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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

OP posts:

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Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:07

And I’m not trying to “win” I’m trying to get my head around why I should bow down and let a spoilt brat dictate my way of life.

Because that’s what these posters are saying.

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:08

why do you assume the op's husband will walk into another job?

I don’t. Why does the OP think that the ex can get all the overtime she needs at a time that is convenient to her?

And the question how is she not supporting her child when she works full time still remains unanswered.

I don’t want, or need, to ‘win’. I simply want to know how this woman isn’t supporting her child!

Gratefulninja · 02/06/2018 15:13

Blimey!
Op I think you’ve taken a bit of a bashing here!
I think you’re doing the best you can.

I see it as this-
A and B have a child. They are not together. A pays half B pays half and the child spends half time with A half time with B.
Separately B has two children with C. B pays half and C pays half.
B suddenly loses his job (we have not been told this is his fault or his choice as suggested by some). B is looking for work but in the meantime he looks after two of the children saving x amount. B and C suggest they can also look after As child full time. I’m not sure this will have gone down very well but I see that offering to look after the child so A could work more was a well meant suggestion.

A now thinks C should pay Bs share of child cost. Here is the issue because C has nothing to do with this child legally. She has no legal responsibility. However C has MORALLY took some responsibility and pays for the child when in her household (so 50% of the child’s time if 50/50).

I think that’s fair enough! Yes A has lost £100 a month but BandC (and thus their children) have lost a lot more? crappy situation but making the best surely? And hopefully dh will get a job soon and normality can recommence?

Either way the ex should not be threatening anyone.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:13

Not the exW who believes that she shouldn’t work

She works full time. She is working. She is supporting her child. She does not believe she shouldn’t work.

I’m trying to get my head around why I should bow down and let a spoilt brat dictate my way of life

What about your life will change if the ex works overtime? Will you work less? How is her demanding money changing your situation? You have no intention of giving her money so she isn’t dictating anything.

Gratefulninja · 02/06/2018 15:14

Gosh I confused my self with the A’s bs and cs there 😂

Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:14

Because she is saying she can't support her without the maintenance which is why she believes that I should pay her from my wage.

I’m struggling to make ends meet here but I haven’t asked her for money towards SD while she’s here

OP posts:

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 15:15

Still waiting to hear how long DH has been out of work and when his jsa will start to be paid…

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:21

why would you ask for money? Why wouldn’t your OH do it? I don’t understand?

She may well struggle. But like the rest of us, she will adjust and deal with it.

Again, how is her working full time refusing to work to support her child?

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 15:22

She can work weekends as she doesn’t have her daughter
Maybe you need to re-read what you write. You said that she could work some week-ends when she doesn't have her daughter.

And really, not eating at all during the day? You're asleep the entire day?

I bet your OH loves it, two women taking on his financial responsibilities, not supporting any of his children whilst he plays the victim.

Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:24

If he takes a job that means he works days I have to give up my job to look after the kids. Unless he earns enough to cover the cost of childcare for 2 children and maintenance for 1.

Imagine this.

A full day of childcare for 2 children costs around £100 a day.
He takes a job that is 8 hours a day at minimum wage, works out £64 pd. that’s £36 short of child care. Never mind the maintenance he’d be paying because he was working.

He doesn’t enjoy being out of work, he’s not sat at home loving life. He’s raising two toddlers and looking for a job that suits his family. Whilst offering to spend more time with his daughter to lighten the load on his exW.

We have tried to continue to pay but I can’t earn the money of two people.

I have not sent his exW abusive messages I have clearly stated that I will pay for my SD when she is here but I can’t afford to do it there.

She has the option of overtime but would rather spend her time threatening me.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 15:24

Still waiting to hear how long DH has been out of work and when his jsa will start to be paid…
That's a very good point, even if he has been sanctioned, it doesn't go on forever so at one point, he will still have to pay something of his £73 a week... that is of course if he is claiming at all.

Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:26

Playing the victim? How is looking for work whilst raising his children playing the victim. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again people need to stop assuming that men do things to spite their exWs

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:27

She has the option of overtime but would rather spend her time threatening me

You assume. You don’t know. And I am sure she would rather spend her time not worrying about money. She will adjust. Give her time.

Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:28

He isn’t entitlied to JSA as I work and we are married. We’ve applied and been rejected.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 15:30

Whilst offering to spend more time with his daughter to lighten the load on his exW
What load, sounds like his daughter has no time with her mum as it stands since she's at school and is with him already every week-ends and holidays. What is he suggesting, that he has her in the evenings too and she just gives up seeing her daughter at all?

Or is he suggesting that they swap, so that he never gets to see his daughter during the week-ends and holidays, in which case, he would see her a lot less than he currently does. Would he be happy to give this up to save £100?

funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 15:31

We've been in a very similar situation op and it really does grate when you are doing everything you can to keep your household going, and you get someone moaning that they have got it bad when they clearly haven't. Said person can still afford to run a car, go on holidays, big days out, nights out, buy a £75 paddling pool, splash out on £170 on clothes in one shopping trip etc.. It's not up to me to fund her child for her so that she can do all that especially when it's beans on toast on the menu for us. But still she's moaning at me that her child will suffer due to my partner not being in a job. Clearly her child is not suffering but some people just like the drama. There are other children in the family to think of too who have missed out on a far lot more.

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 15:33

He isn’t entitlied to JSA as I work and we are married. We’ve applied and been rejected.
If he had worked FT and paid his NI, then he would be entitled to 6 months JSA, whatever your income bare potentially a few weeks if sanctioned.

Just another inconsistency.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:33

He isn’t entitlied to JSA as I work and we are married. We’ve applied and been rejected

Because he hadn’t worked continually for the previous 2 years? Or because he has been sanctioned?

Either way, are you claiming everything you are entitled to?

Original poster

Anon197 · 02/06/2018 15:38

Because it’s all switched UC so because I work full time we don’t qualify for anything. But let me guess you know more about our application than me

OP posts:

Spottytop1 · 02/06/2018 15:42

*If he had worked FT and paid his NI, then he would be entitled to 6 months JSA, whatever your income bare potentially a few weeks if sanctioned.

Just another inconsistency*

That's not actually true, we had a similar situation and my dh could not claim anything due to my wage.

Check on the benefit entitlement calculator it shows this.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 15:43

Oh wow. Was that necessary?

Working full time is not the reason you don’t get anything as it is income based. Have you run your details through online calculators?

Spottytop1 · 02/06/2018 15:47

@ohreallyohreallyoh I think the op was responding to the post above you not your comment

BewareOfDragons · 02/06/2018 15:52

JSA isn't automatic. Lots of people aren't entitled to it based on savings, household income, etc.

MrsFassy · 02/06/2018 15:57

Swing The way I interpreted the OP saying that the EW can work "some weekends" is that she'd only need to work a couple to make up the deficit and wouldn't need to be working all hours, not that the OP and her DH only have the daughter some weekends.

kattekitt · 02/06/2018 16:00

I would also consider contacting the Police to deal with the threats if they are aimed at you. I would even just get them logged just in case.

Been there done that and got the injuries from the batshit exW, I'd make sure everything is logged as you may need to get a harassment order against her.

You're getting a really tough time on here, but as a step parent you'll be used to getting the shitty end of the deal, you don't deserve it. For what it's worth I think you're doing the best you can in a really tough situation.

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