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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
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ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 13:54

Or just informing information that doesn't make your argument valid

Right. Your inability to see that there are other ways of looking at a situation is the problem here. My argument is not invalid. Neither is yours.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 13:55

It's not about it being enough for me it's about it being enough for her daughter and passing that responsibility onto someone else.

Which apparently is acceptable.

What isn't acceptable according to some posters is that I don't believe I should pay for someone else's child when they're not at my house.

OP posts:
MrsFassy · 02/06/2018 14:05

People really have got issues with comprehension on here.

The OP has never said that she and her DH wanted to take the child from her mother; they merely offered to reverse their arrangement to help reduce the EWs outgoings in the short term. This would actually give the EW more quality time with her daughter. I don't know about the rest of you but I enjoy my time with my DC much more at the weekends and during school holidays when things are less rushed and we're able to spend time doing activities together. If all I had was before school, and a couple of hours in the evening which was taken up by dinner, baths, homework etc I wouldn't be balking at having the chance to reduce my childcare bill and have more time with my DC.

Also it sounds like OP has cut right back on luxuries and is sacrificing time with her family picking up OT. I don't see why the EW isn't able to do the same? Her weekends are free, she doesn't have her daughter so why can't she work a few hours on a Saturday morning? She'd still have the majority of the weekend to herself and if she has plans on occasion then she doesn't do the OT that week.

Funny I remember a thread on here a while back, the OP only had her kids in the week, they were with their dad every weekend and school holiday. Majority of posters ripped that mum apart for having no quality of time with her kids and expecting her ex's new DP to do childcare so she didn't have to use any annual leave. In that case the replies were almost unanimous that the children weren't the ex's DPs responsibility. Funny how similar the cases are and how different the responses are this time.

TwoDots · 02/06/2018 14:06

Haha no one is trying to take the child from the ex. It's a temporary switch around until he finds a job to help with childcare costs. The ex will probably have more quality time with the child

And the child isn't a possession

Op I would ask MN to delete this thread. Too many people jumping to conclusions and being nasty about dads and am as usual

moodance · 02/06/2018 14:07

@Anon197 because there are some self entitled ex's ... at the end of the day if your DP was with the ex they would be in the same situation... of having no income from him ... as long as you are providing for the child within your care that's all you can do.

Child benefit can be used to cover basic needs too ... sadly some ex's believe their standard of live shouldn't change ... however it is the child standard of living which shouldn't be impacted.

Moussemoose · 02/06/2018 14:11

The ex W gets every weekend to herself and all school holidays - 13 weeks a year. The OP is working nights and evenings.
The exW is abusive and wants the OPs money.

Exactly how much does she has to do to make this woman happy?

TwoDots · 02/06/2018 14:11

Op I assume you pay for clothes and all bits needed at your house plus a bedroom for SD?

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:13

Clothes, activities, bedroom, food, bike, the whole shebang is paid for by me in my household.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 14:16

I don't see why the EW isn't able to do the same? Her weekends are free, she doesn't have her daughter so why can't she work a few hours on a Saturday morning?

Because maybe she has other commitments? Because overtime not always available?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 14:17

The exW is abusive and wants the OPs money

Or the other x wife is frustrated and was venting?

funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 14:17

Well clearly that isn't enough because you aren't providing for her when she's with her mum too.

I think you're doing amazing!

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:19

Frustrated and venting by personally attacking my morals and threatening me as well as trying to refuse access

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:24

Funinthesun18 thank you for the support and thank you to everyone else who has said this m doing a good job.

People seem to have forgotten that I've had to sacrifice time with my young family to earn more, my husband has been struggling with the idea that he isn't the main earner in the family or that our marriage has taken a hit due to the stress of the whole situation.

The feeling of disappointing our family hasn't left us since the day he lost his job but we are currently trying to hold it together.

I have empathised with his ex, it is her that has not empathised with us. People keep saying 1 child shouldn't suffer. But there are 3 children in this equation.

I am a mother supporting my family, I expect other mothers to do the same.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 14:27

I expect other mothers to do the same

She is! Why is that so hard to understand?

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:29

How is she when she is demanding money from me? And saying if I don't pay her she won't let the child come here?

OP posts:
MrsFassy · 02/06/2018 14:29

Ohreally no she's isn't! She's not increased her hours or even tried to meet the OP and her DH halfway. She's simply been abusive and threatened to withhold contact. How is that doing all she can?

MachineBee · 02/06/2018 14:37

You’re getting a hard time from some on this thread OP, but there are those who see your side.

It’s hard going through loss of a job for whatever reason and this must be a very difficult time for you all. I hope it gets resolved quickly. Flowers

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 14:46

FFS. She works full time. She is under no obligation to up her hours just because you think she should. You haven’t given her any money and have no intention of doing so. How is she not supporting her child when she is with her?

She can withhold contact but given the history of shared care, it is unlikely she will go through with it. And the courts will support you if she does.

She is frustrated and angry and has lashed out. Let her actions now speak.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:49

Her actions now? She is still sending abusive messages, but that’s okay. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 14:51

And like I have said previously it’s not about what I think it’s about saying you need more to raise your child but not wanting to earn it yourself.

I worked full time before I now work more because my children need me to. She is claiming her child needs that money. So go earn it

OP posts:
starsuniteonceagain · 02/06/2018 14:52

I wouldn't pay for someone else's child either OP. If the EW is with holding contact it will only come back to bite her in the arse when the child is older and asks why she wasn't seeing her father. Maintenance and access are two separate things.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 14:52

how is she not supporting her child?

No, it’s not OK. But ignore and see what happens.

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 14:54

*Swing the OP mentioned very early in the thread that she works nights and every other weekend.

Some serious issues with projection and comprehension on this thread*
No she didn't. You're the one who needs to re-read it. OP stories is full of holes. What she did say in the first page was that she only ate at work so the food bill was less. No mention of working nights until this morning and we are supposed to believe that that she only eats evenings/night?

Also, one minute the SD is with OP every single weekends (hence calculating the 50/50) but then says that her mother could work weekends when she doesn't have her to make up the difference and mention once a month, so clearly it's not true that the SD is with OP every week-end.

I can't imagine a mum who is clearly very attached to her school age DD happy to have no quality time whatsoever with her DD except for 5 days a year and half of Xmas day. A woman who works full-time, so is entitled to at least 4 weeks holiday but who would decide to only have one of these weeks with her child? A mother who is happy to only spend a few hours with her daughters 5 evenings a week, yet is prepared to go to court to defend contact?

Once again, no you shouldn't have to pay for your SD, at all, the issue is your attitude towards your SD's mother and your support of your OH who rather you did the extra hours than himself.

historyismything · 02/06/2018 15:02

Ohreally, you write that overtime might not be available for the ExW; why do you assume the op's husband will walk into another job?

OP you won't 'win' on this thread. We things go wrong we all need to cut our cloth accordingly. She should be doing the same.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:05

You are making assumptions yet again.

I don’t eat in the day...I’m asleep. I eat when I get to work as food is provided.
She can work weekends as she doesn’t have her daughter.

So it’s my attitude that needs adjusting. Not the exW who believes that she shouldn’t work had to support her daughter and thinks it’s okay to throw physical threats and abuse around if she doesn’t get her own way.

OP posts:
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