DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

[Miladamermalada]

I must admit I do eyeroll when posts like these come out.
Weddings are about two people making a decision about wanting to be together. They aren't about parading about with kids and trying to be all lovely. I don't see why his daughter should go to be honest. Yes you're getting married but that day is for you not her. Pissing about being bridesmaids etc. It's hard enough having such a major change for any kid, they shouldn't be going to massive social events anyway, it's like expecting them to play a part in an adult game which they don't understand.
she should only be seeing her Mum marry her dad
I agree with this tbh. Anything else is something which is about the adults, and not the child. It isn't a party. It is enough to have to get used to having two homes, and I think the involvement of children is largely for the adult's benefit, and usually to prove what a great parent they are to all the guests and how lovely everyone gets on. It's just show.

[ElChan03]

I know it's off pist of the thread but I do agree with Mummyyessy last post.
I feel that when the nrp goes off and starts again without providing for or seeing their existing children the rp partner often picks up the financial and emotional responsibility for the children.
I've had to deal with the fall out this weekend of my poor dsd heartbreak of her mum being pregnant but she found out it's a girl today.
All her mum cares about is the new baby. Not seeing her two children or paying for them.
I think my dsd is looking forward to our wedding, it's more positive than watching her mum move on without her.

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

@Miladamermalada we wouldn't expecting her to do anything. We have no bridesmaids and it's most certainly not about parading her about. We personally feel as the most important person in both our lives, she should be present with us and involved on such an important day.

[SingleDingle]

This thread is mental. I’d be fucking livid if my ex hadn’t included my DC in his wedding.

[Miladamermalada]

That's good to hear curry. I wasn't referring to you specifically there, just a general opinion. I think what stands out for me is that the day is important to you two. Is it important to her? Why? What does it mean for her?
I was older than your SD but totally refused to go to my dad's second wedding. My mum encouraged me but I just felt it was a ridiculous thing to ask-he'd left and was doing his own thing anyway, so why did I need to be there? (Totally projecting here!)
I also felt a strong allegiance to my mum, and think she was genuinely buzzing I hadn't gone (was 11, said I had a test at school).
I just hate the thought of children being used as pawns in adult games. You're a couple, to her you're already her 2nd family after her mum.

[mummyyessy]

@ElChan03 that's v sad.

Why has the mum just moved on without her? It's v unusual situation. V common with dad's, but less so with mums. Poor girl.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Can’t believe the views on here. We are wedding planning and the day is important to all our children (I have two dc and two dsc). In fact if it wasn’t for them I would probably do something very low key as I hate being the centre of attention. But they are excited and looking forward to seeing all their family and taking part in all sorts of wedding traditions. They see it as the day we “become a proper family”. And that’s with no disrespect to their other parents who they also love. It will be a day about celebrating the fun we have together and how much we all care about each other.
Couldn’t care less about people who judge, just feel sorry for them that they don’t know how lovely it can be to have a blended family

[swingofthings]

Curry, has your OH spoken to her since? You still haven't said what her argument was for booking the week away that week when she had agreed that it was the week she was to be with her dad.

[SandyY2K]

she should only be seeing her Mum marry her dad

I don't agree with this.... because my personal view is marriage before you have a child. So they wouldn't see parents getting married.

We personally feel as the most important person in both our lives, she should be present with us and involved on such an important day.

Absolutely agree with you.

My DB got married again and I simply can't imagine his DC not being there while all the other children of the family were.

His DC would have been so upset if all their cousins went and they didn't.

@mummyyessy
I think society is way too blasé about people abandoning their responsibilities to children.

Leaving a relationship is not abandoning your children. Those who abandon their children are not good parents. I would actually say my niece and nephews now spend more quality time with my DB.

The idea that you can give your ex a few hundred quid a month and pretty much wash your hands of the real, gritty responsibilities of the day in day out care of a child and 'have another go' at it is just wrong.

Again, a good parent doesn't just throw money at the the Ex. That may be your experience or that of people you know...but it's not always the case.

My DB is very involved...as much as if not more that his Ex with the DC. Not only has he continued to pay the entire mortgage since the split.... He did their school applications, he goes to parents evenings... he organised their hoy communions and confirmations..... I would honestly say he does more than he probably would have done had they stayed together.

Leaving a relationship with children isn't an easy decision for anyone. It took him 5+ years of being unhappy.

Abuse is not the only reason for leaving a relationship.

You get one life ... at some point you have to make a decision about your happiness. Your happiness affects your ability to be a good parent. Leaving can be the best decision for the children.

Once you leave ... with time moving on is another step in your life. If your next relationship develops to the point of wanting to commit to marriage and you've found your someone you love and want to spend your life with....that can't be a bad thing.

If your Ex struggles with it... they need to deal with it in their own way ... without involving the children. Denying them from attending is wrong. Simple!

[Miladamermalada]

@Never
They see it as the day we “become a proper family”.
Only because that's the message they've received from the parents or other adults.
Marriage doesn't automatically mean becoming a family, it means two people are committing to each other.
I don't think people on second marriages are 'proper families'. I think fair play the parents are happy and hopefully the kids are considered a lot, but marriages like this are a farce. Though that's my black and white view and perhaps clouded by my own experiences.

[ElChan03]

I think farce is an offensive term for it. I think second marriages can work if everyone is committed to making it as harmonious for children as possible.
Otherwise there would be lots of mothers who would have to stay single until all children were 18... or does this farce only apply to prospective step mothers?

[NeverTwerkNaked]

@Miladamermalada no that’s not the case! That was their words not mine. They are the ones excited by all the details and thrilled by the news. They are not the kind of children to be told what to feel or to pretend they feel different from how they really do. I think calling this a farce is horrendous. My first husband became very abusive once my children were born, that marriage was a “farce”. Judge away but we are all happy and that’s all that matters.

[SoddingUnicorns]

My first marriage was a farce. A violent, frightening, debilitating farce.

DP and I aren’t married (by choice) but this is the only way we could give our children a happy, stable, loving home. I’m quite upset at it being labelled a farce if I’m honest.

A ring is just that, it doesn’t make anything more or less respectable or “right”. And judging people because their first marriages didn’t work, for whatever reason, is a bit shitty.

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

Yes I'm pretty upset about it being called a farce too!

DP's first marriage was a farce. But him and I loving each other and wanting to commit to each other for the rest of our lives is not a farce and I'm hurt and saddened that somebody can make an assumption like that without knowing the people involved.

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

@swingofthings her argument was that she was going to be doing a craft fair so it benefited her DP having DSD. Now she's not she no longer needs DP to have DSD (he's not a babysitter fgs he's her Dad) and she doesn't care what his plans were, her plans are more important. Also she said that they've "been through so much together" (DP and his ex) and "it's not fair" for him to just move on like this so she feels Butlins would be better for DSD.

DSD has issues surrounding leaving her Mum and is often told "I miss you, please don't leave me" type comments from her Mum. She feels conflicted as she doesn't want to "upset Mummy by not going to Butlins as then Mummy will be all alone and that would be sad".

[Miladamermalada]

Sorry calling it a farce is upsetting. It just seems like a big hullabuloo.
I do think the one moving on and remarrying is a kick in the stomach for the other partner who is left with the majority of the child's care.
I don't think it's right to guilt trip the girl.
I also don't think women need to be single until their kids are 18 but not sure how I feel about marriage. I'm divorced, and been through enough relationship shit. To drag my kids to a party about another relationship when they've had no choice in it seems wrong.
Like I said though my views are clouded by my experiences which have been awful, so weren't intended to upset people but put forward my opinion.

[SoddingUnicorns]

As a separated parent it is crucially important to separate your feelings as a former couple, from your roles as parents to a shared child/children.

I don’t give a shit what happened, putting your own selfish feelings over those of your own child is really fucking unfair, and profoundly selfish.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

You are rather assuming that the children have “no choice” in the new relationship @Miladamermalada . That might be your experience but I can assure you the needs of our children come first and they would take priority over a relationship if necessary. The reality, in my case, is that the children have all been asking us to get married! They have all found the addition of a step parent a positive experience. DS even wants us to have more children but I have let him down gently that I won’t be (we have enough between us).

[eggcellent]

That poor child. Her mum sounds very manipulative and I'm sure it's causing her no end of confusion she definitely cannot just book a holiday in the middle of your DP's contact time, please get the help of a lawyer with this because your DSD should be at her dad's wedding.

[NorthernSpirit]

Couldn’t agree more @soddingUnicorns

[SoddingUnicorns]

Thank you @NorthernSpirit I was expecting a flaming!

I just can’t see how anyone can justify messing with their own child’s head and emotions because of their own feelings. Isn’t that the polar opposite of what being a parent is supposed to be?

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I totally agree Sodding

[moodance]

God this thread is bonkers ... nearly as bonkers as the ex stopping the child attending the wedding. No wonder so many children are messed up after their parents part waves.

[SoddingUnicorns]

@NeverTwerkNaked (love the username ) thanks, I just don’t get it!

When I met DP and he eventually met DS1 I made it clear if DS1 couldn’t stand him or he couldn’t cope with it, that was us done. He said the same about his DDs. If the bairns hadn’t been happy, we’d have parted ways.

Thankfully they were all happy, but both of us were prepared to walk away if it was best for them.

That’s the key I think. It’s totally unrealistic to expect people never to move on. It’s utterly ridiculous to expect one partner never to move on because the other can’t hack it. How much control should an ex have over the rest of your life? Because I sure as shite am not giving XH an ounce of control over mine. I answer to my children, nobody else.

[swingofthings]

What your OH needs to do is let her go to Butlins, knowing that by doing HE is putting the needs of his daughter before his. The reality is that at her age, the wedding won't mean that much to her it terms of sealing his commitment to you. At that age, a wedding is just a fun party when you get to wear a nice dress. He will of course miss her being there a lot, but she won't be traumatised by not being there.

Then what you can do together is organised a mini party when she comes to you. Maybe if you haven't planned it yet, you could arrange someone to video the wedding and you can then make it a 'movie' night. Get her to dress as a princess (or whatever she likes), get some treats, seat and what the film, show her the pictures, put chairs together in the garden, some music and pretend that it's her getting married, walking down the line. Keep some confetti for her to throw etc....

Then your OH can write her a letter explaining that he would have loved for her to be there but knew that fighting to keep her that day would only have confused and upset her and what he wanted must was her to be happy, regardless of her mother's feelings. Seal the envelop, and he can give it to her when she's an adult, if she ever ask about the day and why she wasn't there.