Step parents and maintenance

[Anon197]

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

if he was earning more 35k, why has he only be paying £100 a month?

• because he has his child 50% of the time?

if he was earning a lot more than £35k in his profession then why has he not carried on paying his £100 for the "short term" while he finds a job that pays £35k plus

• because he's now not earning the £100 to give?

ohreallyohreallyoh the thing is the OP does actually know the exW. We really don't know anyone. So her opinion and assumptions actually have some basis in reality.

Your statements are based on your reality, which unfortunately seems rather bitter.

The ex should be ashamed of herself.

Hahaha! Yeah. You have no idea. But that’s my point, isn’t it?

You really believe the OP knows the finer details of the ex’s life? Her work opportunities? Really?

It was worked out earlier that he doesn’t have her 50%. He has her every weekend (under debate) and all holidays, minus 5 days. So that’s 52 x 2, + 12 X 5, - 5. That’s 159 days. The calculator still says he’d have to pay even if he had her more than 3 nights

@ohreallyohreallyoh you're right. It's clear everyone here is fighting their own battles and it's certainly coloring the responses to OP. She doesn't have to show empathy, she has the moral high ground simply by not abusing or threatening the ex. I certainly don't show empathy to people who threaten me, regardless of their motivation. I wouldn't leave myself open to the chance that they follow through while I'm busy trying to understand their motivation.

@SingleDingle we have DSD 50% of the time( week on / week off). If we didn't and had her 3/7 nights a week, DH would only need to pay £121 per month. Despite being such a high earner. He pays £100 a month because most likely OP is telling the truth - they have DSD almost 50% of the time.

Good grief. This thread is horrific. Posters bringing their own issues to the table, making assumptions about the three adults involved here, and not reading the OPs posts properly.

Not all mothers are great.
Not all fathers are deadbeats.
Not all step-mothers are bitches.

Children are not pay-per-view and ANY parent who threatens to withdraw access due to finances - something the child shouldn't even be aware of, tbh - is a vindictive person.

@Anon197 crack on - don't pay ex a penny. I hope your husband finds something soon so you can get family life back on track. It's hard be sahp and doubly so if you feel backed into a corner rather than chosen it.

Well my take on it is that you are your OP's employer as he is working for you to facilitate your employment.

I also think that the first children should have a certain priority, as you chose to have children with a man who already had a child who cannot be put back into the box and returned to the store.

I also think that the first children should have a certain priority, as you chose to have children with a man who already had a child

slow clap
Well done. You've just said one of the most vile and completely self-absorbed things I've seen on MN - and it perfectly encapsulates the way many ex-wives on MN and in real life seem to feel:
"I was there first and my child was born first so we're more important."
Sickening attitude to have.

Though I do applaud you for your honesty.

This thread makes for horrible reading. Hope you're ok, OP.

New lows here I agree, bit sad.

That any child takes priority is awful.

Brazen if I'm honest is getting quite hilarious now!

the fact that someone just said a first born is more important that any other child is appalling.
It's gone from no child should suffer to your two children aren't as important as the one to his ex.

How disgusting.

Disgusting. I'm done with MN after that 👏🏼

OP I’m just jumping in with a voice of support, I suspect that over 50% of the posters here aren’t stepmums.

The sense of entitlement is shocking on here. And the sexism is shameful. Your OH has lost his job. You’re both doing the most sensible thing in the situation to save as much cost as possible and practically work through the situation.

£100 a month isn’t going to leave the ex wife on the breadline and I totally understand your principle here.

We have an ex wife to contend with who asked the CSA to rework the figures as soon as I moved in with my other half. He pays over the minimum, they have allowances, car funds, holidays, shopping trips, savings for University, investments and more funded with the surplus income that we now enjoy, provided by me as the higher earner.

I do that out of love for the children that come as part of the family unit that we now form. But I will walk over hot coals before a penny of that goes into the pocket of the ex wife who works 2 days a week and tells the kids now to “ask your dad, his wife is minted” every time they need a new pair of school shoes or want a fiver to go out with their mates.

And shame on everyone who has suggested that a SAHD is a deadbeat. Should the OP have given up her job when her partner lost his just because she’s female? The situation is what it is, and it’s not 1961 anymore. He will find a job and in the meantime he’s more than pulling his weight in the household

It just proves why step mums are given such a hard time.

Regardless of the circumstances that caused a mans relationship to break down, the child to his first wife should always be treated better and more important than any other children.

What an absolute pile of shit that is. Too many women think they are owed the world. Too many women are quick to shoot down a man purely for being a man. And you're so focused on tearing other women down that you don't see how poisonous your attitude is.

Ah yes. Couldn't have ever been a mans actions that led to a woman leaving him.

OP, I think you're getting a hard time as well. If there's no more spare to give then that's it.

I am a step mum to 2. More than 6 years ago I had a child with my partner, he was made redundant at the time of the birth and because my wages are higher, I went back to work and my DP became a SAHD. To begin with it was obvious that maintenance should come from my pay. 6 years later I'm still paying at the rate that my DP paid from his last job as he is still out of work. But that's because the money is there. We also rent a far bigger house than is needed - step kids are older and don't come down so much.
Yes, sometimes I grit my teeth and have an internal moan about it. We don't have holidays or many luxuries. I have missed out on looking after my child.
But it is was it is. And if I found myself earning less money then I wouldn't be able to pay his ex. Who does have holidays and a lot of luxuries. Including more children.

You can't do the impossible. It sounds like you are a good step mum

he child to his first wife should always be treated better and more important than any other children

Who has said that?

Read above

I’m not a step mum or a ex wife.
This thread has reached all new lows. I don’t understand why the DP seems to be vilified and has suddenly become someone who quit his job and refuses to work? Where have PP got this view from when the OP has said many times he is looking for work.
Everyone is suffering financially here and unfortunately that means ex wife too.

How old is the SDC?

@Coyoacan - to quote ‘I also think that first children should have a certain priority.....’

What a disgusting thing to say and what a disgusting individual you are.

First children aren’t a priority. All children should be treated the same. You really do have some problems if you think that.

MN has reached an absolute low. Awful comments in here, women reaching a new low.

I also think that the first children should have a certain priority

Sorry **bitter twisted person, but that just isn't going to happen.

**I think of something better and more insulting to say in response to that disgusting comment, but I won't.

Hugs to you op , hope your okay and chin up x
Your doing the right thing.

I’d pay if I could afford it but I wouldn’t feel obligated too, especially with the nasty demands you’ve had from her. Withholding contact is disgusting. I don’t understand why some mothers feel that they are superior in some way to the fathers.

Was she this nasty before this happened or has it surfaced because she’s panicking?

The fact is you’ve essentially got 2 adults and 3 children to care for just with your wage, not to mention a bigger house to cater for this, more food, higher basic bills, etc than the ex will have. Ok she still has to pay rent/mortgage whether her child is there or not but seeing as she’s in yours a lot her expenses will be greatly reduced.

She’ll just have to cut back on things like everyone else would do in the situation.

In regards to the abusive messages, the best thing to do is both ignore it. The only way she keeps sending them so much is if one of you is replying to them. When she realises she’s getting no where they will stop.