of the children had been unhappy or struggled?

It’s selfish as shit to put your own feelings before those of your child, whether you’re the RP or the NRP.

Waaaaay too much projection on this thread.

[Miladamermalada]

@sodding yes I have.

[SandyY2K]

I know my Ex SIL was shocked when my brother announced he was getting married. She wasn't obstructive....but she was hopeful of a reconciliation.

I took my niece the night before the wedding as she was a flower girl with my DD ... and I could see this isn't something my Ex SIL ever imagined. It was bittersweet...but that's life.


It's hard enough having such a major change for any kid, they shouldn't be going to massive social events anyway, it's like expecting them to play a part in an adult game which they don't understand.

Marriage isn't a game and I'm sure where it says they shouldn't attend.

When my DB got married to his second wife, they included the kids and had a special vow relating to them.

They were included in the bridal party and very much enjoyed the day along with their cousins.

It would be wrong to have other children there... but not his own kids.

If their mum ever gets married again...then no doubt they'll go to that wedding too.

That's life.

[SoddingUnicorns]

@Miladamermalada have you read my comments?

[Miladamermalada]

Hi Never