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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 16:27

And she’s not financially neglected. We haven’t asked his ex to help us out financially even though we still have his child every weekend and school holiday

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/06/2018 16:27

To be honest, I wouldn't just send my child to live with their father because it was convenient for him to look after them. I have some sympathy with her because she has been landed in a difficult situation too, through no fault of her own. And if you can't afford maintenance, how would you pay for the costs of another child, especially if your husband wasn't working long-term?

Obviously she shouldn't be making contact conditional on payment, that's bang out of order. I'm sure she knows that she's pushing her luck with asking you to pay, but her child doesn't stop eating or growing because your husband has lost his job.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 16:28

We have had to take our two children out of childcare as we can’t afford anymore so for the time being he is a SAHD.

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 16:29

I am aware they don’t stop which is why I am having to put in more hours to provide for my family.

Why is she not expected to do the same?

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StepBackNow · 01/06/2018 16:30

You have no moral or legal obligation to pay anything to her. Cheeky woman is trying it on.

Tell her to do one.

TwoDots · 01/06/2018 16:36

Op you make a good point. Everyone on here is going on about how the ex is losing out financially due to no fault of her own, but the same applies for you. The difference is you're stepping up and trying to earn extra cash whereas the ex is just whinging and wanting you to pay instead of trying to either support them a bit more herself or let Dad do a bit more if the child are on a temporary basis

Don't give her anything. None of this is deliberate and if it's all about the child then she will find ways to support them until your partner gets back on his feet

swingofthings · 01/06/2018 16:38

Need more info. When you say share custody, do you mean 50/50? Who claims CB? If her, does she also claim tax credits? How much maintenance did he have to pay before if they have shared care?

Was he made redundant? If so, did he not get some redundancy money, in which case, maybe he could share some of it? If he was sacked, that's another matter, assume he isn't claiming JSA?

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 16:46

We have his child every weekend and school hols. We are responsible for all pick ups and drop offs.
She gets CB and works full time so I’m not sure about tax credits

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funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 16:51

No it's not your responsibility. You didn't choose for him to be out of work.
If they were still together she would have to go without his wage and you wouldn't be in the picture, so she can go without now until he's back in work.

You have 2 small children who live there full time and they only have you. You have all your bills etc to think of. She will just have to readjust her finances temporarily just like you're having to!

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 16:51

Forgot to say:

Cheeky cow!

LiteraryDevil1 · 01/06/2018 17:25

Surely every weekend and all the holidays makes things 50/50 (too tired to do the maths) so he shouldn't be paying maintenance anyway?

Greendayz · 01/06/2018 17:40

Are you local? If so, rather than offering to have his child full time (which was unsurprisingly declined) could he instead offer to have his child just for the bits of time when she's currently paying childcare? Eg after school each day, and dropping back with her by 6pm? That might be really helpful to her and would be a way of contributing in kind to offset the loss of income.

You're not legally obligated to pay anything. If he's temporarily out of work then I don't think there's any moral obligation either. But if he's becoming a SAHD then I think morally it's a bit less clear cut. It's not a decision she's had any say in and it's facilitating you to earn more.

rainingcatsanddog · 01/06/2018 17:47

2/7 days a week during term time and 6.5 weeks during the holidays is not 50/50.

The mum has 5/7 days a week during term time and 6.5 weeks of holidays.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 17:54

All school hols

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 17:54

All school hols are spent at ours

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 17:57

It’s not facilitating me to earn more, if you read above he’s had to become a SAHD until he finds a job that means we can afford to put our two young children back into childcare. My salary doesn’t stretch to cover rent, bills, fuel, food and full time childcare for 2 children.

I would much rather spend time with my family than work every hour under the sun just to pay it into the pocket of someone who goes out every weekend then complains they can’t afford to pay for their child

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lunar1 · 01/06/2018 18:00

Is he genuinely out job hunting and putting the hours in?

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 18:03

but her child doesn't stop eating or growing because your husband has lost his job.

No that is very true children don't stop doing these things, but if the op's husband was still with his ex then she would have to cope without his wage coming in and cut her cloth accordingly to make sure the children are fed. It should be no different if they aren't together and she shouldn't be relying on the op who is quite probably worrying about feeding her own children and her stepchild when he/she is with them. The ex's household doesn't trump the op's in this situation. His loss of earnings affects them BOTH.

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 18:10

Anon I get what you mean. He's temporarily looking after the children while you work as you can't afford to pay for childcare. What more can you do really if you can't afford nursery fees anymore? At the same time he's looking for work.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 18:12

Why does everyone assume that he doesn’t want to be in work!? If you read above He needs to make sure that he earns enough for us to put our two children into childcare again. If not it’s just him working and me having to give up work to look after the children.
I am a mother, it is expected that I provide for my children and I would never see them go without so why is it that I should pay another mother to look after her child?

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 18:15

funinthesun18
I get the feeling that the majority of people are forgetting that we have 3 children altogether.
I am currently supporting a family of 5 on one income so why can’t his ex support a family of 2?

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Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 18:15

We as in me and DH 😂

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LiteraryDevil1 · 01/06/2018 18:17

Just about to apologise then saw that you do have them all the holidays! So 13 weeks of school holidays per year plus another 104? Days for weekends. So that's 195 days a year? Which is more than 50/50 so she should be paying YOU!

LiteraryDevil1 · 01/06/2018 18:18

That maths might not be quite right.....Blush

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 18:24

LiteraryDevil1 it’s near enough 50/50 once you deduct the number of weekends included in the hols.

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