DSD's Mum stopping her from coming to our wedding

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We have booked our wedding for August this year as it's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off.

We've just found out though that DSD's Mum has booked a week away to Butlins over the time of our wedding and won't let DSD come to our wedding instead.

What on earth do we do? We've paid deposits etc on the wedding and can't really do any other time but obviously we would have liked DSD there if possible.

Do we just go ahead as planned and just face DSD's questions over why she wasn't at our wedding?

always wonder why it seems to be women who are so bitter like this and I conclude that it's because they can't find another man to put up with their behaviour.Men just get on with their lives when their Ex moves on. I know crazy Ex husbands exist...but the inability for Ex wives to move on is more rampant

Wow. You really are utterly clueless as to the wider issues, aren’t you?

Could you find some evidence for us that prove your assertions, please?

mummyyessy You speak like it's only men that leave their wives and children. Sometimes, and I know this might be a shock, the women takes the children and leaves the man. So the man has no choice but to be separated from the child. They go from seeing their child every day to eow and maybe the odd night during the week.

But they should be happy with that, and remain single and alone for the rest of the next however many years so that they can spend all their time and energy on their child on the four days a month they get with them?

Sometimes, and on this I speak from personal experience, the woman leaves the man, meets someone else and uses the ex as a babysitter. Then gets arsy when the ex meets someone new. They liked having their ex on the back burner. They liked having someone to just drop the child with for a week here and there so they could go on holiday with the new man. But what they didn't like was another woman suddenly being in the picture having any input with their child.

So whatever your issues are, take them elsewhere. It's not all Man = evil child-abandoning bastard and Woman = poor put-upon victim.

Was there an issue with the logistics e.g. Who's picking up/dropping off DSD, how long she stays at the wedding and who looks after her when you two are getting married/ enjoying your night?

I'm wondering whether there are underlying reasons why the mother thinks it's not in the best interest of dsd to attend rather than simply she's a cow who booked a holiday to disrupt your wedding day?

She may well be the latter but if there's an underlying reason that can be addressed then that would be good for everyone.

No underlying issues @InProgress we had planned for my Aunt (who DSD knows and gets on well with) to look after her during the exchanging of vows. The wedding was in the middle of DP's planned time with DSD so no issues regarding pick up and drop off as it was planned DP would just pick up and drop off as usual.

How far is the venue from Butlins? Any chance to go and pick her up for the day and bring her back? Dreadfully inconvenient, but sets the message.

What excuse did she give your OH then for booking a week away on the week she's agreed her daughter would be with her dad?

Just to lighten the mood I was having a long lunch with my partner, his parents and his daughter. She’d been excused from the table and was pottering outside. Then she came in and presented me with a bunch of flowers she had picked and said they are for your wedding. Now you have to get married. I checked who to and she confirmed ‘my daddy’. Sweet ☺️
If that day comes I could not imagine her not being there. OP i hope you find a solution that works for you, your partner and his child.

@ohreallyohreallyoh YYYYYes. Totally

Another crazy one surfaces eh.
🤔
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@laloup1

That was lovely of her.

I hope her mum is not like the one in this case. ☺

@sandyy2k
I wish but honestly she’s horrendous. If we ever do it, the Ex will only find out afterwards.

Op, you could certainly go to court over this. What the judge would be interested in is who booked first. So gather any evidence you can.

That said, is it a day DSD is going to enjoy? I only ask because I was chatting to someone yesterday who said her daughters had been totally fed up all day when she got remarried, as it was a very traditional wedding and quite boring for them.

we’re planning a wedding that will be quite informal and more like a children’s party, so that our children are at the centre of it. It will definitely be booked at a time when it is our weekend to have the children and the ex’s won’t know till it is all booked! to be fair, DP’s ex has been lovely about our engagement. But mine could well be a jerk, not because he is upset and needs “empathy” but for the same reason he was abusive to me throughout our relationship and continues to find ways to try and “get at me” even if they harm the children.

Ignore the poster who is lecturing you, it sounds like they have their own ishooos. But do put DSD first in your decisions making, And gather evidence about who booked first before going to court.

@laloup1

What a shame you've also got an unpleasant one to deal with.

I've heard of more people having their wedding and letting the Ex know afterwards and it's clear to see why.

There was a poster who did similar a while ago and the Ex went crazy thst she wasn't informed...and said she had a right to know.

When you behave in this way, you lose those 'rights'

@NeverTwerkNaked and the ex’s won’t know till it is all booked!

Wow! So considerate! Not telling your exes you plan to get married! Doesn't sound like putting the children first to me. Surely it would be respectful and kind to keep exes informed as to this sort of major event; it does impact their children after all.

I really am staggered at how vindictive and nasty some of you appear to be. Insecure & jealous perhaps?

No wonder the exes hate you!

How is that vindictive and nasty? They know we are engaged, it’s will our weekend, but no way would I risk them trying to throw a spanner in the works. My ex was very abusive. I don’t know what your issue is mummyyessy but you are clearly projecting. Our children are all really excited and in fact have been asking us to get married for a while.

I know the pragmatic thing to do is to go ahead with the wedding and she just misses it. But I think in your situation I would try and avoid that whether that’s through a specific issue order or by changing the wedding date or changing the Butlins date.

@SandyY2K - so anyone opposing your opinion is now deemed 'crazy'

Hmmmm...

@NeverTwerkNaked it's just immature! If you can't see that yourself I think that says a lot!

Sorry you had an abusive experience but maybe now think about taking the moral high ground. I.e. do the right thing, regardless of your exes behaviour. It's about doing the right thing.

How is it immature? What’s the mature thing? To take them along to all our meetings with wedding planners? To ask their permission to even be engaged? The wedding will be on our weekend and we will tell the ex’s once it is booked (and they already know we are engaged). I am trying really hard to understand why your problem is but you aren’t making any sense!

@mummyyessy no, you’re in the wrong and just can’t see it. Whatever your own situation is, it has no bearing on this one and you are projecting furiously.

The whole “first wives are angels and should never be criticised” is archaic and ridiculous. Expecting nobody to ever move on and make a life for themselves, including their children in it, is selfish and ridiculous. Any parent that expects that and would manipulate, distress or otherwise hurt their child for their own selfish reasons isn’t a proper parent.

It’s not my fault if you can’t/won’t understand that. It’s entirely yours, now you’re making a show of yourself, so I’d suggest taking a step back and getting a grip. HTH.

Please spell out to me what, in your mind, the “right thing” would be

Oh and I say that as a first wife, and also as a SM. I wouldn’t expect my XH to consult me on his life, it’s fuck all to do with me what he does. My only reason to know what is going on is if it directly affects DS1.

OP go to court. Ex is controlling and shouldn’t be allowed to use her daughter in this way.

Amazing how someone can be wrong and strong.

@NeverTwerkNaked

Very wise of you.

Why would you tell an abusive Ex you're getting married only for them to cause trouble.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Why would a sensible logical individual risk having their wedding plans ruined.

My Ex SIL expressed concerns when my DB was getting married, in relation to how the DC would feel.

She actually called me to discuss it and I told her from what is seen they'd be fine. Her DD was so happy about being a flower girl along with my DD.

I know she struggled with my DB moving on (she'd previously mentioned they could get back together), but my DB was unhappy for years before they seperated and his emotional connection with her was gone way before the divorce.

Thankfully, my Ex SIL isn't vindictive like many of the Ex. wives here. She did call DB on the wedding day though .... that was weird.

mummyyessy
I am saying, OP, have some fucking empathy and respect for the mother of his child/ren. I doubt as she pushed out his baby she envisaged him running off and marrying another woman. What a fucking fairytale. Not. I'm sure you've been spun a different yarn about how awful she was blah blah.

Wow some serious projection issues going on here

mummyyessy
What about if ex wife meets a new man- is that allowed? Or is that different?
Seriously you need to sort of your issues and get off this thread and the step-parenting section if you’re just here to spit venom and bitterness.

just because someone has a different POV to you does not mean;

Their view is invalid
They are crazy
They have 'projection issues'

As I have said, part of the issues many of you face seem to be as a result if the clear nastiness and lack of empathy that come across in your posts. In truck loads. There seems to be an awful lot of anger from many of you towards exes. That's not good for the children involved.

I'm not advocating staying in bad relationships. However, marrying someone and having a child with them does mean - in my opinion - that you have a life long duty to maintain good relations for the sake of your child/ren. Marriages generally go wrong because of both parties (some obvious exceptions but I doubt all of you can claim these!). So accept that your DP / you did play a part, does take some blame & make allowances for the ex accordingly.

I'm so shocked by how vile women can be to other women. And in this instance I'm talking about some of the behaviour / attitudes to exes. I'm amazed how lacking in empathy some of you you are.

You / your DP may hate the ex, the ex may behave badly, but see above. Be the better person.

have lovely days everyone!