DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

@KappaKappa all of the things I've said go both ways. No point you trying to twist it into a 'I hate men' angle.

@mummyyessy you still haven’t explained to me what level of involvement our exes should have in our wedding day for us to be doing the “right thing”? Come with us to select the venue? Tell us which date we are “allowed” to get married on? Pick out the colour scheme? Consultation on cake designs?

Beyond booking the wedding on a date we have the children anyway and then letting the ex know as a courtesy (both of which I said I was doing) I am not sure what else you would expect?

Mummyyesy can you not see that every relationship is different?

Yes there are some very wronged 1st wives out there who’s exes seem hell bent on making them sound crazy. Where the men are incredibly nasty, hurtful and vindictive. Who don’t have a clue about putting the children’s needs before their own.

Can you not see that equally there are some very nasty and vindictive 1st wives?

You, like me, may be that typical mother who put their children’s needs before their own. Who would do anything to ensure their child’s happiness even if doing so breaks you heart. However not all mothers are like that. Just because it’s not something you would do, don’t think that other women wouldn’t do it.

If you really want people to show empathy towards the ex, pick the right thread for it. This one, where a 1st wife is so clearly not putting her child’s wellbeing ahead of her own is clearly not it. No one says the ex has to be happy and jumping up and down with glee. But equally she shouldn’t have booked a week away when it is the child arranged week with her father. She is thinking only about herself and her needs.

I know we only have ops side of the story here, maybe if we heard the other side of the story we would feeel differently but we don’t. We reply on the info we have in front of us. And what we have heard does not paint the ex in a good way.

There are plenty of threads on Mumsnet from the prospective of the wronged wife, you know what, we might feel differently about some of them too if we heard the other side of the story but we don’t. Again, we go on the info we have, and try and support the mnetter as best as we can.

You sound like you have personal experience of a situation like this (whether you or a close friend). As I said at the beginning every relationship is different you can’t judge this situation on your experience. Frankly you are making yourself look ridiculous. You will do doubt have some comeback to this when you really ought to let it go. But I’m pretty sure you won’t.

I think you shouldn't expect other people to prioritise your Special Day. In this instance, the fact that it was already Dad's time means that the child should go to the wedding. Imvho that's the only thing the Mum has done wrong, arranging something in his contact time. I wouldn't do anything to accommodate my ex, I wouldn't change my arrangements or plans for his wedding unless my children asked me to and showed they were really desperate to go, then I would do it for them. My ex has had a couple of fiancées since we split, with much drama and even requests that I send my children half way round the world to attend one of the weddings, luckily they split up but I certainly wouldn't have let them go. I don't think weddings are that important to be honest and I would prefer that my children, don't grow up with marriage and weddings being a huge focus in their lives. I know loads of women who bleat on about having dreamt of their wedding day since they were a child and I find it rather pathetic. I don't want to encourage my children to see marriage as the be all and end all.

@mummyyessy - back again......

I certainly won’t be telling the DSC or their vitriolic mother the date of our wedding. She lost the ‘right’ to that information when she stated using her own children as weapons to get back at her EH.

When we got engaged and did tell her (we thought at the time out of courtesy and respect). A vitriolic bitter email rant followed along the lines of how dare you and you didn’t ask my permission. Obviously she knew my dear father had passed and thought she had taken on that role?

Respect has to be earned. You don’t automatically get it because you are the princess first wife with the golden uterus who deserves respect despite how much bitterness you spew.

She deserves no respect, and won’t get any from me.

@mummyyessy - I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you have obviously suffered. You need to heel yourself. This bitterness and state of mind isn’t good for you, nor is it healthy for your children.

😂😂😂 thank you @NorthernSpirit for your words of pseudo kindness. Your PPs have shown this not to be the case.

(It's heal by the way!)

@mummyyessy - Egomanics like to have the last word. They are usually insecure and the last word gives them a feeling of power. It’s short lived though as they only do it as they feel insecure, are hardheaded, lack confidence.

Those who have to have the last word feel uncomfortable when their power is taken away from them and end up fighting and argument, they lash out.

These people strive to be the only voice to those around them. If you have to have the last say, think ‘what am I afraid of’ because ultimately having the last say means nothing.

You are on a step parenting forum when women such as myself have to find ways to deal with bitter EW’s. I’ve seen the damage a bitter EW has done to her own children and it’s not nice.

I’m not saying there aren’t bitter EH’s but google the terms and there’s hundreds of hits for the former. You don’t seem capable of seeing things from other people’s petspective which is very sad.

@Magda72 is so right when she said something along the lines of ‘these women can’t move on because no one will put up with them’ (or to that affect). So true.....

@NorthernSpirit haha!! The accusations ramp up! I'm now an egomaniac for disagreeing with you.

Christ! Get a grip woman. I pity the poor EW of your DP!

Expecting an ex to be consulted/involved in wedding planning is not only absolutely ludicrous, it’s narcissistic in the extreme. Why on earth would you expect to be shoehorned into an event that is quite literally nothing to do with you?

Oh and btw I left my XH because he was a violent rapist, so I’ll be fucked if I consult him about fucking anything.

For the sake of the child she should be at the wedding. I wasn't invited to my dad's 2nd wedding when I was 8 and I never quite got over it. He is her dad and she has every right to be there. Poor girl.

@mummyyessy - you really don’t get it do you?! You’ve disagreed with everyone on this post. I guess our opinions are all wrong and yours is right?

Maybe one day you will be in a relationship and have to deal with the vitriolic bitter EW and then maybe you will be able to see everyone else’s point of view.

Pity away. The EW is a nut case so probably needs your sympathy. She’s played the victim card for 6.5 years now and it’s getting tiresome. Any women who has stopped their own children seeing their dad (for no reason other than to punish him) and try’s to alienate them is a disgusting individual in my book.

No point you trying to twist it into a 'I hate men' angle.

I wasn’t - I was simply asking. Do you think that once a couple with children have split up that neither should ever remarry then? Or is it ok is ex gives their blessing?!

(And for the record I have no bitterness towards exes as I have no ex and neither does my Dh)

@mummyyessy ....Natalie Hemming (google the name) stayed and committed to her partner after having children. Shame he turned out to be an abusive controlling arsehole who murdered her. Still....at least she stayed for the children eh?

Children now without a Mum as a result...and a Dad doing life. But yeah....she stayed and committed.

Anŷone who thinks a woman/man should stay in a relationship which isn't working is selfish. Trust me....the fallout for the children is far far worse.

You are a relic of the 50s in your attitude.

@DeloresJaneUmbridge RTFT!! FFS that's not what I've saying.

@KappaKappa I wasn’t - I was simply asking. Do you think that once a couple with children have split up that neither should ever remarry then? Or is it ok is ex gives their blessing?!

No, I don't think that.

And no I don't think any ex sd give blessings, although that wd be nice, clearly, My view is that once you make the enormous step & commitment to have children with someone, you have a duty to try extremely hard to keep relations civil with them if they become an ex.

And I maintain despite all the slagging off on this thread that that is a very reasonable duty.

@mummyyessy I am still waiting eagerly for you to answer my questions I’m genuinely curious what you think I should do differently?

¥ there are clearly exceptions. If your ex is a murderer(!!?) or rapist fine. But statistics would suggest this isn't the norm FGS!

Mummyyesy read back you post at 12.34 where you rightly state that ‘once you make the enormous step and commitment to have children with someone, you have a duty to try extremely hard to keep relationship civil with them if they become an ex’ where exactly has the ex wife done that in this example? She has booked a holiday for herself and the child on a week that the child is supposed to spend with her father. She has done this knowing that he is getting married that week and is refusing to allow the child to attend the wedding.

Op and her husband to be haven’t booked the wedding during a time that the child is supposed to be with her mother and then demanding that she make changes to suit them.

The ex wife in this case has made it a mission to be difficult in this scenario.
I think the OP is faced with a very hard choice. I would devolve it to your dhtb to handle though.
I don't understand why ew deserve sympathy in situations like this. She's only breeding resentment which could potentially backfire on her. It's not necessary.

mummyyessy There are women on this board (inc. me) that have endured YEARS of abuse (yes, ABUSE) from the ex because of their jealousy, spitefulness and insecurity. There are angry posts because you seem to be so dismissive of this. You don't seem to be able to understand that we, as step-parents, have to learn coping mechanisms because of the hate that come our way because we exist. You appear to be saying that the onus is just on us to consider the ex's feelings because she is the mother and deserves the respect - this will be the same ex that ABUSES us. What is wrong with you.

*@mummyyessy
*
I'm so shocked by how vile women can be to other women.

Oh the irony...

@CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight

Apologies if already been suggested - is it worth getting this resolved in court?

I'm not sure in what world people continuously spout nonsense and somehow remain wrong and strong.

It's people with that attitude that will stay in a relationship come hell or highwater...even when they are being treated badly...for the 'sake of the children'. That attitude will have you be in a doormat.

You only get one life.... living in the past isn't helpful in moving forward. Doesn't matter if you have kids or not. It's far better to show them a healthy relationship and give them the tools to move on in their own relationships.

To be fair to mummyyessy, she did say moving on was fine if 'resources are abundant'. Although, hasn't clarified what exactly this means.

I wouldn't sit by and let my DD be disparaged and attacked by a partners ex, should she find herself in a situation similar, so why on earth should I put up with it? And the only way to teach her about healthy relationships is by demonstration.

I really feel for the op, and I think this is one of those step-parenting situations where you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

@RepealRepealRepeal - Resources essentially comes down to cash. I think it's appalling for parents to move on and leave the parent who's doing the majority of care to struggle with little maintenance & limited ability to earn.
This is extremely common.
I see so many people just blithely move on to create a 'blended family' but essentially leaving the ex almost destitute.

And @SandyY2K that is completely not what I'm saying, I left a bad relationship. I would advocate others to do the same, with careful consideration.

I do accept that my points are tangential to the Op, but I still maintain they are valid. I think society is way too blasé about people abandoning their responsibilities to children.

Often the 'moving on' partner is not even aware of the difficulties the ex faces. They're just so busy 'getting on with their new life' that they just don't see it.

And as for the ex, I suspect often they'd be much happier & therefore less stressed and able to be kinder if they didn't feel so disadvantaged by the person moving on.

The idea that you can give your ex a few hundred quid a month and pretty much wash your hands of the real, gritty responsibilities of the day in day out care of a child and 'have another go' at it is just wrong.